Parashat Pinchas: What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

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Parashat Pinchas

What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

How Do We Make a Will of Inheritance Fair to All Our Children?
Lately, during these insecure times, I’ve talked with my husband about making a will. We hope and plan to live until 120! But you never know. Making a clear and fair will of inheritance is important to prevent disputes and ill feelings among our children. Since we only have two sons, it seems like sharing in half whatever we leave behind (until 120!) should be an easy task. I wish! Without getting into the intricate laws of the firstborn son, things are still complicated for us, since our main asset is our home in the prime land of Bat Ayin, Gush Etzion. As our greatest prayer and will is that our descendants will live in our house and pick the fruits of the trees we have planted on the land, our halachic and legal will must favor the one who will live on our land. We would love to see our grandchildren and great-grands swing in the swings we built and add new ones too. How to find a way to apportion such preference in our will is complication #1. Complication #2. is that it’s not simple to divide our homestead into two portions in a way that will be fair to both of our sons. Currently, on our plot, our house is much more valuable than both of our two small downstairs apartments located partially on the basement level. When we first obtained our plot, nothing was growing on it except dry thorn bushes. We worked hard to remove the weeds, plant trees, and add compost and good soil, to transform our plot into a magical bird resort. Although we struggle to upkeep our land, we would hate to see it revert back into brambles and thorns. Our greatest desire and yearning are for our descendants to treasure the land, here in Eretz Yisrael, and show appreciation and care for it. Our plot has a natural land division with a small garden in front of our home and a more than double as large garden behind it. It would make more sense to grant the larger piece of land as an inheritance to the descendent most suitable to take care of it. Complication #3 is all the variables and uncertainties in our lives and that of our children. Since no one can predict the length of their lives, our grandchildren may be the ones to take over our homestead when the time comes. As our younger son is newly married, we don’t even know who that will be.

The Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach the Laws of Inheritance
The source of the mitzvah to leave our earthly possessions as an inheritance to our children is found in Parashat Pinchas. I find it interesting that although according to the Torah, the son takes precedence over the daughter regarding inheritance, we specifically learn about the mitzvah of leaving our possessions to our children from the daughters of Tzelafchad:

במדבר פרק כז פסוק א, ד-ז

וַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה …לָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ: וַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר: כֵּן בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד דֹּבְרֹת נָתֹן תִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲחֻזַּת נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אֲבִיהֶם וְהַעֲבַרְתָּ אֶת נַחֲלַת אֲבִיהֶן לָהֶן:

“The daughters of Tzelafchad, the son of Chefer, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Menashe, of the families of Menashe, the son of Yosef came forward. His daughters’ names were Machlah, Noah, Hogla, Milkah, and Tirtzah. Why should our father’s name be eliminated from his family, because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father’s brothers.’ So, Moshe brought their case before Hashem. Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, ‘The daughters of Tzelafchad speak properly. You shall certainly give them a portion of inheritance along wither their father’s brothers, and you shall transfer their father’s inheritance to them’” (Bamidbar 27:1-7).

The Yearning for the Land Awakening Among Women
In our time and age, there is an intensified awareness, especially among women of the inherent holiness of our Land. Despite our current difficulties, many among our people are willing to risk their lives to defend Eretz Yisrael. Our attachment to the Land of Israel is constantly being strengthened as we with mesirut nefesh (self-sacrifice) expand our yishuvim and build new communities. From where do we get this strength to stand up for the Land despite the dangers it entails? From which source do we draw our inherent attachment to this land?  “The deeds of the fathers are signs for their children” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 70:6; Ramban, Bereishit 12:10). I believe that this saying can also be understood in the feminine: “the deeds of the mothers are signs for their daughters!” We are only an extension of the souls who preceded us. The spiritual rectifications enacted by our ancestors have paved the way for our continued efforts in those same areas and have become part of our spiritual genetics. Among the role models who have affected our inherent attachment to the Land of Israel are the daughters of Tzelafchad. In a time when the general sentiment was remiss regarding the love of the Land of Israel, the five sisters stood up in their dedicated quest for a portion of the Land. They yearned to be part of revealing the Shechinah through redeeming Eretz Yisrael. Let us draw increased strength in our holy endeavor to reclaim our Holy Land. 

Contrasting the Men’s Depreciation and the Women’s Appreciation for the Land
The Midrash and commentaries contrast the desire of the women for the land of Israel with the men’s lack of emunah: “The daughters of Tzelafcḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach. “The daughters of Tzelofḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach, as you find that Aharon said to them: “Remove the gold rings that are in the ears of your wives” (Shemot 32:2). But the women were not willing, and they reprimanded their husbands, as it is stated: “All the people removed the gold rings [which were in their ears]…” (Shemot 32:3), but the women did not participate with them in the act of the calf. Likewise with the spies who disseminated slander: “They returned and caused the entire congregation to complain against him, [to disseminate slander about the land]” (Bamidbar 14:36). The decree was determined against them because they said, “We cannot ascend.” (Bamidbar 13:31). However, the women did not participate in their complaint, as stated above, “…They shall surely die in the desert and no man was left of them except Kalev the son of Yefune and Yehoshua the son of Nun.” (Bamidbar 26:65). It states, “man” and not ‘woman,’ because the men didn’t want to enter the land, but the approached to seek an inheritance in the land. Therefore, this section is juxtaposed to the death of the generation of the wilderness, where the men breached and the women repaired (Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 21:10). The Kli Yakar goes as far as to say that Hashem would have preferred to send women to spy the land since they love it and ask for possession of the land (Bamidbar 27:4), whereas the men despised the land and asked to return to Egypt (Ibid.14:4). Therefore, Hashem told Moshe לְךָ /shelach lecha – “Send men for you” – according to your own opinion. However, in My opinion, it would have been better to send women (Kli Yakar, Bamidbar 13:12). Perhaps because of the women’s love of and appreciation for the Land of Israel, we learn all laws of inheritance from women. Following the daughters of Tzelafchad’s request for an inheritance in the land Hashem reveals to Moshe all the additional halachot of inheritance:

