Why is it Man’s Mitzvah to Please his Wife in Bed?

Parashat Mishpatim 
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The Right of the Lowly Maidservant

We learn the laws of marital relations from the rights of the maidservant – a girl sold into slavery by her father who is unable to provide for her. It’s a mitzvah for the master to either marry this girl or marry her off to his son. That way the future of this poor girl is secured. From this maidservant, we also learn the rights of wives for all times. Should either the master or the son, turned husband, want to take an additional wife, he is only permitted – even at the time of polygamy – if he is able to continue providing clothes, food and intimacy for his first wife, the maidservant: 

ספר שמות פרק כא  פסוק י אִם אַחֶרֶת יִקַּח לוֹ שְׁאֵרָהּ כְּסוּתָהּ וְעֹנָתָהּ לֹא יִגְרָע:

“If he takes another [wife] for himself, he shall not diminish her sustenance, her clothing, or her marital relations” (Shemot 21:10).

This teaches us that every woman – no matter how lowly her status may be – has basic marital rights. Every husband is obligated by the Torah to provide his wife with food, clothing and physical intimacy to the best of his ability. The word עֹנָתָה/onata denotes ‘her marital relations,’ yet it also means ‘her prescribed times.’ From this word, the Talmud learns that it is the husband’s obligation to fulfill his wife with marital intimacy at prescribed times (Babylonian Talmud, Ketuvot 47b). This mitzvah applies at all times and places, but only to men (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 240). In contrast to the secular world, in which the woman is often made into a sexual object, in the Torah it’s rather the other way around. The word for making love, used in the Talmud and Halacha, is תַּשְׁמִישׁ/tashmish which literally means ‘to serve’ – i.e. serving his wife. 

Why is it the Man’s Mitzvah to Provide Sexually for His Wife?

Hashem created men and women differently. Whereas a woman integrates her spiritual, emotional and physical sides, a man’s physicality is often detached from his emotional and spiritual aspects. This is because his particular role – such as for example serving in the army – may require special focus and detachment from his emotions and family ties. In contrast, a woman naturally integrates all parts of her being which facilitates her role as a multitasking mother. These general differences between men and women play out in the marital bedroom. Whereas a man can be physically aroused, without a spiritual or emotional connection, a woman needs to feel a loving, spiritual bond in order to awaken physically to her husband. She, therefore, needs deep spiritual affinity, sincere words of endearment, kisses and gradual caresses in order to enjoy her marital intimacy. This inherent nature of women requires the husband to communicate his feelings of love in more expressive ways, which helps make the connection between them deeper and more complete. Thus, when a man ‘serves his wife’ in the bedroom, she helps elevate his physical desire to her integrated connection between the physical and spiritual domains. Rather than focusing on his own physical pleasure, it is the husband’s mitzvah is to make his wife happy (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 72b). Fulfilling this mitzvah in the highest way, requires that the husband strive to bring his wife to climax (Rav Eliezer Melamed, The Happiness of the Home and its Blessing p. 19).

Why Does the Torah Give Prescribed Times for Marital Relations?

The Torah prescribes how often a husband must be available for relations with his wife, if she so desires. The frequency depends on his occupation. The times for conjugal duty: for independent men (who don’t work), every day; for workers, twice a week; for donkey-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months (Ketubot, Chapter 5, Mishna 6). A wife can give her husband permission to be away from her for longer periods of time, for example, for the sake of supporting the family. However, it is her right to demand that he finds work closer to home. If he was a worker when she married him, he is not permitted to become a camel driver without her permission. For most regular couples today, the prescribed time for marital intimacy is twice a week (Rav Melamed p. 36). It is preferred that one of these times be Friday night when we have the mitzvah of oneg (taking pleasure in) Shabbat (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 280:1).  In addition to the prescribed time, a husband has a mitzvah to be with his wife whenever she desires him (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 72b). This is understood from the additional meaning of the word עֹנָתָה/onata – “responding to her.” The reason for fixed times is to encourage a healthy, stable, intimate relationship. Otherwise, there might always be something pressing that comes in the way, especially when being together is no longer new and special. It would then be easy to push off the mitzvah, due to tiredness, headache, upset stomach, a disturbing event etc. Over the years, I’ve had several clients who shared with me that they hadn’t been with their husbands for several months. I had to explain to them that living without physical expression for the connection between marriage partners will weaken their love and eventually distance them completely from one another.  

