Which Torah Law Prevents Sexual Abuse and Rape?

Parashat Naso
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Uncovering the Purpose of an Often-Neglected Law of Modesty

In our contemporary society, there is a Torah law that, sadly, doesn’t get much attention and is often ignored, even by those who are otherwise Torah observant. I am talking about the law of יִחוּד/yichud – the restrictions on men and women from being alone together. At times, yichud is even ridiculed as not being applicable in modern times. For example, when a frummie uncle keeps the door open in freezing weather, while meeting with his two minor nieces. The laws of yichud stand in sharp contrast to the norms of my birth country – the sexually liberated Denmark – where pornography was legalized more than 50 years ago. There, nudist beaches are so common, that most of the beaches along Denmark’s 7,000 kilometers of coastline are ‘clothing-optional.’ Should a beach in Denmark require that you remain clothed, you can count on signs being posted, says the Tripsavvy guide. The naturist attitude totally asexualizes the inherent attraction between man and woman. Over sexual stimulation weakens sexual desire and may eventually cause impotence and frigidity. To men and women – who are used to walking around together in their birthday suit, viewing advertisements of women appearing in various degrees of immodest attire, and cultivating platonic relationships with the opposite sex – the laws of yichud seem totally irrelevant and inapplicable. Rabbi Manis Friedman explains that the purpose of the Torah laws of yichud and modesty are not just to prevent sexual misbehavior. They also preserve sexuality because human sexuality is what G‑d wants. He gave us these laws to preserve and enhance sexuality. They ensure it’s focused in the right place and circumstances and are not intended to stifle it.  Even for those raised in Orthodox Jewish homes, it is not always easy to comprehend that when a man and woman are together in a room, and the door closes, that in itself is a sexual event. Not because of what is going to happen, but what has already happened. When you don’t close the door on yourself and that other person, you are recognizing your own sexuality. You are acknowledging the sexuality of the other person. Being modest, recognizing our borders, knowing where intimacy begins and not waiting until it is so intimate that we’re too far gone, is a very healthy way of living.

Keeping the Laws of Yichud Curb the High Rate of Sexual Abuse

Keeping in mind the prevalence of sexual abuse, to which, unfortunately, the Jewish world and even the shomer Shabbat community is not immune, the laws of yichud are more pertinent than ever. I will avoid mentioning well-known incidents that took place in the last decade, some of which are publicized in the news. Among the cases listed, it is almost unbelievable that a 79-year-old Connecticut rabbi was convicted of sexually assaulting a student. Many other well-known rabbis and therapists are currently serving their sentence in jail for sexual abuse. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010 Summary Report for the USA shows a frightening rate of sexual assaults. A 2010 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control found that around 1 in 5 women and 1 in 71 men had experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. Most of these cases (but admittingly not all) could have been avoided had the laws of yichud been kept. Therefore, I always emphasize to my students to keep these laws meticulously, and never allow themselves to be secluded with any man, not even the most respected rabbi, as it states, “There is no guarantee [apotropos] for restraining sexual immorality [arayot], and therefore, everyone is suspect in that regard” (Babylonian Talmud, Ketuvot 13b). It is interesting to note that even the secular society recognizes this principle and has therefore adopted several of the tenants found in the laws of yichud. In the wake of the 1990 Clinton scandal, the Western World has become accustomed to taking steps to prevent two people from being alone together in many professional settings. Schoolteachers, social workers, therapists, and camp counselors have internalized as a foundational rule never to be alone in closed quarters with one of their students, patients, or campers. The rules of yichud were likewise instituted to curb sexual abuse, by instilling modest behavior in people. The Torah laws of yichud are specifically designed to protect women, who are naturally more vulnerable to sexual assaults, as statistics prove. Therefore, these laws are specifically directed at those who are structurally and physically powerful – men – to prevent them from entering the situations where they can abuse that power to rape women.  This high wall of restriction exists where men’s power is most shielded from the interventionist arm of the state – privateor family settings, where witnesses are hard to come by and public opinion often wants the court to butt. Statistics show that these laws have achieved their purpose in communities where yichud is observed.

