Parashat Vayera: Balancing Truth with Compassion - Is Peace Really Greater than Truth, or Can They Be Harmonized?

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Parashat Vayera: Balancing Truth with Compassion

Is Peace Really Greater than Truth, or Can They Be Harmonized?

Must We Always Say Everything for the Sake of Honesty?

Since childhood, I have been unable to lie. I never wanted to, and on the few occasions when someone asked me to, I simply couldn’t. Whatever I said, I knew my clear blue eyes would reveal the truth. I have always valued speaking my truth, though this has sometimes caused conflict when others did not welcome it. Over time, I learned that being truthful does not mean sharing every detail with everyone. Experience has taught me that withholding information can be the right choice when revealing it would needlessly hurt others. Yet, only in my later years have I fully integrated the Talmudic teaching:

תלמוד בבלי, יבמות סה ע״ב

 כְּשֵׁם שֶׁמִּצְוָה עַל אָדָם לוֹמַר דָּבָר הַנִּשְׁמָע, כָּךְ מִצְוָה עַל אָדָם שֶׁלֹּא לוֹמַר דָּבָר שֶׁאֵינוֹ נִשְׁמָע:

Just as it is a mitzvah to say something that will be heeded, so is it a mitzvah not to say something that will not be heeded (Babylonian Talmud, Yevamot 65b).

I have softened over the years and avoided much conflict by holding back from speaking my truth indiscriminately. I have learned to tune in and listen more closely, to consider the person before me, and to filter my words with greater care. I try to adapt both what I say and how I express it to what the other person is ready to hear and accept. Sometimes a concern can be expressed gently at a more suitable moment; at times it is wiser to remain silent and allow the other person space to reach their own understanding. 

When I became Torah observant and learned the laws of shemirat halashon (guarding our speech), I discovered that the truth of a statement alone does not determine whether it should be spoken. The prohibition of Lashon hara (derogatory speech) is defined precisely by being true. False derogatory accusations fall under the still more severe prohibition of motzi shem ra (defamation). This understanding has also helped me become more discerning about what I reveal about myself. Honesty need not become an impulse to confess every mistake, expose every vulnerability, or offer personal details that serve no constructive purpose. I have also learned that it is not always worthwhile or necessary to reveal incriminating information about oneself. Thus, I always tell my students that when dealing with authorities, they need not volunteer every detail that could implicate them. Yet if asked directly, they must always tell the truth.

The same sensitivity belongs in our relationships: we can acknowledge our shortcomings without reducing ourselves to them, just as we can recognize another person’s faults without making those faults our main focus. I am still learning this balance – to speak with integrity while allowing wisdom, kindness, and respect to guide what I share. Parashat Vayera offers a beautiful example of Hashem Himself choosing which words to omit for the sake of peace.

?Must Everything We Hear Be Repeated

Sometimes we hear a remark about someone close to us and feel compelled to pass it on. We may even consider ourselves obligated to give an accurate account of every word. Yet, before repeating something potentially hurtful, we can ask ourselves: What will these words accomplish? In Parashat Vayera, Hashem Himself teaches us to consider how our retelling will affect a relationship: 

ספר בראשית פרק יח פסוק יב וַתִּצְחַק שָׂרָה בְּקִרְבָּהּ לֵאמֹר אַחֲרֵי בְלֹתִי הָיְתָה־לִּי עֶדְנָה וַאדֹנִי זָקֵן:

ספר בראשית פרק יח פסוק יג וַיֹּאמֶר הַשֵׁם אֶל־אַבְרָהָם לָמָּה זֶּה צָחֲקָה שָׂרָה לֵאמֹר הַאַף אֻמְנָם אֵלֵד וַאֲנִי זָקַנְתִּי:

“Sarah laughed within herself, saying, ‘After I have grown old, shall I have renewed pleasure, while my husband is old?’” “Hashem said to Avraham, ‘Why did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I indeed give birth, when I have grown old?’” (Bereishit 18:12–13). 

