Can Women do Dream Amelioration?

Parashat Miketz
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The Importance of Remembering Our Dreams

The long nights of the month of Kislev is the time to focus on our dreams. I love to linger in bed under my warm cover with the perfect excuse to take my time until I get up and out into the cold, dark winter morning. While relishing in the sweet embrace of my comforter, I try to decipher my dreams. When I remember my dreams, I attempt to interpret them myself. I also tell my dreams to my husband, whom I know will only interpret them positively. I’m contemplating leaving a notebook and a pen under my pillow as there are halachic sources that recommend writing down good dreams (Kaf HaChaim, siman katan 6). The Zohar furthermore emphasizes the importance of remembering good dreams as it states,

ספר בראשית פרק מב פסוק ט וַיִּזְכֹּר יוֹסֵף אֵת הַחֲלֹמוֹת אֲשֶׁר חָלַם לָהֶם...

“And Yosef remembered the dreams that he had dreamed about them…” (Bereishit 42:9).

Why did Yosef remember the dreams he had about them? What would have happened if he forgot them? Yosef was wise and studied the verse, “A prudent man acts with knowledge: but a fool lays bare his folly” (Mishlei 13:16). A person should remember a good dream, so it is not forgotten, for then it is realized. But if it is forgotten by him, it is forgotten ABOVE AND DOES NOT COME TRUE (Zohar 1:199b).

Positive Dream Symbols

From Parashat Miketz our sages learn out many fascinating principles about dream interpretation, many of which are concentrated in Babylonian Talmud Berachot 55-57. A dream of any of the seven fruits is always a good sign, as I wrote in my book, The Seven Fruits of the Land-of Israel with Their Mystical & Medicinal Properties. From Parashat Miketz we learn that it’s excellent to dream about a river “...Pharaoh dreamed: and behold, he stood by the river…” [This refers to Pharaoh’s association with Yosef, for] every river alludes to Yosef, the Righteous. This is the hidden meaning of the concept that whoever sees a river in his dream sees peace, WHICH IS THE LEVEL OF YESOD, THAT IS, YOSEF, as it is written, “I will extend peace to her like a river” (Yesha’yahu 66:12); (Zohar 1:194a). Dreaming of any body of water is usually good, as is dreaming of a well, a bird, a kettle, a donkey, a white horse, Yishmael the son of Avraham, Pinchas, King David, King Solomon, an elephant with a saddle, goats, a myrtle branch attached to its tree, an etrog, a palm frond, a goose, chickens, or seeing oneself receiving a haircut, seeing one's jawbone fall out, having a boat ride, saying the Shema, responding to kaddish, or putting on tefillin. The Talmud includes interpretations of these visions, as well as of many others (See BT, Brachot 55b-57b). I often dream of chickens, fortunately, which means a blessing in the garden! However, I keep in mind that it may take 22 years before a good dream comes true as we learn from Yosef, whose dreams were only realized after 22 years (BT, ibid.).

Our Subconscious Character is Revealed in Dreams

Sometimes, I have scary or challenging dreams. I have made a habit of never saying, “I had a bad dream,” because the fulfillment of a dream follows its interpretation, meaning the interpretation of the dream actually causes it to be fulfilled (BT, Berachot 55a-b). If we don’t have our dreams interpreted, they will not be fulfilled. Or even better, if we explain a challenging dream in a positive way, we can transform the dream to become good! Therefore, by all means, I want to avoid interpreting my own dreams negatively. Rabbeinu Bachaya notes that we should be careful how we tell over our dream, as the words we ourselves use can influence the dream- interpretation. For example, the butler started mentioning בַּחֲלוֹמִי/bachalomi – ‘in my dream’ but it also means recovering from illness; whereas the baker started by saying אַף/af – ‘even’ which is the same word that the snake said and was punished. There are three kinds of dreams, 1. Prophetic Dreams 2. Psychological Dreams 3. Dreams of Nonsense – emanating from the gas and smoke that food digestion raises to the brain (Rabbeinu Bachaya, Bereishit 41:1). Most of our dreams today are not prophetic. They’re simply recycled thoughts from what occupied our minds during the day (category 2.). Negative dreams experienced after stressful incidents can certainly be attributed to those incidents. They don’t foretell anything bad (The Alter Rebbe, Shulchan Aruch haRav, Orach Chaim 288:7). Nowadays, the average person’s dreams are meaningless and are no reason for concern (Peleh Yo'etz entry Chalom, Aruch Hashulchan, Orach Chaim 288). One of my reoccurring dreams is that I am sitting in a car going very fast and although I sit at the driver’s seat, I can’t stop the car from speeding and rolling down, down, down... The meaning of this dream is clear. It is an expression of my fear of losing control. It is not a prophetic dream but rather a dream exclusively psychological in nature, caused by my unconscious waking thoughts and fears. When a person is fixated on certain things during the day, he will dream about them at night. By expressing our repressed thoughts and feelings, such dreams help us to become more aware of our own subconscious. The Zohar explains that a person’s character is revealed in his dreams. As his soul ascends, he will perceive that which he deserves according to his level (Zohar 1:194a).

