What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Parashat Miketz

What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Can Guilt feelings be Harmful?

One of my EmunaHealing clients (let’s call her Pam) requested to work on her serious sins before she became Torah observant. Although she had fully regretted her past actions and hadn’t repeated them for decades, she was still haunted by them. Pam was unable to let go of her worry and fear about having angered Hashem so greatly. Her guilt feelings about her past misdeeds made her depressed and scared that she wouldn’t be forgiven without suffering. Pam is not alone among women afflicted by intrusive, guilty thoughts. Our generation is called the GAT (guilty all the time) generation, and almost half of us are kept awake at night by guilt. More than 96 percent of women feel guilty at least once a day, while for almost half are hit by guilt feelings up to four times a day. What is worse is that not only is excessive guilt unhelpful; it may actually be harmful and counteract changing the negative behavior. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that just as we must confess our sins, it is vital to put past sins out of our mind after we already have repented of them. Repeating confession of past sins is harmful because we are obligated to believe that our repentance is effective and cleanses us of our past failings. Continuing to feel guilty after proper repentance demonstrates a lack of belief in G-d and His goodness – in fulfilling His promise to fully forgive us (Sha’arei Teshuva 4:21). Correspondingly, scientific studies have proven that guilt can be toxic. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia. In EmunaHealing ‘guilt’ is one of the negative emotions that blocks us from fully absorbing Hashem’s light. Then why does it seem that Yosef’s brothers were overcome by feelings of guilt when Yosef accused them of being spies, put them in prison, and demanded that they bring Binyamin?

Can Guilt Feelings be Constructive?

ספר בראשית פרק מב פסוק כא 

וַיֹּאמְרוּ אִישׁ אֶל אָחִיו אֲבָל אֲשֵׁמִים אֲנַחְנוּ עַל אָחִינוּ אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ צָרַת נַפְשׁוֹ בְּהִתְחַנֲנוֹ אֵלֵינוּ וְלֹא שָׁמָעְנוּ עַל כֵּן בָּאָה אֵלֵינוּ הַצָּרָה הַזֹּאת: (כב) וַיַּעַן רְאוּבֵן אֹתָם לֵאמֹר הֲלוֹא אָמַרְתִּי אֲלֵיכֶם לֵאמֹר אַל תֶּחֶטְאוּ בַיֶּלֶד וְלֹא שְׁמַעְתֶּם וְגַם דָּמוֹ הִנֵּה נִדְרָשׁ:

“Then they said to one another, ‘Indeed, we are guilty regarding our brother, that we witnessed the distress of his soul when he begged us, and we did not listen. That is why this trouble has come upon us.’ And Reuven answered them, saying, ‘Didn't I tell you, saying, ‘Do not sin against the youth,’ but you did not listen? Behold, his blood, too, is being demanded!’” (Bereishit 42:21-22).

 IN THAT WE SAW THE DISTRESS OF HIS SOUL WHEN HE IMPLORED US - It is obvious that the brothers now realized that their cruelty towards Yosef was worse than the sale itself since it was their blood-brother who was imploring and fell before them, but they didn’t have compassion (Ramban, Bereishit 42:21). We learn from this story that when apparently undeserved troubles happen to a person, it is important to examine his past deeds to find out what sin, intentional or unintentional, could have caused G-d to bring this to his attention in such a manner so that he would repent his error (Radak, ibid.). Rabbeinu Bachaya praises the brothers for admitting their guilt saying, WE ARE GUILTY REGARDING OUR BROTHER - “It is the way of tzaddikim to confess their sins and accept the judgment upon themselves. Most people act upon the natural tendency to immediately blame the perpetrator for treating them seemingly unfairly. The brothers could have easily blamed the ‘Egyptian Superior’ for his unwarranted cruelty, rather than asking themselves, “why is Hashem letting this happen to me? What could I have done to deserve this?” Also, in EmunaHealing we help divert the attention – of the people we treat – away from the person who mistreated them, to redirect them to look inside themselves, asking their heart, “What can I learn from this painful happening?”