When Sarah wondered about her own aging, she added that her husband was old. Yet, when Hashem conveyed her words to Avraham, He omitted her comment about him. Rashi explains that Scripture altered her words for the sake of peace (Rashi, Bereishit 18:13). Bar Kappara emphasizes the greatness of peace: even Scripture changed its account to bring peace between Avraham and Sarah (Pesikta Zutarta, Bereishit 18:13). Hashem addressed Sarah’s laughter without passing on the part of her words that could hurt her husband. We, too, can pause before becoming the messenger of a remark that may create distance between people.

When May We Alter Our Words for the Sake of Peace?

Does protecting peace require compromising truth? The Ramban explains that Hashem’s retelling was entirely true: Sarah’s words about being worn out already referred to her own aging. Hashem omitted only her additional comment about Avraham, rather than reporting that both of them were old (Ramban, Bereishit 18:13). According to this explanation, the change consisted of leaving something out, without saying anything untrue. This offers a deeper understanding of how truth and peace can coexist. Sarah’s concern was conveyed faithfully, even though her exact words were not repeated in full. Hashem conveyed what was necessary to address Sarah’s doubt while omitting her comment about Avraham, teaching us to avoid words that could hurt a husband’s feelings.

The Da’at Zekenim takes this teaching a step further: according to one explanation, while Hashem conveyed only part of Sarah’s words, people are permitted to alter their wording more fully for the sake of peace (Da’at Zekenim, Bereishit 18:13). This requires discernment, especially when we are personally involved. Are we changing our words to protect a relationship, or merely to protect ourselves from embarrassment? Are we helping two people understand one another, or avoiding an uncomfortable admission that could lead to reconciliation? Sometimes preserving peace requires acknowledging a painful truth and taking responsibility for our actions. At other times, repeating a passing criticism gives it a weight and permanence it never deserved. A moment of frustration need not become the lasting picture one person carries of another. The purpose of the change must remain the peace we seek to preserve, guided by sincere concern for the people whose relationship has been entrusted to our words.

How Can We Address a Problem Without Causing Unnecessary Hurt?

Rabbi Yosef Bechor Shor explains that it would have been inconsiderate to reveal to Avraham that Sarah had called him old, lest he take offense (Bechor Shor, Bereishit 18:13). Why would Sarah’s reference to Avraham’s age offend when he already knew how old he was? A fact we readily acknowledge about ourselves can still hurt when we hear that someone we love has spoken of it as a limitation. I recall being deeply touched by a teaching from Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch’s commentary: a husband should never be considered old in his wife’s eyes. Although I have not been able to locate the source again in his writings, this insight has remained close to my heart. Being married to a husband seven years my senior, I have treasured the youthfulness I continue to see in him. I also appreciate his reciprocating by overlooking my wrinkles! There is something beautiful about growing older together while continuing to see the vitality and youthfulness in one another.

The Chizkuni sharpens our understanding of Sarah’s words: Sarah recognized that her own youthfulness had returned, but saw Avraham’s age as the remaining obstacle to having a child. Her words therefore placed the difficulty entirely on him (Chizkuni, Bereishit 18:13). Repeating them could have made Avraham feel blamed. Hashem still addressed the laughter and the doubt it expressed, while withholding the detail that could cause marital hurt. We can learn to distinguish between what needs to be addressed and what needlessly wounds. Before speaking, we might ask: Am I helping this person understand something necessary? Can I convey the concern with greater sensitivity? Especially in our closest relationships, care for another person’s dignity belongs within the way we communicate truth.

How Can Our Words Become a Vessel for Peace and Blessing?

Learning when to speak and when to remain silent is an inner work of bringing different qualities into harmony. Our desire to express truth must meet our compassion and sensitivity to another person’s heart. Rabbi Avraham ben David of Posquières describes shalom as the force that mediates between Chesed (kindness) and Din (judgment), uniting right and left. Peace is an expression of Yesod – the foundation upon which the world stands (The Ra’avad, Sefer Yetzirah 4:1). In our relationships, we can understand this as a call to integrate discernment and compassion. Judgment recognizes what needs correction, while kindness remains attentive to the person who needs to hear it. Peace joins these qualities so that we can address a difficulty while preserving our love and respect for one another. This harmony also prepares us to receive blessing, as our sages teach:

משנה עוקצים פרק ג משנה יב

אָמַר רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן חֲלַפְתָּא: לֹא מָצָא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא כְּלִי מַחֲזִיק בְּרָכָה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל אֶלָּא הַשָּׁלוֹם:

Rabbi Shimon ben Chalafta said: Hashem found no vessel capable of holding blessing for Israel other than peace (Mishnah, Uktzin 3:12).