What to Do About Disturbing Dreams?

Although the Talmud teaches, “A dream is one sixtieth of prophecy…” (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 57b), Rabbi Menachem Mendel Shneerson of Lubawitz stated that unless the individual is of exemplary piety, his dreams are not messages from G-d, and there’s no reason to be concerned about them. Rather, he should try to pay no heed to bad dreams and nightmares. Instead, a person must place his faith in Hashem and fear nothing else but Hashem (Aruch HaShulchan, Orach Chaim 220:4; Igrot Kodesh vol. 7 pgs. 290-291). Whereas, it is recommended to tell a good dream to our friends and mention it in order that it should be fulfilled, we should ignore bad dreams, G-d forbid, and avoid telling or remembering them (Siddur Sfard, Dream Amelioration). When we don’t give power to the dream, it will be nullified.  Nevertheless, if we are anxious because of a dream, let’s keep in mind that the purpose of a disturbing dream is to spur us to teshuva. “G-d made it that they fear him” – This is a bad dream by means of which a person is aroused to Teshuva (BT, Berachot 55a). It is good to give tzedakka, check our tefillin and mezuzot, strengthen our emunah and mitzvah observance.

Kohanim Blessings

We can transform a disturbing dream during Birkat Kohanim (The Kohanim blessing), because it has 60 letters, and a dream is one sixtieth of prophecy (BT, Berachot 55b). If a person sees in his dream as if a sword is cutting his hand, he shall go to the synagogue and listen to the blessing of the Kohanim. Then nothing evil can hurt him. Therefore, He tells the Kohanim “Thus shall you bless etc.” (Bamidbar Rabbah, Parsha 11, Piska 3). During Birkat Kohanim, we recite a special prayer to transform unknown dreams (Tosafot, Sotah 40a). This prayer is found in most siddurim. If you live in Israel, where we are privileged to have daily Birkat Kohanim, recite this prayer in the synagogue, the morning following the disturbing dream. Outside of Israel, recite this prayer when the chazan says the words of Birkat Kohanim. We should all recite this prayer on the holidays during Birkat Kohanim, because we can never be sure whether we might have forgotten that we had a dream that needs to be healed (BT, Berachot 55b; Shulchan Aruch, HaRav 288,130).

Fasting

Raba son of Mechasia said in the name of Rav Chama son of Giora in Rav’s name: Fasting is as good against a dream as fire against chaff. Rav Chisda said: Providing it is on that very day. Rabbi Yosef added: And even on the Shabbat (Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 11a). The Ben Ish Chai adds that if a person sees a bad dream, its healing is to specifically fast on the same day.

In addition to fasting, it’s good to pray, recite Tehillim (Psalms) and give tzedakah (charity).

Dream Amelioration by Three Friends

One who has a dream by which his soul is bothered, should go and have it interpreted in the presence of three… (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 55b). Dream amelioration should even be done for a good dream, if a person is disturbed by it (Siddur Sfard, Dream Amelioration).

Likewise, the halacha teaches, “If a person’s soul is bothered by a dream, he should have it ameliorated by three friends (meaning those who care about him). They should say, “You saw a good dream…” (Shulchan Aruch, Orech Chaim 220, 1, Dream Amelioration and Fasting). Only ask those who love you, since the dream follows its interpretation, and people who dislike a person may interpret the dream in a bad manner (Drishah 220:1). In addition, when they say the special dream amelioration text, they are praying for the dreamer, and davening by friends is more effective (Avnei Yashpei 4:34:1). Some suggest that the friends refer to relatives (Teshuvot V’hanhagot 2:256). The three friends don’t have to be Torah scholars. If there are no adults available, it is possible to use children as long as they are mature enough to know and understand the amelioration text. However, it is best to get adult Benei Torah.

May Dream Amelioration be Done by Three Women?

It seems to me, that if children can do dream amelioration, then surely women can. Most Torah observant women today, would be able to understand the recital much better than children. A woman may also be more comfortable with other women. I would certainly hope that close women friends would have more love for their worried friend than would other men, except for her husband., Of course the woman could get her husband and two sons to do the dream amelioration. However, this only applies to married women, who are not the only women that may experience a disturbing dream. The book Piskei Teshuvot quotes Eishel Avraham, who inquired about dream amelioration by means of three women. He wrote, “I have not yet found any Torah source for this. However, a woman can appoint her husband as a shaliach (emissary) to ameliorate her dream before three men…” (Piskei Teshuvot, Seder Hatavat Chalom 3, footnote 22). This solution wouldn’t suit most women today, especially because a major effect of the dream amelioration is its psychological impact to calm the fears of the dreamer. This works best when the dreamer participates directly in the dream amelioration. I finally found a source for three women doing dream amelioration for their female friend: “Also women who are disturbed by a dream should do dream amelioration. They can appoint their husband to have it done before three men or they can do it by themselves before three women. We learn this from the fact that the Shulchan Aruch didn’t write, ‘he should have it ameliorated by three men,’ but rather by threeאוֹהֲבִים /ohavim – ‘friends who loves the person’ (Rav Boaz Shalom, Mishnat HaChalomot, Sha’ar Hahalacha p. 267, FN 21 quoting Siach Tefilah, Sha’arei Tefilah, Sha’ar 6:9). I bless us all to have a restful sleep with beautiful dreams that will be fulfilled for good!

