We Are What We Speak

Parashat Tazria-Metzora

It is the Torah’s emphasis on morality and ethics – especially the laws of guarding our tongue, that originally attracted me to authentic Judaism. Although I didn’t grow up in a Torah observant home, I hail from an upright family, that emphasizes the importance of living a moral life of honesty and kindness. I recall how my mother would always say when we were kids, “If you don’t have something positive to say, then remain silent!” Even if it took some time for these wise words to seep in, they made a lasting impression and resonated with the essence of my soul. Last week, I wrote about, “You are What you Eat?” Yet, it is an even truer statement to say that “We are what we speak.” Unkelos comments on the Torah verse, “…Adam became a living soul” (Bereishit 2:7), והות באדם לרוח ממללא –“He imbued Adam with a speaking spirit.” Likewise, Rashi highlights that the difference between animals and humans is that “the human soul is the most highly developed of all of them because he was granted understanding and speech.” Our speech reflects who we are more than anything else. When a person engages in negative speech, G-d forbid, he exposes his own negativity. His disparaging words reflect back on himself more than on the subject of his criticism. When he keeps putting other people down, he draws negativity to himself. Therefore, I was saddened by the harshness of many of the comments to my blog on Parashat Vayikra, sharing why I chose to get vaccinated. I was not expecting everyone to agree with me, but judgmental statements such as, “This woman is highly irresponsible…” “She is completely ignorant…” “she should repent…” etc. sadly belong to the category of lashon hara (negative speech), which is not limited to words said behind a person’s back. Conversely, when an offensive word never leaves our lips, it demonstrates our integrity as a refined person. I cannot call myself a saint in this matter. I especially find it hard not to alleviate my heart to my husband about the inappropriate behavior and speech I’ve experienced from others. Yes, I am aware that it is permitted to alleviate our heart to a therapist, mentor, or even a close friend (that would include ‘our significant other’). The problem is to set the boundary when we begin to speak. Rabbi Kessing’s words: “Although you are allowed to vent, who says you can be an air-conditioner?” really hit home! I’d like to share my thoughts on the health benefits of guarding our tongue, why it is so hard to keep this important mitzvah, and tips on how to overcome the pitfalls.  

Why is it so Hard to Guard Our Tongue? 
It is sooooo hard to guard our tongue! The Talmud states, “We all fall prey to a tinge of lashon hara” (Baba Batra 165a). Our evil impulse is always strongest in areas, which are most important and vital for achieving our perfection. Rebbe Nachman explains that all speech is [initially] nice, pleasant, and important – the aspect of Sarah, with whom the Shechina was dwelling. However, it is sometimes snatched by the ‘other side’ or the klipot [husks]. Instead of emerging through the mouth, speech then comes out from the ‘neck’ (and it is possible sometimes to hear that speech does not emerge from the mouth, but rather from the throat/ neck). The klipot always wants to seize speech for themselves and bend it to the wrong means, so they can gain power from our misdeeds. I was thinking about several more tangible reasons for our tendency to speak lashon hara. First of all, since eating from the Tree of Knowledge, the primeval inclination to blame others became part of the inherent human instinctive nature. Adam blamed Chava, and Chava blamed the snake in return. We still carry that inherent shame and guilt-feeling injected by the snake, which we mistakenly believe we can eject from ourselves by blaming someone else. When we feel unworthy and struggle with a lack of self-confidence, putting someone else down, may temporarily give us a false self-image boost. 

Evil Speech May Be an Addiction
Lastly, I believe that lashon hara is addictive. When we are in pain, we may turn to the chocolate bar, the bottle, or to an outburst of negative speech in order to numb ourselves to our personal pain. Negative speech can be a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness, and loneliness. Yet, if we train ourselves to check in with our inner selves and get in touch with what woes triggered the negative emotions that lead to negative speech, we may be able to prevent it, or at least stop it midway. Even if we already began speaking lashon hara, and we may think that everything is lost, it is not too late to stop- just as when a person begins to eat cookies and thinks that she may as well finish the box. This is not so. For every single additional word that we avoid, an immense light is created, as it states, “Every single moment that a person stops his mouth, he merits the hidden light, that no angel or any creature can even imagine (Chafetz Chayim, Hilchot Lashon Hara 1:7). Meditation, conscious breathing, journaling, forgiveness including self-forgiveness, therapy and more may alleviate the urge to spill out all that poison. 