The Holiness of Marital Relations

Marital intimacy is the holiest act possible in this world. It causes the Shechina (Divine In-Dwelling Presence) to reside in the world and opens a window to the World-to-Come. Marital union makes us partners with Hashem in bringing down holy souls into the world. Even when no actual child is conceived, souls may still be conceived. From the holy intentions of Avraham male souls were brought down. From Sarah’s holy intentions, female souls were brought down into the world (Zohar part 3 168a). Physical love between husband and wife mirrors the spiritual love between Hashem and the Jewish people. Therefore, when Hashem was pleased with Israel, the male and female golden figures on top of the ark with the Tablets of the Ten Commandments in the Holy of Holies of the Tabernacle were embracing. When Israel turned away from Hashem, these cherubs would turn away from one another (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Batra 99a). We were redeemed from Egypt in the merit of the women who aroused their tired and worn husbands to marital union. Each woman revived her husband from the despair of bondage. It was as if she told him, “Although you may be a lowly slave, in my eyes you are important and dear. I am as delighted with you as if you had returned home from an honorable job. Therefore, I came to you in the field to wash your tired feet and massage your aching body sore from whipping, because you are my beloved husband.” Then she would flirt with her husband while looking together with him in her copper mirror. The mirrors of these holy women became the washbasin that purified the Kohanim and prepared them for their holy service. G-d insisted that Moshe accept these mirrors, “Because through them the women reared those huge hosts in Egypt. Therefore, these are more precious to Me than anything” (Midrash Tanchuma Pekudei 9); (Rashi, Shemot 38:8). Although it is man’s mitzvah to please his wife, it takes two to tango! Bringing redemption is attributed to the women who work on feeling desire for their husbands and express their loving, marital, affectionate yearning. More than anything, this is what brings down the Shechina into the world!

Why Wouldn’t I Marry a Convert?

Parashat Yitro

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How Can Emancipated Western Jews Discriminate?

It’s unbelievable how in our modern, egalitarian civilization, many Jews still regard converts as second-class citizens. At a wedding many years ago, I struck up a conversation with a matchmaker about some of my students, who were looking for a suitable shidduch. She was very interested, until I pointed out one of the intended students. She stood out in the crowd due to her dark-colored skin. The matchmaker indignantly exclaimed, “Sorry I don’t have anyone for her! If you had a son in the marriageable age, would you consider marrying him off to someone like her? That question has remained with me over the years and I truly don’t see any reason why not. Apparently, many Jews-from-birth do not share my sympathies. I even heard a very feminist family member express the opinion that a Jew should not go out on a date with a convert, unless he has a serious problem! As a director of a conversion program, these prejudiced opinions greatly irk me. I’m in daily contact with the most precious souls yearning for closeness with Hashem and passionately seeking to enter the Jewish fold in order to serve Him even more. I would rather see my children married to converts like these, than to Jews with a wishy-washy commitment to Torah. The conversion candidates’ enthusiasm for Torah and Mitzvot is a great inspiration for my Jewish students. Over the years, I had several sincere conversion students who became engaged to young men from the Syrian community. Their ban against marrying converts is well known. The parents of one such young man highly opposed the match and even refused to attend the wedding! What a shame! It took some time but finally they were reconciled after getting to know their new daughter-in-law, who is scrupulous about keeping the mitzvot and has the best and kindest character traits. I really don’t see any reason why even a rabbinic family wouldn’t want their son or daughter to marry a righteous convert. Moshe Rabbeinu, himself, didn’t find it beneath him to marry the convert, Tziporah, daughter of Yitro, who had served every kind of idol before he embraced the Jewish faith.

Weren’t We All Converts?

In a sense, we were all converts when we received the Torah at Mount Sinai. We then underwent a major transformation by accepting the obligation of the 613 mitzvot, similar to a conversion candidate. The Talmud teaches us, that the souls of the future righteous converts were actually there, with us at Mount Sinai, and received the Torah together with us:

“But not with you alone…” (Devarim 29:13). “…but also with those who are not with us today” (Ibid 14). I have only those who were currently standing on Mount Sinai. From where do we learn about the future generations and the converts that would convert in the future? Scripture teaches us: “And with those who are not here with us today” (Ibid.); (Babylonian Talmud, Shavuot 39a).     

     

A close look at the verse quoted above in the original Hebrew, teaches us that it alludes to Yitro, the first convert to Judaism, following the Exodus from Egypt. The last letters of the phrase, “with those who are here” actually spell out the name ‘Yitro!”

ספר דברים פרק כט פסוק יד כִּי אֶת אֲשֶׁר יֶשְׁנוֹ פֹּה עִמָּנוּ עֹמֵד הַיּוֹם לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵינוּ וְאֵת אֲשֶׁר אֵינֶנּוּ פֹּה עִמָּנוּ הַיּוֹם:

Just as today, the process of becoming Jewish consists of several steps, already in Egypt we were made to suffer for being different due to our Jewishness. With this archetypal memory, we should know better than to discriminate against converts. The Torah cautions us numerous times to love the convert:

“When a convert lives with you in your land, you shall not taunt him. The convert who dwells with you shall be as a native from among you, and you shall love him as yourself; for you were strangers in the land of Egypt” (Vayikra 19:33-34).

According to the Talmud, the Torah warns against wronging a convert 36 times:

Our Rabbis taught: He who hurts the feelings of a proselyte transgresses three negative injunctions, and he who oppresses him infringes two… Rabbi Eliezer the Great said: Why did the Torah warn against [the wronging of] a convert in thirty-six, or as others say, in forty-six, places?” (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Metzia 59b).

