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Are there any Restrictions for a Married Woman in Honoring her
Parents?
The mitzvah of honoring parents is not always an easy mitzvah
to keep, especially as a ba’al teshuva (returnee to Judaism), since we
do not share many of our parents’ values. Kosher dietary restrictions, the laws
of modesty, Shabbat etc. can easily cause friction. Yet, we need to make up for
all the years of our youth, when we didn’t know better than to act chutzpadik
to our parents. I recall my early days as a zealous newly Torah-observant young
woman. I would drive my parents crazy with all my extra kosher chumrot
(stringencies). It later dawned on me, that the Torah mitzvah of honoring
parents, which is from the Ten Commandments, clearly overrides any rabbinic
chumra regarding kosher food, Shabbat observance and more. Therefore, although
I’m still struggling with this, I realize the need to lower my stringency
standards at times when keeping them, would cause excessive trouble to my
parents. The reason for the mitzvah of honoring parents is not as we might
think- because of everything they did for us, from changing our diapers to
putting us through college. The Israelites who received the Ten Commandments
didn’t need to do any of that, as Hashem provided for all our needs in the
desert. Honoring our parents is like honoring Hashem, because, these three
partners brought us into this world and gave us life. Wouldn’t we honor anyone
who saved our lives? (Rabbi Shraga Simmons, Honoring Parents). Thus, not even
children of abusive parents are exempt from the mitzvah, “Honor your father and
mother” (Shemot 20:12). What about a married woman? Her obligations to her husband- to maintain the
household- overrides her obligation to honor her parents. Therefore, she is exempt from this mitzvah, as she has a higher code of honor to her
husband, which may at times affect her ability to honor her parents. Yet,
when it doesn’t clash with honoring her husband and he isn’t meticulous, she is
obligated to honor her parents as much as possible (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin
30b; Shulchan Aruch, YD 240:17). For example, if I want to honor my
mother with my presence at her 85-year birthday this summer, and leave my home
for a week, it is only a mitzvah for me, as long as my husband doesn’t oppose.
If he would insist that he needs me at home, for whatever reason, it would be
my Torah obligation to honor my husband rather than my parent. Baruch Hashem, I
have a super husband who not only doesn’t oppose my attempts to keep the
mitzvah of honoring my parents, rather, he encourages me and does everything in
his own power to honor his in-laws as well.
Biblical
Role models for Honoring In-Laws
The mitzvah of honoring in-laws is
modeled by Moshe, when Yitro, Moshe Rabbeinu’s father-in-law,
joined the Israelites in the desert prior to receiving the Torah:
ספר שמות פרק יח פסוק ז
וַיֵּצֵא
משֶׁה לִקְרַאת חֹתְנוֹ וַיִּשְׁתַּחוּ וַיִּשַּׁק לוֹ וַיִּשְׁאֲלוּ אִישׁ
לְרֵעֵהוּ לְשָׁלוֹם וַיָּבֹאוּ הָאֹהֱלָה:
“So, Moshe went out toward Yitro,
prostrated himself and kissed him, and they greeted one another with Shalom, then
they entered the tent” (Shemot 18:70).
It is not clear from the verse who bowed
down and kissed who, yet when the verse mentions אִישׁ/ish – “a
man greeted the other,” we know it was only Moshe who bowed down and kissed
his father-in-law. This is because Moshe is called an ‘ish’ as it
states, “Now this אִישׁ/ish
– ‘man’ Moshe was exceedingly humble…” (Bamidbar 12:3). From here we
learn the importance of honoring in-laws (Mechilta, Yitro, Parasha
1).
Likewise, David, showed the greatest
honor to Shaul, not only because he was the king but specifically because he
was his father-in-law. Despite, Shaul being the worst father-in-law anyone
could wish for, in his jealous pursuit of David, attempting to kill him
numerous times, David showed him the outmost respect. When David had the
opportunity to kill Shaul first, he presented the piece of cloth he had cut off
Shaul’s robe as evidence that he could have killed him but refrained from doing
so and said, “See, my father, see again…” (I Shmuel 24:11). From here,
we learn the obligation to honor in-laws (Shulchan Aruch, YD 240:24
with Bach to Tur ad loc; Midrash Tehillim, Mizmor 7).
Do we
Have to Honor In-Laws like Parents?
