I’m so grateful for my wonderful staff and students. Even when I must deal with boring administrative tasks or challenging situations, I always remind myself how it’s such a zchut (privilege) to be able to teach and mentor such beautiful neshamot and help enable them to make their Torah home in Israel. Over the years I have learned so much from my students, and the challenging situations have taught me to grow in my own character, avoid taking things personally, and be less judgmental and more loving, compassionate, and understanding. Among the challenging situations, I recall a student (let’s call her Devorah) who had a conflict with one of my prior madrichot several years ago. The madricha (student counselor) had set her up for Shabbat meals with families in the community, but it happened once that Devorah changed plans a few times and then canceled one of the meals she had asked to be set up for at the last minute. While Devorah expressed that she didn’t think it was a big deal to cancel, the madricha was frustrated by the entire back and forth, and she told her that she no longer would continue to arrange meals for her in the community. This was so upsetting to Devorah, that she went to seek comfort by venting to her friends. When Devorah told me that her friends shared negative feelings and complaints about the madricha, calling her “condescending and mean,” I explained that this was lashon hara (evil speech). Any student who finds fault with a staff member or anyone at B’erot should come directly to me. It is permitted and considered for a beneficial purpose to report to the director since she is responsible for taking care of such matters. Yet, it is absolutely forbidden and lashon hara to the greatest degree for a student to talk negatively to another student about a B’erot staff member (or about anyone). Devorah argued that she had heard from numerous Torah teachers that “talking about your feelings with a friend in this way is ok since it helps you process your emotions and feel better sooner. If you get bullied by someone, and your friends support you and validate that that person is a bully, this would not be considered Lashon Hara” she claimed. I sadly didn’t get a chance to respond. However, being aware of the complexities of the laws of guarding your tongue, I’d like to discuss the blind spots of this statement according to the principles of the Chafetz Chaim, how it plays out in Parashat Shelach Lecha and how developing gratitude can help us avoid speaking lashon hara.
Is it Permitted to Vent to a Friend About Being Treated Unjustly by a Fellow Jew? The need to vent is common especially among women, as we tend to be easily emotionally affected, and need to process our emotions before a listening ear (what are husbands for?). So, if you are a single woman, venting your hurt feelings to your friends is natural. A highly negative experience can cause much harm and sharing it with a spouse, or a close friend can be essential to getting over it smoothly. If the negative tale is required – a shower/sleep won’t do the job – and it is related in the spirit of processing emotions, rather than as hateful and spiteful speech, it would possibly be exempted from the prohibition of lashon hara. Yet certain conditions must be met to make venting negative feelings permissible. I once heard from a tape by Rabbi Kessing that even if venting may be permitted, who told you, you can be an air conditioner?! Based on what I have learned from the Chafetz Chaim I understand from this statement that you must choose the people you vent to carefully. It is preferable to vent to a husband, a mentor, a therapist, or any trusted person who will help you see a greater perspective and grow from the incident. Venting to someone who may already feel negatively about the person you feel unjustly treated by is the worst choice. She is expected to agree with you, validating your right to be upset with the person, and adding her own negative feelings about that person. This not only doesn’t help you keep the mitzvah of “giving the benefit of the doubt,” and move on, but it actually encourages and reinforces your negative feelings toward a fellow Jew. Venting to this kind of friend also prevents you from fulfilling the mitzvah of “loving your fellow Jew like yourself.”
Some Suggestions on How to Vent Your Feelings in a Permitted Way Chafetz Chaim delineates the principles of when speaking derogatorily for a beneficial purpose is permitted in Laws of Lashon Hara Chapter 10, part 14. I’ll share some of Chafetz Chaim’s limitations in my own words on how to vent in a permitted way. First of all, your need to feel better by venting must not be at the expense of putting someone else down or even worse causing a fellow Jew damage, such as monetary loss, or defaming her. If you have other options to make yourself feel better, try them before venting to others. We have all inherited a natural tendency to blame others and defend ourselves from Adam and Eve in the garden. To bring the Geulah we must work on overcoming this tendency by giving the benefit of the doubt. Before talking to someone else, calmly reexamine the scenario to determine if you are truly right and if the other person’s action was indeed unwarranted. Whenever possible try to speak directly and respectfully to the person who has made you uncomfortable before talking about her to others. When speaking with ‘the perpetrator’ use ‘I statements’ rather than accusations. Explain how her actions or words made you uncomfortable and sincerely ask her to explain why she acted or spoke this way rather than blaming her. This usually accomplishes either that the person apologizes or that she explains herself in a way that helps you understand her perspective so that you realize why she had to act as she did. Thus, speaking directly with the person who upset you can help you to forgive and move on. If you must vent to another person to make yourself feel better and bounce back quicker, choose only one person to vent to (don’t be an air conditioner). When you speak to your chosen person, don’t exaggerate. Only tell her the minimum essential information necessary to help you feel better. Leave out any unnecessary details that would only show the person in a worse light.