Ps. If you are interested in the ritual of dream amelioration instructions and text in Hebrew and English please email me at director@berotbatayin.org

Does the Torah Permit Prostitution?

Parashat Vayeshev
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Is the Mitzvah Observing Community Less Promiscuous?

In our time, sexual promiscuity runs rampant. One of my students, from Mexico, reported that her school began to teach about protection and give out condoms already in grade 6. I would think that the growing trend of pre-marital sex does not apply to the Torah observant community. However, a recent study among Jewish adolescents in Israel found that religious status was unrelated to compulsive sexual behavior (Efrati, 2018). Nevertheless, the findings on the whole in a larger body of research links religion to greater self-regulation, more self-control, and lower levels of impulsivity (McCullough & Willoughby, 2009). Thank G-d! Yet, the difference in sexual activity between Orthodox Jewish men and the world at large is less than what I would have expected. Although current Orthodox affiliation and being raised Orthodox were both associated with lower levels of problematic sexual behavior, these associations were beneath the threshold of statistical significance. Yet, religious individuals tend to experience significant guilt, shame, and general distress when engaged in such activities, leading to poor psychosocial outcomes. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6440048/ The sages of the Talmud recognized that sexual desire is one of the most difficult desires for people to deal with. They said, “A man of twenty who has not married spends all his days in thoughts of sin” (BT, Kiddushin 29b). The Talmud draws a halachic line “between what is ethically preferred and what is legally permitted. Prostitution would seem to fall into the second category as the following story testifies: “Rabbi Il’ai said that if a man’s urges overcome him, he should go to a place where he is unknown, wear black and cover himself in black, and do what his heart desires, so that he does not publicly profane G-d’s name” (BT, Moed Katan 17a; BT, Kiddushin 40a).

Does the Torah Permit Frequenting a Prostitute?

While it seems that the abovementioned Talmudic statement condones prostitution, various commentaries explain that this policy is meant as a preventive measure and not as blanket permission. It is only bedieved, (de facto), after a man is greatly tempted, unable to overcome his desire and would otherwise come to waste seed. He should do what he desires in a different city where he is not known, and so the name of Heaven will not be publicly desecrated (Tosafot, Chagiga 16a). According to Rabbeynu Chananel, the permission is a suggestion- only, to help him overcome his urges, but it doesn’t grant permission to go to a prostitute. According to those views that permit going to a prostitute in extenuating circumstances, the prostitute must have  immersed in a mikvah, as it is not permitted to engage in sexual relations with a woman who is a niddah, (Vayikra 18:19). Rambam clearly states that visiting a prostitute is forbidden: “Before the Torah was given, when a man would meet a woman in the marketplace, and he and she desired, he could give her payment, engage in relations with her wherever they desired, and then depart. Such a woman is referred to as a kedesha (harlot). When the Torah was given, [relations with] a harlot became forbidden, as it states: ‘There shall not be a harlot among the children of Israel’ (Devarim 23:18). Therefore, a person who has relations with a woman for the sake of zenut (lust), without kiddushin (Jewish marriage ceremony, literally sanctification), receives lashes as prescribed by the Torah, because he had relations with a harlot” (Rambam, Hilchot Ishut 1:4). 

What About Using a Non-Jewish Prostitute?

Prostitution is commonly referred to as “the world’s oldest profession,” one that has endured to our present day, but which is clearly frowned upon by the Torah. While it was recognized that prostitution could lead to pitfalls like incest and ritual impurity, it seems that many still believe that visiting a prostitute is permitted as a last resort, preferably with a non-Jewish prostitute. The Shulchan Aruch (and many additional halachic sources beyond the scope of this article) disprove this view: “A Jew who has sexual relations with a non‑Jew in the context of marriage or a Jewish woman who has sexual relations with a non‑Jew receive lashes according to Torah as it states in (Devarim 7:3). Others disagree. However, someone who has sexual relations with a non‑Jew not in the context of marriage and not in a fixed relationship receives lashes according to Rabbinic edict because of idolatry, and prostitution… If he is a Kohen, then even if they have a transient relationship, he gets lashes according to the Torah because of prostitution” (Vayikra 21:7); Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 16:1). “Concerning someone who has sexual relations with a non‑Jew – if the zealots don’t punish him and he also doesn’t get lashes from the beit din – then his punishment is karet as stated clearly in the Bible, ‘From the man who commits it, Hashem shall cut off one of acuity or erudition from the tents of Ya’acov…’ (Malachi 2:11-12)… However, if he publicly has sexual relations with a non‑Jew the halacha is that zealots can kill him as is stated in Choshen Mishpat 425. Thus, this transgression is included in arayot (sexual transgressions) and one is required to suffer martyrdom rather than transgress it as it states in Yoreh Deah 157” (Ibid. 16:2).

