What Can we Learn from Yosef about Wholehearted Forgiveness, Elevating Sparks and Engendering Spiritual and Physical Revival?

 

Parashat Vayigash
What Can we Learn from Yosef about Wholehearted Forgiveness, Elevating Sparks and Engendering Spiritual and Physical Revival?

The Challenge of Forgiving Family Abuse

Yosef is called Tzaddik Yesod Olam – ‘The Righteous Foundation of the World.’ (Zohar 3:236a). He is the channel through which all sustenance – both physical and spiritual – enters our world. One of Yosef’s admirable character traits – described in Parashat Vayigash – is his ability to forgive his brothers for nearly killing him by throwing him in a pit filled with snakes and scorpions (Rashi, Bereishit 37:24), and subsequently selling him at a tender age of 17 to become a slave in decadent Egypt. You can only imagine how difficult it must have been for Yosef to be separated from his entire family as the only Jew in Egypt surrounded by immoral people. He moreover had to spend 12 years in a dirty dungeon, due to no fault of his own. Even more painful is the awareness of the hatred and jealousy pestering among his blood-brothers that spurred them to treat Yosef so cruelly without a trace of compassion. The most challenging situation to forgive is for suffering abuse from one’s own family – whom we naturally expect to behave lovingly. Nevertheless, Yosef’s greatest greatness is his ability to completely forgive his brothers. We all know that whereas it is relatively easy to say the words “I forgive you,” it is so much harder to internally forgive and let go. Why is forgiveness so important? How do we know that Yosef truly forgave his brothers? And what gave him the strength to deeply and wholeheartedly forgive the injustice done to him by his own family? 

What is the Underlying Secret to Forgiveness?

We learn from Yosef that the key to forgiveness is to integrate the awareness that Hashem is in charge of everything that happens to us, while others are just puppets in His mighty hand. Therefore, we must believe that whatever injustice may have been done against us has an underlying spiritual reason, which we may or may not understand at any given moment. Yet, we must strengthen our emunah that for some unexplainable reason, whatever was done against us was meant to be for the greater good of the world, and even for the good of our own personal soul journey. Perhaps it was to be an atonement for sins we may not realize we have committed in this life or in a prior life. Perhaps going through the process of dealing with the abuse is a way to rectify our soul and the world around us. Yosef clearly realizes how all the pain he had suffered through his brothers was part of Hashem’s master plan for a higher purpose. Therefore, within this greater perspective, he is able to totally forgive regardless of how much he had been wronged.

Yosef’s Forgiveness is a Lifesaving Channel

One of the many occasions when Yosef expresses his weltanschauung of seeing Hashem in everything that happens to him, is when he reveals himself to his brothers noticing how “his brothers could not answer him because they were startled [and embarrassed] by his presence” (Bereishit 45:3). With as pure heart free of any trace of blame, Yosef is able to reassure his brothers – in a loving, compassionate tone – that he has completely forgiven them:

 בראשית פרק מה פסוק ה: וְעַתָּה אַל תֵּעָצְבוּ וְאַל יִחַר בְּעֵינֵיכֶם כִּי מְכַרְתֶּם אֹתִי הֵנָּה כִּי לְמִחְיָה שְׁלָחַנִי אֱלֹהִים לִפְנֵיכֶם... פסוק ז: וַיִּשְׁלָחֵנִי אֱלֹהִים לִפְנֵיכֶם לָשׂוּם לָכֶם שְׁאֵרִית בָּאָרֶץ וּלְהַחֲיוֹת לָכֶם לִפְלֵיטָה גְּדֹלָה:

“Now, be not distressed, or angry with yourselves because you sold me hither; it was to preserve life that G-d sent me ahead of you…G-d sent me ahead of you to ensure your survival on earth, and to save your lives in an extraordinary deliverance” (Bereishit 45:5,7).