Contrasting the Suspected Adulteress and the Righteous Female Judge

Parashat Naso describes the סוֹטׇה /sotah – ‘the suspected adulteress.’ If a husband became seized with a burning jealousy of his wife, who had secluded herself with another man, after he had warned her not to, the husband may subject her to a very embarrassing, uncomfortable ritual, in the presence of the Kohanim. The seclusion is the determining factor that permits the husband to have his wife undergo the ritual of the sotah. 

בַּמִּדְבָּר פֶּרֶק ה פָּסוּק יג

וְשָׁכַב אִישׁ אֹתָהּ שִׁכְבַת זֶרַע וְנֶעְלַם מֵעֵינֵי אִישָׁהּ וְנִסְתְּרָה וְהִיא נִטְמָאָה וְעֵד אֵין בָּהּ וְהִוא לֹא נִתְפָּשָׂה:

“…and a man lie with her carnally, but it was hidden from her husband’s eyes, but she was secluded [with the suspected adulterer] and there was no witness against her, and she was not seized” (Bamidbar 5:13).

Thus, the seclusion itself (yichud) is considered a serious misconduct, yet it obviously does not compare to the prohibition against committing actual adultery, which is one of the Ten Commandments. 

In contrast to the sotah, Devorah, the prophetess, is praised for choosing to judge outside, in public, in the heart of the city, under the date palm, in order to avoid being in seclusion with any man (Babylonian Talmud, Megillah 14a). This way, she also averted suspicion and gossip about her having intimate contact with male clients. She sat under the date palm to ensure that no other man would interfere in her holy union with her husband. For the sake of keeping the laws of yichud meticulously, Devorah sacrificed the protection from the cold of the winter and the heat of the summer that officiating in a house offers.

The Essential Laws of Yichud Protect the Woman

The most common cause of a forbidden union is when a man and woman – not married to each other – are secluded together in a private setting (Rambam, Laws of Forbidden Relationships 22:20). It is a Torah violation for a Jewish man to be secluded with a married woman and any other woman whom he is forbidden to marry (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 80b) whether elderly or young. This action leads to uncovering of nakedness. This law does not apply to a mother with her son, a father with his daughter, and a husband with his wife, even while she is menstruating… (Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer 22:1). After the rape scandal in which Amnon, son of King David, raped his half-sister, Tamar (II Shemuel 13:1-20), King David established an additional prohibition, forbidding a man to be secluded with a single woman [even if she is not forbidden for him to marry] (Talmud, Sanhedrin 21b); (Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer 22:2). If his wife is with him, it is permitted to be secluded with any woman with whom seclusion is [usually] forbidden, since his wife guards him. But an Israelite woman may not be secluded with a gentile man even if his wife is with him (Ibid. Even Ha’ezer 3). One woman may be alone with two men of good reputation during the daylight hours in an urban setting, where there are many passersby. In a rural area, or in a city at night, at least three men must be present (ibid. 5). Why the imbalanced standard to prohibit a man from being alone with two women, when a woman is permitted to be alone with two men? Whereas, one man will be embarrassed to commit an improper act in the presence of another man, that same man may be able to sway two women to have threesome sex with him. The soft, feminine, nurturing, flexible nature, makes a woman lack a strong enough will to resist and withstand pressure that a man may place upon her. This is the meaning of נָשִׁים דַּעֲתַן קַלּוֹת/nashim da’atan kalot – ‘women are light-minded’ (Babylonian Talmud, Kidushin 80b). Thus, the laws of yichud reflect a sensitivity to the sexual power imbalance between men and women, as we see from the imbalanced incidents of sexual abuse of women versus men. If the purpose of the laws of yichud is to avoid sexual harassment and protect women from the carnal instincts of men, why would any woman neglect to avail herself of the protective safety net that our Sages instituted for her sake?

Here is an excellent detailed delineation of the laws of yichud (Chabad)

Why Does Hashem Command to Count Only the Men?

Parashat Bamidbar
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Why Don’t Women Count?