How Could a Hero Like Yehuda Use the Service of a Prostitute?

Clearly Yehuda’s turning to Tamar was an exception, rather than the rule, in order to allow the soul of Mashiach to be conceived. Some explain that he came to her in kiddushin (the sanctification of marriage), when she asked him, “what will you give me?” She intended, “with what will you sanctify me?” She requested his stamp, which was the ring that he would use as his signature stamp. Thus, she became sanctified by the ring (Ba’alei HaTosfot, Bereishit 38:17). Rabbeinu Bachaya adds that she asked for three particular items, in order to allude to the three things a man obligates himself to provide for his wife: 1. “Your stamp,” this is onah (marital intimacy) alluding to the sign of the holy brit considered a stamp.  2. “Your string” is clothing, 3. “Your staff” refers to sustenance as in “when I have broken the staff of your bread” (Vayikra 26:26). Likewise, Siftei Chachamim explains that he married her by money, by a sh’tar (a signed document) or he consummated the marriage by intercourse. Without explaining that Yehuda actually married Tamar, there are other possible ways to exonerate Yehuda, although, I would hope that men will not take advantage of the following argument from the Midrash, to excuse their selfish sexual escapades: “Rabbi Yochanan said, Yehuda wanted to pass on. Then Hashem sent an angel which was in charge of physical desire. He said to him: Yehuda where are you going, where are kings standing and from where do the great come forth AND HE TURNED TO HER ON THE WAY – against his will” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 85:8). This midrash comes to explain the unusual word used in the verse describing how Yehuda availed himself of Tamar’s services. Rather than the regular וַיָּבֹא/vayavo – ‘he came,’ used in numerous places with reference to intimacy, the Torah writes the word וַיֵּט/vayet – ‘he turned aside’ in reference to Yehuda’s encounter with Tamar (Bereishit 38:16). This deviation of language gives rise to the midrashic explanation that Hashem compelled him to turn to her against his will. Yehuda had to choose between falling into the sin of spilling seed, forbidden even to B’nei Noach, or coming to a prostitute, which was permitted before Matan Torah. He preferred the permitted way, especially since his sons were killed due to the sin of spilling seed (R. Yosef Shani, Iyunimin b’Megilat Ruth). When Yehuda felt the greatness of his desire and the inclination burning within him to be with her, he realized that he was unable to overcome it. Knowing himself to be a complete tzaddik, who never would be involved in illicit sexuality, he understood that there must be a reason that Hashem’s fire suddenly burned within him with the power of desire. It must be in order that something great should be born from it. Therefore, he said to her “Let me please come upon you” Meaning an invitation to urge her to prepare herself in kedusha, for the matter is not simple, and “accidents don’t happen to Tzaddikim” (Sefer Avodat Yisrael). Later, when Yehuda comes to collect his pledge, Hashem put the words in the mouth of the people of the place exclaiming, “There was never a prostitute here” (Bereishit 38:21).

Is it Permitted to be a Prostitute? What is the Halachic Definition of Prostitution?

The Torah makes it clear that it is prohibited to prostitute a Jewish girl: “Do not prostitute your daughter, to cause her to be a harlot, lest the land fall to harlotry, and the land become full of lust” (Vayikra 19:29). This includes one who gives his unmarried daughter to another man not for the purpose of marriage, and so too a woman who gives herself to a man not for the purpose of marriage (Sifra, Kedoshim 3:7). Based on this Sifra, Rashi explains that our verse refers to a person who hands his unmarried daughter over to have intimate relations not for the sake of marriage (Rashi, based on Sanhedrin 76a). Likewise, Rambam clarifies, “If, a person leaves his unmarried daughter accessible for anyone to engage in relations with her, this will cause the entire earth to be filled with sexual immorality… When a person has his daughter act in this manner, she is considered a harlot…When a girl prepares herself [for relations] either on her own initiative or on that of her father, she is a harlot. The prohibition against harlotry applies both to a virgin and a non-virgin” (Rambam, Hilchot Na’arah Betulah 2:17). Rashi defines a harlot in his commentary on the verse, “There shall not be a harlot…” (Devarim 23:18) as מופקרת מקודשת ומזומנת לזנות/mufkeret, mekudeshet umezumenet lezenut” – one who engages in promiscuous sexual behavior. Rabbi S.R. Hirsch adds that this prohibition applies to every premarital and extramarital intercourse. Similarly, Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan explains in Waters of Eden that according to the Torah’s definition, harlotry includes all forms of premarital sex, and has nothing to do with payment for the act. Thus, the definition of prohibited prostitution is much broader than merely referring to ‘sex workers’ as the term is defined in our time. Overcoming the various sexual temptations is one of the greatest challenges of all times, especially today. While few people have an urge to murder or worship idols, most grapple with sexuality. Our Sages explain that the greatest mark of righteousness is the ability to control one’s sexual temptations. Yet, “according to the difficulty is the reward” (Pirkei Avot, Chapter 5, Mishna 22). It is specifically sexual rectification that brings about our final redemption. This is because kabbalistically, sexuality corresponds to the ninth sefirah, Yesod, which precedes the tenth and final sefirah of Malchut, ‘Kingdom.’ Thus, the final generation before Mashiach operates within the cosmic sefirah of Yesod. Therefore, when the world has rectified sexuality (Yesod), then Mashiach can establish Hashem’s kingdom (Malchut) on earth. May it be soon!

