Parashat Beshalach
How do we Enact a Spiritual Exodus to
Heal the Traumas of Exile?
Is there a Connection between the Three Primal Fears and Jewish
Mothers’ Syndrome?
In my
spiritual healing course, I recently led a workshop about The Three Archetypal
(Primal) Fears, based on a teaching from Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh (Body Mind
and Soul, pp. 91-118). This teaching traces the origins of disease back to
the three core traumas of the Jewish people. The main fear of the collective
consciousness of the psyche of Israel is the fear of exile, the communal state
of disease. The Talmud likens the three major exiles of the Jewish people –
Egyptian, Babylonian, and present (the exile of Edom) – to a man being attacked
by a wolf, a lion, and a serpent, respectively (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot
13a). The Jewish people have lived for thousands of years with these three
archetypical fears. We have been traumatized by each of the exiles, which has
left a different spiritual scar on our souls. These scars derive from our
collective unconscious, yet they also express themselves on an individual level
– each person experiences different ‘collective childhood wounds’ according to
her particular predicament and tikkun (rectification). My workshop elicited the
following heartfelt question from one of the participants: “I have a question
that may relate back to the Three Primal Fears. I was speaking with a friend
who observed something I have also noticed, which is the difficulty of some
Jewish mothers to letting go of their almost adult and adult children. This tendency
expresses itself on many different levels, including the inability to accept
the adult children’s decisions and lifestyles, causing many Jewish mothers to
become over-critical and questioning without focusing on the good positive
points of our children. I’m curious about how the three fears we were learning
about might be affecting this pattern. Also, I am looking for my resources to
respond in a way that is healing to the person and the system. Any thoughts?
Summary
of the Three Primal Fears and Their Emotional Derivatives
The
Trauma of the Egyptian Exile Corresponds to the Wolf
Before
we attempt to answer this very thoughtful question, let us briefly clarify the
concept of the Three Primal Fears. The trauma of the Egyptian exile corresponds
to the archetypical Wolf – which represents the fear of rape. Rape can also be
extended to emotional and psychological violation – experiencing someone else
invading our personal space physically and/or psychologically. The syndrome of
the fear of the Wolf thus includes various power struggles, control issues, and
co-dependence. This is a residue of slavery in Egypt. The slavery experience
elicited the fear of not being in control. There is a link between the Egyptian
exile and the wolf – זְאֵב /ze’ev, its gematria (numerical value) being 10, corresponding
to the Ten Plagues of Egypt.
The
Trauma of the Current Edomite Exile Corresponds to the Serpent
The fear
of the Serpent represents the fear of sin and insanity – the fear of losing our
mind due to sin. “No one commits a sin unless he has been
overtaken by temporary insanity…” (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 3a). The
primordial serpent tempted Chava to eat from the Tree, by confusing her mind regarding
Hashem’s command. Amalek, the direct descendent of Esav, and the ancestor of
the Roman Empire – is the incarnation of the primordial serpent. The gematria
of עֲמָלֵק/Amalek
is 240, which equals סָפֵק/safek – ‘doubt,’
indecision, insecurity, confusion, paranoia. The venom of Amalek seeks to cause
our soul to lose its mind. This syndrome is the root of all mental
illnesses such as depression, bipolar, eating disorders, personality disorders, and much more. In our time we witness an incredible increase in the list of
mental disorders, just beginning with the letter “A” we find antisocial
behavior, anorexia, autism, Alzheimer’s, and more.
The
Three Primal Fears as Expressed Through Jewish Mother’s Syndrome
So how
does Jewish Mother’s Syndrome which many of us struggle with connect with the
Three Primal Fears? It seems to me that somehow all three primal fears are at
play to various degrees in Jewish mothers’ fear of letting go of their adult
children.
Fear of the Wolf expresses itself through the primary fear of losing control, which makes it difficult to let go of our adult children. We are gripped by this fear when we have no idea of where our adult child may be and when s/he will return. When they return after midnight our heart may be pounding that perhaps something happened to them… G-d forbid… Our fear of losing control over our adult children is an irrational fear as we have already lost that control, years ago. Therefore, this fear of losing control is only causing ourselves unnecessary sleepless nights, and therefore it is time to learn to trust and overcome this fear.
Fear of the Lion – the fear of death – is expressed through the fear of what could happen to our children if we let go of taking care of them. We are afraid that without our care, they may not take proper care of themselves. The helicopter mom’s fear is not only the fear and concern for their adult children’s health but also the fear for their lives. They fear something terrible could happen to them when they do x y or z. Although this is a rational fear and often our adult children won’t make themselves the kind of nutritious food that we offer, they also may leave the house for hours during the cold winter night without a hat or a jacket. Even if their neglect of themselves may cause them to become sick, G-d forbid, nevertheless, we must work on allowing them to learn the hard way from their own experiences and mistakes.
