Parashat Matot/Masei: What is the Torah View on Recruiting Yeshiva Students for the Israeli Army?

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Parashat Matot/Masei
What is the Torah View on Recruiting Yeshiva Students for the Israeli Army? 

Gratitude for Our Soldiers’ Self-Sacrifice to Fight our Torah Mandatory War
My heart is filled with gratitude towards the IDF – Israel Defense Forces. Before we had an army to defend ourselves, Jews went like sheep to the slaughter during the Holocaust, and Arab marauders murdered Jewish civilians right and left. Before we had our own army, old men were knifed, and women were raped by our ‘cousins’ while the British looked the other way. Without our brave and holy soldiers where would Israel be today? Personally, I doubt that I would have been able to return to my land and my roots had it not been due to the relative security we experience in the State of Israel thanks to the IDF.  Now about 300 days into the current Gaza war, things aren’t easy, and the high spirit of unity when the Yeshiva students prepared Tzitzit for the soldiers is threatening to break apart. Hashem is testing – not only our military resilience – but especially our moral strength and endurance. Now more than ever we are called upon to remain united against all the odds. This implies supporting our leadership even if we don’t agree about everything. During a war, it is not the proper time to criticize and protest against our prime minister. He needs our backing and support to be successful and bring about our victory. I’m thankful to Binyamin Netanyahu for standing up strongly for Israel’s right to defend itself against world opinion and sadly even against some of our own people. There is no question that our current war is a milchemet mitzvah (mandatory war from the Torah), which entails the mitzvah of saving Jews from attacking enemies, and the mitzvah of settling the Land of Israel.  
I support the Supreme Court ruling on June 25, 2024, that the Israeli government must enlist draft-age Charedi men into the military. After 76 years of exemption and political and societal controversy and strife over it, there is now a legal obligation for young Charedi men to join their Jewish Israeli comrades and serve in the military.  When it comes to a milchemet mitzvah – “the entire nation must go out to war, even a groom from his chamber, and a bride from her Chuppah” (Rambam Laws of Kings 7:4). The difference between the mitzvah of fighting a war, as opposed to the standard mitzvah of saving a life, is that the mitzvah of fighting a war requires mesirut nefesh (self-sacrifice), which overrides the obligation to protect one’s own life (Rabbi Eliezer Waldenberg, Responsa, Tzitz Eliezer 13:100). For this self-sacrifice of our young men and women for the sake of protecting us all I’m overwhelmingly grateful.

The Mitzvah of Enlisting in the Israeli Army

Rabbi Eliezer Melamed asserts that anyone who claims that there is no mitzvah to serve in IDF is not a Torah scholar. Our Torah repeatedly commands us to go out to war to conquer the Promised Land. The mitzvah of settling the land equals all the mitzvot (Sifre, Re’eh, Parasha 53). It overrides saving the lives of individuals as we were commanded to conquer the Land of Israel, and the Torah doesn’t expect us to rely on a miracle. Since there usually is no war without casualties, the mitzvah to conquer the Land obligates us to endanger lives for it (Minchat Chinuch 425, 604; Mishpat Kohen p. 327). Although the mitzvah of Torah learning is equated to all the mitzvot, the basic rule is that any mitzvah that cannot be performed by others overrides Torah learning (Babylonian Talmud, Mo’ed Katan 9a). This principle applies to serving in the army. Army service overrides Torah study when there are not enough soldiers for Israel’s security. However, when Israel’s security doesn’t warrant recruiting all young men, the Jewish nation must exempt students worthy of developing into Torah scholars so they can grow and become rabbis and educators. These few selected serious Yeshiva students must continue learning in yeshiva for several, unlimited years, to benefit all of Israel – provided they do so with respect and appreciation for the soldiers protecting our nation and country. Then their Torah learning can fully contribute to raising the spirit and courage of Israel. Since the inception of the state of Israel until recently, Israeli law granted full exemption from military service to roughly 20% of all yeshiva students. For this, the Chareidi community should have expressed gratitude to the State of Israel instead of complaining and criticizing.  If the Chareidi leadership invested even a fraction of the energy – used to fight against enlistment – into demanding more suitable conditions for Torah-observant soldiers, it would lower the risk of the spiritual decline of the religious youth serving in the army. When more Yeshiva students enlist in IDF, it will influence the army to follow Torah law and engender greater sanctity. As a result, the security of Israel will be greatly strengthened, and we will B”H merit the Final redemption. (Rabbi Eliezer Melamed, The Hareidim and the Mitzvah to Serve in the I.D.F.)  https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/hareidim-and-the-mitzvah-to-serve-in-the-i-d-f/ This article was written in 2014, how much more is it relevant today during our current longwinded war.