It is fortunate that when I was newly Torah observant, I didn’t have a chance to read Parashat Bamidbar thoroughly, as I was busy with getting married, setting up our new home and then taking care of my baby. Had I read the beginning of the Book of Bamidbar carefully then, I would have been quite uncomfortable by the fact that only the men had to be counted, whereas the women were not included in the census, as if women don’t count in Judaism! Today, I am, Baruch Hashem, in a different place. I have learned enough to know that to understand the Torah, especially the issues connected with women and women’s role in Judaism, we need to look deeper – beyond the surface. First of all, we must look at the census of B’nei Yisrael in context. We need to understand why the Book of Bamidbar opens with a census?

במדבר פרק א פסוק ב שְׂא֗וּ אֶת־רֹאשׁ֙ כָּל־עֲדַ֣ת בְּנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל לְמִשְׁפְּחֹתָ֖ם לְבֵ֣ית אֲבֹתָ֑ם בְּמִסְפַּ֣ר שֵׁמ֔וֹת כָּל־זָכָ֖ר לְגֻלְגְּלֹתָֽם:

“Take the sum of all the congregation of the sons of Israel, by families following their fathers’ houses; a head count of every male according to the number of their names” (Bamidbar 1:2).    

Due to this opening census, the Book of Bamidbar is also known as Sefer HaPekudim – the Book of Numbers (Hence the English translation). We need to explore the purpose of that census, especially since the Jewish nation had already been counted in the Book of Shemot, and surely, Hashem knew our numbers without a need for a physical census. The following Torah verse gives us a clue:

במדבר פרק א פסוק ג מִבֶּ֨ן עֶשְׂרִ֤ים שָׁנָה֙ וָמַ֔עְלָה כָּל־יֹצֵ֥א צָבָ֖א בְּיִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל תִּפְקְד֥וּ אֹתָ֛ם לְצִבְאֹתָ֖ם אַתָּ֥ה וְאַֽהֲרֹֽן:

“From twenty years old and upwards, all who are fit to go out to the army in Israel, you shall count them by their legions you and Aharon” (Bamidbar 1:3).

It is clear that only ‘all who are fit to go out in the army of Israel’ were counted. Military participation is the main focus of Parashat Bamidbar and the root צ-ב-א/tzadi-veit-alef – ‘army’ appears no less than 34 times in this week’s Parasha. On a simple level, since women are exempt from serving as combat soldiers, they are excluded from the census. Yet, there are also deeper reasons why women are not counted, neither here, in a minyan, nor for other religious purposes. Perhaps, when we comprehend these reasons, we will realize that the fact that women aren’t counted in the Torah does not depreciate our status.

Men Correspond to ‘Quantity’ While Women Reflect ‘Quality’

It is not always complementary to be counted. We all want to be more than just a mere number. When counted, a person may feel dehumanized, and question himself, “What am I? What difference do I make? I am a mere grain of sand on the seashore, dust on the surface of infinity.” This is why, rather than using one of the many Hebrew words for counting, such as ספור/sefor, Hashem commanded שְׂא֗וּ אֶת־רֹאשׁ֙/se’u et rosh – “lift the head.” What is the meaning of the phrase “lift the head” in the context of a census? To counterbalance the natural feeling of insignificance a person may feel when counted, G-d tells Moshe to lift people’s heads by showing that they countand matter as individuals (Rabbi Sir Jonathan Sacks, Leading a Nation of Individuals). Women do not need to be placated in this way, as we are never looked upon as a mere number. This is because ‘man’ represents the external, while ‘woman’ corresponds to the internal dimension. When counting anything, we only count the external – the quantity rather than the quality. Although, I don’t think my husband will like this equation, I venture to say that men correspond to ‘quantity’ whereas, women reflect ‘quality.’ This explains not just why only men are counted in the Torah, but also why the status of “who is a Jew” depends specifically on the mother. Since, in the Torah, the woman represents the inner dimension – the essence – she is the one who bequeaths her essential Jewishness to her children.

Why is it Prohibited to Count People?

In our Corona time, we take strong precautions individually and globally to curb the spread of the plague of Covid 19. Yet, the precautions of the Ministry of Health are expectedly only in the physical realm. The Torah gives spiritual remedies for preventing a plague and one of them is avoiding counting people:

“When you take the census of B’nei Yisrael to determine their numbers, let each man give to Hashem an atonement for his soul when you count them, then there will be no plague among them when they are counted” (Shemot 30:12).