ספר במדבר פרק כז פסוק ח וְאֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל תְּדַבֵּר לֵאמֹר אִישׁ כִּי יָמוּת וּבֵן אֵין לוֹ וְהַעֲבַרְתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְבִתּוֹ: (ט) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ בַּת וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְאֶחָיו: (י) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ אַחִים וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לַאֲחֵי אָבִיו: (יא) וְאִם אֵין אַחִים לְאָבִיו וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לִשְׁאֵרוֹ הַקָּרֹב אֵלָיו מִמִּשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ וְיָרַשׁ אֹתָהּ וְהָיְתָה לִבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לְחֻקַּת מִשְׁפָּט כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה הָשֵׁם אֶת משֶׁה:

“Speak to the children of Israel saying: If a man dies and has no son, you shall transfer his inheritance to his daughter. If he has no daughter, you shall give over his inheritance to his brothers. If he has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to his father's brothers. If his father has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to the kinsman closest to him in his family, who shall inherit it. This shall remain for the children of Yisrael as a permanent statute like Hashem commanded Moshe!” 

(Bamidbar 27:8-11).

The Divine Laws of Inheritance Imbue us With Gratitude to Hashem and our Relatives
I found the explanation of the famous medieval Sefer Hachinuch (a widely respected codification of all the 613 mitzvot organized by the Torah portion in which each mitzvah is found) of the mitzvah of inheritance particularly moving because it explains how the laws of inheritance show gratitude to Hashem who grants us our possessions, as well as an appreciation for our relatives who assisted us in gaining the skills that helped us earn our prosperity. It helped me tap into my overwhelming gratitude for everything Hashem has granted us, especially for our portion in the holy land! The Sefer HaChinuch writes extensively on the laws regarding inheritance in the 400th mitzvah of the Torah: “Among the root of the mitzvah a person should reflect that the world is in the hand of the Master that oversees all of His creatures, and it is in His desire and His goodly will, that each and every person acquires the portion of possessions that he attains in this world. And His gift is blessed, that it stays forever with the one He gave it to, were it not that it was decreed that every person would die due to our sins. Yet the removal of a person’s body is not a reason to end the blessed gift of G-d. Rather, this present should extend [to] the body that emanates from him, i.e. his son or his daughter. But if he passes away with no children, it is proper for the blessing of G-d to return to his closest relative; as this blessing that he acquired was due to his forefathers’ merit. Or perhaps together with his close relatives, he learned the skills with which he acquired this wealth taught him some skill with which he acquired his possessions. It is therefore fitting when a person leaves the world that his relatives who helped him through his life should receive his possessions.”

Making A Will Aligned with the Will of the Divine
Whereas a person has the full right to decide the allocation of his possessions while alive in this world, after his passing, the possessions return to Hashem who grants them to his closest relatives according to the laws of the Torah. If a father makes a will in which his son will not inherit him, it has no legal validity, as he has no powers to uproot Hashem’s decree that an inheritor receives the inheritance. Even though a person’s belongings are given over to him for all his wishes, and he can give them as a present to whoever he wants, and he may even destroy them, nevertheless he may not change the laws of inheritance after his death, as this thing is against the will of Hashem. These laws regarding inheritance stirred up in me the gratitude for the trust with which Hashem allowed us to be guardians of His most cherished asset – the Land that is considered Hashem’s beloved daughter.  I’m facing the prospect of making our halachic and legal will with even more reverence and awe! I hope and pray that we will be able to align our will with the Will of the Divine!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Pinchas –

Some Tips for Making a Halachich Will

Many people believe a will or testament is only for people with large estates. Or they put off writing their will until some undetermined future day when they believe it will become appropriate to think about such matters. Without a will, families may be split apart as the heirs argue incessantly over the inheritance. Even within the halachic community, governed by the Torah’s clear laws of inheritance (Bamidbar 27:7-11), families are sometimes torn asunder by disputes, large and small financially, yet heated and protracted emotionally. In the interests of peace within a family, we must arrange to divide our assets fairly among the children. However, according to most authorities, a typical last will and testament is halachically ineffective. One cannot bequeath property posthumously (Pitchei Choshen 9:134). Yet, a will that calls for the Torah’s exclusion of daughters could lead to hatred and a split in the family (Gesher Hachaim p.42). Today, bequeathing equal shares to all children is the most likely way to avoid these terrible results, and there are halachich ways to write a will to that purpose. At first glance, writing a will may feel less like a spiritual experience and more like a thankless chore governed by necessity. Second thought, though, reveals otherwise. Writing a will that adheres to Jewish law is a powerful reminder that where you are, what you have, and what you accomplish can (literally) give you and posterity the future. Spelling out your wishes is also the greatest gift you can give to your loved ones: it allows them the comfort of knowing that they are fulfilling your requests even after separation. 

• Make a Commitment to Writing your Will – and ask your rabbi how to ensure it is in accordance with halacha, given your specific circumstances.
  
  
•  According to Jewish Tradition, Legacy Planning is not Associated with Death – but rather with an extended lease on life: Our sages teach us that making arrangements for one’s inevitable demise unlocks the blessing of longevity. Why? Perhaps because thinking about – and preparing for – the moment of departure from this world helps us re-orient and refocus ourselves. 
  
  
•  From the Torah Perspective Life is not an Aimless Path – rather, it is a journey and mission imbued with direction, meaning, and purpose. Contemplating the moment when life ceases in this world reminds us that living is all about giving; giving, in turn, helps us connect with the boundless benevolence of G-d – the life force of existence.
  
  
•  Learn About the Halachic Ways of Distributing an Estate Equally to all Your children – it is no modern invention. The Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserless) of the mid-16th century, wrote about the custom of giving daughters a portion of an estate through a halachically sanctioned document called a shtar chatzi zachar. (The Rama Even HaEzer 113:2 and Choshen Mishpat 281:7). 
  
  
•  Review Your Will Regularly – especially after significant life events (e.g., marriage, divorce, births, deaths, or changes in financial circumstances), and make any necessary updates to ensure it remains valid and reflects your current wishes.

