Parashat Chukat: A Tribute to Miriam – The Provider of the Eternal Well of Emunah

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Parashat Chukat
A Tribute to Miriam – The Provider of the Eternal Well of Emunah 

Why do We Appreciate Something or Someone So Much More When They are Gone?

“You only appreciate something when you lose it” seems to be a universal principle. How many times has it happened that you held on to an item – be it a garment or a cooking utensil or whatnot – although you hadn’t needed it for years? Then after you finally gave or threw the item away, the very next day you urgently need it!  Unfortunately, we also often truly appreciate people after they are gone. Many great authors like H.C. Andersen, only received their due credit posthumously.  I realize how much I often appreciate the contribution of certain students especially after they have left. For example, we have a wonderful, modest student who went abroad to visit her family for an extended time. As soon as she was gone, the cleanliness of the midrasha kitchen and Beit Midrash fell apart. None of us had realized how hard this student worked to take out the compost and garbage, sweep, mop, clean up the stray mugs from the classroom, do the dishes, organize the books, and more. She did her work quietly without taking any personal credit. When our youngest son took a while to get married, it seemed a bit of a nuisance to keep providing him with room and board for so many years. Only after he got married and left us empty nesters, did we truly appreciate all his many contributions, and we still miss his daily presence dearly. I especially recall working at my desk and hearing my son’s singsong of his Torah learning from his adjacent room. Pesach preparations this year were also overwhelming without his help, and with no one to clean ‘his own room.’ At this moment, I’m praying for the return of the internet or to be able to complete my blog without the internet. I’m counting the hours that Netfiber has been down which so far amounts to 15, it seems that there is only one thing more vital for survival than the internet, which we may all take for granted until it runs out, as we have experienced in our neighborhood at the most inconvenient occasions. Yes, you guessed it, when the water pipes have broken down we all cry out “Water, water!”

Miriam Perpetually Answers the Cry for Water
This cry – although less severe – echoes the cry of our forefathers in the wilderness, after Miriam’s burial:

במדבר פרק כ:א-ב וַיָּבֹאוּ בְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל כָּל הָעֵדָה מִדְבַּר צִן בַּחֹדֶשׁ הָרִאשׁוֹן וַיֵּשֶׁב הָעָם בְּקָדֵשׁ. וַתָּמָת שָׁם מִרְיָם וַתִּקָּבֵר שָׁם: ב) וְלֹא הָיָה מַיִם לָעֵדָה. וַיִּקָּהֲלוּ עַל משֶׁה וְעַל אַהֲרֹן: ג) וַיָּרֶב הָעָם עִם משֶׁה וַיֹּאמְרוּ לֵאמֹר וְלוּ גָוַעְנוּ בִּגְוַע אַחֵינוּ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: (ד) וְלָמָה הֲבֵאתֶם אֶת קְהַל הָשֵׁם אֶל הַמִּדְבָּר הַזֶּה לָמוּת שָׁם אֲנַחְנוּ וּבְעִירֵנוּ: 

“Then the children of Israel, with the whole congregation, to the desert of Tzin, on the first of the month: and the people dwelled in Kadesh.” Miriam died there and was buried there, and there was no water for the congregation. They then assembled against Moshe and Aharon. The people quarreled with Moshe saying, ‘If only we had perished when our brothers perished before Hashem.’  Why have you brought Hashem’s congregation into this wilderness for us and our animals to die there?” (Bamidbar 20:1-2).

The Talmud asks why the lack of water is mentioned immediately after Miriam’s death. Rabbi Yossi answers that of the three miraculous gifts in the wilderness, the well was in the merit of Miriam. When Miriam died, the well subsided, as it is written: “Miriam died there.” This is followed by, “Then there was no water for the congregation” (Babylonian Talmud Ta’anit 9a). This is to teach us, that during the entire forty years, the Jewish people were blessed with the well of water in Miriam’s merit (Rashi, Bamidbar 20:2). Only after Miriam’s passing was it discovered that the well was in her merit. For more than 38 years, the Well of Miriam accompanied the Israelites’ desert wandering, without Miriam ever receiving the slightest credit, or gratitude for it from any of the Israelites. The water that the people had enjoyed all these years was due to the merit of Miriam who had stood by watching what would happen to her infant brother when he was in a basket in the reeds at the edge of the river (Shemot 2:4). G-d rewarded her for that act of kindness by making her the water provider for Moshe’s people. The people didn’t appreciate this until the well ceased with Miriam’s death (Rabbeinu Bachaya, Bamidbar 20:2).

The Concealed Well of Miriam

The first time we hear about Miriam’s Well is in Refidim, when Hashem tells Moshe to hit a certain rock that would spring forth water. That was the well of Miriam (Shemot 17:1-7). “This rock at Refidim was the same rock we encountered almost 40 years later at Kadesh. This was also the source of the well of Miriam which traveled with the Israelites through the desert during all those years” (Rabbeunu Bachaya, Shemot 17:6). On the surface it seemed that Moshe brought the well as he was the one who hit the rock that gushed forth water. No one had any idea that the well was in the merit of Miriam until she died. We also don’t hear a word of Miriam taking credit for the well. She modestly concealed her greatness, allowing her brothers to stand in the limelight. With a soft motherly caress, she sweetened Israelites’ bitterness and provided sweet waters.

Sweetening the Bitterness of Doubt with Waters of Emunah

The thirst for water caused Israel to doubt Hashem: “Is Hashem among us or not?” (Shemot 17:7). The consequence of this heresy appears in the following Torah verse: “Amalek came and fought with Israel in Refidim” (Shemot 17:8). Amalek is the exterior reflection of the piercing doubt in their heart, as the gematria of עֲמָלֵק/Amalek = סָפֵק/safek – ‘doubt.’ The inner conquest over doubting Hashem happened when the people drank from Miriam’s well: …Before they drank from the well, what did they say? “Is Hashem among us or not?” (Shemot 17:7). After they drank, they said, “All that Hashem spoke we will do and we will hear” (Shemot 24:7); (Midrash (Shocher Tov), Tehillim 5). מִרְיָם /Miriam strengthened the people against doubt and Amalek as the gematria of both the first part of her name and Amalek is מר/mar – ‘bitter.’ Miriam’s well not only satiated the Israelites’ thirst but moreover, provided them with the spiritual nutrients of emunah, which sweetened their spiritual bitterness. After Egypt had imbittered their lives for so long, the Israelites needed Miriam to soothe their pain. Sweetening and soothing the pain is exactly the job of Puah to soothe the crying babies. Puah: This was Miriam, [called Puah] because she cried (פּוֹעָה/poah), talked and cooed to the newborn infant in the manner of women who soothe a crying infant (Rashi, Shemot 1:15). Miriam was the spiritual midwife who appeased and soothed the people newborn from the womb of Egypt.

Where is Miriam’s Well Today?
Parashat Chukat teaches us that Miriam’s well provides faithful nourishment even to this day.

