Parashat Vayera
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To Host or not to Host?
“Greater
is the mitzvah of welcoming guests than receiving the Divine Presence” (Babylonian
Talmud, Shabbat 127a). Avraham was in the midst of receiving Divine
revelation when he noticed three potential guests. In order to welcome his
guests, he politely requested of G-d to wait for him until he had tended to
their needs: “My Master, [addressing G-d] if only I have found favor in your
eyes, please do not pass on from beside your servant [please wait for me until
I return from my guests]…” (Bereishit 18:3). Hashem waited for Avraham,
thereby imparting the eternal, overriding value of the mitzvah of hospitality. I
recall our excitement to welcome guests, in the old days, when we were a young,
newly observant couple. Almost no Shabbat went by without our table being
filled with all kinds of interesting people, ranging from truth-searching strangers
and seminar girls to young, newly religious families. Fast forward 30 years and
I find myself so stressed out with all my responsibilities during the week,
that I treasure a quiet Shabbat rest, home alone with my husband. As the years
go by, I crave my own space and privacy more and more, in order to recharge and
have energy to teach, write and counsel. Shabbat is supposed to be a time of
rest, but this is not always so for the woman, when hosting many guests. Thus,
the mitzvah of welcoming guests often leaves me with conflicting feelings. On the
one hand, we have a beautiful home and garden and it’s lovely to serve Hashem
by sharing His gifts with numerous guests. Yet, on the other hand, it is hard.
For example, last week, the first Shabbat getting back to daily routine after
the holidays, I received the following email: “Hello Rebbetzin. My name is
Shmuel and I just joined the Yeshiva here in Bat Ayin. I’m very much interested
in holistic medicine and I also loved the videos of your Midrasha. Can you
please have me and two friends for the second meal on Shabbat day?” 15
years ago, I would have been exhilarated by such an opportunity to host and
teach, but this time, I was looking forward to a quiet Shabbat with my husband.
Without Shabbat guests, we had time for a beautiful nature hike, which our busy
lives otherwise do not afford. So, I offered to arrange Shabbat lunch for the
Yeshiva boys somewhere else and invited them to eat with us in two weeks’ time,
when our son would be home from Yeshiva. It wasn’t easy to let go of the
opportunity to do the important mitzvah of welcoming guests, but in retrospect
I believe I did the right thing.
Finding
Our Personal Balance between Outreach and Recharging
We all need to find the right balance
between chesed and gevurah – hosting and privacy. This balance can change from
year to year, and even from week to week. Despite, the fact that Avraham, our
father’s hospitality par excellence is a model towards which we must aspire, we
also must realize that we are not necessarily an Avraham or a Henny Machlis z”l.
If we don’t recognize the level we are on, but keep trying to reach beyond our
capabilities, we may simply burn out. The mitzvot we perform halfheartedly,
taking them on because we are supposed to, or worse, in order to please others
or “keep up with the
Joneses,” never come off right. Who wants to be a
guest of someone who would have preferred their personal space? Yet, on the
other hand, we still need to constantly grow and ‘up’ our ability to say “Yes!”
with our full heart. It’s a constant רָצוֹ וָשׂוֹב/ratzo vashov – ‘running and
returning’ – to jump a bit out of our comfort zone, and then return to recharge.
We all have a unique mission and a set of particular mitzvot to fulfill in this
lifetime, but if we try to live up to all the amazing Biblical role-models in
every endeavor of life, we may be spreading ourselves too thin, and neglect
fulfilling our own personal mission. I often come across the trend of lack of
focus among women today who are ‘all-over-the-place.’
Avraham
and Sarah – The Ultimate Hospitality Team
Having said all this, I don’t want to
belittle the mitzvah of hospitality, celebrated in Parashat Vayera and
in Jewish communities the world over. Of all times of the year, now is the
occasion to aspire to become the ‘Hostess with the Mostess.’ Welcoming guests
is certainly a mitzvah not limited to men. Although Avraham is most famous for
his hospitality, what about Sarah? What part does she have in this mitzvah, if
any? Avraham is known for his chesed – loving/kindness, so he is the natural
hospitality whiz. Yet, Sarah is known for her gevurah – setting boundaries. So,
we may imagine her telling Avraham: “Do we really need 500 guests for Friday
night? Perhaps 400 would do?” However, nothing could be more in the wrong.