Just as a vessel enables us to receive and retain what is poured into it, peace allows us to enjoy and sustain the blessings Hashem bestows upon us. Even if a home is filled with material comforts, constant conflict can make it difficult to appreciate them. When there is understanding and goodwill between us, even simple gifts – a shared meal, a quiet evening, or time together – can bring deep fulfillment. 

Rabbi David Leifer teaches that Hashem continually bestows abundance, yet we must become a vessel prepared to receive it. He connects receiving this blessing with going beyond the letter of the law, letting go of resentment, and persevering in our love of peace with others (Ohev Chesed, Parashat Shoftim). Sometimes our insistence on expressing every detail leaves little room for another person. By softening that insistence, we make space for understanding, forgiveness, and renewed closeness. This willingness to forgive and yield opens our hearts to Hashem’s blessing. Rabbi Aharon Perlow explains that our prayers culminate in peace because peace encompasses all the blessings flowing into this world (Beit Aharon, Parashat Pinchas). Returning to Avraham and Sarah, we discover this lofty teaching within the intimacy of marriage. Hashem’s care for Avraham’s feelings – protecting him from words that could wound him – safeguarded their closeness and revealed the preciousness of shalom bayit (peace between husband and wife).  

We, too, can learn to acknowledge a concern without allowing it to obscure the goodness of the person we love. Even as we grow older together, we can continue to regard one another with freshness, appreciation, and hope. Each time we choose our words with care, we help make our relationship a vessel for blessing. May Hashem guide our lips and hearts, so that the truths we speak bring us closer and the words we withhold help our relationships become vessels for His abundant blessings.

Parashat Mishpatim: How are the Interpersonal Mitzvot Linked to the Holiness of the Land?

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Parashat Mishpatim
How are the Interpersonal Mitzvot Linked to the Holiness of the Land?

Can Social Justice Exist Without a Spiritual Foundation?

I’ve been a truth seeker since childhood. Even before I could define it, I was searching for a model of social justice rooted in spiritual and moral principles. I suppose I was born a spiritual seeker, always feeling like an outsider in a culture so focused on materialism. Never having experienced physical lack in life, I was drawn instead to advocate for the repair I felt was needed in the emotional and spiritual dimensions. As a teenager, I had many Marxist friends, largely due to my enrollment in the Free Gymnasium – an alternative high school where students helped run the institution. My parents agreed to let me attend only after I had first tried a regular high school.  In hindsight, I understand their reluctance. The Free Gymnasium was not only a hub for leftist ideals but also a stronghold of vehement anti-Zionism, which often went hand in hand. I still remember walking into class one day in 1975 to find “Zionism is Racism” scrawled in bold letters across the blackboard – the same year the United Nations General Assembly declared Zionism a form of racial discrimination. Although I deeply believed in social equality, I couldn’t help but feel shaken by that statement, which seemed to be directed personally against me. The Kibbutz principle of working according to one’s ability and receiving compensation according to one’s needs resonated with me, yet I struggled to embrace Marxism. It would have been easier – and more comfortable – to align with my Marxist friends, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t accept its foundation: historical materialism, which argues that material conditions drive human history and transformation. I could never agree that the material framework determines how human beings evolve and shape the world. For me, the spiritual dimension has always been the true force behind everything that unfolds in the universe. Needless to say, when I discovered the Torah, its religious, ethical, and social laws resonated deeply with my soul.

 

Are our Divinely Ordained Ethical Laws Designed Particularly for the Holy Land?