ספר במדבר פרק כא פסוק יח בְּאֵר חֲפָרוּהָ שָׂרִים כָּרוּהָ נְדִיבֵי הָעָם בִּמְחֹקֵק בְּמִשְׁעֲנֹתָם וּמִמִּדְבָּר מַתָּנָה: (יט) וּמִמַּתָּנָה נַחֲלִיאֵל וּמִנַּחֲלִיאֵל בָּמוֹת: (כ) וּמִבָּמוֹת הַגַּיְא אֲשֶׁר בִּשְׂדֵה מוֹאָב רֹאשׁ הַפִּסְגָּה וְנִשְׁקָפָה עַל פְּנֵי הַיְשִׁימֹן:

“A well dug by princes, carved out by nobles of the people, through the lawgiver with their staffs, and from the desert, a gift. From the gift to the streams, and from the streams to the heights. From the heights to the valley in the field of Moav, at the top of the peak, that overlooks הַיְשִׁימֹן/hayeshimon – ‘the wastelands’” (Bamidbar 21:18-20).

Although Miriam’s name is not mentioned, our sages explain that the well described here is the well of Miriam. Just as she didn’t receive credit for the well while being alive, so did the Israelites praise Hashem for the well, without mentioning her name. Rather they attributed the well to the princes referring to Moshe and Aharon (Rashi, Bamidbar 12:18 based on the Midrash). Describing the healing properties of Miriam’s well, the following midrash also confirms that the well dug by the princes indeed is the Well of Miriam. It happened that someone who suffered from boils went down to immerse himself in the waters of Tiberias. It was a favorable time, and he saw Miriam’s well, washed in it, and was healed. Where is the well of Miriam? Rabbi Chia bar Abba said, it states, “Look down on the face of Yeshimon” (Bamidbar 21:20). Whoever ascends the mountain of Yeshimon and sees something like a small sieve in the lake of Tiberias, this is the well of Miriam… (Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 22:4). Even in our day and age, “some have a tradition to draw water Motzei Shabbat because Miriam’s well supplies all the wells each Saturday night, and one who does so and drinks will be cured of illness” (Kol Bo, Orach Chaim, 299:10). Miriam’s well is said to feed the waters of Israel’s most important water reserve nowadays, the Kinneret (Sea of Galilee), while hidden in its depths. Rabbi Chiya said, Miriam’s well is a type of sieve located in the Mediterranean Sea. Rav said, Miriam’s well is mobile and pure (Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 35a).

Keeping the Spirit of Israel Alive Through Maintaining Miriam’s Well
The fact that Miriam’s well is mobile and changes location teaches us that Miriam’s power enlightens everywhere. Miriam is herself the well that gives water. She strengthens “those who sow with tears,” in bitterness to “reap in ringing song.” Believing in the Master of the Universe and continuing to sow – is the power of Miriam (Rav Nir Minussi, Mi Zot Olah, p.217). The well of Miriam is implanted within the people of Israel through the righteous women of all generations. This is the basic inner power of the people, hidden within the daughters of Israel who are greatest in their emunah and greatest in their power to endure. They do not break but continue and build the coming generations and the chain of generations of the Jewish people. Just as Miriam embodied the character trait of kindness, when as a young midwife, she kept the babies alive and supplied them with food (Shemot 1:17; Sotah 11b), so did the well supply the Jewish people with all their needs. Thus, in the merit of Miriam, the well sustained the Jewish people with water in the wilderness. Water symbolizes life, since nothing can grow without water. The nurturing quality of water associated with Miriam is a feminine quality. Women keep the Jewish people alive. Without the perpetual kindness of women pouring out like a bottomless well, nothing would be able to be conceived, born, or kept alive (Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, Women at the Crossroads, Parashat Chukat, p. 145). Let us keep Miriam’s Well of emunah flowing! 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Chukat –

Some Tips for Cultivating Gratitude During Hardships

Humans are unique creatures, who often only fully appreciate what we have once it’s gone. We take things for granted and only understand their value once we lose them. We start to value things only when we experience the pain of losing someone or something, and then we realize their worth. “People can get so self-absorbed chasing their desires that they take the special people in their life for granted. This reality hits hard when a person passes on because the opportunity to love and appreciate is over then. Nothing can be done anymore. The guilty feelings and thoughts of ‘could’ve and should’ve’ take hold. In losing someone all the trivial barriers held against the person dissolve and become meaningless. We are reminded of death as the great equalizer. The illusion of conflict is over, and the ego is left with nothing to fight against. Truth is finally allowed to flow. You see the person as they really are…. far bigger than the petty issues your ego led you to fixate on” (Mandy Wessen).

• Work on Valuing Yourself – To genuinely respect and appreciate others, you must first value yourself enough to respect and appreciate who you are. This is because your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. To change your experiences, you must start by changing your personal beliefs and attitudes to align with what you wish to experience.

• Remind Yourself to be Grateful – take just a little bit of time to remind yourself to appreciate all the people and things we may take for granted without valuing them properly. Send them thoughts of appreciation regularly, preferably daily, for example, your health. You definitely appreciate being in good health while you have it. The more you value it the more you will be able to keep it. 

• Take an Object (Anything You Choose) – associate it with being grateful for being healthy and place it somewhere you see it every morning.
  
  
• Write in Your Gratitude Notebook “I am grateful to be happy” – I recommend at least ten times. In addition, if you have ten things in mind that you are grateful for, perhaps you can write about one of these things each day.
  
  
• Make an ‘I am grateful to be happy’ Poster – Post it somewhere you see it every morning like your mirror, put it on your cellphone or next to it the night before, and put it on a door you open at the time you want to exercise your gratitude.
  
  
• Set an Alarm on Your Cellphone – with a push-through message – to the time you want to be reminded to pay attention to the people you are grateful for in your life. 

Parashat Korach: What is the Small Adjustment of Attitude that Could Have Prevented Korach’s Rebellion?

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Parashat Korach
What is the Small Adjustment of Attitude that Could Have Prevented Korach’s Rebellion? 

Why Would we want to Believe that “I’m Getting More Than I Deserve?”                                    Looking for an inspiring YouTube while making challot, Hashem guided me to a short recording by Rabbi Manis Friedman, which connected to gratitude. The basic message was, “Don’t pursue happiness, allow it to happen while being enthusiastic about the things you are doing, or do the things you are enthusiastic about.” The recipe for happiness that the Rabbi shared is, cultivating an attitude of “I’m getting more than I deserve.” Although my husband disputed this concept, saying that working hard to deserve things in life makes people feel happy, I perceive truth on both sides. My husband is relating to the issue from the perspective of our actions, and I certainly agree that it’s commendable to work hard and then allow ourselves a well-deserved vacation. Yet from the perspective of receiving blessings and goodness in life, if we believe that we are getting less than we deserve, we will be constantly unhappy, thinking that life is unfair and that we have drawn the shortest straw. This mindset often leads people to become envious and compare themselves with others, thinking: “How come my neighbor is more successful, has a better job, and is more respected, although I’m working just as hard, and am at least as talented?” Feeling that we deserve all our gifts of life stems from an attitude of – as we say in Hebrew – מַגִּיעַ לִי/magia li – literally, “I have it coming to me!” Why should I be happy or grateful when things are going well? Don’t I deserve it? Why should I be thankful if I have earned the goodness I gained? These attitudes can lead to arrogance. Whenever I’m upset with my husband who doesn’t always understand me, or I experience minor marriage problems such as being criticized and accused of being critical, I must remind myself that I’m still getting more than I deserve. Baruch Hashem my husband isn’t abusive, he is faithful and never looks at other women, and what’s more, he usually dotes on me! Only when we realize that no one can ever deserve any of the gifts of life with which Hashem blesses us, can we truly feel grateful and happy. When we lower our expectations of what we deserve, we will welcome each surprising blessing with overflowing gratitude. 