The angels asked, “Where
is Sarah your wife” (Bereishit 18:9), to teach us the importance of the
wife’s participation in hachnasat orchim (welcoming guests). The
presence of the woman makes the guests feel welcome, when her gestures indicate
that she is pleased with their visit (Beer Mayim Chaim). The angels weren’t
only inquiring about Sarah’s physical whereabouts, but also asking, “What are her
good deeds that makes her worthy of a son?” The famous answer is, “behold in
the tent” (ibid.) – the level of her modesty makes her worthy to conceive
Yitzchak. Yet, “the tent” moreover represent the mitzvah of welcoming guests, which
also imparts the merit of bearing children. When we actively show our love for
others by hosting and welcoming guests, it follows that we are ready to behave
lovingly to the guests of our womb (Women at the Crossroads: A Woman’s Perspective on the Weekly Torah
Portion p. 13).
ספר בראשית פרק
יח פסוק ו וַיְמַהֵר
אַבְרָהָם הָאֹהֱלָה אֶל שָׂרָה וַיֹּאמֶר מַהֲרִי שְׁלשׁ סְאִים קֶמַח סֹלֶת
לוּשִׁי וַעֲשִׂי עֻגוֹת:
“Avraham hastened into the tent of Sarah
and said: hurry make ready three measures of fine flour, knead it and make
cakes” (Bereishit 18:6).
Just as Avraham is known for his kindness,
so is Sarah, his faithful partner, steeped in deeds of chesed, as she busied
herself with the endless task of preparing food for their numerous guests. Sarah
supported Avraham’s work in every way. As the ultimate hospitality team, they
both merited to build the house of Israel.
What
is a ‘Halachich Guest’?
Performing Hachnasat Orchim properly
merits children, as we learn from Avraham and Sarah, who, after feeding their
guests, were told about the forthcoming birth of their son (Bereishit
18:10); (Tanchuma Ki Tetzei 2). This is also inferred from the Shunamite
woman, who after hosting Elisha, was promised a son (Ibid.). Our sages
emphasize the great merit of hospitality, “When the Temple is standing the
altar atones for a person; now that the Temple has been destroyed, a person’s
table atones for him, for his feeding of needy guests atones for his sins” (BT,
Chagiga 27a with Rashi). Yet, not all hospitality qualifies for such merit.
While it is nice hosting neighbors and friends for a Shabbat meal, these guests
may not meet the criteria of ‘halachic guest.’ The Rema explains that a halachic
guest is someone who truly needs a place to sleep and eat, such as a traveler
away from home (Shulchan Aruch, OC 333:1). All the great virtues and
rewards for welcoming guests described in the Talmud, moreover, apply
specifically to the poor, who cannot afford to buy food or may even be homeless.
The
Merit of Performing Hachnasat Orchim Today
How can we perform the mitzvah of
hospitality today, when most people can afford to feed themselves? According to
Rav Melamed, although today, there are hardly any people hungry for bread, and very
few homeless, many people today still need help and encouragement. In our
generation, there are no less depressed people. Although the standard of living
has risen materially, to some extent, physical abundance has caused an
increasing number of people to suffer from feelings of loneliness and
alienation. Opening our homes to these lost souls can relieve their torment and
provide them much needed emotional and spiritual support. Good, sympathetic,
warm hospitality can bring back the belief that there is value to the lives of
those who have lost their direction in life, despairing of themselves and their
future. Feeling that people value them, are happy to spend time with them and
want to help them gives them much needed encouragement. In addition, the many
young people who come to Israel to study, may suffer from a feeling of homelessness.
Especially those who have decided to make Aliyah, despite the opposition of
their parents, need the family warmth that hospitality can afford them (Peninei
Halacha Between People 7:6). So, although we may sometimes need a break
from guests, in order to recharge, let us not forget that the mitzvah of
welcoming guests engenders blessing in this world and the next, as it states, “Rabbi
Yoḥanan said: There are six matters a person enjoys the profits of in this
world, and nevertheless the principal exists for him for the World-to-Come, and
they are: Hospitality toward guests, visiting the sick, consideration during
prayer, rising early to the study hall, one who raises his sons to engage in
Torah study, and one who judges another favorably, giving him the benefit of
the doubt” (BT, Shabbat 127a). After learning all this, I’m certainly
grateful for the opportunity to host guests this Shabbat.
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