Parashat Mishpatim, which follows the revelation at Mount Sinai, presents an extensive array of laws covering diverse aspects of life – ranging from the treatment of slaves to the justice system, from civil laws to moral conduct in daily day life. One of the most profound themes of Parashat Mishpatim is the intrinsic connection between these laws and the unique holiness of the Land of Israel. The Torah repeatedly emphasizes that the land is holy and that dwelling in it comes with divine responsibilities. The Land of Israel is not merely a geographical territory; it is the sacred place where the Jewish people are meant to fulfill their covenant with G-d. Parashat Mishpatim offers a glimpse into how the Torah’s legal system is intricately tied to the spiritual nature of the land. While many of its laws focus on interpersonal relationships, property rights, and communal obligations, they also reflect a deeper, spiritual bond with Hashem that the land itself nurtures. This connection is established from the opening verse of Mishpatim, which determines the divine foundation of these interpersonal laws:

 

ספר שמות פרק כא פסוק א וְאֵלֶּה הַמִּשְׁפָּטִים אֲשֶׁר תָּשִׂים לִפְנֵיהֶם:

“And these are the judgments that you shall set before them” (Shemot 21:1).

 

From this verse, we learn that even the ethical principles governing human relationships – that upright people may have established on their own – are divinely ordained.  As Rashi explains, the phrase “And these” (וְאֵלֶּה/ve’eleh) comes to add to what has been previously stated (Tanchuma Mishpatim 3). The phrase serves to link mishpatim (interpersonal laws) to the Ten Commandments, underscoring that just as the laws at Sinai were divinely given, so too are the mitzvot of Parashat Mishpatim. Although these mitzvot appear to be merely laws of human behavior, they are divine imperatives that shape a nation embodying G-d’s will. Their fulfillment is especially significant in the Land of Israel. This is so because the Jewish people are meant to establish a society based on divine justice and ethical responsibility, particularly in the Promised Land (Ramban, Shemot 21:1).

 

How does Shemitah (the Sabbatical Year) Foster a Special Relationship with the Land?

One of the core themes throughout the Torah is that the Land of Israel is a divine gift to the Jewish people – the place where Hashem’s presence is uniquely manifest. Anyone who has made Aliyah or even visited Israel can testify to this truth. The principles of justice and communal responsibility in Parashat Mishpatim lay down the foundation for the relationship between the Jewish people and the land. For example, the mitzvah to observe the Shemitah year:

 

ספר שמות פרק כג פסוק י וְשֵׁשׁ שָׁנִים תִּזְרַע אֶת אַרְצֶךָ וְאָסַפְתָּ אֶת תְּבוּאָתָהּ:

(יא) וְהַשְּׁבִיעִת תִּשְׁמְטֶנָּה וּנְטַשְׁתָּהּ וְאָכְלוּ אֶבְיֹנֵי עַמֶּךָ וְיִתְרָם תֹּאכַל חַיַּת הַשָּׂדֶה כֵּן תַּעֲשֶׂה לְכַרְמְךָ לְזֵיתֶךָ:

“Six years you shall sow your land and gather in its produce. But the seventh year you shall let it rest and lie fallow” (Shemot 23:10-11).

This mitzvah exemplifies the Torah’s holistic vision of justice, extending beyond human relationships to encompass the land itself. The concept of Shemitah teaches us that Eretz Yisrael is not merely a piece of real estate – it is a living, entity. By relinquishing ownership and allowing the land to rest, we affirm that it ultimately belongs to Hashem. This act of emunah acknowledges that our sustenance doesn’t mainly derive from human labor but from divine blessing. The Shemitah year serves as a societal reset and a reminder that the land is on loan to the Israelites from G-d, and we are only its stewards. This understanding instills humility and dependence on divine providence, reinforcing the idea that rather than being self-sufficient we are always relying on Hashem (Babylonian Talmud, Shemita 9a). Moreover, the Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 430) emphasizes that the observance of Shemitah is not merely an agricultural decree but a spiritual discipline, teaching us to care for our eternal inheritance according to Hashem’s will. Just as the land rests, so too must the people pause – to renew their relationship with Hashem and with each other.  On a practical level, we relinquish ownership of the land during the Shemitah year, not just conceptually, but in a very tangible way. The produce that grows in “our own backyard” is open for all to take, embodying the concept that the holy land belongs equally to everyone, for it ultimately belongs to G-d alone. I have personally experienced the renewal that comes from surrendering ownership and seeing how land flourishes after its year of rest. It has also instilled in me a deeper connection to the land, as the excitement to once again “get dirt under my fingernails” speaks to a more profound relationship with the earth – a relationship based not on possession but on loving caretaking, humility, and faith.

