How do We Cleanse our Guilty Conscience Towards Others and Hashem?

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Parashat Matot/Masei
How do We Cleanse our Guilty Conscience Towards Others and Hashem? 

What is the Difference Between Guilt and Remorse?

“I didn’t do it!” is my instinctive reaction as soon as I hear my husband asking with a tad of irritation, “Who took my screwdriver? Since there are basically only two of us living in our home such questions and similar ones – that I often hear – sound to me like accusations. “Why do you have such guilty consciousness?” asks my husband, as often the various questions of “Do you know where my x is?”  or “How did my x break?” etc. are not necessarily meant as accusations, but I immediately feel that perhaps I did something… In general, whenever something happens, I often feel that it is my fault. So, I’m actually guilty of having a guilty consciousness! There is an up and a downside to blaming ourselves whenever something goes wrong. It is important to take responsibility for our actions, admit, apologize, and rectify. Feeling guilty can thus be the first step of teshuva – also called regret or remorse. Yet there is a difference between guilt and remorse. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, guilt is a feeling of having done something wrong. Yet, remorse is a deep regret for a wrong committed. Whereas a guilty person wallows in the guilt for his past, remorse is the beginning of change to become better in the future. Feeling guilty is not a mitzvah because it is focusing more on ourselves than on the person we have wronged. We feel bad because of our damaged self-image. Remorse, on the other hand, focuses on the other person and how to rectify having mistreated him. It’s about genuinely caring for others and taking steps towards correcting our mistakes. Whereas feeling guilty is becoming helpless victims unable to extradite ourselves from the traps of our shame, repentance is the moral clarity that propels us forward, breaking through the chains of being held back by our negative past. According to the Torah, we are all essentially good (Rav Kook, Orot Yisra’el 1:4), but we aren’t always connected to the goodness in ourselves. Teshuva – ‘return’ is the process of returning to our higher selves.

Becoming Acceptable both in the Eyes of People and in Hashem’s Eyes

When the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menashe requested to remain on the other side of the Jordan River because the land of Gilead was suitable for their great livestock, Moshe was displeased. This would discourage the rest of the children of Israel from crossing the Jordan River and conquering the Promised Land. Moreover, how would it be fair for these tribes to remain in relative safety outside of the war zone when their brothers had to endanger their lives by going to war? (Bamidbar 32:2-7). The two-and-a-half tribes then offered to join the rest of the Israelites in the war of conquest promising their full support “until each of the children of Israel had taken possession of his inheritance” (Bamidbar 32:18). Moshe then became pleased with the tribes of Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe, as they were now rectifying the guilt of their selfishness by taking responsibility to participate fully in conquering all of the Promised Land.

ספר במדבר פרק לב פסוק כ וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵיהֶם משֶׁה אִם תַּעֲשׂוּן אֶת הַדָּבָר הַזֶּה אִם תֵּחָלְצוּ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם לַמִּלְחָמָה: (כא) וְעָבַר לָכֶם כָּל חָלוּץ אֶת הַיַּרְדֵּן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם עַד הוֹרִישׁוֹ אֶת אֹיְבָיו מִפָּנָיו :(כב) וְנִכְבְּשָׁה הָאָרֶץ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם וְאַחַר תָּשֻׁבוּ וִהְיִיתֶם נְקִיִּם מֵהָשֵׁם וּמִיִּשְׂרָאֵל וְהָיְתָה הָאָרֶץ הַזֹּאת לָכֶם לַאֲחֻזָּה לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם:

“Moshe said to them, ‘If you do this thing, if you arm yourselves for battle before Hashem, and your armed force crosses the Jordan before Hashem until He has driven out His enemies before Him, and the Land will be conquered before Hashem, afterwards you may return, and you shall be clean before Hashem and from Israel, and this land will become your heritage before Hashem” (Bamidbar 32:20-22).

The word הַזֶּה/haze – “this” in “If you do this thing” has the numerical value of the word טוב/tov – ‘good’ (17). This teaches us that we need to both be good towards Hashem and towards people. “There is no good except Torah (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 5a). Therefore, scripture said “If you do this thing” – which is the holy Torah, to be good towards both Hashem and towards people, this is a perpetual mitzvah, as it states, “You shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your children forever” (Shemot 12:24). (Ohev Yisrael, Parashat Bo). We must always keep both love of the Creator and love of our fellow Jews in our hearts together (Tiferet Shlomo, Parashat Pinchas). We must also avoid acting in ways that attract unnecessary suspicion and appear justified before people just as we must appear justified before HaMakom (the Omnipresent) as it states: “You shall be guiltless before Hashem and before Israel.” A person collecting funds from the chamber must not enter while wearing a cuffed garment, not with a shoe, a sandal, tefillin, or an amulet, since all of these have places into which money can be inserted. The concern is that perhaps the one collecting the funds will one day become poor, and people will say that it is because of the sin of stealing the shekels of the chamber as they will suspect that he stole money and hid it in those places. Or perhaps he will become rich and people will say that he became rich from stealing the funds of the chamber, even though he did not actually do so (Jerusalem Talmud Shekalim 3:2).