Parashat Balak: Are Entitlement Expectations in Relationships a Trait Inherited from Bilam?

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Parashat Balak

Are Entitlement Expectations in Relationships a Trait Inherited from Bilam?

How Does Letting Go of Expectations Help Keep Us Content?
Our unrealistic expectations cause frustration and disappointment. We make our lives miserable with any expectations we have of people, situations, and what we feel entitled to receive. With this kind of attitude, we can G-d forbid easily become addicted to material goods and expressions of appreciation. If I expect a sweet thank you phone call in return for spending time selecting a special birthday gift for my granddaughter, I could get upset if she only writes me a short thank you message. So, I have learned, that to keep myself happy I must stop expecting anything. If I didn’t expect any expression of gratitude, I would be so grateful for a short thank you message even without any emoji. Over the years in my interactions with my students, I have noticed the difference between those who make demands and those who make humble requests, whether for getting their doorknob fixed, receiving more respect from fellow students, changing their tutor or study partner, or for a change in B’erot lunch menu. Beneath the demands are the disappointed expectations of a self-important person who feels entitled to be treated like a princess. Yet the exact same wants can be expressed completely differently when they derive from the humility of accepting that it may not work out to fill all their needs at a given time. “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” isn’t limited to its superficial meaning that you can win people to your side more easily by gentle persuasion than by hostile confrontation. In my experience, I’m naturally much more prone to extend myself to do everything in my power to fulfill a humble request rather than an entitled demand. Whereas I’m repelled when people relate to me as a servant created to fulfill their needs, I will even anticipate, serve, and accommodate the unexpressed needs of others. Being the director of a midrasha with students from the four corners of the world, I have learned to appreciate the differences between some of those who emerge from the Western culture influenced by the greedy Esav always wanting more, and students from the East especially from India, who come from a very humble and respectful culture. Yet we Jews returning to Israel – to our ancestors’ spiritual heritage – are learning to return to the character traits of a good eye, humility, and modest desires that Avraham our Father possessed. 

What is the Difference between Spirituality and Holiness?
I often speak about the difference between spirituality and holiness. Whereas a person can be very spiritual but rotten to the core, holiness is G-dliness, and can only emerge from the light of a person with a refined character. Although Bilam was known as a uniquely spiritual person highly attuned to G-d’s will, his spirituality was drawn from the depths of tumah (impurity). In contrast, the spiritual greatness of Moshe and Avraham was enveloped in the highest realms of kedusha – sanctity. Holiness is ohr – the pure refraction of Hashem’s light that requires a suitable vessel – a receptacle of sterling character traits that match the light it needs to contain. Spirituality is at great risk of falling to a place of tumah and darkness without such a vessel to hold the light. Bilam is the perfect example of a spiritual person lacking holiness. Whereas Avraham was generous, humble, and modest, Bilam was self-centered, arrogant, and driven by money and all it could buy.

פרקי אבות פרק ה פסוק יט כָּל מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ בְּיָדוֹ שְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים הַלָּלוּ, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ. וּשְׁלשָׁה דְבָרִים אֲחֵרִים, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל בִּלְעָם הָרָשָׁע. עַיִן טוֹבָה, וְרוּחַ נְמוּכָה, וְנֶפֶשׁ שְׁפָלָה, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ. עַיִן רָעָה, וְרוּחַ גְּבוֹהָה, וְנֶפֶשׁ רְחָבָה, מִתַּלְמִידָיו שֶׁל בִּלְעָם הָרָשָׁע:

Whoever possesses these three things, he is of the disciples of Avraham, our father; and [whoever possesses] three other things, he is of the disciples of Bilam, the wicked. A good eye, a humble spirit, and modest desires are the traits of the disciples of Avraham, our father. An evil eye, a haughty spirit, and unbridled desires are the traits of the disciples of the wicked Bilam (Pirkei Avot 5:19).

How Do the Rabbis Learn of Bilam’s Trifold Negative Character Traits?
Firstly, Bilam’s mission – for which he was hired – was to curse the Jewish people, by casting an evil eye upon them. He was suitable for this job since he was an expert at bringing attention to the negative points of others. Being a master of the evil eye, his magic was to highlight the dark points of others, thus claiming that they didn’t deserve their blessings. Bilam also displayed his money greed – to which he felt entitled – by demanding a greater salary for his shady job:

ספר במדבר פרק כב פסוק יח וַיַּעַן בִּלְעָם וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל עַבְדֵי בָלָק אִם יִתֶּן לִי בָלָק מְלֹא בֵיתוֹ כֶּסֶף וְזָהָב לֹא אוּכַל לַעֲבֹר אֶת פִּי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהָי לַעֲשׂוֹת קְטַנָּה אוֹ גְדוֹלָה:

“Bilam answered and said to Balak’s servants, ‘Even if Balak gives me a house full of silver and gold, I cannot do anything small or great that would transgress the word of Hashem, my G-d’” (Bamidbar 22:18).

Rashi explains that by mentioning A HOUSE FULL OF SILVER AND GOLD - Bilam exposed how he was greedy and coveted other people’s money. He said, “He ought to give me all his silver and gold, since he has to hire many armies, and even then, it is questionable whether he will be victorious or not, whereas I will certainly succeed.” [Midrash Tanchuma Balak; Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 20:10]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 22:18). Moreover, Bilam wasn’t embarrassed to display his arrogance and honor-seeking when he twisted the reason why Hashem told him not to go with Balak’s entourage to curse Israel:

ספר במדבר פרק כב פסוק יב וַיֹּאמֶר אֱלֹהִים אֶל בִּלְעָם לֹא תֵלֵךְ עִמָּהֶם לֹא תָאר אֶת הָעָם כִּי בָרוּךְ הוּא: (יג) וַיָּקָם בִּלְעָם בַּבֹּקֶר וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל שָׂרֵי בָלָק לְכוּ אֶל אַרְצְכֶם כִּי מֵאֵן הָשֵׁם לְתִתִּי לַהֲלֹךְ עִמָּכֶם:

“G-d said to Bilam, ‘You shall not go with them! You shall not curse the people because they are blessed.’ When Bilam arose in the morning, he said to Balak’s nobles, ‘Return to your country, for Hashem has refused to let me go with you’” (Bamidbar 22:12-13).