Taking Responsibility to Fight Side by Side with Their Brothers to Conquer the Land                    The Torah in Parashat Matot teaches us about the appreciation due to the soldiers going to war to conquer the land of Israel through the request of the tribes of Reuven, Gad, to receive land portions outside of Israel. Moshe was at first opposed to permitting these tribes to get a land portion on the other side of the Jordan River, which he felt would demoralize the soldiers:

ספר במדבר פרק לב פסוק ו וַיֹּאמֶר משֶׁה לִבְנֵי גָד וְלִבְנֵי רְאוּבֵן הַאַחֵיכֶם יָבֹאוּ לַמִּלְחָמָה וְאַתֶּם תֵּשְׁבוּ פֹה: (ו) וְלָמָּה (תנואון) תְנִיאוּן אֶת לֵב בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מֵעֲבֹר אֶל הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר נָתַן לָהֶם הָשֵׁם:

“[Thereupon,] Moshe said to the descendants of Gad and the descendants of Reuven, ‘Shall your brethren go to war while you stay here?’ Why do you discourage the children of Israel from crossing over to the land which Hashem has given them?” (Bamidbar 32:6-7).

Moshe only agreed to the request of those tribes after they voiced their complete commitment to the Jewish mission of conquering and settling the land of Israel:

ספר במדבר פרק לב פסוק יז וַאֲנַחְנוּ נֵחָלֵץ חֻשִׁים לִפְנֵי בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל עַד אֲשֶׁר אִם הֲבִיאֹנֻם אֶל מְקוֹמָם וְיָשַׁב טַפֵּנוּ בְּעָרֵי הַמִּבְצָר מִפְּנֵי ישְׁבֵי הָאָרֶץ: (יח) לֹא נָשׁוּב אֶל בָּתֵּינוּ עַד הִתְנַחֵל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל אִישׁ נַחֲלָתוֹ:

“We ourselves will be ready armed to go before the children of Israel until we have brought them to their place. Our children will reside in the fortified cities on account of the inhabitants of the land. We shall not return to our homes until each of the children of Israel has taken possession of his inheritance” (Bamidbar 32:17-18).

Although the tribes of Reuven and Gad requested to live outside of the Land of Israel, they were well aware that their responsibility to conquer it was no less than those inheriting inside of the land. They not only offered to join their brothers in the battle for the Land of Israel, but these two tribes were even willing to fight at the head of the camp.  Since they committed to be partners in the war like everyone else, Moshe’s concerns abated.

The Torah Values the Soldiers Even More than the Kohanim
Parashat Matot further elucidates the appreciation due to the soldiers through its division of the large collection of spoils that the soldiers – who went to war against Midian – took back with them. Hashem commanded Moshe how to divide the spoils. The booty was to be divided equally between the soldiers and the rest of the population. There were 1,000 soldiers per tribe, 12,000 in total. The census in Parashat Pinchas enumerated a total population of 601,730 (Bamidbar 26:51). It seems an unfair distribution that 12,000 soldiers get the same as the 589,000 rest of Israel.  This teaches us that the soldiers are greatly valued in the Torah, their disproportional allotted share of the spoil expresses profound appreciation for their service. The benefits that our modern Israeli society grants to soldiers who serve our country are rooted in our Torah. The tithes of the Kohanim and Leviim – who provide spiritual strength – are minuscule compared to what the Torah designates for the soldiers.  The Kohanim receive 1/500th of the soldier’s half. The Leviim get 1/50th of the general population’s half. While we value the contribution of the religious leaders the soldiers’ contribution is appreciated even more.

Politically Incorrect Statements about Israeli Warfare Causes Uproar in the Jewish World
When I recently quoted Rabbi Manis Friedman about the Intimacy Crisis one of my students pointed out that many reputable Rabbis have accused him of being a heretic. I was quite shocked as I know him to be wise and erudite in Torah with a special gift of inspiring people of all levels of observance and backgrounds. When I researched the critique and Rabbi Friedman’s response, I found his words taken out of context and the accusations offensive and rude, calling the Rabbi – who has a long white bear – Santa Clause. The vehement attacks didn’t make sense until it dawned on me that it was his radical statements about Torah warfare that elicited such condemnations. In addition to publishing To Win a War (The Jewish Way): A Guide for post-war Sanity Rabbi Manis Friedman’s comments about warfare published in Moment Magazine caused a great uproar and a flurry of criticism from the Jewish world both in the USA and Israel. As the ‘tolerant’ Western world accuses Israel of “murdering innocent civilians” Rabbi Friedman took a bold unpolitical correct stand and wrote: “The only way to fight a moral war is the Jewish way: Destroy their holy sites. Kill men, women and children (and cattle)” – a statement which obviously would arouse massive resistance. Yet this statement may also be taken out of context. The abhorred statement must be understood on the background of “addressing some of the ethical issues related to forcing the military to withhold fire from certain people and places, at the unbearable cost of widespread bloodshed (on both sides!) –  when one’s own family and nation is mercilessly targeted from those very people and places” explained Rabbi Friedman. He also clarified that it was a response to the question of “how to act in time of war, when our neighbors attack us, using their women, children, and religious holy places as shields?” https://crownheights.info/general/18856/rabbi-manis-friedman-clarifies-his-statment/ Whereas the first part of his answer may have been written too harshly, I do believe in the truth of the continuation of Rabbi Friedman’s answer: “The first Israeli prime minister who declares that he will follow the Old Testament will finally bring peace to the Middle East. First, the Arabs will stop using children as shields. Second, they will stop taking hostages knowing that we will not be intimidated. Third, with their holy sites destroyed, they will stop believing that G-d is on their side. Result: no civilian casualties, no children in the line of fire, no false sense of righteousness, in fact, no war…”