This is why in Torah observant communities, rather than counting each person as a number, we find alternative ways to know the amount of a group when necessary. Rashi explains that counting people empowers the Ayin Hara (the Evil Eye) to harm them, just like we found in the times of King David. Therefore, the Talmud lays down a clear prohibition against counting people:

Rabbi Eleazar said: Whosoever counts Israel, transgresses a [biblical] prohibition, as it is said: “Yet the number of the children of Israel shall be as the sand of the sea, which cannot be measured and numbered” [Hoshea 2:1]. Rabbi Nachman ben Yitzchak said: He would transgress two prohibitions, for it is written: “Which cannot be measured nor numbered” (Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 22b).

If it is prohibited to count Jews, then why does Hashem command Moshe to count the sons of Israel at the beginning of the Book of Bamidar? The continuation of the Talmud answers this question by differentiating between counting done by human beings and counting done by Heaven. When a man counts people, each person is vulnerable to the grip of extraneous forces, as he is being separated from the community by a number. However, Hashem is the great unifier. In His count resides the tie that binds and connects each individual with the community. Furthermore, counting done by human beings usually emanates from pride, and expresses an external show of strength – “look how many and mighty we are!” This is the reason a plague resulted from David’s counting of the people, as mentioned in II Shemuel, Chapter 24. When people count and number a group of people, they can become subject to Ayin Hara and disease may follow. Thus, we try to count in the most inconspicuous and unpretentious way possible, to prevent inflating our ego and causing arrogance, thereby eliciting jealousy and negative energy. Therefore, to this day, it is the custom not to count people in a regular fashion. Rather, when it is necessary to count a group of men to know whether there is a minyan or not, the custom is to use the following Torah verse which consists of ten words of blessing:

ספר תהילים פרק כח פסוק ט הוֹשִׁיעָה אֶת עַמֶּךָ וּבָרֵךְ אֶת נַחֲלָתֶךָ וּרְעֵם וְנַשְֹּאֵם עַד הָעוֹלָם:

“Save Your people, and bless Your inheritance; and tend them, and carry them forever” (Tehillim 28:9).

May Hashem protect His people and remove the plague from among us and may all the sick be healed!

What are the Parameters of Verbal Mistreatment?

Parashat BeHar/BeChukotai 

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Consciously Refraining from Accidentally Stepping on Someone’s Toes

I often voice my opinion against women taking upon themselves the mitzvot of men, because there are an endless amount of mitzvot pertaining to women, which are often neglected. One such mitzvah is אוֹנָאַת דְּבָרִים/ona’at devarim – ‘verbal mistreatment.’ While, thank G-d, awareness of lashon hara (evil speech) has been greatly heightened by the Chafetz Chaim, the parameters of verbal mistreatment, mentioned in Parashat BeHar, are less well-known. While it is vital to refrain from gossip and negative speech behind someone’s back, the way we communicate directly with others is no less important. More than once have students shared with me, that people asked them uncomfortable questions about their past before they were Torah observant or before they embarked on their path of conversion to Judaism. People may be well-meaning, but that is not enough. We need to develop sensitivity to how our remarks and questions affect the person with whom we are communicating. I was fortunate to attend two of the last courses given by the renowned Nechama Leibowitz z”l, in her home, at the age of 93. What I recall best from these courses is her explanations and anecdotes on moral integrity in interpersonal relationships. Nechama related an incident in a crowded bus, where someone accidentally stepped on the toes of another, exclaiming, “Sorry! I didn’t mean to step on your toes!” Nechama explained that more is expected than not intending to purposely hurt someone else. We need to constantly make an effort and heighten our awareness of how to consciously refrain from accidentally stepping on someone’s toes- whether literarily or figuratively. The Talmud recognizes that even well-meaning comments and questions can be hurtful. “If one is a ba’al teshuva, do not tell him: Remember your earlier deeds. If one is the child of converts, do not remind him of the ways of his ancestors” (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Metzia 58b). Once I met a friend I hadn’t seen for a while. She looked obviously pregnant and even close to giving birth, so I excitedly wished her “be’sha’ah tovah!” (the traditional well-wishes for a pregnant woman). Whoa! Was I taken aback by her reaction to my well-meant congratulations on her pregnancy. Her face turned color, as she angrily informed me of my mistake. I felt so terrible about what I had just done. I had just stepped on her toes, big, big time as often women, after multiple pregnancies, have a very hard time getting their stomach back to normal. Apparently, her protruding belly was a real sore point for her, and an object of embarrassment. I decided then and there that never was I going to congratulate anyone for being pregnant, unless they personally share their blessing with me. The good end of the story is that I immediately blessed her to become pregnant. She answered “amen!” and lo and behold she gave birth exactly nine months following my blessing!