Every Blessing is Bestowed According to Precise Divine Supervision                                                  In certain situations, it’s easy to forget that Hashem is in charge of EVERYTHING and that what we receive for good or bad is according to precise Divine Supervision. Sometimes we may feel slighted, when others are remiss in giving us the gifts, or the applause we think we deserve. This reminds me of a story I heard from a recording by Sara Cohen on Torah Anytime. A certain respected Rabbi was invited to a wedding. Since he was a very good friend of both the family of the Chatan (groom) and the Kallah (bride), he surely expected to receive the honor of reciting one of the sheva brachot (blessings) under the Chuppah (wedding canopy).  He was waiting patiently, but the brachot were given to others one by one. Finally, they got up to the final sheva bracha, but someone else was called up to recite it. When he was absent, they called a second person who had just stepped out due to an urgent phone call, and the third person they called up was somehow delayed. Now, our Rabbi friend of the family could easily fall into the pitfall of thinking “What’s going on here? Do the families not consider me a close friend? Have they forgotten about all I have done for them throughout all the years I have known them? Why don’t they even consider me worthy to be the substitute for the substitute reciting a blessing for the couple?” Finally, when three other rabbis were unavailable, the said Rabbi friend heard his name called, and he went up to the Chuppah to give his blessing to the new couple. As he returned to his place, the person standing next to him whispered into his ear:                                               

תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף לח/א-ב מִכָּאן אָמַר בֶּן עַזַּאי: בְּשִׁמְךָ יִקְרָאוּךְ, וּבִמְקוֹמְךָ יוֹשִׁיבוּךְ, וּמִשֶּׁלְּךָ יִתְּנוּ לְךָ. אֵין אָדָם נוֹגֵעַ      בַּמּוּכָן לַחֲבֵירוֹ, וְאֵין מַלְכוּת נוֹגַעַת בַּחֲבֶרְתָּהּ אֲפִילּוּ כִּמְלֹא נִימָא... “                                                                                  Ben Azzai said: “by your name, they shall call  you,  and in your place, they shall seat you, and from your own they shall give you. Not one reign overlaps with another and deducts even a hairbreadth from  the time allotted” (Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 38a-b).b

In other words, we should not be concerned that others might usurp our livelihood or success, since at the appropriate moment, everyone has a portion designated for him by G-d, and everyone is privileged to receive what is coming to him. The principle is: No person may touch what is prepared for another by G-d. Everyone receives what is designated for him. This implies that the last sheva bracha had the name of the Rabbi-family-friend written on it. If the blessing wasn’t designated for him, one of the others called up would have gotten it. Hashem made it so that each of the others was unavailable for various reasons, just so that this particular Rabbi would be the one reciting the last bracha under the chuppah, as he was meant to do. 

My Student’s First Spelt Challah Gift is Surely More Than I Deserve                                              This Talmudic teaching has helped bring me back on track when – at times – I may have felt jealous of others who seemingly were chosen over me as teachers, mentors, or healers, or when the younger brothers of my son’s friends got married one by one while he remained single. (B”H he is now married to a wonderful young woman who was worth the wait!). The other day, when we had the thank you luncheon for the host families in Bat Ayin who graciously open their homes and hearts to welcome our students for Shabbat meals, was a testing moment. The students had made beautifully decorated goody bags for each host family with handwritten thank-you notes. What a beautiful gesture! Had it not been for recalling the above mentioned Talmudic teaching from Yoma, I may have felt left out, thinking, “Why didn’t I get a decorated bag with a handwritten thank-you-note? After all, my husband and I open our home to the students, no less than the other host families.” But I believe I passed the test, focusing on how nice it was that my students expressed genuine gratitude to the families in Bat Ayin who keep hosting them. I’m considered more like the mom that you are always welcome to eat by. Having a welcoming home for students is part of the Rebbetzin role. It’s expected and not anything exceptional that warrants special recognition. I remained happy because even without a special decorated bag, I recognized that I was getting more than I deserved thank G-d. as I write these lines, I’m interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by an SMS “Are you home? I’m outside the door, I wanna give you something!” It’s one of my dear students holding an immense whole-spelt sourdough aromatic challah giving off the delicious scent of Shabbat. “It’s my first challah and I wanted to give it to you! Enjoy! With all my love🤍Thank you for everything!” she says with a hug. Here I got my confirmation! Hashem knows what He is doing. He ensures that everyone gets what’s due to them, as it states, “…and from your own they shall give you…” (Yoma 38). Nevertheless, I am overwhelmed with a grateful feeling that I surely am getting more than I deserve! 

Korach’s Rebellion was due to Feeling that He was Getting Less Than He Deserved  

ספר במדבר פרק טז פסוק א וַיִּקַּח קֹרַח בֶּן יִצְהָר בֶּן קְהָת בֶּן לֵוִי וְדָתָן וַאֲבִירָם בְּנֵי אֱלִיאָב וְאוֹן בֶּן פֶּלֶת בְּנֵי רְאוּבֵן:

“Korach the son of Yitzhar, the son of Kahat, the son of Levi took [himself to one side] along with Datan and Aviram, the sons of Eliav, and On the son of Pelet, descendants of Reuven” (Bamidbar 16:1).

Rashi asked, Now, what made Korach decide to quarrel with Moshe? He envied the chieftainship of Elizaphan the son of Uziel whom Moshe appointed as president over the sons of Kahat by the [Divine] word. Korach claimed, “My father and his brothers were four.” …Amram was the first, and his two sons received greatness, Moshe became the king, and Aharon Kohen Gadol. Who is entitled to receive the second position? Is it not I, who am the son of Yitzhar, the second brother to Amram? And yet, Moshe appointed the son of his youngest brother to become the president of the tribe of Levy! I oppose him and will invalidate his word (Midrash Tanchuma Korach 1, Midrash Rabbah 18:2). 

Korach is an example of someone who feels he is getting less than he deserves. He was a great Torah scholar, seemingly more suitable for the position as president of the tribe of Levi than his youngest cousin. Therefore, it didn’t make sense to him that he wasn’t chosen. Here is where emunah comes in! No matter whether it makes sense or not, we must recall the Talmudic teaching that everyone receives the precise portion metered out by Divine decree. By refusing to accept that each person gets exactly what Hashem ordains, Korach caused himself and his cohorts tremendous aggravation, in his unbridled honor-seeking, he brought everyone to meet their untimely death and to be taken out of the world as it states: 

משנה מסכת אבות פרק ד משנה כא רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר הַקַּפָּר אוֹמֵר, הַקִּנְאָה וְהַתַּאֲוָה וְהַכָּבוֹד מוֹצִיאִין אֶת הָאָדָם מִן הָעוֹלָם:

Rabbi Elazar Ha-kappar said: envy, lust, and honor-[seeking] takes a person out of the world (Pirkei Avot 4:21). 