Returning the Jewish Sparks to Their Fold    

One of the main reasons for our prolonged exile is in order to gather converts and return the Jewish sparks, scattered in the four corners of the earth, back to Israel, as Rabbi Elazar said, “The Holy One did not exile Israel among the nations except in order to add converts, as it states: ‘I will sow her to me in the earth’”  (Hoshea 2:25); (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 87b). The fact that conversion candidates already have a Jewish spark in their soul, is alluded to in another Talmudic statement that discusses the laws of conversion. The passage opens with, “A convert who comes to convert...” (Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 47a). This begs the question – why does it say, “a convert who comes to convert”? Rather than, “a gentile who comes to convert”! Doesn’t the convert only become a convert after completing the conversion process? Perhaps the reason for this Talmudic expression is that the future convert already has a Jewish spark inside of him or her.

The Sincerity of the Righteous Conversion Candidate

In order to give you a feeling of the Jewish spark inherent in the conversion candidate’s soul, I would like to share with you, some anonymous quotes from past conversion students:

“My spiritual journey has been a very long one and would never fit within a 500-word limit. However, I can sum it up as a constant longing to find truth, clarity, and a connection to something greater than myself. This search is what eventually led me to Torah Judaism and then later to the decision to convert. Somewhere along this Jewish journey I lost part of myself, and I had to rediscover that.” 

“I don’t know if there’s necessarily a reason why I want to convert, because it seems all of me wants to convert, it’s like I need to find myself, and be myself and I can only be myself once I’m Jewish. I think it’s my inner self, finally coming through after years and years of repression. I think deep down I always wanted to be Jewish, I just didn’t know the name of what I wanted to be.”

“I see why Hashem lead me through several phases, to reach where I am today. It has been a slow process but for a long time now I have known I cannot live a life not being Jewish. As a Noahide I always felt I was lying to myself, this is not me, my soul is yearning for something else. By His mercy I found Him, I found my people and my home. It has been an intense, tough and awesome soul journey reaching into the depths of my being, reshaping the worldview I had from childhood. I am very excited to continue my journey towards my G-d-given purpose in this life. Baruch Hashem!” 

 

The following Midrash recognizes that even before formal conversion, the soul of the conversion candidate is precious and in a way equal to a righteous Jew. We learn this from the comparison of Ruth to Naomi:

ילקוט שמעוני רות - פרק א - רמז תרא אמר ר’ אבהו בוא וראה כמה חביבין גרים לפני הקב”ה כיון שנתנה דעתה להתגייר השוה הכתוב אותה לנעמי שנאמר ותלכנה שתיהן עד בואנה בית לחם:

Rabbi Abahu said, Come and see how precious are proselytes to the Holy One, blessed be He. Once she [Ruth] had set her heart on converting, Scripture placed her in the same rank as Naomi, as it is said, “They both walked until they came to Bethlehem” (Yalkut Shimoni, Ruth 1:601).

Thus, Ruth was compared to Naomi in righteousness, even before she could formalize her conversion in front of the Rabbinical Court.

Who was the First Convert to Judaism?

By naming the Torah portion in which the Israelites receive the Torah, Parashat Yitro, the Torah attributes great honor to Yitro, a convert whose daughter, Tziporah, became Moshe’s wife. Yitro, the past master of every kind of idol-worship, was able to transform the seven powers of negative spirituality into the realm of holiness. Yitro has seven names. Each corresponds to one of the new paths of holiness which now became his essence (Shem M’Shmuel, Parashat Yitro, year 5674). There is no clear-cut answer to the question of who the first convert to Judaism was. Although some call Yitro the first Jewish convert, several generations beforehand, Avraham and Sarah were involved in converting the many idol-worshippers they encountered (Bereishit 12:5 with Rashi). Also their offspring, Yitzchak and Ya’acov, engaged in converting gentiles (Ibid, Rabbeinu Bachaya). Some say that Hagar, the daughter of Pharaoh was the first convert to Judaism as her name indicates. Yet, her offspring did not remain on the Jewish path. Yitro is the first convert who converted after the Israelites formally became the Jewish people by accepting the Torah at Sinai. Some call Ruth, the progenitor of the Messianic lineage, the first convert.   

Ultimate Return

It is interesting to note that the name יִתְרוֹ/Yitro has the same letters as רוּת/Ruth, with an added letter י/yud. Although י/yud is the letter of wisdom, with which Yitro was blessed abundantly, Ruth surpassed Yitro in her devotion and desire to live in Israel. Yitro, on the other hand, was unwilling to follow his son-in-law Moshe, but returned back to his fatherland (Bamidbar 10:29-30). Through Ruth’s yearning to follow her mother-in-law to an unknown future in the Land of Israel, she surpassed the righteous convert Yitro. The great reward that Ruth received was not only the result of her sincere conversion, but also of her deep understanding and conviction to come to the Land of Israel and join the Jewish people. I feel fortunate and blessed to have the merit being a mentor for righteous converts who follow in the footsteps of Ruth. There is not one day I’m not inspired by their commitment and devotion to Torah and mitzvot including the mitzvah of living in the Land of Israel.

What is the Connection Between the Splitting of the Sea and Matching Soulmates?