What are the Determining Factors Defining a Sexual Encounter as Rape?

Parashat Vayislach
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Can a Person be a Rape Victim even if She Didn’t Protest?

Rape, abuse and harassment of women is unfortunately more common than we may realize. Besides the many cases reported daily in the news, numerous instances of rape go unreported due to the shame and embarrassment of the abused or her parents. In many cases the victim is a minor who may not even understand the nature of the traumatic experience that just happened to her. According to the statistics:  One in four girls will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. 96% of people who sexually abuse children are male. One in five women will be raped at some point in their lives. 91% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are female, and 9% are male. Once, when I taught the story of Dinah, the topic of blaming the victim came up. How do we know if a woman was actually raped or if she played her part by either egging the man on by the way she dressed and/or flirted? Perhaps she complied or even enjoyed herself? There is absolute consensus among the commentaries that Dinah was definitely raped and had no pleasure whatsoever from the sexual encounter with the prince of the land. When I explained to my students that rape, according to halacha, is contingent on the rape-victim screaming or in other ways protesting, I encountered the outrage of my students. They knew several women who had been completely numbed when being molested and thus incapacitated from reacting in any way. Nevertheless, they were still raped. Since rape includes an element of trauma, it’s not surprising that rape victims sometimes suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Among other symptoms, this includes psychic numbing and a diminished responsiveness to the external world (See, for example, Mary P. Koss and Mary R. Harvey, The Rape Victim: Clinical and Community Interventions (Sage Publications, 1991), pp. 78-79). I decided to look into the definition of a sexual encounter as rape, according to Halacha. Is there halachic evidence for defining a sexual encounter as rape even in the case when the victim was unable to protest?

Did Dinah Scream?

When Dinah is raped by Shechem her reaction isn’t recorded in the Torah:

ספר בראשית פרק לד (א) וַתֵּצֵא דִינָה בַּת לֵאָה אֲשֶׁר יָלְדָה לְיַעֲקֹב לִרְאוֹת בִּבְנוֹת הָאָרֶץ:

(ב) וַיַּרְא אֹתָהּ שְׁכֶם בֶּן חֲמוֹר הַחִוִּי נְשִׂיא הָאָרֶץ וַיִּקַּח אֹתָהּ וַיִּשְׁכַּב אֹתָהּ וַיְעַנֶּהָ:

“Dinah, the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Ya’acov, went out to look about among the daughters of the land. 2 When Shechem the son of Chamor, the Chivite, the prince of the land saw her, he took her, lay with her, and violated her” (Bereishit 34:1-2).

Here, the Torah portrays many of the dynamics of rape. In the story of Dinah, the Torah shifts from treating her as the grammatical subject in the first verse to grammatical object in the next. She is described as such no less than four times in in the second verse. This alludes to how the rapist treats his victim as an object. During the rape, her intentions and words do not matter. The rape is a jarring blow and many women take a great deal of time to recover from it. Some never recover. These women may continue to feel that they are objects, and that they cannot speak. Society reinforces these effects by encouraging silence on the part of women who have been raped. Some women take years to speak about their rape; some never do. The story of Dinah reflects this dynamic. This may be an indication of numbness and withdrawal (Rav Uri Cohen, What Can the Torah Teach Us About Rape). The story of Dinah reflects these real-life dynamics.

Did anyone ask Dinah about her experience, or how she feels? Is it possible that Dinah tries to recover her sense of self in silence and isolation?  According to Ramban, Dinah definitely screamed. He learns this from the Hebrew word וַיְעַנֶּהָ/vay’aneha – “and defiled her” which clearly refers to rape as Ramban explains:

…Every intercourse that is forced is called ענוי/inui – ‘affliction.’ Likewise, “You shall not treat her as a slave, because you have afflicted her (_­­­עִנִּיתָהּ/initah)” (Devarim 21:14).  “and my concubine they forced (עִנּוָּ/inu) and she died” (Shoftim 20:5). Scripture praises her by informing us that she was raped and was not interested in the prince of the land (Ramban, Devarim 34:2).