Since envy, lust, and honor-seeking stem from a feeling of lack – of getting less than we deserve – this attitude interferes with the ability to function in this world, as well as making a person lose entrance into the world-to-come. The world cannot suffer the existence of such a person. Although G-d is not so quick to “remove sinners from the world,” those who are driven by these negative character traits of envy, lust, and honor-seeking cannot remain in the world because they are so self-destructive that they actively remove themselves from the world. Had Korach cultivated an attitude of, “I am getting more than I deserve,” he could have saved his own life and that of all his 252 followers. Perhaps when reading this, even my husband will agree that this dictum is the secret to living meaningful, happy, long lives in this world and the next!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Korach –

Some Tips for Being Happy with Our Portion

It takes work to continually live by “I’m getting more than I deserve” and remain happy with our portion even when things don’t play out according to our preference. It takes great humility to perpetually accept that Hashem is the Boss and whatever He meters out to us, is exactly what we need even to a hair’s breadth. Let us practice some of these tools perhaps with a partner, even a phone partner. In addition to Partners in Torah let us become Partners in Gratitude! 

• Practice Gratitude – Take time to appreciate the things you have in your life, no matter how small they may seem. Maintain a gratitude journal where you can write down things you are grateful for each day. A journal is a good way to organize your thoughts, analyze your feelings, and make plans. You don’t have to be a literary genius or write volumes to benefit. It can be as simple as jotting down a few thoughts before you go to sleep. If putting certain things in writing makes you nervous, you can always shred it when you’ve finished. It’s the process that counts.

• Foster Positive Relationships – Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who bring out the best in you. Cultivate meaningful friendships and spend time with loved ones who make you feel good about yourself and your portion in life.

• Practice Self-Care – Pay attention to your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Get enough sleep, eat nutritious food, and engage in regular physical activity. Take time for activities that you enjoy and that help you relax and recharge.

• Set Goals to Feel Enthusiastic About What you are Doing or to Do What you are Enthusiastic About – Set realistic goals for yourself and work towards achieving them. Having a sense of purpose and actively pursuing your passions and interests can contribute to a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness with your portion.

• Find Joy in Simple Things – Learn to appreciate and find joy in simple pleasures and everyday experiences. It could be spending time in nature, enjoying a hobby, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and contentment.

• Engage in Chesed to Help Others – Engage in acts of kindness and service towards others. Helping others not only makes a positive impact on their lives but also brings a sense of fulfillment and happiness with your portion.

• Focus on the Positive – Train your mind to focus on the positive aspects of life rather than dwelling on the negatives. Keep repeating to yourself “I’m getting more than I deserve!” Practice positive self-talk and challenge negative thoughts or self-doubt.

Parashat Shelach Lecha: How can we Learn to Deal with Personal Interactions Without Speaking or Accepting Lashon Hara (Evil Speech)

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Parashat Shelach Lecha 

How can We Learn to Deal with Personal interactions Without Speaking or Accepting Lashon Hara 

Is it Permitted to Agree to Your Friend’s Lashon Hara to Comfort Her? 

I’m so grateful for my wonderful staff and students. Even when I must deal with boring administrative tasks or challenging situations, I always remind myself how it’s such a zchut (privilege) to be able to teach and mentor such beautiful neshamot and help enable them to make their Torah home in Israel. Over the years I have learned so much from my students, and the challenging situations have taught me to grow in my own character, avoid taking things personally, and be less judgmental and more loving, compassionate, and understanding. Among the challenging situations, I recall a student (let’s call her Devorah) who had a conflict with one of my prior madrichot several years ago. The madricha (student counselor) had set her up for Shabbat meals with families in the community, but it happened once that Devorah changed plans a few times and then canceled one of the meals she had asked to be set up for at the last minute. While Devorah expressed that she didn’t think it was a big deal to cancel, the madricha was frustrated by the entire back and forth, and she told her that she no longer would continue to arrange meals for her in the community. This was so upsetting to Devorah, that she went to seek comfort by venting to her friends. When Devorah told me that her friends shared negative feelings and complaints about the madricha, calling her “condescending and mean,” I explained that this was lashon hara (evil speech). Any student who finds fault with a staff member or anyone at B’erot should come directly to me. It is permitted and considered for a beneficial purpose to report to the director since she is responsible for taking care of such matters. Yet, it is absolutely forbidden and lashon hara to the greatest degree for a student to talk negatively to another student about a B’erot staff member (or about anyone). Devorah argued that she had heard from numerous Torah teachers that “talking about your feelings with a friend in this way is ok since it helps you process your emotions and feel better sooner. If you get bullied by someone, and your friends support you and validate that that person is a bully, this would not be considered Lashon Hara” she claimed. I sadly didn’t get a chance to respond.  However, being aware of the complexities of the laws of guarding your tongue, I’d like to discuss the blind spots of this statement according to the principles of the Chafetz Chaim, how it plays out in Parashat Shelach Lecha and how developing gratitude can help us avoid speaking lashon hara. 

Is it Permitted to Vent to a Friend About Being Treated Unjustly by a Fellow Jew?                     The need to vent is common especially among women, as we tend to be easily emotionally affected, and need to process our emotions before a listening ear (what are husbands for?). So, if you are a single woman, venting your hurt feelings to your friends is natural. A highly negative experience can cause much harm and sharing it with a spouse, or a close friend can be essential to getting over it smoothly. If the negative tale is required – a shower/sleep won’t do the job – and it is related in the spirit of processing emotions, rather than as hateful and spiteful speech, it would possibly be exempted from the prohibition of lashon hara. Yet certain conditions must be met to make venting negative feelings permissible. I once heard from a tape by Rabbi Kessing that even if venting may be permitted, who told you, you can be an air conditioner?! Based on what I have learned from the Chafetz Chaim I understand from this statement that you must choose the people you vent to carefully. It is preferable to vent to a husband, a mentor, a therapist, or any trusted person who will help you see a greater perspective and grow from the incident. Venting to someone who may already feel negatively about the person you feel unjustly treated by is the worst choice. She is expected to agree with you, validating your right to be upset with the person, and adding her own negative feelings about that person. This not only doesn’t help you keep the mitzvah of “giving the benefit of the doubt,” and move on, but it actually encourages and reinforces your negative feelings toward a fellow Jew. Venting to this kind of friend also prevents you from fulfilling the mitzvah of “loving your fellow Jew like yourself.”

