What is the Secret to Overcoming the Inner Emptiness that We Sometimes Experience?

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Parashat Vayislach
What is the Secret to Overcoming the Inner Emptiness that We Sometimes Experience?

Why Do We Sometimes Feel Empty Inside Even When Things Are Going Well?
Sometimes we feel this emptiness inside that is difficult to explain. It is like an inner lack that we cannot place, but it sucks our energy and makes us sad. Sometimes the inner emptiness even makes us sink into depression. I have often experienced this internal lack in my heart, even when I can count all my blessings intellectually. After having prayed and prayed and then finally Hashem answered my prayer, the initial rush of riding on the height of gratitude often takes a downward plunge into the abyss of darkness. This happened to me a while after my innumerable prayers for a baby were answered, and recently after Hashem answered my years of prayer for his soulmate. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatically grateful for these blessings and others as well, and I do express this gratitude often. Yet, even when I sing Hashem’s praises and thank Him for all the many blessings, He has bestowed upon me – a recommended practice – at times I feel that something is still missing deep down, and I know that I’m not alone. I have this insatiable yearning for something more… to feel a deeper connection… to be part of something much greater – to tap into the infinite. When I studied the interaction between Ya’acov and Esau, I had an Aha moment, that this sense of lack stems from following Esau’s outlook, which is disconnected from infinity rather than tapping into Ya’acov’s deepest attachment to the source of all.

What is the Difference Between Having a Lot and Having it All?
When Ya’acov returned to face his brother after years of separation, he presented him with a generous gift of livestock. Esau reacted seemingly nicely by generously refusing his brother’s gift on the grounds of having plenty himself and no need for Ya’acov’s gift.

ספר בראשית פרק לג פסוק ט וַיֹּאמֶר עֵשָׂו יֶשׁ לִי רָב אָחִי יְהִי לְךָ אֲשֶׁר לָךְ:

“But Esau said, ‘I have plenty, my brother; keep that which is yours’” (Bereishit 33:9).

Although Esau called Ya’acov with the endearing title “My brother” Rashi explains that by saying I have a lot, Esau, spoke haughtily, “I have plenty,” [meaning] much more than I need. – [from Tanchuma Vayishlach 3] (Rashi, ibid.).  

In the end, Ya’acov convinced Esau to receive his gift, by proclaiming that he (Ya’acov) was not only favorited with plenty by G-d, but moreover, he had everything.

ספר בראשית פרק לג פסוק יא קַח נָא אֶת בִּרְכָתִי אֲשֶׁר הֻבָאת לָךְ כִּי חַנַּנִי אֱלֹהִים וְכִי יֶשׁ לִי כֹל וַיִּפְצַר בּוֹ וַיִּקָּח:

“Now take my gift, which has been brought to you, for G-d has favored me [with it], and [because] I have everything.’ He [Ya’acov] prevailed over him, and he [Esau] took [it]” (Bereishit 33:11).

From the difference between Esau and Ya’acov’s attitudes regarding their blessings, we can extract vital life lessons about how to overcome a feeling of inner lack. Yet, what is the difference between Esau’s statement “I have a lot (רָב/rav)” and Ya’acov’s declaration of having it all (כֹל/chol)? Both statements seem to express gratitude and satisfaction with their lot in life.

The Esau Drive for Ephemeral Pleasures

Kli Yakar explains that although Esav claimed to have much, those who are bent on physical and materialistic pleasures never feel they have it all. There was a survey in Reader’s Digest of the amount that people in different earning brackets felt needed to be truly happy. The results uncannily backed up the words of our sages who stated, “If one has one hundred, he wants two hundred, if he has two hundred, he wants four hundred” (Midrash Kohelet Rabbah 1:13). The following story about two terminally ill patients confined to hospital beds contrasts Esau and Ya’acov’s attitude to life. One patient was next to a window and able to see outside while the other patient was not. All day long he would recount to his friend the beauty outside. The majestic trees overlooking the sparkling lake where the rowboats rippled through the water, the ball games on the fields next to the children playing on the grass. At first, the other patient enjoyed the descriptions but soon became overcome with jealousy. “Why is he able to see all this beauty but not I? I want his bed!” A few nights later his roommate passed away. The nurse asked the other patient if he’d like to be moved next to the window. He answered in the affirmative and his bed was wheeled over. As soon as the nurse left the room, he excitedly looked out the window to finally see the wondrous sights for himself. He quickly discerned the dirty gray wall of the adjacent apartment building. From here we learn that happiness and satisfaction result not from what we have but rather, from how we deal with and view what we have. When we “have it all” like Ya’acov we will be able to turn even a dirty gray wall into the most exquisite landscape! (Yisroel Ciner, Project Genesis, Inc.)