Which Mitzvot Engender Compassionate Justice in the Land of Israel?

Another vital connection between the land and the Mishpatim is the principle of Tzedakah –  compassionate justice, which leans toward kindness. The Torah directs us to ensure that all people – especially the poor, the widow, the orphan, and the stranger – are treated with the utmost fairness and compassion:

ספר שמות פרק כב פסוק כ

וְגֵֶר לא תוֹנֶה וְלא תִלְחָצֶנְנוּ כִּי גֵרִים הְיִיתֶם בְּאֵרֶץ מִצְרִים: (כא) כָּל אַלְמָנָה וְיָתוֹם לֹא תְעַנּוּן:

“You shall not mistreat a convert, nor shall you oppress him, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” You shall not oppress any widow or orphan (Shemot 22:20-21).

Caring for the most vulnerable among us – those without a social network – is not merely an abstract ideal; it is an existential, practical reality of life in the Land of Israel. We are called to make a special effort never to exploit those lacking support, whether by underpaying them or being overly controlling and demanding. We must never shame a convert by reminding him of his past or speaking harshly to a widow or orphan. Rather, as practiced in our community in Bat Ayin, we open our homes and hearts to ensure these individuals feel welcome, supported, and cherished. The Torah further reinforces the need to provide for the poor, release debts, and create opportunities for everyone to thrive. The law requiring the return of property during the Jubilee year (Vayikra 25:10–16) reflects the profound understanding that land cannot be sold permanently – it ultimately reverts to its divinely appointed owner (Rashi on Vayikra 25:10). When my husband and I decided to settle in Gush Etzion, we were driven by the desire to live a life fully aligned with Torah values. Over the years, we have witnessed how the mitzvot of justice and kindness form the bedrock of our community. Whether helping a neighbor in need, supporting local agricultural initiatives, or welcoming newcomers, living in Eretz Yisrael provides countless opportunities to put the lessons of Parashat Mishpatim into practice.

How am I Resolving My Quest for Truth and Divine Social Justice in the Land?

The laws of Mishpatim, such as those governing loans and the return of property in the Jubilee year, affirm that the land must be maintained with social justice at its core. Living in this land is not merely a physical reality – it is a spiritual calling that demands commitment to ethical conduct, adherence to G-d’s laws, and deep reverence for the sanctity of the land itself. Without these values, the land risks desecration, and the people risk severing our connection to the divine. Neglecting the poor and the needy is not just a moral failure; it is a violation of the land’s sacred purpose, which was entrusted to the Jewish people to uphold justice and righteousness (Babylonian Talmud Baba Batra 8a). For me, the spiritual foundation of building a just and compassionate society in the Land of Israel stands in direct contrast to Marx’s historical materialism. It is not material conditions that shape human history but rather our connection with Hashem – expressed through the fulfillment of His laws in both their spiritual and practical dimensions – that drives true transformation. I am profoundly grateful that my childhood search for a model of social justice rooted in spiritual and moral principles has been fulfilled. Over the years, it has become clear to me that striving to uphold divine law within the land invites the Shechinah to dwell among us, allowing the Holy Land – and in due course, the entire world – to flourish and fulfill its ultimate divine purpose.

Why Do the Thirteen Attributes of Compassion Make me Feel Gratitude?

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Parashat Ki Tisa 

Why Do the Thirteen Attributes of Compassion Make me Feel Gratitude?  

What is the Connection Between ‘G-d’ and ‘Good?’