Some Suggestions on How to Vent Your Feelings in a Permitted Way                                            Chafetz Chaim delineates the principles of when speaking derogatorily for a beneficial purpose is permitted in Laws of Lashon Hara Chapter 10, part 14. I’ll share some of Chafetz Chaim’s limitations in my own words on how to vent in a permitted way. First of all, your need to feel better by venting must not be at the expense of putting someone else down or even worse causing a fellow Jew damage, such as monetary loss, or defaming her. If you have other options to make yourself feel better, try them before venting to others. We have all inherited a natural tendency to blame others and defend ourselves from Adam and Eve in the garden. To bring the Geulah we must work on overcoming this tendency by giving the benefit of the doubt. Before talking to someone else, calmly reexamine the scenario to determine if you are truly right and if the other person’s action was indeed unwarranted. Whenever possible try to speak directly and respectfully to the person who has made you uncomfortable before talking about her to others. When speaking with ‘the perpetrator’ use ‘I statements’ rather than accusations. Explain how her actions or words made you uncomfortable and sincerely ask her to explain why she acted or spoke this way rather than blaming her. This usually accomplishes either that the person apologizes or that she explains herself in a way that helps you understand her perspective so that you realize why she had to act as she did. Thus, speaking directly with the person who upset you can help you to forgive and move on. If you must vent to another person to make yourself feel better and bounce back quicker, choose only one person to vent to (don’t be an air conditioner). When you speak to your chosen person, don’t exaggerate. Only tell her the minimum essential information necessary to help you feel better. Leave out any unnecessary details that would only show the person in a worse light. 

How May You Respond When Someone is Venting Her Hurt Feelings to You?                        Sometimes it is a mitzvah to hear Lashon Hara talk if you reckon that you will be able to show the speaker or other people present that the story was not as reported or alleviate its severity in some other way. It is also a mitzvah to listen if you reckon that by listening you will be able to quiet the speaker’s anger so that she does not repeat the story to others (who may believe it). This will promulgate peace among Jews. Of course, you must never actually believe the lashon hara (Hilchot Lashon Hara, Chapter 6, section 4). It is forbidden according to Torah Law to accept Lashon Hara, we should not believe that the story is true, because by doing so we lower our opinion of the subject. [It is even forbidden] if the listener doesn’t explicitly agree with the speaker’s story – but if he does agree with the story, he doubles the violation, for the listener becomes a speaker [by voicing agreement] as well as accepting the Lashon Hara. One who accepts Lashon Hara violates the prohibition “Lo tisa shema shav – Do not raise a false report” (Shemot 23:1). Applying these principles to our introductory story, it becomes clear that Devorah’s friends who validated her negative feelings against the madricha by agreeing with her and even adding their own negative experiences with the said person were guilty of accepting lashon hara, as well as speaking it. (In Hebrew the word for believing לקבל/lekabel means both to believe and to accept). Accepting/believing in lashon hara is one of the 17 Torah prohibitions a person can transgress through lashon hara, besides the 14 positive mitzvot a speaker for lashon hara may violate. Even if you are permitted to listen to the negative report, you must never believe it is true, for there are always two sides to any story. 

Kalev – the Role Model for How to Respond to a Negative Report                                                Parashat Shelach Lecha recounts how Kalev responded to the spies’ negative report. He was able to silence the people when they were speaking against Moshe, by making belief he was on their side but then turning the story around to teach the spies gratitude toward their leader and their G-d. He cried out, “Is this the only thing the son of Amram has done to us?” Anyone listening might have thought that he intended to disparage him, and since there was [resentment] in their hearts against Moshe because of the spies’ report, they all became silent so they could hear his defamation. But he then continued, “Didn’t he split the sea for us, bring down the manna for us, and cause the quails to fly down to us?” [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:30). Kalev – one of the only men to enter the land of Israel – is a role model to us on how to respond to lashon hara in the highest way. Had Devorah’s friends learned from him, they would have listened to Devorah, validated her feelings, and shown empathy without agreeing with her perspective. Saying, “Wow this must be so painful for you, etc.” Then turning things around by mentioning all the good the madricha had done for her and her fellow students such as: “Is this all the madricha has done? Didn’t she organize your and our Shabbat meals during all these months? Didn’t she coordinate special events and school trips for us? and didn’t she teach and tutor us as well? Teaching their friend gratitude toward their mentor would also help elevating her to overcome focusing on herself and her hurt feelings while encouraging a general attitude of gratitude toward others and Hashem. 

The Connection between Negative Speech and Distrust in Hashem

ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לא וְהָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר עָלוּ עִמּוֹ אָמְרוּ לֹא נוּכַל לַעֲלוֹת אֶל הָעָם כִּי חָזָק הוּא מִמֶּנּוּ: (לב) וַיֹּצִיאוּ דִּבַּת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר תָּרוּ אֹתָהּ אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לֵאמֹר הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר עָבַרְנוּ בָהּ לָתוּר אֹתָהּ אֶרֶץ אֹכֶלֶת יושְׁבֶיהָ הִוא וְכָל הָעָם אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ בְתוֹכָהּ אַנְשֵׁי מִדּוֹת: (לג) וְשָׁם רָאִינוּ אֶת הַנְּפִילִים בְּנֵי עֲנָק מִן הַנְּפִלִים וַנְּהִי בְעֵינֵינוּ כַּחֲגָבִים וְכֵן הָיִינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶם:

“But the men who went up with him said, We are unable to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we. They spread a [evil] report about the land they had scouted, telling the children of Israel, The land we passed through to explore is a land that consumes its inhabitants, and all the people we saw in it are men of stature. There we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes” (Bamidbar 13:31-33).      

Rashi explains for they are stronger than we: Heb. מִמֶּנּוּ/memenu, [which may also be read as, מִמֶּנּוֹ/memeno they are stronger than He.] They said this in reference to the most High, as it were, [as if to say that the people are stronger than Hashem. [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:31). Nechama Leibowitz explains that the Talmud aims to bring out not merely what was on their lips, but to probe deeper and unfold their inner thought. When Kalev encouraged the people by telling them that they would be able to overcome the obstacles, he implied that they should rely on Divine assistance.  It was this trust in G-d that the spies repudiated. They said: “For they are stronger than we,” but denial of Divine Providence was implicit in their behavior.  What they really meant was, therefore, “they are stronger than Him, than G-d.” - In Whom Moshe and Aharon, Kalev and Yehoshua ultimately placed their confidence. Perhaps we may venture to say that at the root of all evil speech is a certain degree of denial of Hashem. When we truly believe that everything in our lives is orchestrated by the Almighty, there is no room to be critical and launch out against a fellow Jew. Through developing gratitude toward Hashem, we learn to realize that the other person is never to blame as everything we go through – as challenging as it may be – is from Hashem and for our good. In light of the current situation in Israel, when we are all praying that our soldiers succeed in eradicating the evil in Aza and rescue the refugees speedily, we must strengthen our emunah in Hashem, and His ability to fight on our behalf as well as specifically try and cut down on Lashon Hara.  Rabbi Abbah son of Kahana said, The generation of David was all righteous, but because there was lashon hara among them, they went to war and were falling... However, the generation of Achav, although they were idol worshippers – did not have lashon hara – therefore they descended to war and were victorious (Yerushalmi, Peah 1:1). Just as negative speech prevented the Israelites from meriting the land of Israel and eventually caused the destruction of the two temples in Jerusalem, positive speech, gratitude, and ultimate trust will – with the help of Heaven – make us merit complete victory over evil and the rebuilding of the Temple of Light in our Holy City! 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Shelach Lecha –

Some Tips for Overcoming Negativity and Complaining

It’s easy to fall prey to a destructive pattern of speaking badly about others and gossiping – to the point where it becomes a recreational activity! To enjoy the many people in our lives, we must stop verbalizing negativity and focus on their positive virtues. This takes a lot of effort but is essential to living happy healthy lives. If we’re always finding fault, we will naturally be dissatisfied, disappointed, and displeased, and so will everyone around us. By developing an attitude of gratitude and seeing the good points in everyone around us, even in the people by whom we initially may feel humiliated, we will get closer to Hashem and live happier lives free of destructive speech. 