Parashat Beshalach
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Being “In Shidduchim”

I personally never went out on a shidduch – an arranged date or a blind date. Actually, this is not exactly true. Before my first meeting with my husband of 38 years, there was a bit of arranging unbeknownst to me! My husband, who was then a single guy of 27, had arranged that I would be invited to the same Shabbat table as him. He had noticed me on my way to the Yeshiva lunch room, as he walked by when the men returned to the Yeshiva after finishing their lunch. Aware of the often-prolonged process of seeking a suitable marriage partner that many of my students and other singles endure, I’m grateful that I was spared this hardship by getting married young. The Talmud compares finding one’s soulmate to the splitting of the sea:

תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוטה דף ב/א אמר אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן וְקַשְׁיָן לְזִווּגִן כִּקְרִיעַת יַם סוּף שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (תְּהִלִּים סָח) אֱלֹהִים מוֹשִׁיב יְחִידִים בַּיְתָה מוֹצִיא אֲסִירִים בַּכּוֹשָׁרוֹת...

Rabbi Yochanan said, it is as difficult to match couples in marriage as was the splitting the Reed Sea, as it states, “G-d settles the solitary in a house; He takes the prisoners out into prosperity…” (Tehillim 68:7); (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 2b).

People who have waited long to find their soulmate can testify that finally standing under the marriage canopy feels like being released from prison. I always understood the comparison between the splitting of the sea and matchmaking as an inverted comparison. In Hebrew, the word מַיִם/mayim – ‘water’ is only found in the plural, as you cannot separate only an unconnected drop from the great waters. Thus, as difficult as it is to split waters which are always united, so is it difficult to splice two separate beings to become one. Yet, there are many more eye-opening parallels between matchmaking and sea-splitting.

Split and Splice

It is hard to understand that matchmaking and the splitting of the sea are considered asקָשֶׁה /kashe׳ – ‘difficult’ for Hashem. How can anything be difficult for the Almighty? The Chazon Ish explains that the word, קָשֶׁה /kashe׳ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘difficult,’ as nothing can be difficult for the Master of the Universe. Rather, קָשֶׁה /kashe׳ denotes Hashem’s intervention into the natural flow of cause and effect. When Hashem engages in overt suspension of nature, that is called קָשֶׁה /kashe׳ – ‘difficult.’ Both Shidduchim and the splitting of the sea are evident intercessions into the randomness of nature (based on an article by Eliezer Eisenberg). The continuation of the Talmudic passage quoted above describes the predestined nature of soulmates:

תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוטה דף ב/א ארבעים יום קודם יצירת הולד בת קול יוצאת ואומרת בת פלוני לפלוני...

Forty days before the formation of the fetus, a Bat Kol (Heavenly Voice) goes out and proclaims, “The daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so…” (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 2b).

Similarly, the splitting of the Reed Sea was predetermined as it states,

ספר שמות פרק יד פסוק כז וַיֵּט משֶׁה אֶת יָדוֹ עַל הַיָּם וַיָּשָׁב הַיָּם לִפְנוֹת בֹּקֶר לְאֵיתָנוֹ...

“So, Moshe stretched out his hand over the sea, and toward morning the sea returned to its strength…” (Shemot 14:27).

The word לְאֵיתָנוֹ/l’eitano – ‘to its strength’ can be unscrambled to לִתְנָאוֹ/l’tenao – ‘to its condition.”  Accordingly, the midrash explains that the Reed Sea was created on condition that it would split for the Israelites (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 5:5). Thus, the splitting of the sea was preordained in the same way that soulmates are preordained from before birth. If these matters are predestined, then aren’t they part of nature? If so, why are they called ‘difficult’ suspensions of nature? The ‘difficulty’ is that, although they are predestined, Hashem withholds them until we are worthy to let them happen through our steadfast emunah, heartfelt prayer and hishtadlut (effort). We need complete faith that just because we still haven’t found our soulmate, and even if we have many strikes against us, we will indeed, ultimately find our soulmate, at the right time, that only Hashem knows.

Meeting with Matchmakers

Yet, emunah and prayer alone is not enough to find our soulmate.

ספר שמות פרק יד פסוק טו וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֶל משֶׁה מַה תִּצְעַק אֵלָי דַּבֵּר אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וְיִסָּעוּ:

“Hashem said to Moshe, ‘Why do you cry out to Me? Speak to the children of Israel and let them travel’” (Shemot 14:15).

The Israelites had to make the sea split through their own effort and mesirat nefesh (self-sacrifice) by starting to walk into the water. So, what is the equivalent effort needed in order to find one’s soulmate? The answer is very individual and differs from person to person. It could mean working on ourselves by refining our character to “become the ONE in order to find the ONE!” as articulated by my friend, Bari Lyman. She further teaches, that there may be several blocks deriving from unconscious fear-filled ‘stories’ caused by a lack of emunah that peoples’ unconscious mind program them to think. Working on these blocks can be compared to releasing prisoners and freeing oneself from limiting ‘mind spins.’  I highly recommend working with a professional such as Bari. It states, “A prisoner cannot release himself from prison” (Babylonian Talmud Berachot 5b). Meeting with matchmakers and calling them monthly as a reminder is another vital, much needed effort. About ten years ago, I had two students who were both in their mid-thirties and eager to get married. One got a list of matchmakers and went to work making numerous phone calls and setting up meetings. The other relied on her emunah and prayer, believing that at the right time, Hashem would send her soulmate. Not surprisingly, the first student has been happily married for several years whereas, the other is still single. Another important aspect is the effort required to check references. Not everyone is as ‘lucky’ as I was – when, as a newly Torah-observant, inexperienced teenager, knowing nothing about the dating process in the Torah world – to find a wonderful man from an excellent family. I know several young women in their early twenties, already divorced from unstable men, with severe mental illness. I also know others who went out on uncomfortable meetings with men who had completely different lifestyles and goals from them. All this could have been avoided through the proper checking of references and talking with others who know the person (not necessarily on the list of references given out). 