Evolving from Self-centered Guilt Towards Selfless Remorse of Teshuva

Moshe’s response to the tribes of the other side of the Jordan indicates, how they could rectify their materialistic desire by not only arming themselves for battle before the Israelites as they offered (Bamidbar 32:17), but by doing so “before Hashem” as well. Only by correcting themselves both before others and before G-d can we become guiltless. This is because the mitzvot from the Torah need intention – to be for the sake of Hashem (Rav Tzvi Elimelech of Dubno, Agra d’Kallah, p. 294a). Most people just care about what others will say, but how would it benefit us if we were respected by a thousand people but despised before Hashem? Conversely, why would it matter how many people honor us as long as we find favor with Hashem? Yet it is vital to act correctly towards people for the sake of Hashem and be accepted by both as it states, “Find favor and good understanding in the sight of G-d and man” (Mishlei 3:4); (Rabi Eliezer Papo, Hanhagot Tzaddikim, Hanhagot Yesharot 25).

At first, the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menasha, acted from a place of guilt rather than true remorse of teshuva. They were mainly concerned with their self-image and how they would appear in the eyes of the rest of the Israelites. Yet through Moshe’s gentle reprimand, they learned to rectify themselves both before others and before Hashem. By following this example, we too can move from the unhealthy self-centered guilt that is preoccupied with our self-image and with what others think of us. We can transform guilt into sincere remorse of repentance by evolving towards selfless dedication to something greater than ourselves – dedication to Hashem.

EmunaHealing Exercise for Transforming Guilt Feelings to Repentance
1. Make yourself relaxed on your cushion or chair and lean back if that feels comfortable.  You may want to close your eyes to be able to better focus inwardly. Take several deep breaths and relax even more.
2. As random thoughts enter your mind notice if you are harboring any guilt feelings. Perhaps you were rude to your primary school teacher or shoplifted when you were a teenager? Have you purposely hurt others, teased a younger sibling, or taken revenge? Even now as an adult, you may still feel guilty about the past or perhaps about something you did and said more recently, even yesterday. Allow yourself to get in touch with any possible guilt feelings whether revealed or concealed and repressed.
3. Do a body scan and notice where in the body your guilt feelings have attached themselves.
Perhaps in your throat or in your chest or guts? Tune in to your aching pain of guilt. What color, texture, and intensity does it have? Just allow yourself to notice without trying to change anything yet. We need to unearth the stains before being able to cleanse them.
4. Within the feelings of guilt or behind them, you may notice the feeling of despair and helplessness. Do you have a ‘storytelling yourself “I’m no good”? Where does it come from? Have you been overly criticized and put down during your childhood? Perhaps some of your current relationships still victimize you? Let yourself feel your feelings of inferiority, lowliness, and inadequacy. Inhale deeply and let out a loud sigh while exhaling. Repeat this way of breathing and sighing four additional times.
5. Does your guilt mainly center around your low self-image? Are you more concerned about how others see you and how you see yourself, than actually rectifying the wrongdoing? Even if you feel helpless, how would you be able to rectify it anyway? Breathe into your lowliness, inferiority, and helplessness.
6. Do you have to be stuck in the muck forever? Is there no way to lift yourself up from feeling so inadequate? Are you ready to begin the work of transforming your guilt?
Play with the idea of rewriting or editing the ‘story’ you have been telling yourself from “I’m no good” to “I’m created by Hashem who loves me!” or “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have,” or any other positive affirmation that you can think of right now.
7. Meditate on the following teachings by Rav Kook: “The powerful desire to be good to everyone, without limitation of the quantity of those benefiting nor of the quality of the benefits - this is the inner kernel of the essence of the soul of the Community of Israel.  This is its inheritance and the legacy from its ancestors, and this is the secret of the nation’s longing for redemption which gives it strength to live and exist…” How does your desire to be good to both people and Hashem express itself?
8. Tune into your inner goodness concealed inside or behind the feeling of helplessness within your guilt. Breathe in your own goodness and with your out-breath project them unto the places in your body where your guilt resides. Imagine rays of light emanating from the deepest place within, erasing each of your unrectified guilt feelings, little by little.
9. Allow yourself to accept that you aren’t helpless, through your inert desire to be good you can heal the shadows of your life. Envision the changes you want to enact to rectify your wrongdoing, whether of the past or of your current struggles. Visualize acting and being the person, you aspire to be. Hashem is empowering you with the power of change. You can return to yourself – to who you really are!