Excessive Parental Advice May be Verbal Mistreatment

Twice in Parashat BeHar does the Torah mention the prohibition of wronging someone:

ספר ויקרא פרק כה פסוק יד וְכִי תִמְכְּרוּ מִמְכָּר לַעֲמִיתֶךָ אוֹ קָנֹה מִיַּד עֲמִיתֶךָ אַל תּוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת אָחִיו:

“When you make a sale to your fellow Jew or make a purchase from the hand of your fellow Jew, you shall not wrong one another” (Vayikra 25:14).            

ספר ויקרא פרק כה פסוק יז וְלֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ כִּי אֲנִי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵיכֶם:

“You shall not wrong, one man his fellow Jew, and you shall fear your G-d, for I am Hashem, your G-d” (Vayikra 25:17).

From this repetition, the Talmud learns that the second mention, of the prohibition of wronging a fellow Jew, refers to verbal mistreatment, such as saying anything that may insult, hurt, or anger another person in his presence. Rashi explains that verbal mistreatment includes offering advice that is unsound for the person we advise, and only beneficial to the mode of life of the advisor. This shows the great sensitivity toward others that the Torah requires. It is not enough to live by “Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to yourself.” Often, I catch myself thinking that I wouldn’t have minded something which insulted someone else. Why should that person feel bad about such and such, since it wouldn’t bother me a bit? For example, if someone asked me about my past, before I became Torah observant, I would be happy to share. Yet, I am not she, and she is not me. I must learn to understand that what is perfectly fine with me may not be fine with her. If I pose a question or make a comment that is hurtful to that particular person, even if I myself would not be hurt by it, I will be committing a Torah prohibition of “you shall not wrong another…”  Rashi’s comment also made me think about all the unsolicited advice we give to others. Most often, others just want to relieve their heart. They want a listening ear more than solutions and advice. When we really listen, it helps to come up with their own solutions to their problems. This especially pertains to our teen and young adult children. In their path to forge their own way, they need their parents support rather than advice. When well-meaning parental advice rains down on their head with the force of repeated hammer blows, it not only is damaging, it may even be included in the prohibition of verbal mistreatment.

Three Ways Verbal Mistreatment is Worse than Monetary Exploitation

The Talmud further elucidates that verbal mistreatment is worse than monetary exploitation in three ways:

Rabbi Yocḥanan says in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai: Greater is the transgression by verbal mistreatment than the transgression by monetary exploitation: 1. Regarding verbal mistreatment, it states: “And you shall fear your G-d;” But regarding monetary exploitation, it does not state: “And you shall fear your G-d.” Rabbi Elazar said: 2. Verbal mistreatment, affects one’s body; but monetary exploitation affects one’s money. Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥmani says: 3. Monetary exploitation is given to restitution; but verbal mistreatment, is not given to restitution.

1. The importance of Intention in Communication

Verbal abuse is not always apparent to others. It is far easier to conceal one’s true intentions to harm people verbally than financially. Engaging in verbal mistreatment is worse than harming others financially, because it shows that the person fears people more than G-d. He is only

concerned with what others may think, while being unconcerned that G-d knows his true intentions. As Rashi explains, and if you say, “Who can tell whether I had evil intentions [when I talked to my fellow in an insulting manner? Perhaps, I did so to make him feel remorseful and repent his ways].” Therefore, it says, “and you shall fear your G-d.” – The One Who knows all thoughts – He knows. Concerning anything held in the heart and known only to the One who bears this thought in his mind, it says “and you shall fear your G-d!” (Rashi, Vayikra 25:17). This teaches us the importance of our intentions when communicating with others. The exact same words can be either helpful or hurtful depending on the underlying feeling behind the remarks. By those who are sensitive, this feeling may be detected by the intonation and tone of voice.