 ·       Think Before You Speak – Before saying something about someone else, pause and consider whether it is necessary or if it could be potentially harmful. Reflect on how your words may impact others and the harm that lashon hara can cause to relationships and communities.

• Practice Empathy – Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider how you would feel if someone were speaking negatively about you.

• Cultivate Mindfulness – Be mindful of your words and actions and strive to cultivate a sense of awareness and self-control in your speech. By being mindful of your words, practicing empathy, and focusing on positive communication, you can work towards avoiding lashon hara and fostering a more harmonious and respectful environment in your interactions with others.

• Speak Directly to the Person – If you have an issue with someone, try to address it directly with them rather than discussing it with others behind their back.

• Don’t Fall into the Trap of Casual Lashon Hara – At dinner and at other family times, bring books to the table to discuss or talk about current events. When you discuss what happened in each person’s day, focus on what they learned that day and how they felt. Show your friends and family that there are more interesting things to talk about than other people’s poor behavior.

• Learn to Start Conversations, Ask Questions, Interrupt Gracefully or ‘Disattend.’ – These are crucial skills because we often find ourselves in social settings where the conversations are little more than gossip, which takes our focus off G-d and His goodness. If you find yourself in a conversation that is turning toward lashon hara, try to change the subject or steer the conversation in a more positive direction.

• Remember that the Statement “But It’s True!” does not Exonerate Lashon hara – It specifically refers to sharing derogatory information when it is true. Spreading vicious lies is far worse and belongs to the category called Motzei Shem Ra (defamation). 

• Make Positive Speech Reminders – Tape a reminder to the telephone: “No Lashon Hara!” Put up signs on the fridge and in other prominent locations around the house.

• Study the Laws of Guarding Your Tongue – Read a small section of the laws of lashon hara each day during dinner or at your Shabbat table. Encourage discussion and examples.

• Give Positive Reinforcement – Be sure to commend your kids when they manage to tell you about school or neighborhood problems without mentioning who was involved. Let them know that you’re proud of them - and that G-d is too.

Parashat Beha’alotcha: How Can We Learn Positivity and Total Trust from the Israelites’ Desert Complaint?

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Parashat Beha’alotcha
How Can We Learn Positivity and Total Trust from the Israelites’ Desert Complaint? 

What are the Three Human Weaknesses that Cause Ungratefulness? 

I notice three Human Nature weaknesses through which we all are easily led astray into ungratefulness. The first is our tendency to notice the negative constantly, the second is our unsatisfiable desire for more no matter how much we already have, and the third is our worries that we may lose what we have.  How do these underlying principles of ingratitude play out in our lives? Hmm. When people visit, I can’t understand why they always rave about my garden. All I see are a few occasional flowers hidden in all the weeds I didn’t get to. I also discern all the withering leaves and all the plants that are struggling. I furthermore sadly recall all those plants that died for various reasons. When I visit my friends’ gardens – I’m truly impressed – wishing my garden would be even just a fraction as lush, vibrant, and colorful. Due to this tendency to view what belongs to myself in a negative light, I don’t wear the glasses I’m supposed to wear except for when I’m driving or going out to watch a show, both of which I rarely do these days. If I were to wear my glasses at home, I would constantly notice the dirty spots on my ceramic floor, kitchen counter, and cabinets. No matter how much I would try to clean, everything would become dirty again quicker than I could wipe the spots away. We all go through life wearing dirt-colored glasses, continually noticing the negative, but it is not always as easy to remove these glasses as it is for me to avoid wearing mine. Regarding the second human weakness, today the scent of my husband grilling the Shabbat chicken made me feel such a craving to dig into that juicy piece on a Friday morning that it took great effort to pull myself away. When my husband offered me a mini piece to taste I had to recline, knowing that this little chicken crump that had come apart from the thigh was only going egg my appetite, and it would be hard not to gobble up the full piece reserved for Shabbat. I suffer much from the third weakness of worry. What’s gonna be? what’s gonna be? In a day and age when so many couples get divorced, what if that would happen to my newlywed son, G-d forbid? How could we ever bear it? Will we have new students for the summer program? How will the midrasha continue when someday I will need to retire? These kinds of worries distract me from appreciating what is. 

Craving a Craving for More and More 

The Israelites in the desert fell prey to these human weaknesses and thus displayed the utmost ingratitude. Although, the manna would taste almost like everything you imagined (BT, Yoma 75a), the Israelites exposed their desire for more and more:

ספר במדבר פרק יא פסוק ד וְהָאסַפְסֻף אֲשֶׁר בְּקִרְבּוֹ הִתְאַוּוּ תַּאֲוָה וַיָּשֻׁבוּ וַיִּבְכּוּ גַּם בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ מִי יַאֲכִלֵנוּ בָּשָׂר: 

“But the multitude among them began to have strong cravings. Then even the children of Israel once again began to cry, and they said, “Who will feed us meat?” (Bamidbar 11:4).

The Hebrew literally reads הִתְאַוּוּ תַּאֲוָה/hitavu ta’avah – ‘they craved a craving.’ This implied that they objected to their spiritual lifestyle of being nursed directly by the Divine. The sacred manna, completely absorbed into their bodies without any waste whatsoever (BT, Yoma 75b), was too ethereal for them. You could never overeat or binge on manna. It was angelic food. They craved an earthy life of roast beef and potatoes that would saturate their body with that heavy feeling of having overeaten. Rashi explains that the Israelites indeed did have meat, but they were looking for a pretext to complain even if their craving was unbounded: WHO WILL FEED US MEAT? - Did they not have meat? Does it not say, “Also a great mixed multitude went up with them, and flocks and cattle” (Shemot 12:38)? You might argue that they had already eaten them. But when they were about to enter the Land, is it not written that “the children of Reuven had much cattle” (Bamidbar 32:1)? The answer is that they were seeking a pretext [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:4]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:4). Although our students are generally of the most spiritual caliber and would give anything for a taste of manna, occasionally we do have students who feel the need for a break to get away from spiritual Bat Ayin and submerge themselves in secular Tel Aviv. 

Belittling the Sacred Manna – the Most Valuable Divine Gift

The Manna was the Israelites’ spiritual barometer and came to the doorstep of the person deserving it. Otherwise, according to the severity of sin, one would have to go further away to collect his daily portion of manna. Rather than appreciating the bread from heaven, the people spoke degradingly of the superior manna Hashem had provided:

ספר במדבר פרק יא פסוק ה זָכַרְנוּ אֶת הַדָּגָה אֲשֶׁר נֹאכַל בְּמִצְרַיִם חִנָּם אֵת הַקִּשֻּׁאִים וְאֵת הָאֲבַטִּחִים וְאֶת הֶחָצִיר וְאֶת הַבְּצָלִים וְאֶת הַשּׁוּמִים: (ו) וְעַתָּה נַפְשֵׁנוּ יְבֵשָׁה אֵין כֹּל בִּלְתִּי אֶל הַמָּן עֵינֵינוּ:

“We remember the fish we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!” (Bamidbar 11:5-6).