What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Parashat Miketz

What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Can Guilt feelings be Harmful?

One of my EmunaHealing clients (let’s call her Pam) requested to work on her serious sins before she became Torah observant. Although she had fully regretted her past actions and hadn’t repeated them for decades, she was still haunted by them. Pam was unable to let go of her worry and fear about having angered Hashem so greatly. Her guilt feelings about her past misdeeds made her depressed and scared that she wouldn’t be forgiven without suffering. Pam is not alone among women afflicted by intrusive, guilty thoughts. Our generation is called the GAT (guilty all the time) generation, and almost half of us are kept awake at night by guilt. More than 96 percent of women feel guilty at least once a day, while for almost half are hit by guilt feelings up to four times a day. What is worse is that not only is excessive guilt unhelpful; it may actually be harmful and counteract changing the negative behavior. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that just as we must confess our sins, it is vital to put past sins out of our mind after we already have repented of them. Repeating confession of past sins is harmful because we are obligated to believe that our repentance is effective and cleanses us of our past failings. Continuing to feel guilty after proper repentance demonstrates a lack of belief in G-d and His goodness – in fulfilling His promise to fully forgive us (Sha’arei Teshuva 4:21). Correspondingly, scientific studies have proven that guilt can be toxic. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia. In EmunaHealing ‘guilt’ is one of the negative emotions that blocks us from fully absorbing Hashem’s light. Then why does it seem that Yosef’s brothers were overcome by feelings of guilt when Yosef accused them of being spies, put them in prison, and demanded that they bring Binyamin?

Can Guilt Feelings be Constructive?

ספר בראשית פרק מב פסוק כא 

וַיֹּאמְרוּ אִישׁ אֶל אָחִיו אֲבָל אֲשֵׁמִים אֲנַחְנוּ עַל אָחִינוּ אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ צָרַת נַפְשׁוֹ בְּהִתְחַנֲנוֹ אֵלֵינוּ וְלֹא שָׁמָעְנוּ עַל כֵּן בָּאָה אֵלֵינוּ הַצָּרָה הַזֹּאת: (כב) וַיַּעַן רְאוּבֵן אֹתָם לֵאמֹר הֲלוֹא אָמַרְתִּי אֲלֵיכֶם לֵאמֹר אַל תֶּחֶטְאוּ בַיֶּלֶד וְלֹא שְׁמַעְתֶּם וְגַם דָּמוֹ הִנֵּה נִדְרָשׁ:

“Then they said to one another, ‘Indeed, we are guilty regarding our brother, that we witnessed the distress of his soul when he begged us, and we did not listen. That is why this trouble has come upon us.’ And Reuven answered them, saying, ‘Didn't I tell you, saying, ‘Do not sin against the youth,’ but you did not listen? Behold, his blood, too, is being demanded!’” (Bereishit 42:21-22).

 IN THAT WE SAW THE DISTRESS OF HIS SOUL WHEN HE IMPLORED US - It is obvious that the brothers now realized that their cruelty towards Yosef was worse than the sale itself since it was their blood-brother who was imploring and fell before them, but they didn’t have compassion (Ramban, Bereishit 42:21). We learn from this story that when apparently undeserved troubles happen to a person, it is important to examine his past deeds to find out what sin, intentional or unintentional, could have caused G-d to bring this to his attention in such a manner so that he would repent his error (Radak, ibid.). Rabbeinu Bachaya praises the brothers for admitting their guilt saying, WE ARE GUILTY REGARDING OUR BROTHER - “It is the way of tzaddikim to confess their sins and accept the judgment upon themselves. Most people act upon the natural tendency to immediately blame the perpetrator for treating them seemingly unfairly. The brothers could have easily blamed the ‘Egyptian Superior’ for his unwarranted cruelty, rather than asking themselves, “why is Hashem letting this happen to me? What could I have done to deserve this?” Also, in EmunaHealing we help divert the attention – of the people we treat – away from the person who mistreated them, to redirect them to look inside themselves, asking their heart, “What can I learn from this painful happening?”