There is a dispute regarding whether a
man must honor his in-laws the same way that he honors his parents. Our Sages
derived from the fact that David called his father-in-law, “My father” that one
is obligated to honor one’s father-in-law, the same way as one is obligated
honor one’s father, for the verse equates one’s father-in-law to one’s father.
Since husband and wife are considered one, just as the wife is obligated to
honor her father, her husband is obligated to honor her father as well. Yet, if
the honor due to both parents and in-laws are equal, why would a married woman
be exempt from honoring her parents when it conflicts with honoring her husband?
If a man is equally obligated to honor his in-laws, then his wife should not be
exempt from also honoring her parents., Regardless of the dispute, we still
have an obligation to show the greatest respect to in-laws. This includes not
calling our father-in-law or mother-in-law by their first names. Rather, we
should call them “Abba” and “Ima” respectively, as some customarily do, or we
could add a respectful title to their names such as “Rabbi” and the like.
Alternatively, we may avoid addressing them directly altogether (Halacha
Yomit, Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l). I personally do not feel it’s
very respectful to avoid calling in-laws anything, as this seems to me almost
like ignoring them. Therefore, I call my father-in-law, ‘Dad’ and my mother-in-law,
‘Mom.’ In the beginning they thought it was awkward, since that’s not the norm
in secular circles, but over the years they got used to it and I believe they even
came to appreciate this honorable title.
A
Greater Mitzvah for a Woman to Honor her Mother-in-Law?
According to the view, that the honor due
to in-laws is not to the same degree as the honor becoming parents, it seems to
me that a married woman must honor her in-laws even more than her own parents.
This is because her ability to honor her own parents depends on her husband’s
consent, whereas, there are no restrictions for her to honor her in-laws, since
her husband must honor them, too. It has always been challenging for a woman to
honor her mother-in-law. Both these women may have an underlying tendency to
compete for the devotion of the man who links them (Rebbetzin
Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, Ruth Gleaning
the Fallen Sparks). They are enumerated among the five
women who are known to be antagonistic toward each other (Rambam, Mishna
Torah, Laws of Divorce 12:16). A mother-in-law may be prying or critical of
her daughter-in-law, being dissatisfied with the way she cares for her son. The
daughter-in-law may speak disrespectfully to her mother-in-law. In our times,
the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can be even more
problematic, because one of the signs of the period immediately prior to the
arrival of the Mashiach is that daughters-in-law will rise up against their
mothers-in-law (BT, Masechet Sotah 49b). Nowadays, when it is common for
brazen words to be exchanged between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, this is
a sign that the redemption is indeed near. Yet, “according to the difficulty is
the reward” (Pirkei Avot 5:22) and specifically during this
pre-messianic period, with the tendency to behave with chutzpah.
Honoring
Our Mother-in-Law Grants Longevity and Brings the Mashiach
The righteous convert, Ruth, is an
example, par excellence, of honoring our mother-in-law, through the exceptional
chesed (loving-kindness) that she showed Naomi. This Moabite princess lowered herself to become a beggar in
Israel, in order to provide sustenance for her mother-in-law and preserve her
honor. Ruth’s chesed toward Naomi was so extraordinary that it became the subject of amazement among the people
of Beit-Lechem, (Megillat Ruth 2:11;
Ruth Gleaning the Fallen Sparks p. 33). It is from Ruth that we learn that
honoring your in-laws begets the same reward as honoring parents. By honoring
her mother-in-law, Naomi, Ruth merited a very long life – the reward of
honoring our parents, as it states: “Honor your father and mother, in order
that your days be lengthened on the land that Hashem, your G-d, is giving you”
(Shemot 20:12). Thus, Ruth merited to live in the times of her great,
great grandchild, King Shlomo as the Midrash testifies, “He [Shlomo] placed a
chair for the mother of the king” (I Melachim 2:19). Who was the
mother of King Solomon? Ruth, the mother of Royalty (Yalkut Shimoni, Ruth 1:596;
Zohar Ruth 1:5096; Midrash Ruth Rabbah 2:2). Through the mitzvah
of honoring her mother-in-law, Ruth merited not only to live to see four
generations of her offspring, but moreover to build the messianic dynasty and
bring about the final redemption. Through the effort of rectifying one of the
most challenging relationships, especially in our time, we too, may merit
longevity and help speed up the coming of Mashiach!
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