Parents’ Involvement in Children’s Shidduchim

How involved should parents be when our children are in the marriageable age? In the secular world, as well as some very modern orthodox circles, children are left to stumble in the dark, finding or not finding their marriage partners on their own. In some Yeshivish and Chassidic circles, the parents spend months in cross-examination of references, and in police detective work before allowing their child to meet the prospective match. The meeting is then only with the escort of the parents, who wait in the adjacent room. Between these two extremes, there are many nuances of middle ground, depending on the minhag (custom) of each community. Torah observant, FFB children in their early twenties and especially if younger, need the guidance of their more experienced parents. How can we expect them to find out vital, often hidden information about a suggested date? Young people could rush into unfortunate marriages in their eagerness to join the ranks of their friends, who are already parents. Especially with the accelerating divorce-rate, it is the responsibility of caring parents to apply their greatest effort into supporting their children through the shidduch process. In addition, it is a special time of closeness with our children before they break away to start their own families. Still, everything must be in the right balance.

Soulmates – In Hashem’s Hand 

I don’t believe in going overboard with the hishtadlut of triple checking, or being overprotective, for which Ya’acov was greatly punished. See Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 77:9. Although, “Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing,” let us not forget that, ultimately, finding a person’s preordained soulmate comes directly from the Hand of G-d.

ילקות שמעוני בראשית פרק כח רמז קיז

רבי יודן בשם רבי סימון פתח אלהים מושיב יחידים ביתה מטרונא שאלה לרבי יוסי לכמה ימים ברא הקב"ה את עולמו א"ל לששה דכתיב כי ששת ימים עשה ה' וגו' מאותה שעה ועד עכשיו מהו עוסק אמר לה יושב ומזווג זווגים איש לאשה ואשה לאיש וכו' (ומאריך במדרש רבות קחנו משם) יש שהוא הולך אצל זווגו ויש שזווגו הולך אצלו...

Rabbi Yudan in the name of Rabbi Simon began, “G-d settles the solitary in a house…” (Tehillim 86:7). A matron asked Rabbi Yossi, “In how many days did Hashem create His world?” He answered her, “In six days, as it is written, “In six days G-d made [heaven and earth…]” (Shemot 20:11). “Then from that time and until now, with what does He occupy Himself?” He answered her, “He sits and makes matches, a man for a woman and a woman for a man etc.” Sometimes, he goes to his soulmate [as in the case of Ya’acov] and sometimes his soulmate comes to him [as in the case of Yitzchak... (Yalkut Shimoni 28:117).

Rabbi Frand explains that when it comes to finding a mate – Providence will handle it.

The natural tendency, when working hard to accomplish a certain goal, is to forget that although Hashem wants us to make the effort, our final accomplishment is completely in Hashem’s capable hand. Perhaps matching soulmates is not only קָשֶׁה /kashe׳ – ‘difficult’ for Hashem. Rather the dichotomy between hishtadlut and emunah, which are both necessary in the shidduch process, is equally considered to beקָשֶׁה /kashe׳ – ‘difficult’ for us. Just as it is ‘difficult’ for Hashem, to withhold our preordained soulmate, in order to allow us to become worthy to find him or her through our own efforts, so is it difficult for us to apply the greatest efforts into finding our soulmate, while simultaneously retaining steadfast emunah, that at the end of the day, it is no one but Hashem, that ultimately will send our true soulmate.

Do We Have to Eat Meat on Pesach?

Parashat Bo
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Reducing Animals to Beef Stew and Schnitzel 

Almost every Ba’alei Teshuva (returnee to Judaism) has been vegetarian at one time or another. We are greatly bothered, even abhorred by the way animals are treated and made to suffer by the hands of the meat industry. Stuffing numerous pecking chickens in small cages, without room to flap their wings or breathe fresh air is inhumane, and so is keeping cattle in musty, dim pens without a chance to forage for juicy herbs or wag their tail in the sun. In fact, since 1900, it has been a practice for many dairy producers to cut off – or dock – their cows’ tails to avoid getting hit in the face by a dirty tail with manure. Since the poor and crowded conditions are breeding grounds for various bacteria, the animals receive multiple antibiotic injections as well as growth hormones and other ‘medicine’ that will increase their mass and therefore, their commercial value. Reducing animals to becoming rib steaks, schnitzel, beef stew, pot-roast, milk and egg producers for human consumption, without caring about their living conditions, seems to go against the Torah command which forbids causing unnecessary suffering to animals (tza’ar ba’alei chaim) as explained in Babylonian Talmud Baba Metzia 32b. According to Rabbi Yosef Albo, killing of animals is a cruel and furious act, ingraining these negative traits in the human character; in addition, the meat of certain animals coarsens the heart and deadens its spiritual sensitivity (Sefer ha-Ikkarim –The Book of Principles, Article Three, Chapter 15). What, then, gives humans the merit to take the life of another being? Where is the respect for life and for Hashem’s creations?