Rabbi Manis Friedman’s Radical Statements Concur with the Torah
Rabbi Manis Friedman’s view on war ethics reflects the numerous Torah commandments to conquer and utterly wipe out our enemies in the Promised Land. In Parashat Masai, on the verge of completing forty years of wandering the wilderness, Hashem prepares the Israelites to capture the land of Israel:

ספר במדבר פרק לג פסוק נג וְהוֹרַשְׁתֶּם אֶת הָאָרֶץ וִישַׁבְתֶּם בָּהּ כִּי לָכֶם נָתַתִּי אֶת הָאָרֶץ לָרֶשֶׁת אֹתָהּ:

“You shall take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given you the Land to occupy it” (Bamidbar 33:53-54).

Rashi understands the word וְהוֹרַשְׁתֶּם/vehorashtem – to mean to wipe out all the inhabitants: 
YOU SHALL CLEAR OUT THE LAND - You shall vacate it of its inhabitants, and then you shall “settle in it.” Only then will you be able to survive there, but if you do not do this, you will be unable to survive there (Rashi, Bamidbar 33:53). The uproar caused by Rabbi Manis Friedman’s reiteration of this concept so clearly expressed by universally acclaimed Rashi displays how greatly the current Jewish world view still is from the Torah outlook.

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Matot/Masei  –
Some Tips for Showing Gratitude to Our Soldiers

As Israel faces terrorist organizations like Chamas, Chezbollah, and Islamic Jihad, none of whom hide that their agenda is to wipe away Israel from the map, our brave IDF soldiers put their lives on the line to maintain the security of Israeli civilians every single day.  Every one of our soldiers serving during this current war has given more to our people than many of us do in a lifetime Our soldiers, who invest their time, withstand challenges, and are willing to risk their lives to protect the State of Israel from its enemies and ensure the safety of the people they love deserve our undivided gratitude. Here are a few tips on what we can do to express the grateful feeling in our hearts for our dear soldiers:

•      Pray for the Soldiers Daily – You can pray in your own words from your heart, or you can use the following prayer: May the Holy One, Blessed is He, preserve and rescue our soldiers from every trouble and distress and every plague and illness, and may He send blessing and success in their every endeavor. May He lead our enemies to fall under our soldiers’ sway and may He grant the IDF salvation and crown them with victory!

• Pray for the Recovery of Injured Soldiers – get a list of names or even one specific name to include in your daily prayers. Several websites provide lists of names of soldiers to pray for. Here is a link to one: https://www.ctvp.org/templates/articlecco_cdo/aid/1182483/jewish/Names-of-Wounded-Soldiers-Who-are-in-Desperate-Need-of-your-Prayers.htm

• Visit Injured Soldiers in the Hospital – show them empathy, and compassion, and share encouraging words. This means a lot to the injured soldiers. Each visit gives strength and brings about recovery. You could bring books of Tehillim to the injured soldiers and tell them how you pray every day for the soldiers’ safety, how you are thinking about them, and how all over the world, Jews are praying for their recovery. Strengthen the spirit of the injured soldiers and their families‚ by bringing them gifts and providing them with emergency aid and any basic necessities needed. This gives them the strong and important message that they are not alone.

• Pay Fallen Soldiers Last Respects – As heartrending as it may be, it is a very great mitzvah to attend their funerals and comfort the mourners. By fulfilling these mitzvot you are saying thank you to these soldiers, and their families. You honor what they stood for.  You can also pray for their souls, light a candle for the fallen soldiers, and dedicate specific mitzvot and Torah learning to their soul elevation.

• Express Your Appreciation for the Soldiers in Writing – You can send messages to soldiers through this email info@israelforever.org. All messages are sent directly to Lone Soldiers through The Lone Soldier Project™ of The Israel Forever Foundation. You may include drawings and photos to warm the soldiers’ hearts. Please note that while all letters are greatly appreciated, not all soldiers will have the opportunity to reply. 

