Parashat Tazria/Metzora
Why is it so Hard to Refrain from
Negative Speech?
One of the factors that originally attracted me to
become Torah observant was Torah’s emphasis on Jewish ethics – specifically
proper conduct toward others. It is much easier for someone from the secular
world to relate to developing refinement in thought, speech and actions, than,
for example, to appreciate the intricate laws of Kosher foods. Every Jew and
perhaps most gentiles, too, have an innate desire to become a good person. It’s
just that outside of the Torah world, we are often misled about how to define
this goal and about the ways to achieve it. Almost every person on this planet
knows deep down, that gossip, bad mouthing and derogatory speech is a negative
habit to stay away from. Nevertheless, people keep engaging in negative speech
out of habit, or due to nothing better to talk about. Furthermore, we have all
inherited an ingrained tendency to blame others – from Adam and Eve – who
evaded taking responsibility for their wrongdoing by blaming someone else.
Since there is no clear definition of what is considered unethical, negative
speech in the secular world, it is easy to slide down to our lower selves and
slip into damaging speech. Thus, since I don’t play bridge or chess, I’m always
finding it challenging to visit with secular family and friends. It is often
difficult to come up with meaningful topics for discussion, and without
realizing it, we may naturally find ourselves entangled in disparaging gossip
about mutual acquaintances. If we could only fathom the poisonous arrows
emanating from our mouths, with every denigrating word, wouldn’t we be more
careful? But if we must be so careful about speaking about others, what remains
to speak about?
Worthwhile Speech is Limited to Words
of Wisdom and Kindness
King Solomon, the wisest of all men, provides us
with an answer in his description of the Woman of Valor: “Her mouth opens in
wisdom, and the Torah of kindness is on her tongue” (Mishlei 31:26).
This implies that rectified speech must remain within the categories of wisdom
and kindness. ‘Wisdom’ implies sharing Torah insights and general knowledge,
including but not limited to scientific discoveries. For example, discussing
ways to remain healthy in various situations is surely included in, “Her mouth
opens in wisdom…” In addition to sharing
wisdom, engaging in “Torah of kindness” is the second worthwhile way of
conversing. Kindness refers to whatever kind of helpful, encouraging and
soothing words we can share with others. Even giving directions on the street
to a passerby or offering to pass the salt can be included in this category of
‘kindness.’ Every kind of worthwhile speech can be traced back to the two
categories of ‘wisdom’ and ‘kindness.’ There is really no value in any other
kind of speech. As my parents always used to say when we were kids: “If you
don’t have anything good to say then keep silent!” This is a helpful rule of
thumb to go by. Perhaps, Hashem orchestrated it that such a large part of the
world population has been wearing face masks – even though there is very
little evidence that it actually protects against the virus – in order to
inculcate the message that we need to cover our mouth and think twice before
letting out steam.
Protection from Plagues
In biblical times, a person who engaged in lashon
hara would become afflicted with the spiritual skin disease called tzara’at.
Hashem would give the person time to reflect and repent, by first bringing
tzara’at on his home. If he didn’t repent, then it would spread to his
utensils, and then finally afflict the person’s body (Midrash Tanchuma,
Parashat Tazria Chapter 10). When the Kohen had diagnosed the person with
tzara’at, he would have to leave the camp and be in quarantine until he was
healed (Vayikra 13:46), before going through the purification process
that would readmit him into the community (ibid.14:1-20). The current pandemic,
which has put people in quarantine and confined populations to their homes, in
some way parallels the purification process from tzara’at. This alludes to the
fact that we must reflect on our lives and our relations with others, which
first and foremost is expressed through speech. Becoming more careful with our
use of words is advantageous in all ways. It will protect us from plagues and
afflictions in this world and grant us eternal life in the next world. The
midrash explains that, although the men of the generation of Shmuel were great
Torah scholars, they would go to war and fall, because there were words of
accusation between them. In contrast, although the generation of Achav
worshipped Avodah Zara (idols), when they would go to war, not one of
them would be killed, because there was no accusation between them (Midrash
Tehillim 7). From this, we learn that the very best protection we
can avail ourselves is to guard our tongue, as David exclaims, “Who is the
person that wants life, loves his days, and looks for good? Guard your tongue
from negativity and your lips from speaking deceit” (Tehillim 34:13-14).
When is it Permissible to Engage in
Negative Speech?