Last week in Herbal Workshop, I started to teach Rambam about Character Development, Nutrition, and Health. We are learning the first four chapters of Hilchot Deot inside the text. I love how Rambam’s holistic approach teaches us that our Midot (character traits) greatly influence not only our mental but even physical health. Moreover, I really connect with how Rambam doesn’t consider being healthy a goal in itself, butrather we must be healthy as spiritual people in our endeavor to serve G-d as Jews. Thus, it’s a religious act to take care of our bodies. We also learn from the way Rambam presents how we must accustom ourselves to develop good character traits, that being a good person – as noble as it sounds – is not the ultimate goal of a Jew. Rather, the underlying reason and our motivation for striving to refine our character is to imitate G-d. The essence of our being in this world is to follow Hashem’s ways. Just as He is good, so must we too be good. A discussion ensued in class about whether G-d’s ways are good because they are the ways of G-d, or if they are G-d’s ways because they are good. It quickly became clear that the answer is both because these two are interdependent. G-d’s character traits are good because they are G-d’s ways, whilst G-d adopted these particular ways because they are ultimately good. Interestingly, one of the students noticed that the word for G-d in German ‘Gott’ is almost identical to the Germanword for good ‘Gut.’ We find the same connection between ‘G-d’ and ‘good’ in several languages not to forget in English. Interestingly the Danish word for ‘good’ is spelled exactly as the English word ‘God!’ These language parallels surely leaveus no doubt that G-d is the ultimate good and the ultimate good is part of G-d. It makes me so filled with gratitude to know that the world and my personal life are governed and supervised by a loving caring G-d who is the source of all goodness. This awareness endows me with emunah assuring me that even when it is not apparent, whatever happens in Israel and in my life is truly the greatest good that is meant to be!

Is it Simplistic to Believe in Hashem’s Ultimate Goodness? 

G-d is even better than the best! You would think that His goodness would apply to us only when we are good and follow His ways. Yet we learn otherwise from the Thirteen Midot of Compassion that Hashem revealed to Moshe right before he was to go up to the mountain and receive the Second Tablets of the Torah. After the sin of the Golden Calf, Moshe ascended Mt. Sinai and pleaded with G-d to forgive the Jewish people. After his supplications were accepted, Moshe used the opportunity of the auspicious moment to ask G-d to grant the Jewish people a way to access Divine compassion should they fall again in the future. G-d complied and told Moshe to wait on a mountain where He would show him His glory. As Hashem was granting His forgiveness for the Jewish people He passed before Moshe and exuded His 13 Attributes of Compassion:

 

ספר שמות פרק לד פסוק ו

וַיַּעֲבֹר הָשֵׁם עַל פָּנָיו וַיִּקְרָא הָשֵׁם הָשֵׁם אֵל רַחוּם וְחַנּוּן אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם וְרַב חֶסֶד וֶאֱמֶת:

“Hashem is compassionate, generous, slow to anger, andabundant in loving-kindness and truth…” (Shemot 34:6). 

 

You may say that it sounds simplistic to believe in Hashem’s ultimate goodness. What about all the pain that He allows to exist? What about the holocaust? What about all the innocent Jewish lives killed in the current war? How can G-d be good when He allows such evil to exist? You know as well as I do that infinite amounts of books and commentaries are written to answer these kinds of questions. The primary example is inside our own Tanach in the book of Iyov (Job). I’m unable to offer any comprehensible answer, except that the darkness of evil is the result of our negative actions causing the hiding of Hashem’s light. Those chosen to carry the burden of this darkness are often not the ones who brought it about, but rather those who have the strongest shoulders – so to speak – and are most capable of carrying the pain of the darkening of Divine Light with love and thus bring about atonement for Israel. 

 

Calling Out to Our Loving Compassionate Father

The Thirteen Attributes of Compassion strengthen our emunah and encourage us even when we are in the midst of the deepest darkness. Each of these character traits indicates Hashem’s great compassion for all of us even if we are still entrenched in negative behavior and haven’t yet repented as Rashi explains HASHEM, HASHEM Heb. הָשֵׁם - This is G-d’s Attribute of Compassion. [It is repeated,] once before the person sins, and once for after he sins and repents. G-D Heb. אֵל - This too is an attribute of compassion [for G-d], as it states, “My G-d, my G-d, Heb. אֵלִי. why have You forsaken me?” (Tehillim 22:2). One cannot say to the Divine attribute of justice, “Why have You forsaken me?” SLOW TO ANGER - He puts off His anger and does not hasten to exact retribution, [hoping that] perhaps he [the sinner] will repent. AND ABUNDANT IN LOVING -KINDNESS - for those who need loving-kindness because they lack sufficient merits. AND TRUTH - to pay a good reward to those who do His will (Rashi, Ibid).