The Spiritual Awareness of Animals During Temple Times

When I first landed in Diaspora Yeshiva in the spring of 1980, the vegetarian students were explained that the animals would stretch out their neck to be sacrificed on the altar in the Temple. They desired to be offered up because they knew that it was an elevation for their soul. If this is true, the animals demonstrated an extremely high level of consciousness. Understanding secrets about soul elevation and being willing to sacrifice one’s life for Hashem supersedes the spiritual awareness of most people today. How can we then munch up such spiritual beings for our own gluttonous pleasure? Actually, we cannot, as the Torah does not permit eating meat, unless, we are going to use its energy for Torah: “The unlearned may not eat meat as it states, ‘This is the Torah concerning animals and birds’ (Vayikra 11:46). Whoever is involved in Torah is permitted to eat meat and chicken but whoever is not involved in Torah is prohibited from eating meat and chicken” (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 49b). 

Are We Aware of Who We Eat When Eating Meat?

Living close to nature and having a relationship with animals engenders an awareness of the preciousness of all living beings. Eating the meat of animals that we raised ourselves is a spiritual experience, which many shun. My neighbor kept two male goats who were constantly and unhappily bleating. When she had one of them slaughtered and got the remaining buck a female, his bleating subsided. Yet, my neighbor couldn’t get herself to eat the goat meat of the animal that she had tended and remembered fondly. One of my students, Laura, once told us about her experience taking a 5-year-old child, Sarah, who lived in the city, to the zoo. Sarah oohed and aahed at the colorful chickens there. When Laura explained to Sarah that the main course for their last Friday night dinner was chicken just like these, Sarah wouldn’t believe it. “No no,” she said, “what we had for dinner never ran around and cackled. It was frozen packages that my mother bought in the supermarket.” This estrangement from the realization that of what we are eating is accentuated by the separate words in Hebrew: for a live chicken – תַּרְנְגֹלֶת/tarnegolet and for a ready to cook or cooked chicken – עוֹף /of.  My husband and I raise home scale chickens mainly for eggs. Every year, we have extra roosters who fight and could kill each other if left in the cage together. It is, therefore, a service to the fowl to remove the extra rooster. Since most chicken owners don’t need additional roosters, the natural thing is to have the extra roosters taken care of by our local, ritual slaughterer. I recall the first time when, with great awe, I served our organic rooster for Shabbat. We remembered the rooster with every delicious bite and did our best to channel its energy into Oneg Shabbat (the mitzvah of Shabbat enjoyment) and words of Torah.

Does the Torah Permit Vegetarianism?

Midreshet B'erot Bat Ayin: Holistic Torah for Women on the Land attracts many vegetarian students. These sensitive, caring, spiritual seekers, who endeavor to live in harmony with nature, do not want to infringe upon the animal kingdom. In a Jewish environment, where chicken or meat, prepared one way or another, is typically the centerpiece of the Shabbat, holiday and wedding table, the question arises whether it is desirable or even permitted to be vegetarian according to the Torah. I remember back in my early ba’al teshuva days that we were told that everyone had to eat meat at least once a year on Pesach, as it states in Parashat Bo:

ספר שמות פרק יב  פסוק ח וְאָכְלוּ אֶת הַבָּשָׂר בַּלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה צְלִי אֵשׁ וּמַצּוֹת עַל מְרֹרִים יֹאכְלֻהוּ:

“On this night, they shall eat the flesh, roasted over the fire, and unleavened cakes; with bitter herbs they shall eat it (Shemot 12:8).

Today, without our Holy Temple, we are not permitted to eat broiled or roasted meat or chicken on the Pesach Seder night (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 476:2). This is in order not to appear as though we are eating sanctified meat outside of the Temple. It is the practice to roast a shank bone, the day before Pesach, and place it on the Seder plate, to commemorate the Pesach sacrifice (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 473). Nowadays, people often use a chicken wing or neck. According to Rambam, this roasted meat of the Seder plate may not be eaten on the Seder night itself (Hilchot Chametz u’Matzah 8:11). The actual commandment to eat meat on Pesach pertains specifically to Temple times:

רמב"ם יד החזקה הלכות קרבן פסח פרק ח (א) אכילת בשר הפסח בליל חמשה עשר מצות עשה שנאמר ואכלו את הבשר בלילה הזה צלי אש ומצות על מרורים יאכלוהו: (ג) ואם לא אכל אלא כזית יצא ידי חובתו וכן אכילת בשר פסח שני בלילי חמשה עשר לחדש אייר מצות עשה שנאמר בו על מצות ומרורים יאכלוהו:

Partaking of the meat of the Pesach sacrifice on the night of the fifteenth of Nisan is a positive commandment, as it states: “You shall eat the meat on this night, roasted on the fire. With matzot and bitter herbs shall you eat it…” (Shemot 12:8).  Even if one does not eat more than an olive-size portion, he fulfills his obligation. Similarly, partaking of the second Pesach sacrifice on the fifteenth of the month of Iyar is a positive commandment, as stated: “Eat it with matzot and bitter herbs” (Bamidbar 9:11); (Rambam, Hilchot Korban Pesach 8:1,3). 