Ramban continues to describe how Dinah screamed and cried constantly. Otherwise Shechem wouldn’t have needed to ask his father, “Take for me this girl for a wife” (Bereishit 34:4). The girl was already in his possession and as the prince of the land, he had no need to fear that anyone would take her away from him. Yet because of Dinah’s resistance towards him, Shechem tried to bribe her family to convince her to concede willingly to the match (Ramban, Bereishit 34:12)

Is the Torah Blaming the Victim?

There are commentaries who explain Dinah to be somewhat at fault, as it states, “Dinah went out.” Had she stayed within the Jewish camp, in accordance with the ways of modest daughters of Israel, she would not have been molested (Tzror HaMor, Bereishit 34:1).Yet, the majority of commentaries refrain from blaming Dinah. She is called “daughter of Leah” to tell her praise. Dinah is compared to her mother in righteousness and modesty. Just as Leah went out in holiness towards Ya’acov to conceive more tribes, so did Dinah have pure intentions (Arbabanel ibid.). In contrast, the Torah has no mercy for the perpetrator of rape. Not only is rape of a married woman a capital crime (Devarim 22:25), the rape of any woman is compared to murder (Devarim 22:26). As such, it is not only permitted but actually a mitzvah to kill a rapist who is pursuing a woman, in order to save her from being molested (Sefer HaChinuch 600). The rapist of an engaged or married woman incurs the death penalty, whereas the rapist of a single woman must pay reparation for damages, as well as for her suffering, embarrassment and emotional anguish. This shows the Torah’s compassion and insight into the psychological injury of the rape victim (Babylonian Talmud, Ketubot 39a-b). It is not the Torah but the rape victims themselves who, at times, become prey to the natural phenomenon to blame themselves. Guilt feelings of the rape victim is a type of psychological poison or venom that the attacker leaves with his unfortunate victim. Since the Torah determines that rape is like murder – “This is no different from the case where a man rises up against his neighbor and murders him” (Devarim 22:26) then it obviously doesn’t blame the victim. Does someone murdered in cold blood by terrorists need to do teshuvah for what they did to him?

If She Doesn’t Scream, It Isn’t Rape

It is vital to define rape from a halachic perspective, as it may determine the difference between adultery and abuse in the case of a married woman. If the woman in question was married to a non-Kohen, she is permitted to her husband after being raped. However, if the sexual encounter with another man is not considered rape, the woman is forbidden to her husband, and moreover liable for the death penalty as an adulterous wife (Devarim 22:22). A court in Italy recently acquitted a man who raped his coworker, finding that because she did not scream, it could not be proven that she did not give her consent. In a shocking verdict, despite the woman’s testimony at trial and a psychological evaluation corroborating the rape, the Court acquitted the defendant. The Court found that the woman did not scream, cry, call for help, or ask the assailant to leave her alone in order to prevent the rape. According to the Court, the victim’s response was too “weak” to show that she did not consent to sexual contact.

https://www.womenslinkworldwide.org/en/awards/cases/if-she-doesn-t-scream-it-isn-t-rape

The Torah distinguishes between a girl in the city and in the field. If the rape took place in a public place “the penalty shall be imposed on the girl because she did not cry out in the city, and on the man, because he violated his neighbor’s wife” (Devarim 22:24). Yet, in a desolate place, she is not expected to scream since no one would hear her. “After all, [the man] attacked her in the field, and even if the betrothed girl had screamed out, there would have been no one to come to her aid” (Ibid. 27). It seems to me, that most rapists today would choose a rather desolate place to commit their crime, in order to avoid finding themselves behind bars. Even a city may today be considered as a field, since most homes are insulated with noise-proof walls, through which the neighbors may not discern if anyone screams. As long as the rape victim could assume that nobody would help her, there would have been no point in her screaming. Even in an apartment in the city, where there are neighbors who would have heard the rape-victim scream, the rapist may have muffled her mouth or threatened to kill her if she would scream. “According to Rambam, every woman in the field is considered raped until a witness testifies that she willingly consented to have intercourse. Every woman in the city is considered seduced [rather than raped] because she did not scream, until they witnessed that she was raped. For example, the rapist pulled his sword and told her, ‘if you scream, I will kill you.’ Ra’avad wrote, I do not know what difference it makes whether witnesses come to testify or not…”  (Tur, Even Haezer 177). In cases of doubt, the beit din (rabbinic court), must give the benefit of the doubt to the rape-victim, who is not to be embarrassed with any punishment whatsoever (Rabbi Yerucham Fishel Perla, Commentary on Sefer HaMitzvot of Rabbenu Saadia Gaon, Vol. 3, #37 p. 363). I will venture to suggest that in cases where the woman declares that she was molested in a city, a psychologist’s testimony to the fact that she was numbed and unable to scream, even if this doesn’t qualify to punish the rapist, it should suffice to verify that the woman was raped and therefore exonerated from any guilt.  

