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Dear Rebbetzin,
I’ve been divorced for
more than ten years and am really exasperated by being set up with one weirdo
after the other without being suggested even one decent man to date. I’m sick
and tired of being alone and look forward to sharing my life with a quality man
that shares my values and interests. Last month, at a social event, I met the
nicest man. He was polite, intelligent, had a sense of humor and very
attractive. Even more so, he showed a great interest in me and seemed to really
understand me. You can only imagine my disappointment when I found out that he
is a Kohen and prohibited from marrying a divorced woman. I’m so frustrated
about this and have a very hard time understanding this law. Why does the Torah
have to be so restrictive preventing two single people from sharing their love
and life?
Marian
Willner (name changed)
Dear
Marian,
How I feel for you in your
loneliness and frustration. After all these years, you finally found a man of
your heart and then it turns out that the Torah prohibits a marriage between
you. The man with whom you fell in love seems to be like any other Jewish man,
and the fact that he happens to be a Kohen doesn’t seem to make much of a
difference in our current reality. So, in your case, it is indeed hard to
understand why the Torah seems so cruel.
The Spiritual Leadership of the Kohen
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| The Blessing of the Kohanim at the Kotel during Sukkot |
The Torah laws
preserve the eternal reality even if at a given time they may seem irrelevant.
Today, a Kohen may appear no different than any other Jew, however, we need to
understand his being selected for special holiness. The Kohen was given the
role of the foremost religious leader of the Jewish people. He served in the Temple and was exclusively involved in the study
and practice of the Torah and the spiritual development of Israel. His ancestry
is from the most distinguished family – a direct descendant of Aharon the High
Priest. Throughout Jewish History, the Kohen was granted the highest status of
communal leadership, together with the king, the prophet, the judge and the
scholar. Whereas, the king provided national stability, the judge social
stability, the Kohen provided religious stability and continuity. He connected people
with Hashem through offering the sacrifices; he was a spiritual healer, a judge
and a teacher. Thus, it was vital to preserve the purity of the Kohen’s heredity. Therefore, due to the special
holiness of the Kohen, the Torah places certain restrictions on him: He is
forbidden any contact with the dead, except for his own immediate family and
the abandoned dead; and there are restrictions regarding whom he is permitted
to marry.
The Role of the Kohen in Our Time
Unlike the
determination of Jew or non-Jew, which follows the mother, the tribe is passed
down from the father. The Kohen inherits his status from his father and
bequeaths it in turn to his son. While the primary functions of the Kohen have been suspended since the destruction
of the Temple, certain functions remain. He delivers the Kohanim blessing in
the synagogue on holidays in the Diaspora and daily in Israel; and he officiates as the representative
of the Temple in Pidyion HaBen (Redemption of the First-Born) thirty
days after the birth of a first-born male. He is called first to the Torah, and
he has the privilege of leading the grace after meals. Just as the Kohen has certain honors, he also has certain restrictions. To maintain
the purity of the Kohen’s lineage he was kept to stricter marriage standards
than his Jewish brothers.
The Marriage Restrictions of the Kohen
Parashat
Emor opens with
restrictions for the Kohanim (Vayikra 21:1-8), in order to preserve
their special holiness. Since they are designated by G-d to serve Him in a more
intimate capacity that other Jews, they are required to maintain a higher
spiritual level. Their marriage restrictions are sandwiched between two Torah
verses emphasizing the additional holiness of the Kohanim. “They shall be holy
unto their G‑d, and not profane the name of their G‑d, for the offerings of the
Lord made by fire, the bread of their G‑d, they do offer; therefore shall they
be holy” (Vayikra 21:6). The following verse emphasizes the strict
requirements for their family purity. This includes the
prohibitive commandment that forbids a Kohen from marrying a divorced woman as
it states:
ספר ויקרא פרק כא
פסוק ז אִשָּׁה זֹנָה וַחֲלָלָה לֹא יִקָּחוּ
וְאִשָּׁה גְּרוּשָׁה מֵאִישָׁהּ לֹא יִקָּחוּ כִּי קָדשׁ הוּא לֵאלֹהָיו:
“They shall
not take as wife a zonah (woman who has violated sexual prohibitions),
or chalalah (woman of defective Kohen status); neither shall they marry a gerushah (divorced
woman); for he is holy unto his G‑d” (Vayikra 21:7).
The following
Torah verse instructs the Israelites to honor the Kohen: “You shall sanctify him because he
offers the bread of your G‑d; he shall be holy to you; for I Hashem, Who
sanctify you, am holy” (Vayikra 21:8). The wordקָדוֹשׁ /kadosh
– ‘holy’ means separate. This is learned from the fact that the first time the
word appears in the Torah is in connection with the Shabbat which is separate
from the six days of creation (Bereishit 2:3). Likewise, the additional
holiness of the Kohen is distinguished by certain separations. Although a
regular Kohen is not restricted to marry
only a virgin, he is prohibited from marrying certain women who have had an intimate
relationship with another man. He is prohibited from marrying a divorcee (even
his own divorced wife); a chalalah (woman of defective Kohen status), zonah (a
woman who previously violated certain sexual prohibitions, including having
relations with a non-Jew), or a giyoret (convert). If he marries any of them,
their children likewise become chalalim
(defective Kohanim). Sons do not have priestly status, and daughters may not
marry kohanim. Thus a woman who is Jewish from birth, not a challalah
and never married, may marry a Kohen even though she has had premarital
relations, provided none of her partners were prohibited to her.
The Kohen’s
Prohibition from Marrying a Divorcee does not Reflect any Blemish in Her
The prohibition
of a Kohen to marry certain women seems somewhat condescending to these women,
especially in light of the Torah’s reasoning that a Kohen is required to be קָדוֹשׁ /kadosh
– ‘holy,’ implying that a divorcee is an inappropriate wife for one who is
holy! Why does the Torah penalize a
woman who had a bad marriage, through no fault of her own, and has now met a
Kohen who wants to give her a new life? Did not Amram, father of Miriam and
Aharon, remarry Yocheved after divorcing her, who then gave birth to the holy
Moshe Rabbeinu? I was mulling over this question for quite a while, unsatisfied
with the answers I found on the net, until my husband came up with an answer
that truly made sense. Since the Kohen is a direct descendant from Aharon, who
is known to be the peacemaker in Israel, who “loves shalom and pursues shalom”
(Pirkei Avot 1:12), the role of the Kohanim, as well, is to restore
peace between family members, neighbors, friends and most importantly between
husband and wife. Therefore, the lineage of the Kohen precludes the divorcee,
whose marriage did not succeed. In order to preserve the ability of the Kohen
to fulfill his elevated role properly, the seed of the Kohen must spring only
from Jewish offspring of stable lasting marriages.
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