2. Think Twice Before Clicking ‘Send’ for Recorded Messages

Greater harm can be inflicted through words than through damaging someone’s property. This is because property damage is external while verbal mistreatment affects a person’s inner being. A careless word can go straight to our core, hurting our very essence. This is especially true today, when verbal messages can be fired from every corner of the earth with lightning speed through SMS, whatsapp, email and more.  “…All other weapons strike close up, while arrows strike from afar. That is the way of evil tongues: What is said in Rome, kills in Syria… even though you have appeased [the person harmed by words] and he has seemingly been appeased, he still is burning on the inside” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 19:19). In my experience, especially recorded messages, which can retain an angry abusive tone are more hurtful than if they were said in person. This is because the person would not feel comfortable speaking in such manner to a person he sees face-to-face, whereas it is so easy to just click a message off without any qualms. Having been on the receiving end of such messages recently, I can testify to the exceeding hurt they inflicted. It felt like part of my core had been robbed and depleted. I can’t imagine that the same person – who took license to spew out all his accumulated anger, yelling accusations to me in recorded what’s app messages – would have said even a fraction of the content of those messages in person, and surely not in that tone of voice. So please think more than twice before clicking ‘send.’

3. The Challenge of Repairing Verbal Mistreatment

Whereas monetary exploitation can be rectified by financial restitution; how can you measure and make up for the pain your words have inflicted? A rule of thumb is that it is always better to say less, as you can always add the rest later, but once you realize that you said something which was better not mentioned, your words cannot be taken back. Often, people don’t even realize the repercussion of their words. In a flick of irritation, an insensitive remark may slip, without the perpetrator even noticing. Should you confront him about it later, he will deny having said anything less than kind and proper words.  Who can explain to someone else the hurt their tone of voice can cause? For that, recorded messages actually do have merit. I was so hurt by the recorded verbal abusive messages fired at me, that I immediately deleted them all. Yet, although the messages were no longer polluting my phone, I felt emotionally polluted. Perhaps, if the person would listen to his own messages a month afterward, he may be so taken aback to realize what he had said and how he had yelled it repeatedly, that he may actually be moved to apologize. Still, nothing can make up for the emotional damage caused, not even a sincere apology.

Women Can Recreate the World with Rectified Words

Women are communicators as it states, “Ten measures of speech were given to the world, and nine of them were allocated to women” (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 49b). We, women, are called upon to repair the world, which is created through speech. We have the choice between emptying our verbal garbage-can in the emotional property of our fellows, or working on weighing our words carefully, using our feminine binah to understand the sensitivities of others and achieving true refinement of speech! By tuning into the Divine speech that originally created the world, we have the opportunity to recreate the world with our words and lead humanity to the final, perfected planet.

Is it Commendable for Women to Count the Omer?

Parashat Emor
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Focused Self Refinement for Men and Women Alike

Throughout all my forty years of being Torah observant, I have never counted the Omer from beginning to end. Truthfully, I haven’t even tried. I feel ambiguous about the many young women who ardently count the Omer with or without an app. On the one hand, I admire these devout women who want to take on this timebound, positive mitzvah, which is more than what the Torah mandates for women. On the other hand, I’m not an advocate of women taking on men’s mitzvot, which at times comes at the expense of keeping the many obligatory mitzvot for women. Yet, it is not a black and white issue. As women’s role evolves, the boundaries between men’s and women’s mitzvot become increasingly blurred. During the period of counting the Omer, both men and women need to work on character refinement, in order to be worthy to receive the Torah. The seven emotional sefirot (Divine emanations) that we go through, with their sub-sefirot, during each of the 49 days of the Omer, from Chesed (loving/kindness) of Chesed to Malchut (royalty) of Malchut teach us the spiritual and emotional focus of each day. No matter whether a woman counts the Omer or not, it is highly beneficial to meditate on the sefirah of the day and work on integrating it into our lives.

Is Counting the Omer a Positive Timebound Mitzvah?