Although Hashem very clearly tells him not to go with the Moabite officers to curse the Jews because the Jewish nation is blessed, Bilam reports this to the Moabite officers: “Hashem has refused to let me go with you.” Inferring that he will only be permitted to go with greater nobles. This shows us that he was conceited and unwilling to reveal that he was under the control of the Omnipresent except in an arrogant manner. Therefore, Balak had to sent… again…” (verse 15) - [Mid. Tanchuma Balak 6, Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 20:10], (Rashi, Bamidbar 22:13). Entitlement is always toxic. It comes with arrogance, pride, and selfishness. Entitlement is operating under the delusion that you deserve something you have not yet earned.

All the Lonely People Where Do They All Come From?
I sometimes come across people who twist what others tell them in a way that sadly hurts themselves. My heart goes out to “all the lonely people…” although I may have a cue to answer, “…Where do they all come from?” They come from a place of misery that makes them feel entitled to their neediness. In their demand to belong, they feel abandoned, excluded, and ousted. I know such a lonely woman with a heart of gold, whose intense desire to belong causes her the most painful rejections. Since she is going through such horrific hardships without adequate support, when someone reaches out to her and offers her a little loving companionship, she will hang on to it for dear life. This attitude of entitlement to belong sets a vicious circle in motion where the one who initially reached out must set proper boundaries so that the relationship will not become imbalanced by the intensity of her need to belong, which greatly exceeds the ability of others to include her. The feeling of entitlement causes the lonely person to view the one who sets boundaries as mean, insensitive, and hurtful. Yes, I have been blamed for such traits, and even worse, when I invited a certain lonely woman to join my midrasha for a Shabbatton. When she insisted on coming again the following Shabbat and possibly every Shabbat, to hang out with the students, I had to set clear boundaries to ensure she wouldn’t overstay her welcome. I offered her to stay once a month in the company of the B’erot community where she feels she belongs. Had she only accepted my very best offer to be a monthly, beloved guest, she could have gained the companionship she so much craves. But no, due to her complicated family situation and her need for others to take on that role, she insisted that by limiting the times when she could join my midrasha, I was betraying her, sinning against her, hurting and breaking her. Sadly, she now shoots herself in the foot, refusing to wear any label and outfit upon which is written ‘monthly guest!’” which according to her “I think she should wear!” So my heart is crying for that lonely soul who can be so kind and loving at times, but who causes herself to remain in her loneliness through her grand expectations of others, which prevents her from receiving the finger as long as she cannot get the whole hand. I will continue to pray for this lonely unsupported woman who is going through so much hardship, what else can I do?

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Chukat –

Some Tips for Letting Go of Expectations

It may be natural to expect our loved ones to support us during tough times. Unfortunately, in life, our expectations are constantly disappointed. Inevitably, our friends let us down, and when our expectations are not met, we are left feeling disappointed, hurt, angry, and resentful. Even though I empathize with the pain of being disappointed, I also reflect how often we end up just hurting ourselves, when we put high expectations on others. I have realized that lowering your expectations is the key to healthy and happy relationships. Often expectations can turn into entitlement. We feel entitled to be treated in certain ways, and when we aren’t, it can be confronting and disappointing. A common ‘entitlement’ expectation is in the way people communicate. For example, people who are reliable communicators will often become frustrated with others who are unclear, unreliable communicators. We may assume expectations of friends based on our values, not theirs. I was assuming that my friend also believed that you don’t ignore the messages of someone you care about. Thus, resenting her for ‘ignoring’ me was actually coming from a place of entitlement.

•        Prioritize Appreciation Over Expectations – Learn to trade expectations for appreciation, and your entire relationship – and life – will change. Instead of focusing on the negative, make a point to value what others can offer you. This will take you much further in your relationship. If you pay attention, there’s always something to appreciate. Appreciate your invitations to monthly dinner parties even if you would have preferred to be invited to weekly feasts. Appreciation can help put an end to your unhealthy expectations in a relationship.

•     Demonstrate Consideration – Healthy relationships hinge on consideration for others, their interests, and their relationship expectations. To show consideration, you must make a point to value your relationship over your relationship expectations. This is a real challenge since it’s easy to view your expectations or ‘rules’ as the basis of your relationship. When you value your partner over your rules, this paves the way for fulfilling both people’s expectations.

  ·       Be Grateful for the Good Points – Gratitude is our major defense against the wrath of entitlement that screams at others, and all they do, “It is simply NOT ENOUGH!” Yet, gratitude will help fill you with hope and belief in your friend, sister, daughter, or spouse.

  ·   Avoid Repetition – If you are in an argumentative pattern in your relationship, change your approach. If you don’t, you risk creating a circular loop where neither party is heard, leaving both feeling defeated. Take the high road and bow out of an argument. Take a break to regroup and consider what you’re really arguing about. When you make this a habit, you set a high standard for what to expect in a relationship.

  ·      Never Question the Nature of Your Relationship – When it comes to learning how to manage expectations in a relationship, one of the worst missteps you can make is questioning the intent of others. When you question the very nature of your relationship, it breaks down trust, which takes a toll on even the strongest connection. Just because you’re having issues doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem.

  ·     Never Threaten Your Relationship – One of the primary expectations in a relationship is that there will be give and take and mutual dialogue. Threatening your relationship with ultimatums doesn’t accomplish anything, since it shuts down communication. If you’re at the point of threatening the other person, it’s time to take a break and rethink the conversation.