Fear of the Serpent is the fear of not being able to understand and remain close to our children. We are afraid that our adult children will grow apart from us as they form their own outlooks and way of life. Their possible rejection of our path may be painful, and we may feel lost and left out when they no longer admire us or accept our advice. Especially in our time, everything moves and changes so fast that it is hard for older adults to keep pace with all the modern technology that our children are involved in. At times we are afraid that their new path may be corrupt and impede their integrity and eternity. Looking back to the time when we ourselves were young adults may afford us a bit of relief. We may have considered our parents backward and old-fashioned, but later we relearned to respect and endear them. When we accept the temporary distance as being only a phase in our young adult child’s life, we can develop patience and acceptance of both our children, ourselves, and the situation.
Letting
go of Fears and Allowing Our Children to Grow into Independence
All our
fears concerning our adult children are damaging not only to ourselves but
also to them. Our children need the freedom to not always share their inner
thoughts with their mom. Young adults need the spontaneity of not being
compelled to tell their moms where they are at any given moment and when they
plan to return. They also need independence to learn how to take care of
themselves. Since we cannot take care of our children for the rest of their
lives, there must be an appropriate gradual cutting point that is right for them,
rather than determined by our fear. Yet, due to our worries, they feel torn and
may even feel guilty when they cannot always act in ways that will assuage our
fears and worries. Therefore, when we work on healing our primary fears and
traumas, we are not only engendering personal healing, rather we have the
opportunity to heal our collective traumas by breaking the pattern of our
collective fears affecting not only our children but all generations to come.
EmunaHealing Exercise for Letting go of Our Adult Child and
Restore Sanity
1. Find a private comfortable space and pay attention to your
breath. Inhale to a count of 7, hold your breath for a count of 4, and exhale
to a count of 8. Repeat this sequence three times.
2. Now, allow your breath to find its own pace. Keep
breathing naturally and notice that you are entering a calmer space.
3. Tune into a situation where you felt lonely and left out
by your adult child. Tap into your worries and self-doubts induced by the fear
of the insanity of the Primordial Serpent.
4. Place your hands on your forehead and visualize Hashem being
with you in this situation, assuring you that He is with you in your loneliness.
He is always with you at every moment and every situation.
5. Breathe into the awesome light of Hashem’s presence. Recognize
that there is a power beyond our own limited way of viewing reality. To
overcome mental distortion, we need to transcend our own limited self-image,
and preoccupation with self and develop awe for Hashem bringing us beyond our
personal problems.
6. Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like
when you feel detached from your children? Do you feel hurt? What thoughts were
you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently? Can you be with your
adult children and love them, without looking to them as your source of
happiness?
7. Can you learn to be alone without being lonely? Can you overcome
your fear of the Serpent by learning to love yourself enough that you can become
your own best companion?
8. Place your hands on your heart and breathe into the belief
in a loving G-d – the source of all goodness. Tune into your inherent emunah (faith) in
Hashem: Breathe into the truth that there is nothing besides Him. He gives life
to the entire world at every moment. Without Him there is no life.
9. Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of
your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and
grandchildren to be happy? Allow yourself to meet your own needs by loving
yourself sufficiently, to bring more peace and satisfaction.
10. Can you let go of your need to be needed? Your desire to
feel that your nurturing love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
Can you let go of the picture in your mind of your child and how s/he will
fulfill your needs and desires?
11. Allow yourself to strengthen the emunah in your heart to
overcome your fear of the Lion – the fear of death – the fear of the unknown
and the unknowable.
12. Keep breathing while placing your hands on your belly. Can
you let go and let Hashem take over control? Strengthen your bitachon (trust in
G-d) by realizing that ultimately no one else is totally in control of
anything.
13. Recite internally inside of your guts: “Only Hashem
leads, guides, supervises. Whatever I have is from Him. I’m ready to overcome
the fear of the Wolf by realizing that I cannot control my children. Whatever happens
to them is from Hashem for their and our ultimate good.
14. We sometimes forget that when we can view our adult
children with some detachment when our reactions to them are no longer based on
expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully
and freely.
15. Breathe into the acceptance that your adult child is not
here to complete you, give you a fulfilled life, or meet your needs. Allow your
fears of losing control, death, and insanity to melt away so you begin to heal
the collective traumas of our people and thereby learn to genuinely love.
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