Why did the Torah Permit Polygamy?

Parashat Vayetze
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The Original Divine Model of Marriage was Monogamous

The other day, while I was teaching how the relationship between husband and wife reflects the relationship between Hashem and His people, Israel, one of my students asked how then the Torah permitted polygamy in the first place. I explained that Hashem created Adam with only one wife – Chava, thus the original model of marriage was monogamous. Our holy forefathers only took additional wives for specific reasons. Avraham married Hagar only at Sarah’s selfless initiative. She cared that Avraham would be able to fulfill his divine mission to be a father of many nations, even though she hadn’t yet been blessed to bear Avraham’s children. Therefore, she convinced him to take Hagar as a concubine. Yitzchak never had any wife but Rivkah. In fact, their relationship is considered an ideal marriage of equal partners (Rabbi Moshe Wisnefsky). Ya’acov only married Leah because he was tricked by Lavan who had exchanged his beloved Rachel for Leah. When he married Bilhah and Zilpah, it was only at the request of Rachel and Leah, who desired to bear children through them. Thus, we see that polygamy by our role-models in the Torah was always through the initiative of their first wife and or due to extenuating circumstances.

Polygamy: Never a Torah Ideal

Throughout Tanach, most polygamous relationships were problematic. Therefore, two cowives are called צרות/tzarot – ‘rivals’ (I Shemuel 1:6). Polygamy is a recipe for strife, jealousy, never-ending grief, distress and confrontation. We know this from the relationship between Sarah and Hagar, Chana and Penina, and from the rivaling of half-siblings, like the sons of Ya’acov and King David. Due to King Solomon taking too many wives, his kingdom was split, eventually resulting in the destruction of the Temple. The first example of polygamy teaches us how marrying more than one wife is regarded as immoral in the Torah. Lamech designated Ada to bear his children and deal with the housework, while Tzila would remain beautiful, child-free and available. Rashi characterizes Lemech’s marriage to two women at once (Bereishit 4:19) as part of the morally reprehensible practices that brought Hashem to destroy the world through the flood. “So was the custom of the generation of the flood, one [wife] for propagation and one for marital relations. The one who was for marital relations would be given a potion of roots to drink, so that she should become sterile. Then he would adorn her like a bride and feed her delicacies, but her companion was neglected and was mourning like a widow” (Rashi, ibid.). “To divide the wifely roles of mother and lover is to objectify women based on utility (Rabbi Ari Kahn, aish.com). What kind of reflection of the relationship between Hashem and Israel would such a triangle relationship generate? Certainly not one of unity and ultimate devotion.

Ya’acov’s Four Wives Builds the Nation of Israel

Ya’acov was destined to marry four wives because Ya’acov’s family built the Jewish nation. By taking several wives and giving birth to numerous children, Ya’acov was able to transform his extended family into a nation with a special covenant and relationship to Hashem. Thus, Ya’acov’s wives and children became the microcosm of the Jewish people. When Rachel and Leah offered their handmaids to Ya’acov, it was because, “The Matriarchs were prophetesses who were aware that twelve tribes would be born to Ya’acov, and that these twelve would descend from four wives” (Rashi, Bereishit 29:34).This is learned from Leah’s naming of Levi, “Now this time my husband will be attached to me, for I have borne him three sons; therefore, He named him Levi” (Bereishit 29:34). Thus, Leah proclaimed that Ya’acov could no longer harbor any complaints against her, since she had provided him with her full share of three sons (one quarter of the 12 tribes). The Matriarchs possessed an intuitive superconscious realization that they had the task and privilege to propel the historical process forward to eventually culminate in establishing the Israelite nation. Creating the Jewish nation is the patient product of generations of cultivation and nurturing through immense struggle and pain. Great indeed are the women who are perceptive enough to comprehend that their labor of child rearing also constitutes nation building. (Based on https://www.etzion.org.il/en/download/file/fid/3305).

The Four Holy Wives of Ya’acov Represent the Unity of the Four Dimensions

The Zohar goes even deeper explaining that Ya’acov had to marry four wives in order to reveal all the manifestations of existence. These aspects are represented by the four primeval rivers in Eden, the four archangels, the four directions, the four elements, and the four camps of the Shechina, and the four letters of Hashem’s name:

זוהר חלק ב דף רנו/ב

 ורזא דמלה, יעקב נטיל ארבע נשין, וכליל לון בגויה, ואף על גב דאוקימנא להאי מלה ברזא אחרא, דאיהו קיימא בין תרין עלמין, ורזא דכלא, כד יעקב נטיל האי היכלא דאיהו שתיתאה, נטיל וכליל בגוויה כל אינון ארבע נשין, ארבע מלאכין, וכלהו דבקי בהיכלא דא, אלין אינון ארבע רישי נהרין, דכתיב (בראשית ב י) ומשם יפרד והיה לארבעה ראשים, אלין ארבע רישין, אינון ארבע נשין דנטיל לון יעקב, ונטיל היכלא דא.