Parashat Chukat: A Tribute to Miriam – The Provider of the Eternal Well of Emunah

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Parashat Chukat
A Tribute to Miriam – The Provider of the Eternal Well of Emunah 

Why do We Appreciate Something or Someone So Much More When They are Gone?
“You only appreciate something when you lose it” seems to be a universal principle. How many times has it happened that you held on to an item – be it a garment or a cooking utensil or whatnot – although you hadn’t needed it for years? Then after you finally gave or threw the item away, the very next day you urgently need it!  Unfortunately, we also often truly appreciate people after they are gone. Many great authors like H.C. Andersen, only received their due credit posthumously.  I realize how much I often appreciate the contribution of certain students especially after they have left. For example, we have a wonderful, modest student who went abroad to visit her family for an extended time. As soon as she was gone, the cleanliness of the midrasha kitchen and Beit Midrash fell apart. None of us had realized how hard this student worked to take out the compost and garbage, sweep, mop, clean up the stray mugs from the classroom, do the dishes, organize the books, and more. She did her work quietly without taking any personal credit. When our youngest son took a while to get married, it seemed a bit of a nuisance to keep providing him with room and board for so many years. Only after he got married and left us empty nesters, did we truly appreciate all his many contributions, and we still miss his daily presence dearly. I especially recall working at my desk and hearing my son’s singsong of his Torah learning from his adjacent room. Pesach preparations this year were also overwhelming without his help, and with no one to clean ‘his own room.’ At this moment, I’m praying for the return of the internet or to be able to complete my blog without the internet. I’m counting the hours that Netfiber has been down which so far amounts to 15, it seems that there is only one thing more vital for survival than the internet, which we may all take for granted until it runs out, as we have experienced in our neighborhood at the most inconvenient occasions. Yes, you guessed it, when the water pipes have broken down we all cry out “Water, water!”

Miriam Perpetually Answers the Cry for Water
This cry – although less severe – echoes the cry of our forefathers in the wilderness, after Miriam’s burial:

במדבר פרק כ:א-ב וַיָּבֹאוּ בְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כָּל הָעֵדָה מִדְבַּר צִן בַּחֹדֶשׁ הָרִאשׁוֹן וַיֵּשֶׁב הָעָם בְּקָדֵשׁ. וַתָּמָת שָׁם מִרְיָם וַתִּקָּבֵר שָׁם: ב) וְלֹא הָיָה מַיִם לָעֵדָה. וַיִּקָּהֲלוּ עַל משֶׁה וְעַל אַהֲרֹן: ג) וַיָּרֶב הָעָם עִם משֶׁה וַיֹּאמְרוּ לֵאמֹר וְלוּ גָוַעְנוּ בִּגְוַע אַחֵינוּ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: (ד) וְלָמָה הֲבֵאתֶם אֶת קְהַל הָשֵׁם אֶל הַמִּדְבָּר הַזֶּה לָמוּת שָׁם אֲנַחְנוּ וּבְעִירֵנוּ: 

“Then the children of Israel, with the whole congregation, to the desert of Tzin, on the first of the month: and the people dwelled in Kadesh.” Miriam died there and was buried there, and there was no water for the congregation. They then assembled against Moshe and Aharon. The people quarreled with Moshe saying, ‘If only we had perished when our brothers perished before Hashem.’  Why have you brought Hashem’s congregation into this wilderness for us and our animals to die there?” (Bamidbar 20:1-2).

The Talmud asks why the lack of water is mentioned immediately after Miriam’s death. Rabbi Yossi answers that of the three miraculous gifts in the wilderness, the well was in the merit of Miriam. When Miriam died, the well subsided, as it is written: “Miriam died there.” This is followed by, “Then there was no water for the congregation” (Babylonian Talmud Ta’anit 9a). This is to teach us, that during the entire forty years, the Jewish people were blessed with the well of water in Miriam’s merit (Rashi, Bamidbar 20:2). Only after Miriam’s passing was it discovered that the well was in her merit. For more than 38 years, the Well of Miriam accompanied the Israelites’ desert wandering, without Miriam ever receiving the slightest credit, or gratitude for it from any of the Israelites. The water that the people had enjoyed all these years was due to the merit of Miriam who had stood by watching what would happen to her infant brother when he was in a basket in the reeds at the edge of the river (Shemot 2:4). G-d rewarded her for that act of kindness by making her the water provider for Moshe’s people. The people didn’t appreciate this until the well ceased with Miriam’s death (Rabbeinu Bachaya, Bamidbar 20:2).

The Concealed Well of Miriam

The first time we hear about Miriam’s Well is in Refidim, when Hashem tells Moshe to hit a certain rock that would spring forth water. That was the well of Miriam (Shemot 17:1-7). “This rock at Refidim was the same rock we encountered almost 40 years later at Kadesh. This was also the source of the well of Miriam which traveled with the Israelites through the desert during all those years” (Rabbeunu Bachaya, Shemot 17:6). On the surface it seemed that Moshe brought the well as he was the one who hit the rock that gushed forth water. No one had any idea that the well was in the merit of Miriam until she died. We also don’t hear a word of Miriam taking credit for the well. She modestly concealed her greatness, allowing her brothers to stand in the limelight. With a soft motherly caress, she sweetened Israelites’ bitterness and provided sweet waters.

Sweetening the Bitterness of Doubt with Waters of Emunah
The thirst for water caused Israel to doubt Hashem: “Is Hashem among us or not?” (Shemot 17:7). The consequence of this heresy appears in the following Torah verse: “Amalek came and fought with Israel in Refidim” (Shemot 17:8). Amalek is the exterior reflection of the piercing doubt in their heart, as the gematria of עֲמָלֵק/Amalek = סָפֵק/safek – ‘doubt.’ The inner conquest over doubting Hashem happened when the people drank from Miriam’s well: …Before they drank from the well, what did they say? “Is Hashem among us or not?” (Shemot 17:7). After they drank, they said, “All that Hashem spoke we will do and we will hear” (Shemot 24:7); (Midrash (Shocher Tov), Tehillim 5). מִרְיָם /Miriam strengthened the people against doubt and Amalek as the gematria of both the first part of her name and Amalek is מר/mar – ‘bitter.’ Miriam’s well not only satiated the Israelites’ thirst but moreover, provided them with the spiritual nutrients of emunah, which sweetened their spiritual bitterness. After Egypt had imbittered their lives for so long, the Israelites needed Miriam to soothe their pain. Sweetening and soothing the pain is exactly the job of Puah to soothe the crying babies. Puah: This was Miriam, [called Puah] because she cried (פּוֹעָה/poah), talked and cooed to the newborn infant in the manner of women who soothe a crying infant (Rashi, Shemot 1:15). Miriam was the spiritual midwife who appeased and soothed the people newborn from the womb of Egypt.