Until the Temple is rebuilt, may it be soon, it is not an obligation to eat meat- even on Pesach. Contrary to what I misunderstood, as a new ba’alat teshuva, Jews are not required to eat meat at the Pesach Seder or any other time. “Our Rabbis taught: A man is obligated to make his children and his household rejoice on the holidays… How does a man make them rejoice? … When the Temple was in existence there could be no rejoicing except with meat and wine… But now that the Temple is no longer in existence, there is no rejoicing save with wine…” (Babylonian Talmud Pesachim 109a).

The Beit Yosef expresses surprise that despite this conclusion in Talmud Pesachim Rambam includes the requirement of eating meat for rejoicing in the holiday (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18); (Beit Yosef, Orach Chaim 529). Rabbi Yosef Karo accordingly rules the halacha of rejoicing on the holidays without reference to the obligation to eat meat (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 529:2). Thus, today there is no obligation to eat meat in order to fulfill the mitzvah of simchat Yom Tov (rejoicing on the holidays).

Will Animal Sacrifices be Reinstated?

The question remains, will we be obligated to become carnivores when the Third Temple is rebuilt? (May it be soon!). The answer to this question depends upon whether animal sacrifices will be reinstated during Temple times. If so, then we have a Torah commandment to partake in the Pesach sacrifice (Shemot 12:8). In his commentary on the end of the Shemone Esrei, “Then shall the offering of Yehuda and Jerusalem be pleasant to Hashem as in the days of old and as in the ancient years” (Malachi 3:4), Rav Kook wrote: “In the future, the abundance of knowledge will spread to and penetrate even animals… and the sacrifices, which will then be from grain, will be as pleasing to G-d as in days of old [when there were animal sacrifices]…” (Olat Reiyah, vol. 1 p. 292). This view coincides with Rav Kook’s description of the rarified world at the end of days when the human moral condition will abhor [eating] the flesh of animals, because of the moral loathing inherent in that act. Then you surely will not have the urge to eat meat, and you will not eat it (The Vision of Vegetarianism and Peace 4). Without doubt, Rav Kook held that when the world will reach its final perfection, humanity will return to G-d’s original plan to be herbivorous. Although, in our pre-messianic time, we experience a movement towards the return to the vegetarianism of the first human beings in the Garden, there is a dispute among modern commentaries whether according to Rav Kook animal sacrifices will be reinstated during Third Temple times. Rav Kook’s vision of the ultimate perfected ideal world, with only vegetarian sacrifices, may possibly be referring to a far distant future, following Third Temple times and techiyat hameitim (the resurrection), when the nature of the world will change, and animals will be on a human level. Then, no sacrifices will be brought from these highly conscious beings. At that time, the Torah dealing with korbanot will be interpreted on a mystical inner level (Rabbi Simcha Paltrovitch (d. 1926; Simchat Avot 7-8). So it is still possible that Rav Kook did agree that animal sacrifices would be reinstated during Third Temple times Rabbi Dr. Ari Zivotofsky.

Channeling the Vitality of the Animal into Divine Service

In conclusion, whether we are vegetarian or not, we must ingrain a heightened respect for Hashem’s creatures, and do our very best to avoid eating animals that were raised in cages or crates, without having the ability to stretch their legs. Moreover, let us work on refraining from eating any created being in a gluttonous way. Since eating meat is not necessary for survival, and can cause a more materialistic and coarser nature, let us only eat meat when we will be able to accomplish more with the meat than we would be able to with vegetation. Arizal explains that the sacrifices were a way of elevating the matter and vitality of this world to a higher plane (Arba Meot Shekel Kesef p. 57). Similarly, on a smaller scale, any mitzvah we do elevates some aspect of the material world. Thus, before biting into that scrumptious flesh, let us recognize that the meat on our dinner plate was once a living creature with emotions and consciousness. Let us be mindful that the life of the animal was taken in order that we raise up its sparks through channeling its energy into Divine service.

What Can I Learn from My Personal Plague?

Parashat Vayera
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My Personal Garden Struggle

One of the wars I wage is with the mole crickets in my garden. A mole cricket is one of the ugliest, most disgusting creatures I’ve ever seen. It kind of reminds me of an enlarged, monstrous cockroach. An adult mole cricket is about 3–5 cm (1.2–2.0 in) long, with small eyes and shovel-like fore limbs, highly developed for burrowing. Most mole crickets live in tunnels – that they dig underground – and use to eat the roots of plants. Sometimes, they also somehow manage to eat the tender seedlings above ground. Needless to say, they are the most devastating and aggravating garden pests I’ve ever encountered. I really don’t know why the mole crickets like my garden so much. Their persistence is also unbearable. I’ve suffered from their presence for almost 20 years, in spite of trying everything possible to get rid of them. When my son was in kindergarten, I recruited him and some of his friends to help. They were equipped with rubber boots and two sticks each to catch the mole crickets, and throw them in the buckets I provided. I promised to pay 1 shekel for each mole cricket they caught. In hindsight, that was quite generous!  I had heard that if you pour soap water on the mole crickets’ suspected locations, they will surface from under the ground. That’s exactly what happened, to the boys’ great glee! They earned many a shekel and the chickens got fed good protein that day. Too bad, that was not the end of them. Also, in my eagerness to rid myself of the detested pests, I forgot to think about the effect of the immense amount of soap water on the soil. 