Living such spiritual lives is obligating. As Rashi explains, the Egyptians didn’t give them fish free of charge, as it states, “Straw shall not be given to you” (Shemot 5:18)? Now if straw was not given free of charge, was fish given to them free of charge? So, what does “free of charge” mean? Free from [the burden of] mitzvot [based on Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:5]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:6). The Israelites loathed to be monitored spiritually by the manna, they wanted to be ‘free’ in the lowest sense of the word – free to do whatever they felt like whether it was aligned with the divine will or not. According to Rabbeinu Bachaya, the Israelites expressed their disgust at what was a most valuable gift from G-d. They belittled the manna by comparing it unfavorably to Egypt’s most inferior produce. Moreover, the fact that they mentioned fish was an outright insult against the manna since the only kind of fish the Israelites got in Egypt were the fish that had been caught at least four or five days previously and had already begun to decompose and stink. When the Torah refers to the fish in the Nile when the river was turned into blood, the river is described as “stinking with these dead fish” and the dead fish are described as דָּגָה/daga (Shemot 7:17). Likewise, the Israelites remembered הַדָּגָה/hadaga instead of דָּגִים/dagim or הַדָּג/hadag – “the fish.” The word הַדָּגָה/hadaga means that these fish had decomposed to the extent that they were recognizable only as a species not individually. Through persistently looking for the negative, the Israelites expressed their dissatisfaction with the good they had. 

Torah, Positivity, and Total Trust – The Antidotes to Cravings, Negativity and Worry 

The Israelites were concerned and worried about what their future would hold. They feared their bodies would dry out without more substantial food than manna, so they grumbled: “We have nothing but manna to look at: Manna in the morning, manna in the evening” [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:5]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:6). It got to the point where the Israelites pined after the ‘good old days’ of their slavery in Egypt, where they didn’t have to worry about their physicality drying up. They got so worried that hundreds of years of hard slave labor in Egypt seemed like paradise. They may have had food and water in Egypt, but they had somehow forgotten about the physical brutality they had endured during their slavery there. G-d miraculously rescued them from over 200 years of cruel slavery, yet they still doubted that He could meet even their most basic needs. We read the Hagaddah every Pesach to remind ourselves and recall how Hashem – throughout the ages – has taken care of us, brought us out of the Egyptian slavery, and embraced us with His Holy Torah on Mt. Sinai. The key to overcoming worry is to recall the message of the Hagaddah, reminding ourselves that just as Hashem has always been there for us in the past, so will He continue to supervise our lives in the very best way for us. By developing our spiritual desire for Torah, trust in Hashem, and a positive attitude, we can overcome the Human weaknesses of craving, worrying, and constantly noticing the negative. Parashat Beha’alotcha means “When you ascend.” In the spirit of Beha‘alotecha, let us continue to ascend, and step up to ignite the candles of spirituality, positivity, and total trust in Hashem!  

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Beha’alotcha –

Some Tips for Overcoming Negativity and Complaining

We need to stay focused on Hashem, remember His faithfulness, and learn to have a thankful heart in all circumstances. I can assure you that it is easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to the area of complaining. I have learned, however, that the more we thank Hashem for all of our blessings in life, the more we recognize His presence in our lives. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with confiding in a trusted mentor or friend about your life struggles. It can help you grow stronger in your emunah. Complaining, however, involves a completely different mindset.

• Notice How Complaining Makes You Forget Hashem – when we choose to complain, we take our focus off of G-d and His goodness. Even throughout hardships and sickness, G-d is good, G-d is our Healer. Complaining can keep us from recognizing that fact.

 

• Complaining Causes Us to Focus on Our Problems Rather than the Answer – The Israelites were complaining in the desert because they had forgotten all that G-d had done for them. In every circumstance leading up to this point, G-d had provided for them. They were so focused on how they felt and stuck in their negative outlook that they had forgotten that G-d had always provided for their needs. Hashem is our loving parent and wants only our best. 

  

When we complain, We Cause a Desecration of Hashem’s Name – It is way too easy to ‘vent’ our frustrations to others. Instead of telling others about Hashem’s Divine Supervision in our lives, we end up complaining about our current circumstances. Why would anyone want to serve the G-d of someone unhappy and constrantly complaining? We misrepresent our good and faithful G-d when we do nothing but complain.

 

• Complaining Keeps Us from Our G-d-given Tasks – The enemy loves to keep us focused on our problems. G-d has big plans for every one of us, but when we get into a complaining mindset, it’s easy to stay there. We can’t accomplish much when we are unhappy with life. It makes us live in a constant state of misery, worry, and discontentment. It cripples us from doing the things G-d has called us to do.

  

• Complaining About Our Circumstances Won’t Change Them – Can you think of a time when complaining accomplished anything? Probably not. All complaining ever does for me is make me even more upset. I actually become angrier when I complain. I begin to feel ‘entitled’ somehow…even bitter. Circumstances are changed when we change our attitudes and take action accordingly. Complaining is pointless and won’t get you where you need to be.

• Complaining Stems from an Ungrateful Heart – The Israelites weren’t thinking about all the amazing things G-d had done for them. Instead, they were focused on themselves and their current struggles. We need to stay focused on Hashem. We need to remember His past faithfulness and learn to retain a thankful heart in every circumstance. I can assure you that it is easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to complaining. I have learned, however, that the more we thank G-d for all of our blessings in life, the more we recognize His presence in our lives.

What Personal Lessons Can We Glean from the Princes’ Identical Gifts?

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Parashat Naso

What Personal Lessons Can We Glean from the Princes’ Identical Gifts? 

In a World Filled with People Does Hashem Appreciate Each of Us Individually? 

I have often wondered how a mother of ten and a grandmother of more than fifty can appreciate all her children and grandchildren. How could she ever remember all their birthdays? How would she be able to show them all that each one has a special place in her heart? Some people may ask the same question of G-d. Since his world is filled with millions of people why would He care about little me? The truth is that our hearts expand with the birth of each child, and so does our capacity to love. How much more so, does Hashem care about us, being the source of love, Hashem’s infinite love embraces each of us individually. He is not only aware of all our actions, but He also knows our thoughts and intentions, our hardships, and our strivings. “I, Hashem, search the heart, test the kidneys, to give every one according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds” (Yirmeyahu 17:10). Each of us is important to Hashem, no matter how many other people exist in His world. If you think G-d is a punishing judgmental G-d who is out to get you, just take a minute to focus on all the blessings in your life, and even when you look back to your past hardships you may discover, how you became a better person as the result of having gone through them. “Hashem your G-d is in your midst, a Mighty One Who will save. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will be silent in His love. He will jubilate over you with song” (Tzefaniah 3:17). We all need to feel important and appreciated. That’s a basic human need. Sadly, in our time and age, many of us lack this basic need, and mental illness has been on the rise for a while. Generation Z born between 1997 – 2012 colloquially known as Zoomers are well acquainted with the Internet and social media from a young age. A 2022 survey of Gen Z young adults (ages 19 through 24) found that 42% are diagnosed with a mental health condition. Perhaps this is due to the lack of appreciation being reduced to a number by digital technology. Alyssa Mancao, a therapist in Los Angeles with a Gen Z client base notes that having grown up with the internet causes a lot of Gen Z to compare themselves with others. Her clients talk about comparing everything from their physical appearances to their career paths with their peers and influencers online. “There are a lot of feelings of inadequacy, and what I'm seeing is a lot of comparison,” she said. Parashat Naso literally means lifting. Its reassuring message is that each of us has value in our own right, we are so much more than just a digit. 