Why was the Brothers’ Guilt Constructive?
The brothers’ guilt feelings led them to true regret and a deeper level of teshuva not only for the sin of selling Yosef but also for a lack of compassion upon him, as Rambam teaches, teshuva pertains not only to actions but also for negative qualities and emotions (Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva 7:3). Yet, in my experience, many of us – especially women – suffer from excessive guilt feelings, which can become counterproductive when they lead us to feel unworthy. Such guilt can cause us to sink into a debilitating depression, disempowering us from rising to the challenge of implementing positive changes in our lives. While remorse of regret is the first step of teshuva, it is only required when it leads to a stronger commitment to change in the future. Otherwise, guilt often has the opposite effect and becomes harmful as the following example demonstrates. In a study of ‘victim impact panels’ used by courts to decrease drinking and driving, several speakers, who had either been seriously injured by an impaired driver or had a loved one who was seriously injured or killed by a drunk driver, shared how the calamity impacted their lives. Although the convicts reported feeling increased guilt and remorse about drinking and driving, no difference was found between those who received this intervention and those who did not. In fact, in some groups, having heard this presentation actually increased the chances that the participants would drive drunk! (Matis Shulman MD, Addiction Psychiatry Fellow at Columbia University Medical Center, Repentance Without Guilt). Differencing between toxic and constructive guilt boils down to adding the correct amount of spice to roast, which will enhance and bring out the flavor of the food rather than making it so spicy hot that it becomes unhealthy and indigestible. May we learn to reframe teshuva in a healthier and more productive way, where the goal is not guilt or self-flagellation, but rather assessment of past mistakes with a focus on self-improvement.

 EmunaHealing Exercise to Let go of Excessive Guilt
1. Sit in a relaxed position and close your eyes. Allow yourself to meditate in silence. Focus on your breath and set an intention to release excessive guilt.
2. Recall an incident in the recent past where you felt guilty. It may be a time when you raised your voice in an argument with a loved one, perhaps you were too judgmental and critical, or you feel guilty about overeating. Identify an instance where you experienced this feeling of guilt.
3. Envision the details about the incident that elicited your guilt feeling. Try to picture what actually happened as vividly as you can. You are not the event, argument, or guilt; you are merely witnessing what is happening from the perspective of your silent self.
4. Accept who you are and that what you did was meant to be. Then imagine how it would be possible to act differently in the future. Make a conscious decision to change your future response for the better.
5. Gradually allow your attention to enter your body. Become aware of the physical sensations that arise in your body because of the guilt feelings you’ve identified.
6. Let your attention pass through your body as you’re recalling this experience. Locate the sensations the memory brings up. Find where it is in your body you’re feeling and holding the guilt.
7. Now express that feeling. Place your hand on the part of your body where you sense that the feeling is located. Say it aloud: “It hurts here.” If you’re aware of more than one location for the pain, move your hand from place to place. At every location, pause for a moment and express what you’re feeling. Say, “It hurts here.”
8. Be aware that any painful feelings you experience are your feelings. These feelings are happening inside your body now as you remember the pain. While you’re remembering what happened, your body is reacting with muscle contractions and other responses within you.
9. You have a choice of how to interpret and respond to emotional turbulence. Recognizing this is taking responsibility for your feelings.
10. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you can also gain the power to make the pain and guilt melt away. You’re no longer blaming yourself or anyone else for having caused the pain, so you no longer need to depend on anyone else to make it go away. Hold that understanding in your consciousness for the next few moments.
11. Now prepare yourself to release the guilt. Place your attention on the part of your body where you’re holding the excessive guilt, and with every exhalation of your breath, have an intention of releasing that guilt. Just feel the painful sensation leaving your body with every breath. You may make an audible tone that resonates in that part of your body where the pain is localized to help loosen and lift the contraction away.
12. Keep in mind that no one can make you feel guilty. The real cause of your guilt was your own response. In your transformed state, you are now free. Imagine that you could speak to the person who was involved in the incident that made you feel guilty. What would you say to that person now? Share what happened without guilt, blame, or seeking approval. Whatever you say will be right for you.
13. Now you can celebrate your past painful guilt feelings as valuable steppingstones that brought you to a higher level of consciousness. What was previously a disconnected, destructive disabling guilt is now integrated and empowering for achieving your greater spiritual goal of teshuva. Instead of responding to the situation with a guilty consciousness, perpetuating the problem, you’ve turned it into an opportunity for spiritual transformation. That is something to celebrate! Go out for a nice dinner or buy yourself some flowers or a present to honor the new you!