Giving Up or Trying to Grow?

Over the years, we have dug up tons of soil and replaced it with balanced garden mix. We have destroyed mole-cricket tunnels and caught dozens of them.  We have starved them during shemitah (sabbatical) year. I have cried and prayed in my garden for them to disappear. One year, I even succumbed to applying regular non-organic poison, but the mole-crickets are still here. The week that I finally gave up and decided to extend my small patch of synthetic grass to cover the vegetable garden, the gardener, finally delivered the sand and peat-moss which I had ordered two years previously, to make my garden less attractive to mole crickets. The encouraging gardener insisted that keeping my vegetable garden was an important mitzvah to settle the land. So, my gardening struggle was still not over. With all of its problems, my vegetable garden served as a teaching garden for children in the Yishuv and B’erot students alike, who were also earning a small salary for their work in my garden. Despite the mole crickets, and the death of countless plants as a result thereof, we somehow managed to grow a little celery, Swiss chard, beet leaves, arugula and some unknown Chinese mustardy greens. Still, we were a far cry from growing numerous, healthy, lush garden greens. So I was thinking, what is the lesson Hashem is sending me through this mole cricket plague? How can I learn and grow from my struggle with the garden pest?

The Ten Plagues Embody Lessons for the Jews

My personal garden struggle certainly feels like a plague. Perhaps by learning about the Ten Plagues, I may gain insights to help me deal with my personal plague. The plagues in Egypt stand as the centerpiece of Parashat Vaera. In contrast to the traditional understanding, that the plagues were primarily a punishment for the wicked Egyptians who enslaved and afflicted the Jewish people, Rabbi Eliezer ben David explains that the main purpose of the plagues was to teach the assimilated Israelites vital lessons. “All the miracles done on behalf of the Jews were brought by G-d to awaken them to the peril of their moral condition and to illuminate the decadence and ugliness of the Egyptian way of life. Thus, each plague accentuated a different aspect of Egyptian depravity” (Out of the Iron Furnace p. 36). Through the lessons of the Ten Plagues, the Israelites rose from the 49^th gate of impurity to the 49 Gates of Understanding, while simultaneously atoning for the wrongdoings of prior generations. In this way, the Ten Plagues are guides for how to avoid the pitfalls of history. Each plague held its own lesson to the Israelites. For example, the first one, the Plague of Blood is called “wonders” (Devarim 26:8), as it states וּבְמוֹפְתִים זֶה הַדָּם/uv’moftim zeh hadam – “with ‘wonders’ this refers to the [plague of] blood (Hagaddah of Pesach). The Plague of Blood is a greater wonder than the rest of the plagues, not only because it is the first, but because it is completely beyond nature; whereas, the rest of the plagues reflect an extended natural phenomenon. On a smaller scale, frogs, vermin or locusts etc. do sometimes infringe upon humans. However, water never turn into blood, even on a smaller scale. Thus, the first plague, “Blood,” established Hashem’s transcendence over nature. The Plague of Blood which was beyond nature came to atone for worshipping nature or science which can be traced all the way back to the sin of the Generation of the Tower, who misused their great knowledge and tried to compete with G-d.

Gaining Life lessons Through Personal Plagues

I’ve been meditating and thinking about what I can learn from my personal plague of mole crickets. I have always been an organizer. I guess I have it in my blood from generations of Yekkim (German Jews) on the side of my mother’s mother. While “cleanliness is a way to godliness,” keeping everything neat in its’ particular place and file is also a way of feeling in control. The first lesson of my garden struggle is that I’m totally out of control. It’s an important lesson and a constant reminder that everything – really everything – is in G-d’s hand, even when it seems that our choice and actions can change reality. When we experience how we can have an effect on others and on our environment, we mustn’t forget that our only power is because Hashem empowers us. The fact that mole crickets live under the ground may be coming to teach me to check into what’s going on down deep in the recesses of my psyche, in those places where repressed emotions may reside. Perhaps being busy saving the world, could be an escape from digging deep into the tunnels of our soul. Finally, the fact that mole crickets kill plants by eating their roots, reminds me of the importance of my roots. No matter how ‘new – agey’ we become, by embracing cutting edge spirituality and connecting it to Kabbalistic concepts, being rooted in traditional mainstream Judaism and tracing ourselves back to Torah from Sinai must always take precedence. In conclusion, who says we have to win every struggle? Can I learn to accept that, whether I finally prevail over the mole crickets or not is completely up to Hashem? If He decides that they belong in my garden, then, that too, is for the good. Even if our crop may be diminished, gaining life lessons through our personal plagues and struggles is the greatest growing process.