• Send Care Packages to the Soldiers – They are operating in extreme heat, fighting terrorists day and night, with no access to laundry facilities. The harsh conditions they face make them prone to issues like fungal infections, jock itch, and sunburns, which can become quite serious. Soldiers don’t always have all the items needed to go on long missions or to stay clean and safe. Fresh underwear, socks, protein and energy bars, dried fruits/nuts, headlamps, and tools make a big difference! They also need G-shock watches, head flashlights, portable phone chargers, and more. At all the Lone Soldier Center branches, they have closets full of various basic supplies and items they need. Due to the Israeli customs fees and bureaucracy, don’t send items by mail. Bring the items to Israel or send them with a friend.

•  Commit to Educating as Many People as Possible – about the importance of the mission of our soldiers to defend the people of Israel against cruel barbarism, and how grateful we should all be for their bravery.

Parashat Pinchas: What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

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Parashat Pinchas

What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

How Do We Make a Will of Inheritance Fair to All Our Children?
Lately, during these insecure times, I’ve talked with my husband about making a will. We hope and plan to live until 120! But you never know. Making a clear and fair will of inheritance is important to prevent disputes and ill feelings among our children. Since we only have two sons, it seems like sharing in half whatever we leave behind (until 120!) should be an easy task. I wish! Without getting into the intricate laws of the firstborn son, things are still complicated for us, since our main asset is our home in the prime land of Bat Ayin, Gush Etzion. As our greatest prayer and will is that our descendants will live in our house and pick the fruits of the trees we have planted on the land, our halachic and legal will must favor the one who will live on our land. We would love to see our grandchildren and great-grands swing in the swings we built and add new ones too. How to find a way to apportion such preference in our will is complication #1. Complication #2. is that it’s not simple to divide our homestead into two portions in a way that will be fair to both of our sons. Currently, on our plot, our house is much more valuable than both of our two small downstairs apartments located partially on the basement level. When we first obtained our plot, nothing was growing on it except dry thorn bushes. We worked hard to remove the weeds, plant trees, and add compost and good soil, to transform our plot into a magical bird resort. Although we struggle to upkeep our land, we would hate to see it revert back into brambles and thorns. Our greatest desire and yearning are for our descendants to treasure the land, here in Eretz Yisrael, and show appreciation and care for it. Our plot has a natural land division with a small garden in front of our home and a more than double as large garden behind it. It would make more sense to grant the larger piece of land as an inheritance to the descendent most suitable to take care of it. Complication #3 is all the variables and uncertainties in our lives and that of our children. Since no one can predict the length of their lives, our grandchildren may be the ones to take over our homestead when the time comes. As our younger son is newly married, we don’t even know who that will be.

The Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach the Laws of Inheritance
The source of the mitzvah to leave our earthly possessions as an inheritance to our children is found in Parashat Pinchas. I find it interesting that although according to the Torah, the son takes precedence over the daughter regarding inheritance, we specifically learn about the mitzvah of leaving our possessions to our children from the daughters of Tzelafchad:

במדבר פרק כז פסוק א, ד-ז

וַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה …לָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ: וַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר: כֵּן בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד דֹּבְרֹת נָתֹן תִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲחֻזַּת נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אֲבִיהֶם וְהַעֲבַרְתָּ אֶת נַחֲלַת אֲבִיהֶן לָהֶן:

“The daughters of Tzelafchad, the son of Chefer, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Menashe, of the families of Menashe, the son of Yosef came forward. His daughters’ names were Machlah, Noah, Hogla, Milkah, and Tirtzah. Why should our father’s name be eliminated from his family, because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father’s brothers.’ So, Moshe brought their case before Hashem. Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, ‘The daughters of Tzelafchad speak properly. You shall certainly give them a portion of inheritance along wither their father’s brothers, and you shall transfer their father’s inheritance to them’” (Bamidbar 27:1-7).

The Yearning for the Land Awakening Among Women
In our time and age, there is an intensified awareness, especially among women of the inherent holiness of our Land. Despite our current difficulties, many among our people are willing to risk their lives to defend Eretz Yisrael. Our attachment to the Land of Israel is constantly being strengthened as we with mesirut nefesh (self-sacrifice) expand our yishuvim and build new communities. From where do we get this strength to stand up for the Land despite the dangers it entails? From which source do we draw our inherent attachment to this land?  “The deeds of the fathers are signs for their children” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 70:6; Ramban, Bereishit 12:10). I believe that this saying can also be understood in the feminine: “the deeds of the mothers are signs for their daughters!” We are only an extension of the souls who preceded us. The spiritual rectifications enacted by our ancestors have paved the way for our continued efforts in those same areas and have become part of our spiritual genetics. Among the role models who have affected our inherent attachment to the Land of Israel are the daughters of Tzelafchad. In a time when the general sentiment was remiss regarding the love of the Land of Israel, the five sisters stood up in their dedicated quest for a portion of the Land. They yearned to be part of revealing the Shechinah through redeeming Eretz Yisrael. Let us draw increased strength in our holy endeavor to reclaim our Holy Land. 

