Parashat Matot/Masei
How do We Cleanse our Guilty Conscience Towards Others and Hashem?
ספר במדבר פרק לב פסוק כ וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵיהֶם משֶׁה אִם תַּעֲשׂוּן אֶת הַדָּבָר הַזֶּה אִם תֵּחָלְצוּ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם לַמִּלְחָמָה: (כא) וְעָבַר לָכֶם כָּל חָלוּץ אֶת הַיַּרְדֵּן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם עַד הוֹרִישׁוֹ אֶת אֹיְבָיו מִפָּנָיו :(כב) וְנִכְבְּשָׁה הָאָרֶץ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם וְאַחַר תָּשֻׁבוּ וִהְיִיתֶם נְקִיִּם מֵהָשֵׁם וּמִיִּשְׂרָאֵל וְהָיְתָה הָאָרֶץ הַזֹּאת לָכֶם לַאֲחֻזָּה לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם:
“Moshe said to them, ‘If you do this thing, if you arm yourselves for battle before Hashem, and your armed force crosses the Jordan before Hashem until He has driven out His enemies before Him, and the Land will be conquered before Hashem, afterwards you may return, and you shall be clean before Hashem and from Israel, and this land will become your heritage before Hashem” (Bamidbar 32:20-22).
The word הַזֶּה/haze – “this” in
“If you do this thing” has the numerical value of the word טוב/tov – ‘good’
(17). This teaches us that we need to both be good towards Hashem and towards
people. “There is no good except Torah (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 5a).
Therefore, scripture said “If you do this thing” – which is the holy Torah, to
be good towards both Hashem and towards people, this is a perpetual mitzvah, as
it states, “You shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your
children forever” (Shemot 12:24). (Ohev Yisrael, Parashat Bo). We
must always keep both love of the Creator and love of our fellow Jews in our
hearts together (Tiferet Shlomo, Parashat Pinchas). We must also avoid
acting in ways that attract unnecessary suspicion and appear justified before
people just as we must appear justified before HaMakom (the Omnipresent)
as it states: “You shall be guiltless before Hashem and before Israel.” A
person collecting funds from the chamber must not enter while wearing a cuffed
garment, not with a shoe, a sandal, tefillin, or an amulet, since all of these
have places into which money can be inserted. The concern is that perhaps the
one collecting the funds will one day become poor, and people will say that it
is because of the sin of stealing the shekels of the chamber as they will
suspect that he stole money and hid it in those places. Or perhaps he will
become rich and people will say that he became rich from stealing the funds of
the chamber, even though he did not actually do so (Jerusalem Talmud
Shekalim 3:2).
At first, the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menasha, acted from a place of guilt rather than true remorse of teshuva. They were mainly concerned with their self-image and how they would appear in the eyes of the rest of the Israelites. Yet through Moshe’s gentle reprimand, they learned to rectify themselves both before others and before Hashem. By following this example, we too can move from the unhealthy self-centered guilt that is preoccupied with our self-image and with what others think of us. We can transform guilt into sincere remorse of repentance by evolving towards selfless dedication to something greater than ourselves – dedication to Hashem.
EmunaHealing Exercise for
Transforming Guilt Feelings to Repentance
1. Make yourself relaxed on your
cushion or chair and lean back if that feels comfortable. You may want to
close your eyes to be able to better focus inwardly. Take several deep breaths
and relax even more.
2. As random thoughts enter your
mind notice if you are harboring any guilt feelings. Perhaps you were rude to
your primary school teacher or shoplifted when you were a teenager? Have you
purposely hurt others, teased a younger sibling, or taken revenge? Even now as
an adult, you may still feel guilty about the past or perhaps about something
you did and said more recently, even yesterday. Allow yourself to get in touch
with any possible guilt feelings whether revealed or concealed and repressed.
3. Do a body scan and notice where
in the body your guilt feelings have attached themselves.
Perhaps in your throat or in your
chest or guts? Tune in to your aching pain of guilt. What color, texture, and
intensity does it have? Just allow yourself to notice without trying to change
anything yet. We need to unearth the stains before being able to cleanse them.
4. Within the feelings of guilt or
behind them, you may notice the feeling of despair and helplessness. Do you
have a ‘storytelling yourself “I’m no good”? Where does it come from? Have you
been overly criticized and put down during your childhood? Perhaps some of your
current relationships still victimize you? Let yourself feel your feelings of
inferiority, lowliness, and inadequacy. Inhale deeply and let out a loud sigh
while exhaling. Repeat this way of breathing and sighing four additional times.
5. Does your guilt mainly center
around your low self-image? Are you more concerned about how others see you and
how you see yourself, than actually rectifying the wrongdoing? Even if you feel
helpless, how would you be able to rectify it anyway? Breathe into your
lowliness, inferiority, and helplessness.
6. Do you have to be stuck in the
muck forever? Is there no way to lift yourself up from feeling so inadequate?
Are you ready to begin the work of transforming your guilt?
Play with the idea of rewriting or
editing the ‘story’ you have been telling yourself from “I’m no good” to “I’m
created by Hashem who loves me!” or “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I
have,” or any other positive affirmation that you can think of right now.
7. Meditate on the following
teachings by Rav Kook: “The powerful desire to be good to everyone, without
limitation of the quantity of those benefiting nor of the quality of the
benefits - this is the inner kernel of the essence of the soul of the Community
of Israel. This is its inheritance and the legacy from its ancestors, and
this is the secret of the nation’s longing for redemption which gives it
strength to live and exist…” How does your desire to be good to both people and
Hashem express itself?
8. Tune into your inner goodness
concealed inside or behind the feeling of helplessness within your guilt.
Breathe in your own goodness and with your out-breath project them unto the
places in your body where your guilt resides. Imagine rays of light emanating
from the deepest place within, erasing each of your unrectified guilt feelings,
little by little.
9. Allow yourself to accept that
you aren’t helpless, through your inert desire to be good you can heal the
shadows of your life. Envision the changes you want to enact to rectify your
wrongdoing, whether of the past or of your current struggles. Visualize acting
and being the person, you aspire to be. Hashem is empowering you with the power
of change. You can return to yourself – to who you really are!
Hi. Where can I find the auto version of this blog. I would like to listen to it as well.
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