How Can we Learn to Overcome the Damaging Quality of Jealousy?

Parashat Vayeshev

How Can we Learn to Overcome the Damaging Quality of Jealousy? 

How Could the Holy Tribes of Israel Succumb to the Negative Trait of Jealousy?
King Solomon, the wisest of all men wrote, “A sound heart is the life of the flesh, but envy is the rottenness of the bones” (Mishlei 14:30). An envious spirit can affect the health of a person’s brain, stomach, eyes, and heart. Jealousy is a negative character trait that many of us are struggling with. As teenagers, the pretty, popular girl in class that had it all, may have made us wonder if anyone ever would want to be a best friend. Or perhaps our sister’s FB posts get hundreds of likes whereas in order to get a handful of likes, we have to beg our friends. Besides affecting our health negatively, jealousy can also debilitate our relationships with others. Certified guided imagery therapist, Donna Fremon-Powell explains that emotions like anger, jealousy, hate, and resentment produce a chemical similar to arsenic. In other words, “Negative emotions are poisonous.” Realizing the damaging effect of jealousy on all levels, it is hard to believe that Yosef brothers – the holy tribes of Hashem – would succumb to such depravity. Rather than falling prey to the low, negative trait of jealousy, wouldn’t we expect the Children of Israel to work on themselves to eradicate any trace of petty envy? Furthermore, why would Ya’acov expose his favoritism of Yosef by giving him a distinguished cloak, and why would Yosef purposely provoke his brothers to become even more jealous, by telling them his dreams that alluded to his superiority over them?  

Yosef the Tzaddik – a Channel for Both Physical and Spiritual Sustenance

:ספר בראשית פרק לז פסוק ג: וְיִשְׂרָאֵל אָהַב אֶת יוֹסֵף מִכָּל בָּנָיו כִּי בֶן זְקֻנִים הוּא לוֹ וְעָשָׂה לוֹ כְּתֹנֶת פַּסִּים

(ד) וַיִּרְאוּ אֶחָיו כִּי אֹתוֹ אָהַב אֲבִיהֶם מִכָּל אֶחָיו וַיִּשְׂנְאוּ אֹתוֹ וְלֹא יָכְלוּ דַּבְּרוֹ לְשָׁלֹם:

“Israel loved Yosef more than all his sons, because he was a son of his old age; and he made him a fine striped coat. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him, and they could not speak with him peacefully” (Bereishit 37:3-4).

According to many holy books, the brothers hated Yosef specifically because they were jealous that their father loved him more than them. Netivot Shalom explains that Yosef in his capacity of “Tzaddik Yesod Olam” – “The Righteous foundation of the world” represents the sefirah of Yesod. Therefore, he has the power to bring down both physical and spiritual abundance to all of Israel, as long as they recognize him as the tzaddik and attach themselves to him. Ya’acov was aware of the righteousness of all his sons. He, therefore, didn’t expect them to become jealous, when he made it clear that Yosef was the tzaddik upon whom all their sustenance depended. Yosef too, illuminated this point to his brothers by telling them his dreams, so that they would attach themselves to him. The first dream about their sheaves bowing down to his indicates that Yosef is the one who brings down their physical sustenance. Yosef’s second dream about the stars bowing down to him alludes to spiritual sustenance, which is dependent on Yosef.

The ‘Jealousy’ of the Holy Tribes is Unlike the Jealousy of Common People

It was Hashem’s will that Yosef would go down to Egypt, in order to bring Ya’acov there in a respectful manner rather than bound by iron chains. Moreover, Yosef’s prior presence in Egypt would ensure the sustenance of Israel there. Yosef’s holiness and righteousness would shine through the husk of Egypt and pave the way for all the children of Israel to remain holy rather than assimilating, during their long servitude in decadent Egypt. For all these reasons, it was the Upper will that the brothers wouldn’t get the point of considering Yosef to be a tzaddik on a higher level than them. Due to the greatness of all the holy tribes, their ‘hatred’ and ‘jealousy’ is not to be understood in a regular way like the jealousy of common people. Rather, the brothers were indeed so holy that even their limbs didn’t depart from doing Hashem’s will to send Yosef to Egypt before they subsequently would become exiled there. Surely, when the brothers sold Yosef, their tears were flowing, but they couldn’t act differently. For it was Divinely intended so that Yosef would pave the way of righteousness and bring about their sustenance during the Egyptian exile (Netivot Shalom, Parashat Vayeshev pp. 245-246).

Don’t Let Yourself Go Astray After the Heart and Eyes of Jealousy!