Where is Miriam’s Well Today?
Parashat Chukat teaches us that Miriam’s well provides faithful nourishment even to this day.

ספר במדבר פרק כא פסוק יח בְּאֵר חֲפָרוּהָ שָׂרִים כָּרוּהָ נְדִיבֵי הָעָם בִּמְחֹקֵק בְּמִשְׁעֲנֹתָם וּמִמִּדְבָּר מַתָּנָה: (יט) וּמִמַּתָּנָה נַחֲלִיאֵל וּמִנַּחֲלִיאֵל בָּמוֹת: (כ) וּמִבָּמוֹת הַגַּיְא אֲשֶׁר בִּשְׂדֵה מוֹאָב רֹאשׁ הַפִּסְגָּה וְנִשְׁקָפָה עַל פְּנֵי הַיְשִׁימֹן:

“A well dug by princes, carved out by nobles of the people, through the lawgiver with their staffs, and from the desert, a gift. From the gift to the streams, and from the streams to the heights. From the heights to the valley in the field of Moav, at the top of the peak, that overlooks הַיְשִׁימֹן/hayeshimon – ‘the wastelands’” (Bamidbar 21:18-20).

Although Miriam’s name is not mentioned, our sages explain that the well described here is the well of Miriam. Just as she didn’t receive credit for the well while being alive, so did the Israelites praise Hashem for the well, without mentioning her name. Rather they attributed the well to the princes referring to Moshe and Aharon (Rashi, Bamidbar 12:18 based on the Midrash). Describing the healing properties of Miriam’s well, the following midrash also confirms that the well dug by the princes indeed is the Well of Miriam. It happened that someone who suffered from boils went down to immerse himself in the waters of Tiberias. It was a favorable time, and he saw Miriam’s well, washed in it, and was healed. Where is the well of Miriam? Rabbi Chia bar Abba said, it states, “Look down on the face of Yeshimon” (Bamidbar 21:20). Whoever ascends the mountain of Yeshimon and sees something like a small sieve in the lake of Tiberias, this is the well of Miriam… (Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 22:4). Even in our day and age, “some have a tradition to draw water Motzei Shabbat because Miriam’s well supplies all the wells each Saturday night, and one who does so and drinks will be cured of illness” (Kol Bo, Orach Chaim, 299:10). Miriam’s well is said to feed the waters of Israel’s most important water reserve nowadays, the Kinneret (Sea of Galilee), while hidden in its depths. Rabbi Chiya said, Miriam’s well is a type of sieve located in the Mediterranean Sea. Rav said, Miriam’s well is mobile and pure (Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 35a).

Keeping the Spirit of Israel Alive Through Maintaining Miriam’s Well

The fact that Miriam’s well is mobile and changes location teaches us that Miriam’s power enlightens everywhere. Miriam is herself the well that gives water. She strengthens “those who sow with tears,” in bitterness to “reap in ringing song.” Believing in the Master of the Universe and continuing to sow – is the power of Miriam (Rav Nir Minussi, Mi Zot Olah, p.217). The well of Miriam is implanted within the people of Israel through the righteous women of all generations. This is the basic inner power of the people, hidden within the daughters of Israel who are greatest in their emunah and greatest in their power to endure. They do not break but continue and build the coming generations and the chain of generations of the Jewish people. Just as Miriam embodied the character trait of kindness, when as a young midwife, she kept the babies alive and supplied them with food (Shemot 1:17; Sotah 11b), so did the well supply the Jewish people with all their needs. Thus, in the merit of Miriam, the well sustained the Jewish people with water in the wilderness. Water symbolizes life, since nothing can grow without water. The nurturing quality of water associated with Miriam is a feminine quality. Women keep the Jewish people alive. Without the perpetual kindness of women pouring out like a bottomless well, nothing would be able to be conceived, born, or kept alive (Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, Women at the Crossroads, Parashat Chukat, p. 145). Let us keep Miriam’s Well of emunah flowing! 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Chukat –

Some Tips for Cultivating Gratitude During Hardships

Humans are unique creatures, who often only fully appreciate what we have once it’s gone. We take things for granted and only understand their value once we lose them. We start to value things only when we experience the pain of losing someone or something, and then we realize their worth. “People can get so self-absorbed chasing their desires that they take the special people in their life for granted. This reality hits hard when a person passes on because the opportunity to love and appreciate is over then. Nothing can be done anymore. The guilty feelings and thoughts of ‘could’ve and should’ve’ take hold. In losing someone all the trivial barriers held against the person dissolve and become meaningless. We are reminded of death as the great equalizer. The illusion of conflict is over, and the ego is left with nothing to fight against. Truth is finally allowed to flow. You see the person as they really are…. far bigger than the petty issues your ego led you to fixate on” (Mandy Wessen).

• Work on Valuing Yourself – To genuinely respect and appreciate others, you must first value yourself enough to respect and appreciate who you are. This is because your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. To change your experiences, you must start by changing your personal beliefs and attitudes to align with what you wish to experience.

• Remind Yourself to be Grateful – take just a little bit of time to remind yourself to appreciate all the people and things we may take for granted without valuing them properly. Send them thoughts of appreciation regularly, preferably daily, for example, your health. You definitely appreciate being in good health while you have it. The more you value it the more you will be able to keep it. 

• Take an Object (Anything You Choose) – associate it with being grateful for being healthy and place it somewhere you see it every morning.
  
  
• Write in Your Gratitude Notebook “I am grateful to be happy” – I recommend at least ten times. In addition, if you have ten things in mind that you are grateful for, perhaps you can write about one of these things each day.
  