The Divine Attribute of  כֹּל/Kol

While Esau’s attitude of “I have a lot” doesn’t necessarily satisfy the need to have more, as it is known that no matter how much we have there always seems to be more. Yet, by saying “I have it all” Ya’acov expresses great satisfaction with his lot in life. When “I have everything” what else can I want? When we yearn for spiritual growth and accomplishment, we understand that Hashem sends us exactly all that we need in terms of material possessions. As we say in our daily morning blessings: “She’asah li kol tzarchi” – You have given me all of my needs. In Grace after Meals the section called Hatov Vehametiv  we recite “…just as our fathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Ya’acov were blessed בַּכֹּל מִכֹּל כֹּל/ba kol mikol kol – with everything, from everything, everything, so too may He bless all of us together with a complete blessing and let us say Amen.” We commemorate that each of our patriarchs was blessed particularly through the expression “כֹּל/kol – all.” “When Avraham was old, advanced in years, Hashem blessed Avraham בַּכֹּל/bakol – with everything’ (Bereishit 24:1). Yitzchak likewise was blessed with this same expression, “Then Yitzchak got very scared and said, ‘Who was it that hunted game and brought it to me and I ate מִכֹּל/mikol – ‘from everything’ before you came, and I blessed him; he too will remain blessed” (Bereishit 27:33). Likewise, we have seen how Ya’acov uses the same expression when facing Esau “…G-d has favored me and I have כֹּל/kol –‘everything’ (Bereishit 33:11). Ramban brings us a very deep explanation of the concept כֹּל/kol, containing a secret from the secrets of the Torah. It refers to a great concept that Hashem has an attribute called כֹּל/kol, because it is the foundation of everything, and about it is written “I am Hashem, maker of כֹּל/kol – ‘everything’” (Yesha’yahu 42:24); (Ramban, Bereishit 24:1).

Tapping into the Unified Source of Abundance
How can anyone say that he has everything, isn’t there always something more to have?
The fundamental difference between “a lot” and “all” is that “a lot” refers to quantitative increase: a lot of power and abundance, yet “all” alludes to the unified source of abundance. Sometimes after teaching a class, I leave with an unsatisfied feeling of not having flowed well with the shiur. Then in review, I find that I indeed did teach many worthy Torah concepts to my students. Yet, the unified root that connects all the concepts was missing. When Ya’acov says he has “everything” he means that he is connected to the Almighty, from which it follows that he is connected to all the goodness and abundance in existence. For a person who has an inner sense of lack, of emptiness, its true fulfillment is only the attachment to G-d to “all.” Esau belongs to those people who are trying to collect more and more things from the world. Esau is so happy and pleased with his great power in collecting things that, with the generosity of the victor, he tells Ya’acov, “It’s okay, I have much more than you. I don’t need favors.” But in contrast, Ya’acov makes it clear to Esau that he is not at all concerned with multiplicity, but with attachment to the source, to the root, to what enlivens everything. 

Know Him in All Your Ways!
Our great test is whether we succeed in being connected to the Master of all, to the inner dimension of everything, and whether we understand and live in a way in which all our actions are connected to the great principles of life. “Know Him in all your ways” (Mishlei 3:6). The ability to be connected to “all,” despite the multiple ways of the world, is the essence of our service in the world. It is written that Ya’acov merited “an inheritance without boundaries.” This is because of his ability to be connected to everything – to reach beyond all narrow constraints and become part of infinity. “... Whoever cleaves to the upper root, whatever he has is an aspect of “all,” because everything has a point of vitality in it from Hashem, and “all” is included within this point.” (Sefat Emet, Bereishit, Parashat Vayishlach, Year 1871). May we merit to fulfill “Know Him in all your ways,” and thus be blessed in every way! (Yeshivat Har Beracha).

 

 

             

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Vayishlach

This meditation is to help us get in touch with the aspect of “all,” and cleave to the upper root.