Contrasting the Men’s Depreciation and the Women’s Appreciation for the Land
The Midrash and commentaries contrast the desire of the women for the land of Israel with the men’s lack of emunah: “The daughters of Tzelafcḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach. “The daughters of Tzelofḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach, as you find that Aharon said to them: “Remove the gold rings that are in the ears of your wives” (Shemot 32:2). But the women were not willing, and they reprimanded their husbands, as it is stated: “All the people removed the gold rings [which were in their ears]…” (Shemot 32:3), but the women did not participate with them in the act of the calf. Likewise with the spies who disseminated slander: “They returned and caused the entire congregation to complain against him, [to disseminate slander about the land]” (Bamidbar 14:36). The decree was determined against them because they said, “We cannot ascend.” (Bamidbar 13:31). However, the women did not participate in their complaint, as stated above, “…They shall surely die in the desert and no man was left of them except Kalev the son of Yefune and Yehoshua the son of Nun.” (Bamidbar 26:65). It states, “man” and not ‘woman,’ because the men didn’t want to enter the land, but the approached to seek an inheritance in the land. Therefore, this section is juxtaposed to the death of the generation of the wilderness, where the men breached and the women repaired (Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 21:10). The Kli Yakar goes as far as to say that Hashem would have preferred to send women to spy the land since they love it and ask for possession of the land (Bamidbar 27:4), whereas the men despised the land and asked to return to Egypt (Ibid.14:4). Therefore, Hashem told Moshe לְךָ /shelach lecha – “Send men for you” – according to your own opinion. However, in My opinion, it would have been better to send women (Kli Yakar, Bamidbar 13:12). Perhaps because of the women’s love of and appreciation for the Land of Israel, we learn all laws of inheritance from women. Following the daughters of Tzelafchad’s request for an inheritance in the land Hashem reveals to Moshe all the additional halachot of inheritance:

ספר במדבר פרק כז פסוק ח וְאֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל תְּדַבֵּר לֵאמֹר אִישׁ כִּי יָמוּת וּבֵן אֵין לוֹ וְהַעֲבַרְתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְבִתּוֹ: (ט) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ בַּת וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְאֶחָיו: (י) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ אַחִים וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לַאֲחֵי אָבִיו: (יא) וְאִם אֵין אַחִים לְאָבִיו וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לִשְׁאֵרוֹ הַקָּרֹב אֵלָיו מִמִּשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ וְיָרַשׁ אֹתָהּ וְהָיְתָה לִבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לְחֻקַּת מִשְׁפָּט כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה הָשֵׁם אֶת משֶׁה:

“Speak to the children of Israel saying: If a man dies and has no son, you shall transfer his inheritance to his daughter. If he has no daughter, you shall give over his inheritance to his brothers. If he has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to his father's brothers. If his father has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to the kinsman closest to him in his family, who shall inherit it. This shall remain for the children of Yisrael as a permanent statute like Hashem commanded Moshe!”  
(Bamidbar 27:8-11).

The Divine Laws of Inheritance Imbue us With Gratitude to Hashem and our Relatives
I found the explanation of the famous medieval Sefer Hachinuch (a widely respected codification of all the 613 mitzvot organized by the Torah portion in which each mitzvah is found) of the mitzvah of inheritance particularly moving because it explains how the laws of inheritance show gratitude to Hashem who grants us our possessions, as well as an appreciation for our relatives who assisted us in gaining the skills that helped us earn our prosperity. It helped me tap into my overwhelming gratitude for everything Hashem has granted us, especially for our portion in the holy land! The Sefer HaChinuch writes extensively on the laws regarding inheritance in the 400th mitzvah of the Torah: “Among the root of the mitzvah a person should reflect that the world is in the hand of the Master that oversees all of His creatures, and it is in His desire and His goodly will, that each and every person acquires the portion of possessions that he attains in this world. And His gift is blessed, that it stays forever with the one He gave it to, were it not that it was decreed that every person would die due to our sins. Yet the removal of a person’s body is not a reason to end the blessed gift of G-d. Rather, this present should extend [to] the body that emanates from him, i.e. his son or his daughter. But if he passes away with no children, it is proper for the blessing of G-d to return to his closest relative; as this blessing that he acquired was due to his forefathers’ merit. Or perhaps together with his close relatives, he learned the skills with which he acquired this wealth taught him some skill with which he acquired his possessions. It is therefore fitting when a person leaves the world that his relatives who helped him through his life should receive his possessions.”