  
• Make an ‘I am grateful to be happy’ Poster – Post it somewhere you see it every morning like your mirror, put it on your cellphone or next to it the night before, and put it on a door you open at the time you want to exercise your gratitude.
  
  
• Set an Alarm on Your Cellphone – with a push-through message – to the time you want to be reminded to pay attention to the people you are grateful for in your life. 

Parashat Korach: What is the Small Adjustment of Attitude that Could Have Prevented Korach’s Rebellion?

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Parashat Korach
What is the Small Adjustment of Attitude that Could Have Prevented Korach’s Rebellion? 

Why Would we want to Believe that “I’m Getting More Than I Deserve?”                                    Looking for an inspiring YouTube while making challot, Hashem guided me to a short recording by Rabbi Manis Friedman, which connected to gratitude. The basic message was, “Don’t pursue happiness, allow it to happen while being enthusiastic about the things you are doing, or do the things you are enthusiastic about.” The recipe for happiness that the Rabbi shared is, cultivating an attitude of “I’m getting more than I deserve.” Although my husband disputed this concept, saying that working hard to deserve things in life makes people feel happy, I perceive truth on both sides. My husband is relating to the issue from the perspective of our actions, and I certainly agree that it’s commendable to work hard and then allow ourselves a well-deserved vacation. Yet from the perspective of receiving blessings and goodness in life, if we believe that we are getting less than we deserve, we will be constantly unhappy, thinking that life is unfair and that we have drawn the shortest straw. This mindset often leads people to become envious and compare themselves with others, thinking: “How come my neighbor is more successful, has a better job, and is more respected, although I’m working just as hard, and am at least as talented?” Feeling that we deserve all our gifts of life stems from an attitude of – as we say in Hebrew – מַגִּיעַ לִי/magia li – literally, “I have it coming to me!” Why should I be happy or grateful when things are going well? Don’t I deserve it? Why should I be thankful if I have earned the goodness I gained? These attitudes can lead to arrogance. Whenever I’m upset with my husband who doesn’t always understand me, or I experience minor marriage problems such as being criticized and accused of being critical, I must remind myself that I’m still getting more than I deserve. Baruch Hashem my husband isn’t abusive, he is faithful and never looks at other women, and what’s more, he usually dotes on me! Only when we realize that no one can ever deserve any of the gifts of life with which Hashem blesses us, can we truly feel grateful and happy. When we lower our expectations of what we deserve, we will welcome each surprising blessing with overflowing gratitude. 

Every Blessing is Bestowed According to Precise Divine Supervision                                                  In certain situations, it’s easy to forget that Hashem is in charge of EVERYTHING and that what we receive for good or bad is according to precise Divine Supervision. Sometimes we may feel slighted, when others are remiss in giving us the gifts, or the applause we think we deserve. This reminds me of a story I heard from a recording by Sara Cohen on Torah Anytime. A certain respected Rabbi was invited to a wedding. Since he was a very good friend of both the family of the Chatan (groom) and the Kallah (bride), he surely expected to receive the honor of reciting one of the sheva brachot (blessings) under the Chuppah (wedding canopy).  He was waiting patiently, but the brachot were given to others one by one. Finally, they got up to the final sheva bracha, but someone else was called up to recite it. When he was absent, they called a second person who had just stepped out due to an urgent phone call, and the third person they called up was somehow delayed. Now, our Rabbi friend of the family could easily fall into the pitfall of thinking “What’s going on here? Do the families not consider me a close friend? Have they forgotten about all I have done for them throughout all the years I have known them? Why don’t they even consider me worthy to be the substitute for the substitute reciting a blessing for the couple?” Finally, when three other rabbis were unavailable, the said Rabbi friend heard his name called, and he went up to the Chuppah to give his blessing to the new couple. As he returned to his place, the person standing next to him whispered into his ear:                                               

תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף לח/א-ב מִכָּאן אָמַר בֶּן עַזַּאי: בְּשִׁמְךָ יִקְרָאוּךְ, וּבִמְקוֹמְךָ יוֹשִׁיבוּךְ, וּמִשֶּׁלְּךָ יִתְּנוּ לְךָ. אֵין אָדָם נוֹגֵעַ      בַּמּוּכָן לַחֲבֵירוֹ, וְאֵין מַלְכוּת נוֹגַעַת בַּחֲבֶרְתָּהּ אֲפִילּוּ כִּמְלֹא נִימָא... “                                                                                  Ben Azzai said: “by your name, they shall call  you,  and in your place, they shall seat you, and from your own they shall give you. Not one reign overlaps with another and deducts even a hairbreadth from  the time allotted” (Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 38a-b).b

In other words, we should not be concerned that others might usurp our livelihood or success, since at the appropriate moment, everyone has a portion designated for him by G-d, and everyone is privileged to receive what is coming to him. The principle is: No person may touch what is prepared for another by G-d. Everyone receives what is designated for him. This implies that the last sheva bracha had the name of the Rabbi-family-friend written on it. If the blessing wasn’t designated for him, one of the others called up would have gotten it. Hashem made it so that each of the others was unavailable for various reasons, just so that this particular Rabbi would be the one reciting the last bracha under the chuppah, as he was meant to do. 