• Settle Yourself and Become Aware of Your Breath – Take three deep breaths, breathing in, breathing out. Breathe in positivity, breathe out, and let go of old and stale air, stories, and complaints. Breathe in, breathe out. Sit with our attention on the breath. Relax your body, drop your shoulders, and be still. 
• Recall Your Blessings and Accomplishments – With every inhale increase positivity and well-being. Exhale all the negative emotional toxins. Allow your mind to wander over all your blessings and accomplishments in life. Let each of them pass before you and thank Hashem for them one by one. Keep breathing.
• Allow Yourself to Feel Fulfilled and Express Gratitude – Recite in your mind’s eye, “I have everything I need right now.” Repeat this sentence over and over like a mantra. Thank Hashem with all your heart for fulfilling all your needs.  
• Tune Into the Root Connecting all of Your Blessings – Keep breathing and open your heart to truly get in touch with the “everything” that Hashem is granting you.  Allow your mind to go deeper into the inner divine root of everything good in your life. 
• Expand Your Boundaries to Tap into Infinity – Ponder how Ya’acov merited “an inheritance without boundaries” via his ability to reach beyond all narrow boundaries and become part of infinity. Visualize seeing yourself in the mirror holding a mirror in which you see yourself and, in that mirror, you are also holding a mirror ad infinitum.
• Stay attuned to ‘the all’ of Divine Infinity – Pray to visualize weaving all the strands of your blessings into one. Pray to reach beyond all narrow limitations and become part of infinity. Recite bakol, mikol, kol while tuning into how our patriarchs were blessed with all. Repeat this recitation several times.
• Pray to Hashem to Know Him in All Your ways – Recite: “May I truly tap into the consciousness that every blessing and accomplishment in my everyday life are part of the Holy Divine realm.
• Repeat These Affirmations to Yourself – Take a deep breath at the end of each sentence. “I am a Jew connected to my Divine Essence!” “Sometimes I do not know. It is OK not to know. What is not known is an invitation to be curious and to discover. I do my best. I let go of the rest.” “I trust that whatever Hashem gives me whether revealed or concealed good, is exactly what I need to reach my full potential.” “My feeling of lack is being filled right now by the root of the Divine all.”  
• Return Your Attention to Your breath – If your mind wanders off, come back to the home base of Your breath. Allow yourself to feel at rest, welcome the feeling of peace and serenity.
• On the Next Breath, Gently and Easily, open your eyes – and return your attention to the space you are in.

What do We Learn from Lavan about the Current Ingratitude Epidemic?

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Parashat Vayetze
What do We Learn from Lavan about the Current Ingratitude Epidemic?

Why Are We Experiencing a Gratitude Deficit?

Although I wasn’t raised in a Torah-observant home, I was raised with many vital Jewish values, sadly lacking today even in Torah-observant homes. From a young age, my parents ingrained within my sisters and me the attitude of gratitude. We were taught to write thank you letters to anyone who gave us a gift. It was the old-fashioned kind of thank you that came with an envelope and a stamp, and that had to be brought to the mailbox! After the family dinner, no one was allowed to leave the dining room table before first saying “Thank you for the meal!” to Mom. This practice was extended to any host at any time and place. Today it takes little effort to write a WhatsApp with a thank you sticker, nevertheless, I know many people who are feeling unappreciated by their children and grandchildren. After spending much time, effort, and money to find the perfect birthday or Chanukah gift, they hardly receive a word of thanks. What is the reason for the current gratitude deficit that plagues the world, including Jewish communities whether Torah-observant or not? Is it because people lack the emotional tools to understand the connection between receiving a gift and expressing their thanks? Can people not comprehend the joy of connection when closing the circle by saying, “Thank you”? Psychologist Dr. Archibald Hart warns about the growing number of people who are increasingly unable to experience pleasure, which contributes to our cultural epidemic of ingratitude (Archibald Hart, 2007: Thrilled to Death: How the Endless Pursuit of Pleasure Is Leaving Us Numb). It seems that the main reason for our current ingratitude epidemic is the overflow of material prosperity. With so much great stuff in our lives, we find it harder and harder to feel pleasure in the little things. The more we have, the less grateful we are for what we have and what we get. Moreover, all the technological innovations with their plethora of engaging stimuli and activities, especially the smartphone, distracts people from being in touch with their feelings and diverts them from meaningful interaction and expressions of gratitude. As children and adults alike demand more and more, the attitude of entitlement spreads like wildfire. Gratitude is dwindling since material wealth cannot satiate the soul that longs for the material pleasures of this world. Our sages teach: “He who has 100 wants 200, and he who has 200 wants 400” (Midrash Kohelet Rabbah 3:13). Ingratitude is a result of always wanting more and never feeling satisfied. Our consumer society amplifies the dictum, “The pleasures of this world can be compared to a person who drinks salt water. It appears to him that he has quenched his thirst, but afterward he is even more thirsty” (Vilna Gaon, Alim Letrufa).