 

I find much reassurance in Rashi’s above commentary, that each of Hashem’s names describes His compassion and love for us. Even if I don’t always measure up, I know G-dpatiently waits for me to give me a chance to repent and better my ways. Hashem will also cover for me with his Chesed if I don’t have enough merits on my own. I personally experienced that when we were a newlywed ba’al teshuva couple and full-time Torah students. When we often lacked the means to pay for rent and utilities, Hashem made up for our deficit, and somehow our rent got paid. Likewise, the belief that Hashem will make up for any of my spiritual deficits fills me with love and gratitude. Rabbeinu Bachaya reinforces Rashi’s encouragement even more. He concurs that the name “Hashem” invokes the attribute of compassion. Hashem extends this compassion even when we haven’t previously confessed our sin or have repented of it. We can always appeal to G-d as to our father, someone who naturally extends his mercy to his children. Just as the father is aware of his children’s needs, so is G-d – our collective father – aware of our needs. Such a father will not wait until his son asks for what he needs but will even supply it without being asked to do so. G-d therefore responds to the needs of even the wicked sinner as he too is one of His children. Hashem employs this attribute even in His dealings with Gentiles (Rabbeinu Bachaya, Shemot 34:6). It is so comforting to know we can always call out to our loving Father whenever we are in dire straits. Crying out to Hashem with the appellation “Abba” is very powerful. I learned this many years ago from my spiritual healing teacher and since then I have called out to my Heavenly Father often and the more I do it, the more I experience He is there for me. 

 

Walking in Hashem’s Way by Emulating His Attributes of Rachamim

When we feel very loved and grateful for all the Chesed our Heavenly Father showers upon us continually, we become inspired to want to return this Chesed so it can keep circulating in the world. Being recipients of goodness naturally makes us want to become givers and bestowers of goodness. Yet, Hashem wanted to give us extra merit by granting us a mitzvah to do what we, anyway, naturally are inspired to do. When Hashem gave us the mitzvah, “You shall walk in His ways” (Devarim 28:9), our Sages teach that it implies, Just as He is called ‘Gracious,’ you shall be gracious; Just as He is called ‘Compassionate,’ you shall be compassionate; Just as He is called ‘Holy,’ you shall be holy… [All of these ways] are good and straight paths. We are obligated to accustom ourselves to these ways and to resemble Him to the extent of our ability (Rambam, Hilchot Deot Chapter 1, Halacha 4). This is easier said than done. As humans, we have limitations that make it impossible to completely imitate G-d. Yet, our Divine Neshama can override these limitations. Even more so, by granting us the mitzvah to walk in His ways, Hashem imbued us with the ability and Divine assistance to overcome the blocks that prevent us from refining our character. This is the power of the mitzvah! It empowers us to rise above our human nature and activate our Divine soul, and highest will. When we fulfill Hashem’s will through emulating Hashem, we are refining our will to submit ourselves completely to Hashem and His Torah!

 

Why Attributes of Rachamim Rather than Attributes of Chesed? 

Why are Hashem’s attributes called the Thirteen Divine Attributes of רַחֲמִים /Rachamim (compassion)? Rachamim comes from the word רֶחֶם /rechem which means ‘womb.’ Just as in the womb, the process of a new being develops and grows, Hashem bestows compassion upon us even if we don’t deserve it, because He believes in who we can become. Even if we aren’t yet ready for His compassion and kindness right now, we do have the potential to merit it in the future. So,Hashem gives us time and space to grow to come close to Him. When we sinned with the Golden Calf, we didn’t deserve Hashem’s compassion, rather we deserved to be annihilated. When Moshe cried out to save the Jewish people Hashem taught him these attributes so that the Children of Israel could be forgiven through them. Since then, whenever we recite these thirteen attributes of compassion, we evoke them and make them flow for us and through us to the entire world! (Inspired by Rebbetzin Tamar Taback). The thirteen attributes of compassion are a secret spiritual tool that Hashem bequeathed to His beloved people to tap into to rise above our lowly limitations and receive complete forgiveness for our failings, even when we don’t deserve it yet. The awareness that Hashem has faith in us inspires us to believe in ourselves! That too is a way of walking in Hashem’s ways. Isn’t it?