Upholding the Dignity and Value of Each Individual Person Created in the Image of G-d 

In the holocaust, the Jews were reduced to a number. The prisoner numbers have become a synonym for dehumanization that struck the deportees of the concentration camp. These numbers were to serve efficient ‘management’ of camps, performed by the SS teams. In contrast, Parashat Naso, which likewise is about counting the Jewish people, demonstrates the Torah way of imbuing each person counted with dignity:

 ספר במדבר פרק ד פסוק ב נָשֹׂא אֶת רֹאשׁ בְּנֵי קְהָת מִתּוֹךְ בְּנֵי לֵוִי לְמִשְׁפְּחֹתָם לְבֵית אֲבֹתָם:

“Make a count (נָשֹׂא/naso) of the sons of Kehat from among the children of Levi by their families, according to their fathers' houses” (Bamidbar 4:2). 

The word Naso is a verb with a range of meanings, including to lift, to carry, and to forgive. Together with the word רֹאשׁ/rosh – ‘head’ it is used to apply to counting. The Torah is not short of other verbs meaning to count, such as limnot, lispor, lifkod, and lachshov. Why, then, did Parashat Naso not simply use a regular word for ‘counting” instead of “lift the head”? The choice of “lifting the head” teaches us one of the most central beliefs of Judaism. Since we are created in the image of G-d, every one of us has infinite value. We are each unique. None of us is interchangeable with anyone else. Discovering G-d, singular and alone, our ancestors discovered the human individual, singular and alone (Inspired by Rabbi Yonathan Zacks, Lifting Heads, Naso, 5778).

Do we Need to be Better than Others to be Valued?

Parashat Naso is the longest Parasha in the Torah. Chapter Seven in the Book of Bamidbar consists of 89 pesukim/verses which list the beautiful gifts brought by the princes of the twelve tribes, one tribe per day. The description of their gifts is repeated twelve times because the princes of each tribe brought exactly the same gifts to the Mishkan. The way of the Torah is to avoid writing any word needlessly. Just one extra letter may teach us many significant legal principles Yet, regarding the offerings of the Princes, the Torah apparently, needlessly goes ahead and repeats the exact same thing again and again. Wouldn’t it have been simpler to say Nachshon ben Aminadav offered such and such, and so too each of the princes of the remaining eleven tribes?  In our competitive Western World, people often want to show how great they are, usually at the expense of someone else. The later princes could have added something more extraordinary to their gifts to make them stand out. That’s not the Torah way. We don’t lift ourselves up by stepping on others! What was a perfect gift for the first prince was just as perfect for the twelfth one. A Chassidic rabbi with many children was once asked in an interview how many children he had. He replied, “One!” Incredulous, the questioner persisted, and the rabbi clarified: “I was correct when I told you that I only have “one.”  I have one Shemuel, one Leah, one Sarah.….” How often do we hear of conflicts when parents, teachers, and bosses play favorites? That’s not the Torah way. We don’t lift up some while putting down others! (Based on By Rabbi Doniel Z. Kramer, Ph.D., Parashat Naso: Like Gifts to the Divine, Every Human Being Has Value).

Lifting Ourselves in Appreciation for Our Personal Relationship with the Divine 

Rav Shlomo Breuer explains that the Torah repeats the description of the offerings twelve times to teach us that each Prince actually brought a different offering. This is because what a person gives is not as important as how he gives it. Two people can donate $1000 to B’erot but for one person it’s a drop in his bucket whereas for another person it’s a major contribution. When we look beyond the surface, we will learn to appreciate each person for her effort and intent. Hashem devoted so many repeated Torah verses to describe the same gift to show us how much he values each of them. He didn’t belittle any gift with “the same old” attitude. Each gift and gift giver deserved full appreciation because each prince put his own special stamp on his gift, making it unique and personal. The repetition of identical gifts thus teaches us to appreciate the gifts we receive even if we have already gotten the same, valuing the intention even more than the actual gift. The offering of the princes was as beloved before Hashem as the song sung by the Jewish People at the Reed Sea.” The song at the sea says “This [zeh] is my G-d and I will glorify Him” (Shemot 15:2), and here it is written, “This [zeh] is the offering of Nacḥshon ben Aminadav” (Bamidbar 7:17). The offering of the princes was as beloved before Hashem as the two Tablets of the Covenant. Regarding the two Tablets, it is written, “From this side and from that side [m’zeh u-m’zeh] they were inscribed” (Shemot 32:15); (Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 8:3). The word זֶה/zeh – ‘this’ always refers to a personal experience. It signifies seeing something concrete enough to point at it with a finger (see Rashi Shemot 12:2). At the Song of the Sea each Israelite experienced a personal relationship with Hashem expressed by “This is my [personal] G-d…” Likewise, at the giving of the Torah, each Jew felt that Hashem spoke directly to him. This too applies to the princes’ gift to the Mishkan, although identical, each tribe gave his own personal gift as an expression of his unique relationship with G-d.(Inspired by Rav Frand, Lessons Learned from Gifts of the Nesiim). We always read Parashat Naso the Shabbat following Shavuot representing the peak and the highest Jewish experience – hearing the words of the Torah given directly by Hashem.  How thankful we must feel for our special relationship with Hashem. Tapping into this gratefulness helps us feel dignified and valued. It empowers us to proudly “lift up our heads” in thankfulness for our unique connection with the Divine. We can feel valued as the “chosen people” – chosen to sanctify our lives through the acceptance and observance of the Torah. 

          

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Naso – 

Some Tips for Lifting Ourselves Up Without Stepping on Others 

Many of us have the habit of comparing ourselves to others. This is a major source of unhappiness and low self-esteem, stemming from our society’s focus on competitiveness. Constant comparing yourself to others is unhealthy and can harm your self-esteem. Measuring yourself against others can make you over-anxious and can lead to discouragement. Learning to stop comparing yourself involves improving your self-esteem and confidence in your own unique value.  

• Develop Awareness – We often make social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, done without consciousness. The solution is to become conscious – and bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it will soon be hard not to notice, and it keeps getting easier with practice.

• Stop Yourself – Once you realize you’re making these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t criticize yourself or feel bad – acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.

• Don’t knock Others Down – Sometimes we criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be making a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success.

• Count Your Blessings – Focus on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Think about how blessed you are to have what you have. Appreciate the people in your life who care about you, and even just being alive!

• Strengthen Your Emunah that Hashem Truly Loves You for Being You – Hashem created you because He needs you in His world.  He created you for a purpose and has a particular job for you in His world. Although the world is filled with people, no one is exactly like you. No one has exactly your soul-print with the qualities and talents that distinguish you. You are the only one who can serve Hashem in your personal way.