Not everyone agrees with Netivot’s exoneration of the holy tribes. Although I very much resonate with his commentary, viewing the story from another perspective, it seems to me that the brothers’ jealousy was far from ideal. Hashem surely could have found more pleasant ways to ensure that Yosef, the Tzaddik, would descend to Egypt ahead of his family. Certainly, we regular people like you and me cannot trust that if we get jealous it’s an expression of the Upper will. There is only one kind of jealousy permitted and even encouraged in the Torah. That is קִנְאַת סוֹפְרִים/Kinat Sofrim, the kind of jealousy that spurs us to emulate the object of our jealousy and inspires us to grow in Torah and mitzvah observance (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Batra 21a). Any other kind of jealousy and envy is a poisonous emotion that has a negative effect on both body and soul. The social pain of jealousy is experienced in much the same way as physical pain. When a person is overcome by feelings of jealousy her amygdala together with other parts of the brain swing into high gear, explains neuroscientist Hidehiko Takahashi of Kyoto University. Jealousy also activates a fear reaction in the amygdala, triggering the fight-or-flight response that increases adrenaline production and causes a lack of appetite and nausea explains Frank John Ninivaggi, a psychiatrist at Yale’s Child Study Center. “You shall not wander after your hearts and after your eyes after which you are going astray” (Bamidbar 15:39). According to Jonathan Dvash, a neuroscientist at the University of Haifa, the sympathetic nervous system buckles under the stress of jealousy, quickening the heart and spiking blood pressure. Left unchecked over time, this could lead to hypertension and heart disease. Jealousy may also affect a person’s eyes when she constantly compares herself to others, finding herself staring down potential rivals.

EmunaHealing Exercise to Let go of Jealousy by Focusing on Your Personal Mission

1. Make yourself comfortable and pay attention to your breath. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and mindfully, inhale and exhale through your nose.

2. Focus on your special divine gifts and talents that you were born to share with the world. Envision yourself in the role of fulfilling your special dream to accomplish what you are meant to do on earth.

3. Imagine the steps you need to take to be successful in fulfilling your dream. It could be taking some courses, honing your skills by practicing on supporting people, or perhaps working on intermediate projects that will strengthen your ability to fulfill the more challenging tasks, you are meant to do.

4. Become aware of your authentic thoughts, feelings, and attitudes in the moment. Envision giving yourself permission to honestly express them – even if unpopular. Free yourself to let your own light shine.

5. וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ/V’ahavta l’reacha comocha – “Love your fellow like yourself…” (Vayikra 19:18). If you don’t love yourself, it’s impossible to love someone else. Visualize your own sweetness and allow your heart to be filled with love for yourself. 

6. Envision yourself engaged in activities that nourishes you. It could be nature hikes, painting, gardening, meditative movements, or any act of self-care that makes you too happy to entertain negative feelings for someone else.

7. Scan your social circle in your mind. How many of the people you spend time with are positive, life-affirming individuals who care to see you reach your fullest potential? How many are chronically unhappy, gossiping, haters? If you are surrounded by negative Nancy’s, it’s time to press the refresh button on your social circle.

8. Focus on all the things to be thankful for. It could be your ability to walk, learn and pray, your health your spouse if you have one, your home, and your access to healthy kosher food. Practicing gratitude makes it easier to focus on what you have, instead of what you don’t.

9. Let go of entitlement. As infants, we’re taught that the world revolves around us. While this lazy worldview works wonders as a baby, it can be disastrous as an adult. Breathe into the knowledge that no one is entitled to anything, everything is a gift! Envision yourself wanting something, being willing to sacrifice for it, and working hard to get it, rather than begrudging someone else who has it.

10. Stop comparing yourself to others. Why compare your insides to someone else’s outsides? On the outside, there will always be someone smarter, skinnier, richer, cuter, more spiritual, and more fabulous than you. But no one’s life is as perfect as it seems on the surface – or on Facebook.

11. Practice detachment. Imagine all the people, places, and things that you desire and are afraid to lose. Envision letting go of them one by one. Imagine moving through life freely, detached from the outcome of your actions, entirely at peace with Hashem’s will for you whatever it be.

12. Return to focusing on your inner self. Behind every jealous person is someone fundamentally angry at themselves for falling short of their own personal best. Allow yourself to get in touch with some of the deeper issues that may be weighing on your heart. By focusing on your spirit – the eternal part of you that transcends personality, your resumé, outer success, and failures – you’ll be less drawn to look outside for external, short-lived validation that will always fall short of satisfying the deepest yearnings of your soul.