 

 

           

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Ki Tisa–

Using Cheshbon HaNefesh (Soul Accounting) for Character Development

The first step of Cheshbon Hanefesh is visualizing your higher self, and who you can rise to become. The next step is making a plan for conscientiously working on actualizing your spiritual potential. The final step is making daily, weekly even monthly accounting for how you are doing in implementing the plan. 

 

Practical Steps for Cheshbon HaNefesh – 

1. Make a chart of thirteen-character traits you want to work on. Each week focus only on one trait.

2. At the end of each day take five minutes to note down your successes in that trait, and mentally pad yourself on the back for your spiritual and emotional growth. 

3. Then note down the further improvements you would like to see in yourself regarding your chosen trait. 

4. For the other 12 traits, your successes are also tracked, but no effort is made to improve on them.

5. While tracking each trait either wait until the end of the day and by memory count the number of successes or keep a notepad and track successes during the day as they happen in real-time (make a mark for each time or whatever. This way is superior in that it helps to keep the matter fresh in your mind and guards it from the beginning.)

6. Keep a weekly sum of each trait to track progress. Example use from the book: For the first week, the focus trait is ‘equanimity.’ Throughout the week repeat to yourself constantly a positive affirmation something like “I chose to rise above events that are inconsequential” or whatever works for you to maintain equanimity. At the end of the day, journal about how well you fared in maintaining equanimity despite the challenges. Also note down how you did in all the other 12 traits in the daily chart. For the second week, the focus is on the second trait (patience). Make up a positive affirmation to focus on maintaining patience. Likewise for the other 11 traits. Then repeat from the beginning. 4 cycles per year.

Character Trait	Successes	Improvement Needed	Work on
1. Equanimity (menuchat hanefesh-peace of mind) - Rise above inconsequential events, both negative and positive, for they are not worth disturbing your equanimity.
2. Patience (savlanut) - When something happens to you that you don’t have the power to avoid, do not aggravate the situation even more through wasted grief.
3. Order (seder)- Keep all your actions and possessions orderly - each one in a set place and at a set time. Let your thoughts always be free to deal with what lies ahead (i.e. focus your thoughts on what you’re doing)
4. Decisiveness (charitzut) – Weigh all the possibilities carefully before acting. When you have reached a decision, act without hesitating.
5. Cleanliness (nekiyut) - Let no stain or ugliness be found in your possessions or in your home, and surely not on your body or clothes.
6. Humility (anava)- Be open to always learning from every person, to recognize your lacks, and to fix them. This will help you to stop focusing on your own virtues and the faults of others.
7. Righteousness (Tzedek) - What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow (includes theft, taking advantage, cheating, and being jealous etc.
8. Frugality (kimutz) - Be careful with your money. Do not spend even a penny needlessly.
9. Diligence (zerizut) - Always find something to do - for your good or the good of others. Do not waste even a moment of your life.
10. Silence (shtika) - Before opening your mouth, be silent and reflect: “What benefit will my speech bring me or others?”
11. Calmness (nichuta) - The words of the wise are spoken softly. In confrontations (rebuking, negotiation, etc.) make every effort to ensure your actions do not lead to negative feelings in others.
12. Truth (emet) - Do not say anything which you are not certain is completely true.
13. Separation (perishut) - Strengthen yourself from lustful thoughts. Draw close to your spouse when your mind is free, and your heart is filled with love.

This is an example of a Cheshbon Hanefesh Chart. You can do your own based on the traits you want to inculcate in your psyche. I just noticed that the trait of Simcha/Happiness is missing so please make sure to include it when you make your own Cheshbon Hanefesh Chart!  None of this is easy. Rabbi Yisrael Salanter said that repairing one negative character trait is more difficult than learning the entire Talmud. Achieving practical results requires constant awareness and effort. HatzlachaRabbah! May you be successful in your endeavor of self-refinement. which eventually will bring about self-satisfaction, gratitude, and happiness.