It is interesting to note that the word לְמִחְיָה/lemichyah translated “to preserve life” has the same letters as מְחִילָה/mechilah – ‘forgiveness.’ Perhaps the reason why Yosef was chosen to preserve the life of the Jewish people was his ability to forgive. When we truly forgive, we preserve our own and the offender’s life. Holding on to grudges is holding on to the negative forces created by sin – to the sitra achra – ‘The other side.’ Through forgiving we allow the negative forces to vanish. This enables us to become a channel for positive influences from the source of life – Hashem. The word מְחִילָה/mechilah can further be unscrambled to חַי לָהֶם/chai lahem – “Life to them” – through forgiveness we grant the gift of life. The letters of the words לְמִחְיָה/ מְחִילָהalso equals the letters of לֶחֶ”ם יַ”ה/lechem Ya – ‘the bread of Hashem’ referring to spiritual sustenance. (The word לח”ם in addition has the gematria of 78= 3 x 26). As well-known twenty-six is the numerical value of Hashem’s four-lettered name. So, when we grant forgiveness, we infuse reality with a triple dose of divine influence. Perhaps we can say, one of Hashem’s names for the perpetrator – the one we need to forgive, one for the victim – the one who needs to forgive, and one for the process of forgiveness, which necessitates Hashem’s presence.

Elevating Holy Sparks Through Forgiveness
The Tiferet Shlomo explains that the underlying reason why Yosef had to be sent down to Egypt before the rest of his family was to elevate holy sparks. There were indeed many divine sparks embedded in Egypt, because the higher the spiritual entity, the lower it falls. (Egypt is both spiritually and topographically a very lowly place). When Yosef reassured his brothers that he didn’t hold a grudge against them, since he was aware that Hashem had sent him to Egypt to gather grain, so that he could save the lives of his family and the entire region during the famine, he was also alluding to his mission to revive the holy sparks sunken in the depths of the depravity of Egypt:

 ספר תפארת שלמה על התורה - פרשת ויגש ...לשום לכם שארית בארץ להמשיך נשמות קדושות וזהו ג"כ להחיות לכם לפליטה גדולה. פי' להחיות הני"ק הנפזרים במצרים ערות הארץ כי יוסף הצדיק העלה ר"ב ניצוצות כנודע (שם מא, מט) ויצבור יוסף ב"ר (שם מה, כח) ר"ב עוד יוסף בני חי. וזהו הטוב לישראל כי בעבור זה ירדו למצרים. וזהו לפליטה גדולה לשון פליטה מהחיצונים חיל בלע ויקיאנו (איוב כ, טו) להחיות עם ר"ב:

“…To ensure your survival on earth” – to draw down holy souls, this is also to save your lives for a great deliverance. “To save your lives” refers to the holy sparks scattered in Egypt. For Yosef, the righteous elevated רָב/rav – 202 sparks. It states that Yosef gatheredבָּר /bar – ‘grain’ which has the numerical value of 202. This is the benefit for Israel, for the sake of which they went down to Egypt. This is “a great deliverance,” from the extraneous forces, to revive a great nation (Tiferet Shlomo on the Torah, Parasha Vayigash). 

After eating from the Tree, Adam separated from his wife Chava for 130 years. During these years,his seeds – which weren’t planted in a woman – became lights lacking vessels. The lights in themselves were holy sparks, having emanated from the holy Adam, who was created directly by Hashem’s hand. Yet, they needed elevation and rectification, to eventually become embodied by the Jewish nation leaving Egypt (Arizal, Sha’ar Hagilgulim, Parashat Shemot). The key to elevating sparks is the ability to find Hashem even within the reality that seems furthest away and most detached from divinity. Yosef – who was a master in seeing Hashem within even the most challenging situations, and within the physical realms where Hashem is most hidden – was chosen to rectify these trapped sparks and truly give life to the future Jewish nation. Through seeing Hashem within the pain of his betrayal by his brothers, thereby extending them his wholehearted forgiveness, Yosef had the power to revive and gather the holy sparks that were scattered in Egypt for which sake they needed to go down and become exiled there.

