Our Environment Influences our Struggle with Self-Esteem
As a spiritual healer, I often encounter women who suffer from a lack
of self-esteem. Many of them were raised by extremely critical parents,
especially by judgmental mothers. I do my best to build their self-esteem
through guided visualization, coaching, and positive affirmation. Being the
oldest of three sisters, I guess I was kind of born with a certain amount of
healthy self-confidence. The photo albums are always bursting with pictures of the
firstborn child – the one who transformed a couple into becoming parents, and I
was no exception. As an infant, I was quite precocious and became much admired for
talking and singing before I even turned one. In school, I did well
academically, so my self-confidence in that area grew as I matured. Yet, I was
less socially secure, and when it came to gym and sports, I was especially
insecure. I just didn’t know how to throw that ball with the certain kind of
flair for which many of my classmates were praised. In my teens, the constant
challenge of the subject of boys and dating increased my lack of self-esteem in
this area. I believe we all harbored thoughts like, “If he likes my girlfriend
more… perhaps there is something wrong with me?” I’m glad that my own children,
brought up in a Torah environment, were sheltered from such challenges. Not
that the religious world is spared from experiences that take their toll on the
self-esteem of many religious singles, who endure difficulties during the
shidduch process. Lacking self-confidence is a catch 22, that impedes success,
which in turn spirals down to a continuous lowering of success rate. Therefore,
we need to do our best to extend our support, especially to older singles. The
commercials that constantly bombard us with pictures of gorgeous, super thin, carefree, and wrinkle-free women, can also cause a nick in our self-confidence. I, too,
have suffered from dealing with my body image, growing up as the only
well-endowed girl among a mother and two thin sisters, without an extra gram
around their midriff. Thankfully, I was engaged, before turning twenty, to a
loving man. Our mutual love helps build each other’s self-confidence. Now, the
question is what is the Torah view on self-confidence? Perhaps, too much
self-esteem brings about arrogance? As Chassidim, aren’t we supposed to nullify
ourselves to the tzaddik, the Rabbis, and to Hashem?
The evil report of the spies is infamous in Parashat Shelach Lecha, and so is the acceptance of this report by the congregation. Their excessive crying brought about the destruction of our first two Temples, and the exile of the Israelites from our Holy Land. From their negative example, we learn about the importance of avoiding lashon hara (evil speech) by all means. In order not to repeat the sin of the spies, we need to unpack and uproot the underlying reason for their lashon hara and why the congregation believed it, which is equally detrimental. Let us examine the Torah verses that lead up to this and depict the negative speech of the spies that caused so much damage to the entire world:
In order to cause others to perceive us positively, we need to first regard ourselves that way. In our zeal to nullify ourselves and dispel arrogance, we may go to the other extreme. The Chafetz Chayim explains, that the mistake of the spies is also found within us, for we still have the same negative self-image. Seeing the abundant fruits of the land or the might of its people shows its virtue. However, someone with low self-esteem, becomes fearful, doubting whether he has enough merit to be deserving of this goodness. This is the scheme of the yetzer hara (negative impulse), which sometimes imbues a person with גַּאֲוָה/ga’ava – ‘arrogance’ to make him regard himself as much holier than he is. However, when the yetzer hara realizes that he is unable to influence us to become haughty, because we truly desire to strengthen our humility, for the sake of G-d’s honor, then it tries to depress us by filling our hearts with despair. The yetzer hara tries to get us by lowering our self-esteem, making us feel that a certain mitzvah is only for very righteous people, whereas we are unworthy of it. It makes us recall all our past sins, making us forget that we already repented for them. This is what caused the spies and the entire people to fall so low. The yetzer hara made them lose courage, by making them think that to conquer great giants like those they encountered in the holy land, they needed great merit. In their despair, they believed that the promise of the land depended on their righteousness. They thought, “Why would G-d destroy such great nations for lowly people and great sinners like us, who recently made the Golden Calf, and repeatedly complained during our journey in the wilderness?” Similarly, the vile scheme of the yetzer hara still makes us lose our self-confidence, to the extent that we no longer feel we have the capacity or desire to excel in Torah learning and mitzvah observance. This is exactly the goal of the yetzer hara. Let us not fall into its trap by indulging in low self-esteem that may prevent us from Torah learning and mitzvah observance, G-d forbid!
The spies retreated saying: “We cannot go up!” implying that they did not desire to scale the heights of spiritual perfection and ascend the ladder to the Holy Land. It was their lack of self-confidence that made them prefer to choose a captain and go back to Egypt, in order to descend to an impure land. Most of us need to work on overcoming arrogance on the one hand, without falling into despair on the other. The term ‘holy chutzpah’ is the kind of self-confidence needed in order to achieve great spiritual accomplishment. Without this kind of boldness, we will never be able to climb the ladder of perfection. Neither will we be able to take on positions of great responsibility, while thinking that we are too lowly for such attainments. Rashi explains that when the spies claimed, “We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we,” they were implying that the enemy was stronger than Hashem, G-d forbid. We learn this from the Hebrew word מִמֶּנּוּ/mimenu – “than we” which can also be read מִמֶּנּוֹ/mimeno – “than He.” The underlying motive for the self-doubt of the spies was their lack of trusting in Hashem. In contrast, we must have faith in our ability to perform mitzvot with G-d’s help. By recognizing that our vitality and power emanate from G-d, we will not be afraid to succeed in any mitzvah which comes our way. I thank Hashem for empowering me, a small unworthy woman, with enough self-confidence to start a midrasha for women and maintain it for nearly 25 years, as well as to publish several books. You, too, can spread your light to the world by working on accomplishing your spiritual mission. Don’t fall into the trap of the spies by thinking that you are not good enough, or that you will never succeed. By strengthening your self-confidence, you can begin to take the first step in the right direction. Then, surely, Hashem will complete your holy endeavor!
Very interesting and significant post.
ReplyDeleteThank you !
Great post, thank you :)
ReplyDeleteWonderful!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and very Chashuv! Learned so much from here. Thank you so much!
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