Making A Will Aligned with the Will of the Divine
Whereas a person has the full right to decide the allocation of his possessions while alive in this world, after his passing, the possessions return to Hashem who grants them to his closest relatives according to the laws of the Torah. If a father makes a will in which his son will not inherit him, it has no legal validity, as he has no powers to uproot Hashem’s decree that an inheritor receives the inheritance. Even though a person’s belongings are given over to him for all his wishes, and he can give them as a present to whoever he wants, and he may even destroy them, nevertheless he may not change the laws of inheritance after his death, as this thing is against the will of Hashem. These laws regarding inheritance stirred up in me the gratitude for the trust with which Hashem allowed us to be guardians of His most cherished asset – the Land that is considered Hashem’s beloved daughter.  I’m facing the prospect of making our halachic and legal will with even more reverence and awe! I hope and pray that we will be able to align our will with the Will of the Divine!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Pinchas –

Some Tips for Making a Halachich Will

Many people believe a will or testament is only for people with large estates. Or they put off writing their will until some undetermined future day when they believe it will become appropriate to think about such matters. Without a will, families may be split apart as the heirs argue incessantly over the inheritance. Even within the halachic community, governed by the Torah’s clear laws of inheritance (Bamidbar 27:7-11), families are sometimes torn asunder by disputes, large and small financially, yet heated and protracted emotionally. In the interests of peace within a family, we must arrange to divide our assets fairly among the children. However, according to most authorities, a typical last will and testament is halachically ineffective. One cannot bequeath property posthumously (Pitchei Choshen 9:134). Yet, a will that calls for the Torah’s exclusion of daughters could lead to hatred and a split in the family (Gesher Hachaim p.42). Today, bequeathing equal shares to all children is the most likely way to avoid these terrible results, and there are halachich ways to write a will to that purpose. At first glance, writing a will may feel less like a spiritual experience and more like a thankless chore governed by necessity. Second thought, though, reveals otherwise. Writing a will that adheres to Jewish law is a powerful reminder that where you are, what you have, and what you accomplish can (literally) give you and posterity the future. Spelling out your wishes is also the greatest gift you can give to your loved ones: it allows them the comfort of knowing that they are fulfilling your requests even after separation. 

• Make a Commitment to Writing your Will – and ask your rabbi how to ensure it is in accordance with halacha, given your specific circumstances.
  
  
•  According to Jewish Tradition, Legacy Planning is not Associated with Death – but rather with an extended lease on life: Our sages teach us that making arrangements for one’s inevitable demise unlocks the blessing of longevity. Why? Perhaps because thinking about – and preparing for – the moment of departure from this world helps us re-orient and refocus ourselves. 
  
  
•  From the Torah Perspective Life is not an Aimless Path – rather, it is a journey and mission imbued with direction, meaning, and purpose. Contemplating the moment when life ceases in this world reminds us that living is all about giving; giving, in turn, helps us connect with the boundless benevolence of G-d – the life force of existence.
  
  
•  Learn About the Halachic Ways of Distributing an Estate Equally to all Your children – it is no modern invention. The Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserless) of the mid-16th century, wrote about the custom of giving daughters a portion of an estate through a halachically sanctioned document called a shtar chatzi zachar. (The Rama Even HaEzer 113:2 and Choshen Mishpat 281:7). 
  
  
•  Review Your Will Regularly – especially after significant life events (e.g., marriage, divorce, births, deaths, or changes in financial circumstances), and make any necessary updates to ensure it remains valid and reflects your current wishes.

Parashat Balak: Are Entitlement Expectations in Relationships a Trait Inherited from Bilam?

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Parashat Balak

Are Entitlement Expectations in Relationships a Trait Inherited from Bilam?

How Does Letting Go of Expectations Help Keep Us Content?
Our unrealistic expectations cause frustration and disappointment. We make our lives miserable with any expectations we have of people, situations, and what we feel entitled to receive. With this kind of attitude, we can G-d forbid easily become addicted to material goods and expressions of appreciation. If I expect a sweet thank you phone call in return for spending time selecting a special birthday gift for my granddaughter, I could get upset if she only writes me a short thank you message. So, I have learned, that to keep myself happy I must stop expecting anything. If I didn’t expect any expression of gratitude, I would be so grateful for a short thank you message even without any emoji. Over the years in my interactions with my students, I have noticed the difference between those who make demands and those who make humble requests, whether for getting their doorknob fixed, receiving more respect from fellow students, changing their tutor or study partner, or for a change in B’erot lunch menu. Beneath the demands are the disappointed expectations of a self-important person who feels entitled to be treated like a princess. Yet the exact same wants can be expressed completely differently when they derive from the humility of accepting that it may not work out to fill all their needs at a given time. “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” isn’t limited to its superficial meaning that you can win people to your side more easily by gentle persuasion than by hostile confrontation. In my experience, I’m naturally much more prone to extend myself to do everything in my power to fulfill a humble request rather than an entitled demand. Whereas I’m repelled when people relate to me as a servant created to fulfill their needs, I will even anticipate, serve, and accommodate the unexpressed needs of others. Being the director of a midrasha with students from the four corners of the world, I have learned to appreciate the differences between some of those who emerge from the Western culture influenced by the greedy Esav always wanting more, and students from the East especially from India, who come from a very humble and respectful culture. Yet we Jews returning to Israel – to our ancestors’ spiritual heritage – are learning to return to the character traits of a good eye, humility, and modest desires that Avraham our Father possessed. 