The secret of the matter: Ya’acov took four wives and included them within him. Though we explained it through another mystery, NAMELY, that he stands between two worlds OF ATZILUT, CALLED ‘RACHEL AND LEAH;’ NEVERTHELESS, the secret of the whole matter is that when Ya’acov took this chamber, the sixth one, he included in it these four women, who were four angels, all attached to this chamber. These are the four sources of the rivers, as it is written, “and from thence it was parted, and branched into four streams” (Bereishit 2:10). These four branches are the four women Ya’acov married, who took this chamber (Zohar 2,156b).

The Zohar explains that the souls of Rachel, Leah, Zilpah, and Bilhah, were really four parts of one soul, called “Rachel.” This concurs with the tradition that all four were sisters. Rachel and Leah were even twins (Seder Olam Rabbah 2). The rectification of creation requires the reunification of all four parts into one soul. This is similar to how Ya’acov absorbed Esav into his being by first buying the birthright, and then receiving the blessings. The four holy wives of Ya’acov represent Ya’acov’s mission in the world to unify all these elements and thus rectify Adam, whose sin caused the fragmentation of the world. For the sake of this lofty rectification, Ya’acov had to marry four wives and deviate from the command not to marry two sisters. By joining together with one husband and overcoming the natural tendency of rivalry, Ya’acov’s four holy wives became as one unified person, enacting the highest tikun of creation.

http://rebbetzinchanabracha.blogspot.com/2016/12/how-could-yaacov-marry-two-sisters.html

Restrictive Laws Concerning Polygamy Since Talmudic Times

Since Talmudic times, the sages disparaged marrying more than one wife. Already by the fourth or fifth century of the common era, the practice was discouraged or banned, and none of the rabbis named in the Talmud had polygamous relationships. In order to limit it, they decreed that polygamy was permissible only if the husband was capable of properly fulfilling his marital duties toward each of his wives. The opinion was also expressed, that if a man takes a second wife, he must divorce his first wife and pay her ketubah if she so demands (Yevamot 65a; Alfasi, Piskei ha-Rosh; Shulchan Aurch, EH 1:9). Similarly, according to Talmudic law, a man may not take a second wife if he has specifically stipulated in the ketubah that his first wife would be his only one (Shulchan Aruch, EH 76:8). Taking a second wife is also forbidden wherever monogamy is the local custom, since it is presumed that she only wishes to marry in accordance with local custom (Shulchan Aruch, EH 1:9; Beit Shemuel, ibid., 20; Chelkat Mechokek, ibid., 15, 76:8). Generally, the husband can only be released from this restriction with his wife’s consent (loc. cit.; Darchei Moshe, EH 1:1, n. 8; Shulchan Aruch, EH 76).

The Takana (Legislation) of Rabbeinu Gershom

Approximately one thousand years ago, the noted German scholar Rabbi Gershom, “the Light of the Diaspora” banned polygamy for Ashkenazi Jews. That ruling was subsequently accepted also by many Sephardic communities. This ban was instituted to prevent people from taking advantage of their wives and to avoid the inherent rivalry and hatred between rival wives.

Rabbi Gershom was also concerned lest the husband be unable to provide properly for all his wives. In exceptional circumstances, where a wife is physically or mentally incapable of accepting a get (bill of divorce) from her husband, the ban allowed the rabbinate to occasionally permit a man to remarry through “permission from 100 rabbis.” Certain authorities believed that the validity of the ban applied only until the year 1240. Others, however, held that it had no time limit. Even according to the first opinion, the ban remains in force after 1240, since later generations accepted it as a binding takanah. Accordingly, the ban now has the force of law for posterity (Resp. Rosh 43:8; Shulchan Aruch, EH 1:10; Aruch ha-Shulcḥan, EH 1:23; Otẓar ha-Poskim, EH 1:76).

The Law of the Land

At a national rabbinical conference called in 1950 by the chief rabbis of Israel, an enactment was passed making monogamy (apart from the above-mentioned permissions) binding upon all Jews irrespective of their communal affiliations. Thus, polygamy has been illegal in Israel since 1977, when a law made the practice punishable by up to five years in prison and a monetary fine (Penal Law Amendment (Bigamy) Law, 5719–1959). It is hard to understand why today in Israel there are still Rabbis who not only condone polygamy but even promote it. Rabbi Yehezkel Sopher, who heads the organization, Complete Jewish Family, placed an advertisement in a popular pamphlet, handed out at synagogue, calling for the return of plural marriage. He erroneously claims that the 11th-century polygamy ban expired in 1240. Sopher also claims that the reason the Israeli chief rabbinate opposes polygamy is their receiving state salaries. Personally, I know one woman in Israel, who became a second wife to a man who was 25 years her senior. This man, her Rabbi, convinced her that by becoming his second wife, she was doing a great mitzvah and speeding up the redemption. You can only wonder about the motivation of such men who condone polygamy.