Ingratitude Toward Others Leads to Denial of Hashem’s Kindness

What is gratitude and thankfulness? Where lies their source in the human psyche? And from where does ingratitude stem – a trait from which humanity suffers? Gratitude stems from a desire to be kind, which includes an inherent desire to act in kind to something that shows us kindness. Whereas gratitude derives from the ‘giving’ force, ingratitude is a result of the drive to take. People can be divided into ‘givers’ and ‘takers.’ The only desire of the ‘giver’ types is to do good and to give to others. Therefore, they feel a distaste for free gifts. When receiving something they will reflexively wish to ‘give back.’ If they are unable to do so, at the very least their heart will be full of gratitude which they generously express. But the ‘taker’ type wants everything for himself, whether by theft, deception, or gift and in his heart, he will feel that the world is his and open for his taking. When he receives something, he will never feel the need to repay anything at all. He has no recollection of having received it at all (Based on Rav Dessler, Michtav M’Eliyahu, volume I, p.46). The Hebrew word תוֹדָה/todah both means thankyou and admitting. Saying “thank you” is admitting our indebtedness to someone who did us a favor or gave us a present. Perhaps the growing insecurity and lack of self-confidence we experience in our time make us shy away from the humiliating feeling of owing thanks to anyone. Yet, a basic tenet of Judaism is to recognize how everything we have – including our lives – are undeserved G-d-given gifts. Thus, to serve Hashem properly we must uproot all remnants of ungratefulness from our psyche and deepen our feelings of gratitude. Therefore, we must hone and refine the character trait of gratitude and extend it to everyone and everything from the Almighty Creator who continually bestows us with kindness to the inanimate rock that helped us climb the mountain. The importance of developing an appreciation of anything that benefits us in any way is the core of the prohibition of waste. When we refrain from showing gratitude, and in the case of the inanimate – ruins it – we are directly ruining our own inborn trait of gratitude. The ruination of the fundamentally Jewish concept of gratitude will eventually lead to the collapse of all moral and Jewish values. As it states, “One who denies his friend’s kindness will eventually deny his Creator’s kindness” (Rabbenu Bachaya, Shemot 1:8).

Lavan’s Attitude of Ingratitude and Entitlement

Lavan personifies ingratitude. Before Ya’acov arrived, Lavan only had daughters and limited means, this is why he had to use his beautiful daughter Rachel as a sheepherder. As soon as Ya’acov came, Lavan was immediately blessed with sons as well as with tremendous prosperity. (Midrash Tanchuma Shemot 16); (Rashi, Bereishit 30:27). Nevertheless, Lavan treated Ya’acov disrespectfully and without care the entire time (See Bereishit 31:38-41 with Rashi). When Ya’acov finally left, Lavan even tried to kill him, as we learn from the words of G-d to Lavan, “Beware of attempting anything with Ya’acov, good or bad” (Bereishit 31:24). G-d would not have warned Lavan against harming Ya’acov, had Lavan not intended to do so. Nevertheless, he came with his sons – who were only given to Lavan in Ya’acov’s merit – to kill him. Thus, the Alshich refers to Lavan as the epitome of an ingrate (Shoshanat Amukim, Shir HaShirim 6:5-8).

ספר בראשית פרק לא פסוק מג וַיַּעַן לָבָן וַיֹּאמֶר אֶל יַעֲקֹב הַבָּנוֹת בְּנֹתַי וְהַבָּנִים בָּנַי וְהַצֹּאן צֹאנִי וְכֹל אֲשֶׁר אַתָּה רֹאֶה לִי הוּא…

“Lavan answered and said to Ya’acov, ‘The daughters are my daughters, and the sons are my sons, and the animals are my animals, and all that you see is mine…’” (Bereishit 31:43)

In Lavan’s eyes, everything was his. He knew no other way. A corrupt person feels everything belongs to him, and that which is not his own – is merely not yet. He owes nothing to anyone, and as the famous saying goes – “nothing is more comfortable than a clean conscience.” This is the polar opposite of everything a Jew strives for, and we must distance ourselves from this character trait. This phenomenon of ingratitude is Lavan’s inheritance bequeathed in full measure to the general non-Jewish world. The Jew may be elevated, exploited, rewarded, or persecuted but rarely if ever is he truly appreciated. The world has a mental block against truly recognizing the role of the Jew in the progress of civilization. In our current world, that mental block has been extended to focus mainly on the Jewish state of Israel (Rabbi Berel Wein). We look forward to the day – may it be real soon – when “They shall neither harm nor destroy on all My holy mount, for the world shall be full of the knowledge of Hashem as water covers the seabed” (Yesha’yahu 11:9).