What is the Difference between Spirituality and Holiness?
I often speak about the difference between spirituality and holiness. Whereas a person can be very spiritual but rotten to the core, holiness is G-dliness, and can only emerge from the light of a person with a refined character. Although Bilam was known as a uniquely spiritual person highly attuned to G-d’s will, his spirituality was drawn from the depths of tumah (impurity). In contrast, the spiritual greatness of Moshe and Avraham was enveloped in the highest realms of kedusha – sanctity. Holiness is ohr – the pure refraction of Hashem’s light that requires a suitable vessel – a receptacle of sterling character traits that match the light it needs to contain. Spirituality is at great risk of falling to a place of tumah and darkness without such a vessel to hold the light. Bilam is the perfect example of a spiritual person lacking holiness. Whereas Avraham was generous, humble, and modest, Bilam was self-centered, arrogant, and driven by money and all it could buy.

פרקי אבות פרק ה פסוק יט כָּל מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ בְּיָדוֹ שְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים הַלָּלוּ, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ. וּשְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים אֲחֵרִים, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל בִּלְעָם הָרָשָׁע. עַיִן טוֹבָה, וְרוּחַ נְמוּכָה, וְנֶפֶשׁ שְׁפָלָה, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ. עַיִן רָעָה, וְרוּחַ גְּבוֹהָה, וְנֶפֶשׁ רְחָבָה, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל בִּלְעָם הָרָשָׁע:

Whoever possesses these three things, he is of the disciples of Avraham, our father; and [whoever possesses] three other things, he is of the disciples of Bilam, the wicked. A good eye, a humble spirit, and modest desires are the traits of the disciples of Avraham, our father. An evil eye, a haughty spirit, and unbridled desires are the traits of the disciples of the wicked Bilam (Pirkei Avot 5:19).

How Do the Rabbis Learn of Bilam’s Trifold Negative Character Traits?
Firstly, Bilam’s mission – for which he was hired – was to curse the Jewish people, by casting an evil eye upon them. He was suitable for this job since he was an expert at bringing attention to the negative points of others. Being a master of the evil eye, his magic was to highlight the dark points of others, thus claiming that they didn’t deserve their blessings. Bilam also displayed his money greed – to which he felt entitled – by demanding a greater salary for his shady job:

ספר במדבר פרק כב פסוק יח וַיַּעַן בִּלְעָם וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל עַבְדֵי בָלָק אִם יִתֶּן לִי בָלָק מְלֹא בֵיתוֹ כֶּסֶף וְזָהָב לֹא אוּכַל לַעֲבֹר אֶת פִּי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהָי לַעֲשׂוֹת קְטַנָּה אוֹ גְדוֹלָה:

“Bilam answered and said to Balak’s servants, ‘Even if Balak gives me a house full of silver and gold, I cannot do anything small or great that would transgress the word of Hashem, my G-d’” (Bamidbar 22:18).

Rashi explains that by mentioning A HOUSE FULL OF SILVER AND GOLD - Bilam exposed how he was greedy and coveted other people’s money. He said, “He ought to give me all his silver and gold, since he has to hire many armies, and even then, it is questionable whether he will be victorious or not, whereas I will certainly succeed.” [Midrash Tanchuma Balak; Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 20:10]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 22:18). Moreover, Bilam wasn’t embarrassed to display his arrogance and honor-seeking when he twisted the reason why Hashem told him not to go with Balak’s entourage to curse Israel:

ספר במדבר פרק כב פסוק יב וַיֹּאמֶר אֱלֹהִים אֶל בִּלְעָם לֹא תֵלֵךְ עִמָּהֶם לֹא תָאר אֶת הָעָם כִּי בָרוּךְ הוּא: (יג) וַיָּקָם בִּלְעָם בַּבֹּקֶר וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל שָׂרֵי בָלָק לְכוּ אֶל אַרְצְכֶם כִּי מֵאֵן הָשֵׁם לְתִתִּי לַהֲלֹךְ עִמָּכֶם:

“G-d said to Bilam, ‘You shall not go with them! You shall not curse the people because they are blessed.’ When Bilam arose in the morning, he said to Balak’s nobles, ‘Return to your country, for Hashem has refused to let me go with you’” (Bamidbar 22:12-13).

Although Hashem very clearly tells him not to go with the Moabite officers to curse the Jews because the Jewish nation is blessed, Bilam reports this to the Moabite officers: “Hashem has refused to let me go with you.” Inferring that he will only be permitted to go with greater nobles. This shows us that he was conceited and unwilling to reveal that he was under the control of the Omnipresent except in an arrogant manner. Therefore, Balak had to sent… again…” (verse 15) - [Mid. Tanchuma Balak 6, Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 20:10], (Rashi, Bamidbar 22:13). Entitlement is always toxic. It comes with arrogance, pride, and selfishness. Entitlement is operating under the delusion that you deserve something you have not yet earned.