There are times, however, when we do need to judge
or criticize others, either to their face or discuss their problems with their
teachers and mentors in order to help them. Sometimes, we may also need to warn
our friends against a certain person – for example a cleaning lady who has been
found to steal – in order to protect them from damage. In other words, it is
permissible to use negative speech for a constructive purpose. Whenever we do
so, we should first state that what we are going to discuss now is for a
beneficial purpose. This will help us limit unnecessary speech and keep the
Chafetz Chaim’s seven conditions for relating negative behavior to others (See Chafetz
Chaim, Laws of Prohibition of Lashon Hara 10). These conditions are very
complicated and this article is not the place to elucidate them. There are
plenty of articles
explaining them on the net. What I do want to share is an easy way to remember
the seven conditions we need to keep, whenever we feel the need to engage in
negative speech for a beneficial purpose. I found them on a Chafetz Chaim
Foundation card many years ago and they have helped me remember and limit
negative speech. The principles are summarized under the acronym of CAREFUL and
they go like this:
Certainty – The information must be true.
Ascertain – Verify that the information portrays an objective violation
of Jewish Law.
Rebuke – Approach the transgressor before resorting to speaking about him.
Rebuke – Approach the transgressor before resorting to speaking about him.
Exaggerate – Do
not exaggerate the severity or degree of the violation.
For a beneficial
purpose – Have pure intentions, exclusively for constructive purposes.
Use another
method – Look for ways to achieve the constructive purpose without revealing
the negative information.
Loss of victim
must match Torah law – Do not use negative speech if it causes more damage to
the subject than what a Beit Din (court of Jewish Law) would have decreed to
make up for his transgression.
The Severe Consequences of Lashon
Hara
While the world at large may be happily unaware of
the consequences of negative speech, the Torah recognizes the severe damage of
negative speech, lashon hara – evil tongue and equates it with the three
cardinal sins for which a person must sacrifice his life rather than
violate:
רמב”ם יד החזקה הלכות דעות פרק ז משנה ג אמרו חכמים שלש עבירות נפרעין מן האדם
בעולם הזה ואין לו חלק לעולם הבא עבודת כוכבים וגילוי עריות ושפיכות דמים ולשון
הרע כנגד כולם ועוד אמרו חכמים כל המספר בלשון הרע כאילו כופר בעיקר שנאמר אשר
אמרו ללשוננו נגביר שפתינו אתנו מי אדון לנו ועוד אמרו חכמים שלשה לשון הרע הורגת
האומרו והמקבלו וזה שאומר עליו והמקבלו יותר מן האומרו:
Our Sages said: “There are three sins for which
retribution is exacted from a person in this world and, [for which] he is
[nonetheless,] denied a portion in the world-to-come: idol worship, forbidden
sexual relations, and murder. Lashon hara is equivalent to all of them.” Our
Sages also said: “Anyone who speaks lashon hara is like one who denies G-d as
[implied by Tehillim 12:5]: ‘Those who said: With our tongues we will
prevail; our lips are our own. Who is Lord over us?’” In addition, they said:
“Lashon hara kills three [people], the one who speaks it, the one who listens
to it, and the one about whom it is spoken. The one who listens to it [suffers]
more than the one who speaks it” (Babylonian Talmud, Arachin 15b;
Rambam, Hilchot De’ot 7:3).
Every single exile in Jewish history was caused by
lashon hara, from the expulsion of the Garden of Eden caused by Adam blaming
Chava, and Chava blaming the snake to the destruction of the Second Temple.
Also, the Egyptian exile came about through Yosef’s lashon hara, for which he
greatly repented. Likewise, the lashon hara of the spies delayed entry into the
Holy Land for forty years and its repercussion reverberated for generations
until it ultimately effected the destructions of both Temples, as it states,
“This selfsame night [when the congregation of Israel accepted the lashon hara
of the spies] was the night of Tisha B’Av. The Holy One said, you cried
a cry for no reason, I will establish for you a crying for generations...” (Babylonian
Talmud, Ta’anit 29a). If every single exile of the Jewish people was caused
by lashon hara, it follows that the avoidance of engaging in evil speech will
bring the redemption! This is especially a pertinent message for women, who are
greater talkers than men, as it states, “Ten measures of speech were given to
the world, and nine of them were allocated to women” (Talmud, Kiddushin
49b). Moreover, we women, pave the way to the final redemption (Sotah
11b), Just as it was in the merit of the women's faith that
the Israelites were redeemed from Egypt, so, too, will it be in the
merit of the righteous women of our generation, that we will be redeemed once
again (Arizal, Sha’ar Hagilgulim, Hakdamah 20).