My Student’s First Spelt Challah Gift is Surely More Than I Deserve                                              This Talmudic teaching has helped bring me back on track when – at times – I may have felt jealous of others who seemingly were chosen over me as teachers, mentors, or healers, or when the younger brothers of my son’s friends got married one by one while he remained single. (B”H he is now married to a wonderful young woman who was worth the wait!). The other day, when we had the thank you luncheon for the host families in Bat Ayin who graciously open their homes and hearts to welcome our students for Shabbat meals, was a testing moment. The students had made beautifully decorated goody bags for each host family with handwritten thank-you notes. What a beautiful gesture! Had it not been for recalling the above mentioned Talmudic teaching from Yoma, I may have felt left out, thinking, “Why didn’t I get a decorated bag with a handwritten thank-you-note? After all, my husband and I open our home to the students, no less than the other host families.” But I believe I passed the test, focusing on how nice it was that my students expressed genuine gratitude to the families in Bat Ayin who keep hosting them. I’m considered more like the mom that you are always welcome to eat by. Having a welcoming home for students is part of the Rebbetzin role. It’s expected and not anything exceptional that warrants special recognition. I remained happy because even without a special decorated bag, I recognized that I was getting more than I deserved thank G-d. as I write these lines, I’m interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by an SMS “Are you home? I’m outside the door, I wanna give you something!” It’s one of my dear students holding an immense whole-spelt sourdough aromatic challah giving off the delicious scent of Shabbat. “It’s my first challah and I wanted to give it to you! Enjoy! With all my love🤍Thank you for everything!” she says with a hug. Here I got my confirmation! Hashem knows what He is doing. He ensures that everyone gets what’s due to them, as it states, “…and from your own they shall give you…” (Yoma 38). Nevertheless, I am overwhelmed with a grateful feeling that I surely am getting more than I deserve! 

Korach’s Rebellion was due to Feeling that He was Getting Less Than He Deserved  

ספר במדבר פרק טז פסוק א וַיִּקַּח קֹרַח בֶּן יִצְהָר בֶּן קְהָת בֶּן לֵוִי וְדָתָן וַאֲבִירָם בְּנֵי אֱלִיאָב וְאוֹן בֶּן פֶּלֶת בְּנֵי רְאוּבֵן:

“Korach the son of Yitzhar, the son of Kahat, the son of Levi took [himself to one side] along with Datan and Aviram, the sons of Eliav, and On the son of Pelet, descendants of Reuven” (Bamidbar 16:1).

Rashi asked, Now, what made Korach decide to quarrel with Moshe? He envied the chieftainship of Elizaphan the son of Uziel whom Moshe appointed as president over the sons of Kahat by the [Divine] word. Korach claimed, “My father and his brothers were four.” …Amram was the first, and his two sons received greatness, Moshe became the king, and Aharon Kohen Gadol. Who is entitled to receive the second position? Is it not I, who am the son of Yitzhar, the second brother to Amram? And yet, Moshe appointed the son of his youngest brother to become the president of the tribe of Levy! I oppose him and will invalidate his word (Midrash Tanchuma Korach 1, Midrash Rabbah 18:2). 

Korach is an example of someone who feels he is getting less than he deserves. He was a great Torah scholar, seemingly more suitable for the position as president of the tribe of Levi than his youngest cousin. Therefore, it didn’t make sense to him that he wasn’t chosen. Here is where emunah comes in! No matter whether it makes sense or not, we must recall the Talmudic teaching that everyone receives the precise portion metered out by Divine decree. By refusing to accept that each person gets exactly what Hashem ordains, Korach caused himself and his cohorts tremendous aggravation, in his unbridled honor-seeking, he brought everyone to meet their untimely death and to be taken out of the world as it states: 

משנה מסכת אבות פרק ד משנה כא רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר הַקַּפָּר אוֹמֵר, הַקִּנְאָה וְהַתַּאֲוָה וְהַכָּבוֹד מוֹצִיאִין אֶת הָאָדָם מִן הָעוֹלָם:

Rabbi Elazar Ha-kappar said: envy, lust, and honor-[seeking] takes a person out of the world (Pirkei Avot 4:21). 

Since envy, lust, and honor-seeking stem from a feeling of lack – of getting less than we deserve – this attitude interferes with the ability to function in this world, as well as making a person lose entrance into the world-to-come. The world cannot suffer the existence of such a person. Although G-d is not so quick to “remove sinners from the world,” those who are driven by these negative character traits of envy, lust, and honor-seeking cannot remain in the world because they are so self-destructive that they actively remove themselves from the world. Had Korach cultivated an attitude of, “I am getting more than I deserve,” he could have saved his own life and that of all his 252 followers. Perhaps when reading this, even my husband will agree that this dictum is the secret to living meaningful, happy, long lives in this world and the next!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Korach –

Some Tips for Being Happy with Our Portion

It takes work to continually live by “I’m getting more than I deserve” and remain happy with our portion even when things don’t play out according to our preference. It takes great humility to perpetually accept that Hashem is the Boss and whatever He meters out to us, is exactly what we need even to a hair’s breadth. Let us practice some of these tools perhaps with a partner, even a phone partner. In addition to Partners in Torah let us become Partners in Gratitude! 

• Practice Gratitude – Take time to appreciate the things you have in your life, no matter how small they may seem. Maintain a gratitude journal where you can write down things you are grateful for each day. A journal is a good way to organize your thoughts, analyze your feelings, and make plans. You don’t have to be a literary genius or write volumes to benefit. It can be as simple as jotting down a few thoughts before you go to sleep. If putting certain things in writing makes you nervous, you can always shred it when you’ve finished. It’s the process that counts.

• Foster Positive Relationships – Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who bring out the best in you. Cultivate meaningful friendships and spend time with loved ones who make you feel good about yourself and your portion in life.

• Practice Self-Care – Pay attention to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Get enough sleep, eat nutritious food, and engage in regular physical activity. Take time for activities that you enjoy and that help you relax and recharge.

• Set Goals to Feel Enthusiastic About What you are Doing or to Do What you are Enthusiastic About – Set realistic goals for yourself and work towards achieving them. Having a sense of purpose and actively pursuing your passions and interests can contribute to a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness with your portion.

• Find Joy in Simple Things – Learn to appreciate and find joy in simple pleasures and everyday experiences. It could be spending time in nature, enjoying a hobby, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and contentment.

• Engage in Chesed to Help Others – Engage in acts of kindness and service towards others. Helping others not only makes a positive impact on their lives but also brings a sense of fulfillment and happiness with your portion.

• Focus on the Positive – Train your mind to focus on the positive aspects of life rather than dwelling on the negatives. Keep repeating to yourself “I’m getting more than I deserve!” Practice positive self-talk and challenge negative thoughts or self-doubt.