All the Lonely People Where Do They All Come From?
I sometimes come across people who twist what others tell them in a way that sadly hurts themselves. My heart goes out to “all the lonely people…” although I may have a cue to answer, “…Where do they all come from?” They come from a place of misery that makes them feel entitled to their neediness. In their demand to belong, they feel abandoned, excluded, and ousted. I know such a lonely woman with a heart of gold, whose intense desire to belong causes her the most painful rejections. Since she is going through such horrific hardships without adequate support, when someone reaches out to her and offers her a little loving companionship, she will hang on to it for dear life. This attitude of entitlement to belong sets a vicious circle in motion where the one who initially reached out must set proper boundaries so that the relationship will not become imbalanced by the intensity of her need to belong, which greatly exceeds the ability of others to include her. The feeling of entitlement causes the lonely person to view the one who sets boundaries as mean, insensitive, and hurtful. Yes, I have been blamed for such traits, and even worse, when I invited a certain lonely woman to join my midrasha for a Shabbatton. When she insisted on coming again the following Shabbat and possibly every Shabbat, to hang out with the students, I had to set clear boundaries to ensure she wouldn’t overstay her welcome. I offered her to stay once a month in the company of the B’erot community where she feels she belongs. Had she only accepted my very best offer to be a monthly, beloved guest, she could have gained the companionship she so much craves. But no, due to her complicated family situation and her need for others to take on that role, she insisted that by limiting the times when she could join my midrasha, I was betraying her, sinning against her, hurting and breaking her. Sadly, she now shoots herself in the foot, refusing to wear any label and outfit upon which is written ‘monthly guest!’” which according to her “I think she should wear!” So my heart is crying for that lonely soul who can be so kind and loving at times, but who causes herself to remain in her loneliness through her grand expectations of others, which prevents her from receiving the finger as long as she cannot get the whole hand. I will continue to pray for this lonely unsupported woman who is going through so much hardship, what else can I do?

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Balak –

Some Tips for Letting Go of Expectations

It may be natural to expect our loved ones to support us during tough times. Unfortunately, in life, our expectations are constantly disappointed. Inevitably, our friends let us down, and when our expectations are not met, we are left feeling disappointed, hurt, angry, and resentful. Even though I empathize with the pain of being disappointed, I also reflect how often we end up just hurting ourselves, when we put high expectations on others. I have realized that lowering your expectations is the key to healthy and happy relationships. Often expectations can turn into entitlement. We feel entitled to be treated in certain ways, and when we aren’t, it can be confronting and disappointing. A common ‘entitlement’ expectation is in the way people communicate. For example, people who are reliable communicators will often become frustrated with others who are unclear, unreliable communicators. We may assume expectations of friends based on our values, not theirs. I was assuming that my friend also believed that you don’t ignore the messages of someone you care about. Thus, resenting her for ‘ignoring’ me was actually coming from a place of entitlement.

•        Prioritize Appreciation Over Expectations – Learn to trade expectations for appreciation, and your entire relationship – and life – will change. Instead of focusing on the negative, make a point to value what others can offer you. This will take you much further in your relationship. If you pay attention, there’s always something to appreciate. Appreciate your invitations to monthly dinner parties even if you would have preferred to be invited to weekly feasts. Appreciation can help put an end to your unhealthy expectations in a relationship.

•     Demonstrate Consideration – Healthy relationships hinge on consideration for others, their interests, and their relationship expectations. To show consideration, you must make a point to value your relationship over your relationship expectations. This is a real challenge since it’s easy to view your expectations or ‘rules’ as the basis of your relationship. When you value your partner over your rules, this paves the way for fulfilling both people’s expectations.

  ·       Be Grateful for the Good Points – Gratitude is our major defense against the wrath of entitlement that screams at others, and all they do, “It is simply NOT ENOUGH!” Yet, gratitude will help fill you with hope and belief in your friend, sister, daughter, or spouse.

  ·   Avoid Repetition – If you are in an argumentative pattern in your relationship, change your approach. If you don’t, you risk creating a circular loop where neither party is heard, leaving both feeling defeated. Take the high road and bow out of an argument. Take a break to regroup and consider what you’re really arguing about. When you make this a habit, you set a high standard for what to expect in a relationship.

  ·      Never Question the Nature of Your Relationship – When it comes to learning how to manage expectations in a relationship, one of the worst missteps you can make is questioning the intent of others. When you question the very nature of your relationship, it breaks down trust, which takes a toll on even the strongest connection. Just because you’re having issues doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem.

  ·     Never Threaten Your Relationship – One of the primary expectations in a relationship is that there will be give and take and mutual dialogue. Threatening your relationship with ultimatums doesn’t accomplish anything, since it shuts down communication. If you’re at the point of threatening the other person, it’s time to take a break and rethink the conversation.