Letting Go of the Grudge by Seeing the Underlying Divine Perspective

Let us learn from Yosef to view reality from its inner Divine perspective. When people hurt us, we can work on accepting that there is a higher Divine purpose for why we need to go through this challenge. We can also practice identifying people with their inner beauty and virtue and internalize that people hurt because they are hurting. Although certain actions can be terrible and inexcusable, the perpetrators of such actions are not to be forever defined by their mistakes. From an inner perspective, it is possible to recognize that even such people are also created in G-d’s image. Beyond the mean façade, we may find concealed beautiful human beings with unique virtues and qualities. We need to ask ourselves: what can I see in this person that is beautiful? When we start looking past exterior actions and instead, into the essence of people, a place of understanding and forgiveness can certainly be found. When we feel hurt, insulted, or deceived, instead of jumping to judging and blaming, we have the opportunity to explore and seek the good points of our opponent. To access these positive points, it may be helpful to ask ourselves questions such as: What can I see in this person that is pure and G-dly? How can I perceive that what this person did to me was not necessarily a reflection of who he really is? Through digging deeper in search of the divine aspect of those who have caused us pain, we will be walking in Yosef’s footsteps on the true trail of forgiveness. 

EmunaHealing Exercise to Seek the Divine Aspect of Your Offender
1. Allow yourself to relax into your breath. Close your eyes and lean back while inhaling and exhaling gently. Acknowledge the hurt you have suffered. Recall who hurt you and why they did it? Envision the context of the situation, and when it happened.

2. Consider how the hurt and pain have affected you. How has the pain changed you? How detrimental was the person’s mistake to your life or to someone else’s?

3. Accept that what happened to you is from Hashem for a higher purpose. Realize that your anger and blame toward the person who wronged you won’t reverse the past or undo your suffering and pain.

4. Allow yourself to regard the person who wronged you with eyes of kindness, looking beyond the surface to access her good points and recognize her redeeming qualities.

By giving the benefit of the doubt, you can learn to see the person who caused you pain with different eyes.

5. Only by reconnecting with Hashem can you renew the love that is due to your fellow Jew.

Notice that the last part of the verse “V’ahavta l’re’echa kemocha” is “Ani Hashem” (Vayikra 19:17-18). To truly forgive and rebuild love and friendship we need to see Hashem in the other person. 

6. Visualize Hashem’s four-lettered name Yud/Key/Vav/Key on the body of the person who wronged you. Envision the letter י/yud – any place on her head it could be a small yud on her forehead or the yud could fill her entire head. Envision how Hashem’s light illuminates the yud and head of the person who wronged you.

7.  Now visualize the letter ה/heh of Hashem’s name on her shoulders and arms. The reversed L part of the heh is her shoulder and right arm, while the smaller detached part of the heh is her left arm. See Hashem’s light shining through the letter heh of His name, illuminating the shoulders and arms of the person you want to forgive.

8. The straight line of the ו/vav becomes the spine of the person you are forgiving. Hashem’s light shines through it and makes her spine exude compassionate light.

9. The last ה/heh of Hashem’s name illuminates the pelvis and legs of the person you have forgiven. The last ה/heh of Hashem’s name guides her every step.

10. You are finally able to forgive by seeing Hashem’s light through the person. Now it’s time to repair and rebuild the connection with the person you have forgiven. Envision yourself engaged in acts of repairing such as speaking kind words, simple gestures, or even gifts.

11. Have you learned new lessons about what forgiveness means to you? How does forgiveness not only benefit others but mainly yourself?

12. You may feel like verbally forgiving the person, even if you do not expect a kind response.  When you have integrated the meaning of true forgiveness, then the reaction of the one you have forgiven won’t really matter. What will matter is that you have found a way to let go and move on.