Using the Paraphrase: “This is for a Beneficial Purpose.”
I can’t recall exactly where I learned that, whenever it is permitted for a constructive purpose to say something disparaging about someone, we must introduce our words with, “I’m saying this for a beneficial purpose.” I used to be really strict about this, but when it is obvious, for example, when I speak with my staff about a problem with a student, the purpose of the conversation is to assist and problem solve, it seems unnecessary, and this paraphrasing went down the drain. However, after teaching Guarding Our Tongue recently, I decided to once again be strict on introducing every word of well-meaning, critical speech with, “This is for a beneficial purpose.” The reason for this is that such a preface will help us to keep our words in check and ensure that we don’t go overboard, saying extra words that are unwarranted to make the necessary points. 

Divine Retribution for Evil Speech
In Parashat Tazria we are introduced to the spiritual disease of tzara’at: 

ספר ויקרא פרק יג פסוק ב אָדָם כִּי יִהְיֶה בְעוֹר בְּשָׂרוֹ שְׂאֵת אוֹ סַפַּחַת אוֹ בַהֶרֶת וְהָיָה בְעוֹר בְּשָׂרוֹ לְנֶגַע צָרָעַת וְהוּבָא אֶל אַהֲרֹן הַכֹּהֵן אוֹ אֶל אַחַד מִבָּנָיו הַכֹּהֲנִים:

“When anyone has a swelling or a rash or a bright spot on his skin that may become an infectious skin disease, he must be brought to Aaron the kohen or to one of his sons, the kohanim” (Vayikra 13:2). The Midrash views tzara’at as an external sign of internal decay. “Israel is only afflicted with plagues due to lashon hara…this is what caused them tzara’at…” (Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 18:4). In Biblical times, when people engaged in evil speech, they would experience direct retribution, becoming infected by tza’ra’at. They would go through a period of isolation and healing, which would be their atonement. Today, we no longer have this spiritual disease. Although speaking lashon hara no longer results in direct physical symptoms, and we don’t get a long nose like Pinocchio, the impurity of derogatory speech still cleaves to a person’s soul, G-d forbid. The effect of the lashon hara, sadly, may need to be expiated in the world-to-come, where the evil speaker may find his soul is infected with tza’ra’at. When the impurity of his soul will be revealed there, he will not be able to enter the palace of Hashem in the Garden of Eden. If he didn’t repent properly, he will need to sit alone outside the camp of Israel, in the place of the klipot in the world above (The Chafetz Chayim, The Gate of Commemoration, Chapter 6, The influence of lashon hara on the Soul). 

No Better Protection from Plagues 
When we guard ourselves against lashon hara, we guard ourselves against the tza’ra’at of our soul, as it states, 

ספר משלי פרק כא ספר משלי פרק כא פסוק כג שֹׁמֵר פִּיו וּלְשׁוֹנוֹ שֹׁמֵרֹ מִצָּרוֹת נַפְשׁוֹ:

“The one who guards his mouth and tongue guards his soul from troubles” (Mishlei 21:23). Thus, becoming more careful with our use of words is advantageous in all ways, and will protect us from plagues and afflictions in this world and grant us eternal life in the next world. The midrash explains that although the men of Shmuel’s generation were great Torah scholars, they would go to war and fall, because there were words of accusation between them. In contrast, although the generation of Achav worshipped idols, when they would go to war, not one of them was killed, because there was no accusation between them (Midrash Tehillim 7). From this, we learn that there is no better way of healing and protection against any plague and ailment than to guard our tongue. May we all merit to eliminate evil speech and gossip and learn to speak only words of wisdom and kindness! May Hashem protect us all from any possible adverse side effects from the pandemic or G-d forbid from the vaccine!