Why was the Brothers’ Guilt Constructive?
The brothers’ guilt feelings led them to true regret and a deeper level of teshuva not only for the sin of selling Yosef but also for a lack of compassion upon him, as Rambam teaches, teshuva pertains not only to actions but also for negative qualities and emotions (Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva 7:3). Yet, in my experience, many of us – especially women – suffer from excessive guilt feelings, which can become counterproductive when they lead us to feel unworthy. Such guilt can cause us to sink into a debilitating depression, disempowering us from rising to the challenge of implementing positive changes in our lives. While remorse of regret is the first step of teshuva, it is only required when it leads to a stronger commitment to change in the future. Otherwise, guilt often has the opposite effect and becomes harmful as the following example demonstrates. In a study of ‘victim impact panels’ used by courts to decrease drinking and driving, several speakers, who had either been seriously injured by an impaired driver or had a loved one who was seriously injured or killed by a drunk driver, shared how the calamity impacted their lives. Although the convicts reported feeling increased guilt and remorse about drinking and driving, no difference was found between those who received this intervention and those who did not. In fact, in some groups, having heard this presentation actually increased the chances that the participants would drive drunk! (Matis Shulman MD, Addiction Psychiatry Fellow at Columbia University Medical Center, Repentance Without Guilt). Differencing between toxic and constructive guilt boils down to adding the correct amount of spice to roast, which will enhance and bring out the flavor of the food rather than making it so spicy hot that it becomes unhealthy and indigestible. May we learn to reframe teshuva in a healthier and more productive way, where the goal is not guilt or self-flagellation, but rather assessment of past mistakes with a focus on self-improvement.

 EmunaHealing Exercise to Let go of Excessive Guilt
1. Sit in a relaxed position and close your eyes. Allow yourself to meditate in silence. Focus on your breath and set an intention to release excessive guilt.
2. Recall an incident in the recent past where you felt guilty. It may be a time when you raised your voice in an argument with a loved one, perhaps you were too judgmental and critical, or you feel guilty about overeating. Identify an instance where you experienced this feeling of guilt.
3. Envision the details about the incident that elicited your guilt feeling. Try to picture what actually happened as vividly as you can. You are not the event, argument, or guilt; you are merely witnessing what is happening from the perspective of your silent self.
4. Accept who you are and that what you did was meant to be. Then imagine how it would be possible to act differently in the future. Make a conscious decision to change your future response for the better.
5. Gradually allow your attention to enter your body. Become aware of the physical sensations that arise in your body because of the guilt feelings you’ve identified.
6. Let your attention pass through your body as you’re recalling this experience. Locate the sensations the memory brings up. Find where it is in your body you’re feeling and holding the guilt.
7. Now express that feeling. Place your hand on the part of your body where you sense that the feeling is located. Say it aloud: “It hurts here.” If you’re aware of more than one location for the pain, move your hand from place to place. At every location, pause for a moment and express what you’re feeling. Say, “It hurts here.”
8. Be aware that any painful feelings you experience are your feelings. These feelings are happening inside your body now as you remember the pain. While you’re remembering what happened, your body is reacting with muscle contractions and other responses within you.
9. You have a choice of how to interpret and respond to emotional turbulence. Recognizing this is taking responsibility for your feelings.
10. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you can also gain the power to make the pain and guilt melt away. You’re no longer blaming yourself or anyone else for having caused the pain, so you no longer need to depend on anyone else to make it go away. Hold that understanding in your consciousness for the next few moments.
11. Now prepare yourself to release the guilt. Place your attention on the part of your body where you’re holding the excessive guilt, and with every exhalation of your breath, have an intention of releasing that guilt. Just feel the painful sensation leaving your body with every breath. You may make an audible tone that resonates in that part of your body where the pain is localized to help loosen and lift the contraction away.
12. Keep in mind that no one can make you feel guilty. The real cause of your guilt was your own response. In your transformed state, you are now free. Imagine that you could speak to the person who was involved in the incident that made you feel guilty. What would you say to that person now? Share what happened without guilt, blame, or seeking approval. Whatever you say will be right for you.
13. Now you can celebrate your past painful guilt feelings as valuable steppingstones that brought you to a higher level of consciousness. What was previously a disconnected, destructive disabling guilt is now integrated and empowering for achieving your greater spiritual goal of teshuva. Instead of responding to the situation with a guilty consciousness, perpetuating the problem, you’ve turned it into an opportunity for spiritual transformation. That is something to celebrate! Go out for a nice dinner or buy yourself some flowers or a present to honor the new you!