Most halachic authorities hold that counting the Omer is a positive timebound mitzvah from which women are exempt (Rambam, Hilchot Temidin U’mussafin 7:20; Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 306). However, Ramban, (Novellae to Kiddushin 33b) lists Sefirat HaOmer among the positive mitzvot that are not timebound, yet he doesn’t address the issue of whether women are obligated to count the Omer. Ramban’s deviation from the mainstream view that counting the Omer is a timebound mitzvah puzzles most commentaries. Perhaps Ramban holds that Sefirat HaOmer is rabbinic, instituted during post and pre-Temple times. The fact that the source for the binding nature of keeping the rabbinic mitzvot is clearly not timebound: “…you shall not turn aside from that matter that [the sages] tell you” (Devarim 17:11), explains Ramban’s position on Sefirat haOmer.

Does Halacha Permit Women to Count the Omer?

The answer to this question is equivocal. According to the mainstream Rabbinical view, that women are exempt from counting the Omer, they are nevertheless permitted to perform this mitzvah voluntarily. This is similar to the way women may perform other positive timebound mitzvot such as sitting in the Sukkah and shaking the lulav. Magen Avraham (Rabbi Abraham Abele Gombiner, a prominent seventeenth century Polish Talmudist) goes as far as to claim that women have taken this mitzvah upon themselves:

ספר מגן אברהם על או"ח סימן תפט:

נשים פטורות מספירה דהוי מ"ע שהז"ג (רמב"ם וכ"כ בזוהר תצוה עמוד שי"ט) ומיהו כבר שווי' עלייהו חובה:

Women are exempt from counting [the omer] because it is a positive timebound mitzvah. Nevertheless, they have already accepted it upon themselves as an obligation (Magen Avraham, Orach Chayim 489).

Many halachic authorities disagree with the Magen Avraham and state that there is no source for saying that women accepted this mitzvah upon themselves as an obligation (Minchat Chinuch Mitzvah 306; Sha’ar Hatziyun quoting the Pri Chadash, who makes no mention of women having accepted Sefirat Ha’Omer upon themselves). Likewise, the Chafetz Chaim holds that women aren’t accustomed to count the Omer:

משנה ברורה סימן תפט מתחילין לספור וכו' - ונשים ועבדים (א) פטורות ממצוה זו דהוי מ"ע שהזמן גרמא וכתב המ"א מיהו כבר שויא עלייהו חובה (ב) וכמדומה דבמדינותינו לא נהגי נשי כלל לספור וכתב בספר שולחן שלמה דעכ"פ לא יברכו דהא בודאי יטעו ביום אחד וגם ע"פ רוב אינם יודעים פירוש המלות:

In our countries, women did not count at all. It is written in Shulchan Shlomo that at the very least women should not recite the beracha [before counting the Omer] for certainly they will err on one of the days, and furthermore, women generally do not know the meaning of the words (Mishna Berura, 489:1-2).

According to Shulchan Aruch HaRav, women are exempt from the Mitzvah of Sefirat HaOmer because based on Kabbalah, they are unable to fulfill this mitzvah. However, in those certain provinces where women have accepted this mitzvah upon themselves, they are obligated to count due to this custom. Practically, the Chabad custom is for women to recite Sefirat HaOmer. The husbands should remind their wives to recite the sefira each night (Rabbi Yaakov Goldstein, The Laws and Customs of Counting the Omer…).

Modern Halachic Rulings on Women and Sefirat HaOmer

According to Kabbalah, it is preferable for women not to count the Omer at all, even without reciting a blessing, as there is a Kabbalistic reason for them to abstain from doing so. Therefore, our custom is that women do not count the Omer at all (Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l).

During the last century, women’s Torah learning has greatly intensified and Mishna Berura’s two concerns no longer apply to most women who decide to take upon themselves the counting of the Omer. Therefore, a woman who knows that she can make it through the entire count, and even if she misses a day, she knows to continue counting without a blessing, may count with a blessing, according to Ashkenazi practice. This is especially true regarding a woman who prays ma’ariv every evening or whose family members are in the habit of reminding her to count. She may count with a blessing, if she is Ashkenazi and so desires, because the chances of her forgetting to count are relatively small (Rabbi Eliezer Melamed, Peninei Halacha, Women and the Omer Count). Nevertheless, since in this case the mitzvah of counting as well as the blessing are not obligatory, in the case where a wife’s family has a minhag that differs from her husband’s, a women should follow her husband’s minhag (Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, Igrot Moshe, Yoreh Deah vol. 4:3)

May Women Recite a Beracha When Counting the Omer?