 

 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Vayetze

The red thread of Parashat Vayetze is beaded with rocks. The word אֶבֶן/even – ‘rock’ is mentioned no less than eleven times in this week’s parasha, in three different sections. Each time the rocks connect with Ya’acov in miraculous ways, The first one plays its part in Ya’acov’s famous dream. As he prepares to sleep, he takes some rocks for his headrest as it states, “Ya’acov approached, he arrived at the place and lodged there because the sun had set, and he took some of the rocks of the place and placed [them] at his head, and he lay down in that place” (Bereishit 28:11). Yet when Ya’acov awakes the rocks had become one rock as it states, “He took the rock [in the singular] that he had placed at his head, and he set it up as a monument, and he poured oil on top of it” (Bereishit 28:18). Rashi explains that since all the rocks wanted to be the one upon which Ya’acov would rest his head, Hashem made a miracle that they became one rock.  The second instance where a rock is mentioned is when Ya’acov first met Rachel and “rolled off the rock from upon the mouth of the well and watered the sheep of Lavan…” (Bereishit 29:10). Hashem granted him miraculous strength to remove the heavy rock that normally needed a large group of men to unroll together, “as one who removes a cork from a bottle, to let you know that he possessed great strength (Rashi ibid.).  The rocks also follow Ya’acov in Chapter 31 in his wise dealing with the animosity of Lavan and his sons, describing the covenant that Ya’acov made with Lavan after he miraculously managed to assuage them. The covenant of peace is symbolized and commemorated by a monument made of a pile of rocks, as it states, “So Ya’acov took a rock and set it up [as] a monument. Then Ya’acov said to his kinsmen, gather rocks, and they took rocks and made a pile, and they ate there by the pile. Lavan called it Yegar Sahadutha, but Ya’acov called it Gal Ed. And Lavan said, ‘This pile is a witness between me and you today…’”  (Bereishit 31:45-48). All this inspired me to share some gratitude exercises that involve rocks. 

•  Notice how Feelings of Discomfort Naturally Make the Little Goodies go Unnoticed – Try taking a group of children or adults on a hike and ask them to place a pebble in their shoe, positioning it in a place that is causing the least amount of discomfort. Pass out mints to each participant. At the end of the hike discuss the experience with the participants. You may learn that mint has gone unnoticed. Ask the participants if complaining made the situation easier. (Powerful lesson on complaining right there!) The lesson gleaned from this exercise is that life is full of difficulties and also full of sweet blessings. On which will you focus? Sometimes we hone in so tightly on the rock in our shoe, that we completely miss the enjoyment of the mint in our mouth. Don’t miss it! Rocks and mints are definitely part of everyone’s journey. 

• Make A Gratitude Rock – What is a gratitude rock? A gratitude rock is a small stone that fits in your pocket or on your desk. Decorate it with a word, phrase, or design that is calming and reminds you to be grateful! Make it unique to you by choosing a word or phrase to fill in the blank: When I’m grateful, I am also _________. Ex: When I’m grateful, I am also joyful!
• Here are the steps to making your own gratitude rock! Find a small rock! – Hunt for a small to medium stone in your backyard, front yard, or on a neighborhood walk.
• Chose Materials to Decorate Your Rock – You can use a permanent marker, paint, or paint markers
• Choose the Word to Describe Your Gratitude – (from the filled-in-the-blank above).
• Decorate your Rock – with dots, swirls, flowers, and more. Be creative!
• How to use your gratitude rock? You can keep your rock in your pocket, at your desk, or even on your bedside table.
• If you feel anxious, worried, or down, hold your rock, take 5 deep breaths, and repeat your word. Repeat until you feel your energy shift to a calmer state. Then say or think of three things you are grateful for.
• You can hold your rock daily while you practice mindfulness. Set a time for 5-10 minutes. Close your eyes and each time you breathe in, repeat your word to yourself (silent or out loud). End with your gratitude list.
• Starting a daily mindfulness practice is good for your brain health and processing emotions! Start small – 5 minutes the first week, 10 minutes the second week, and so on until you reach 20 or 30 minutes!