The main halachic question is whether a woman who takes upon herself to count the Omer may recite a beracha. According to the Shulchan Aruch, a woman may not make blessings over any mitzvah from which she is exempt. If she does, she is reciting a blessing in vain (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 589:6). This is the prevalent custom among most Sefardic women (Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l). However, the Ashkenazi custom follows the Rama’s opinion, that women who perform time-bound mitzvot are permitted to recite the blessing. Likewise, the nineteenth century Rabbi Yechiel Michel Epstein holds that although women are exempt from counting the Omer, because it is a positive time-bound commandment, if they take upon themselves to count, they should recite a beracha like any positive time-bound commandment that women practice. (Aruch Ha-shulchan, Orach Chaim 489:3). Similarly, any woman who chooses to count the Omer may say a blessing prior to saying it [if they have not missed any previous days, as is the law by men] (Shulchan Aruch HaRav). However, some Ashkenazi poskim rule that women should not recite a blessing over the Omer count because they do not pray [Ma’ariv] in the synagogue and are therefore more likely to miss a day. If anyone misses a day of counting the Omer, that person continues to count the Omer without a bracha. Thus, there is a concern that a woman may not realize that she forgot to count and will continue counting with a blessing (Mishna Berura 489:3). 

One of the most renowned and respected halachic authorities of our time, Rav Asher Weiss Shlit”a, holds that women today are wise and know to read from the siddur. They also have access to calendars and newspapers, in which the day of the count is written daily. For this reason, our wives and daughters act correctly to recite a beracha over the count. Still, in my humble opinion, a woman who knows that she likely will not complete the count correctly, should not begin reciting a beracha over the count at all, since there are later authorities who maintain that if one skips a day, the earlier berachot were retroactively said in vain…  but even in this case one who is lenient has not lost anything… (Women in the Mitzvah of Sefirat Ha-Omer). The numerous apps email and what’s app reminders today only strengthen Rav Weiss’s position.

The Kabbalistic Perspective

Although certainly permitted, the reason I personally do not count the Omer is based on the following Zohar: “Since these days [of Sefirah] are days from the realm of the masculine this count [of the Omer] was given over exclusively to the men alone” (Zohar, Part 3,98b). I connect deeply to the Kabbalistic perspective and act according to it, as long as it doesn’t contradict the Ashkenazi halacha. While I was doing research on the topic of Women and Counting the Omer, I came across a scholarly article by Israel Koschitzky Virtual Beit Midrash, Sefirat Ha-Omer. It includes sources from early Rabbis such as Rambam, Ramban, Rabbeinu Tam, Tosafot etc. Among these classical commentaries, I surprisingly found the following unexpected paraphrase quote : Uniquely, Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, of Bat Ayin, who has personally relinquished fulfilling this mitzvah for Kabbalistic reasons, expresses the power she sees in the count, and in the Omer period, even when not counting:[13]

Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, The Controversy of Women and Counting the Omer

Counting the Omer teaches us the concept of the ascending pattern, where one day builds upon the next. In effect, the whole point of the ritual is to collect days. By using a simple and short act of consciousness, we prevent our days from blurring into each other. We can make every day count... Each day of counting the Omer, from Pesach to Shavuot, we have the opportunity to add a new layer of refinement to our character. Counting the Omer is an elevating ripening process that culminates on Shavuot in our ability to receive the Torah and become complete. This time-period reflects the process of the building and flowering of the surrounding nature. Here in Israel, where we, like the fruits, are gradually ripening to become the perfect crop, ready to be picked on Shavuot as Hashem's holy bride…I believe that the feminine focus during the Omer season is to meditate on the daily sefirah combinations and internalize their messages…

For further explanation on the kabbalistic perspective of counting the Omer see the full article http://rebbetzinchanabracha.blogspot.com/2016/05/the-controversy-of-women-and-counting.html