How May You Respond When Someone is Venting Her Hurt Feelings to You? Sometimes it is a mitzvah to hear Lashon Hara talk if you reckon that you will be able to show the speaker or other people present that the story was not as reported or alleviate its severity in some other way. It is also a mitzvah to listen if you reckon that by listening you will be able to quiet the speaker’s anger so that she does not repeat the story to others (who may believe it). This will promulgate peace among Jews. Of course, you must never actually believe the lashon hara (Hilchot Lashon Hara, Chapter 6, section 4). It is forbidden according to Torah Law to accept Lashon Hara, we should not believe that the story is true, because by doing so we lower our opinion of the subject. [It is even forbidden] if the listener doesn’t explicitly agree with the speaker’s story – but if he does agree with the story, he doubles the violation, for the listener becomes a speaker [by voicing agreement] as well as accepting the Lashon Hara. One who accepts Lashon Hara violates the prohibition “Lo tisa shema shav – Do not raise a false report” (Shemot 23:1). Applying these principles to our introductory story, it becomes clear that Devorah’s friends who validated her negative feelings against the madricha by agreeing with her and even adding their own negative experiences with the said person were guilty of accepting lashon hara, as well as speaking it. (In Hebrew the word for believing לקבל/lekabel means both to believe and to accept). Accepting/believing in lashon hara is one of the 17 Torah prohibitions a person can transgress through lashon hara, besides the 14 positive mitzvot a speaker for lashon hara may violate. Even if you are permitted to listen to the negative report, you must never believe it is true, for there are always two sides to any story.
Kalev – the Role Model for How to Respond to a Negative Report Parashat Shelach Lecha recounts how Kalev responded to the spies’ negative report. He was able to silence the people when they were speaking against Moshe, by making belief he was on their side but then turning the story around to teach the spies gratitude toward their leader and their G-d. He cried out, “Is this the only thing the son of Amram has done to us?” Anyone listening might have thought that he intended to disparage him, and since there was [resentment] in their hearts against Moshe because of the spies’ report, they all became silent so they could hear his defamation. But he then continued, “Didn’t he split the sea for us, bring down the manna for us, and cause the quails to fly down to us?” [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:30). Kalev – one of the only men to enter the land of Israel – is a role model to us on how to respond to lashon hara in the highest way. Had Devorah’s friends learned from him, they would have listened to Devorah, validated her feelings, and shown empathy without agreeing with her perspective. Saying, “Wow this must be so painful for you, etc.” Then turning things around by mentioning all the good the madricha had done for her and her fellow students such as: “Is this all the madricha has done? Didn’t she organize your and our Shabbat meals during all these months? Didn’t she coordinate special events and school trips for us? and didn’t she teach and tutor us as well? Teaching their friend gratitude toward their mentor would also help elevating her to overcome focusing on herself and her hurt feelings while encouraging a general attitude of gratitude toward others and Hashem.
The Connection between
Negative Speech and Distrust in Hashem
ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לא וְהָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר עָלוּ עִמּוֹ אָמְרוּ לֹא
נוּכַל לַעֲלוֹת אֶל הָעָם כִּי חָזָק הוּא מִמֶּנּוּ: (לב) וַיֹּצִיאוּ דִּבַּת
הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר תָּרוּ אֹתָהּ אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לֵאמֹר הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר
עָבַרְנוּ בָהּ לָתוּר אֹתָהּ אֶרֶץ אֹכֶלֶת יושְׁבֶיהָ הִוא וְכָל הָעָם אֲשֶׁר
רָאִינוּ בְתוֹכָהּ אַנְשֵׁי מִדּוֹת: (לג) וְשָׁם רָאִינוּ אֶת הַנְּפִילִים
בְּנֵי עֲנָק מִן הַנְּפִלִים וַנְּהִי בְעֵינֵינוּ כַּחֲגָבִים וְכֵן הָיִינוּ
בְּעֵינֵיהֶם:
“But the men who went up with him said, We are unable to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we. They spread a [evil] report about the land they had scouted, telling the children of Israel, The land we passed through to explore is a land that consumes its inhabitants, and all the people we saw in it are men of stature. There we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes” (Bamidbar 13:31-33).
Rashi explains for they are stronger than we: Heb. מִמֶּנּוּ/memenu, [which may also be read as, מִמֶּנּוֹ/memeno they are stronger than He.] They said this in reference to the most High, as it were, [as if to say that the people are stronger than Hashem. [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:31). Nechama Leibowitz explains that the Talmud aims to bring out not merely what was on their lips, but to probe deeper and unfold their inner thought. When Kalev encouraged the people by telling them that they would be able to overcome the obstacles, he implied that they should rely on Divine assistance. It was this trust in G-d that the spies repudiated. They said: “For they are stronger than we,” but denial of Divine Providence was implicit in their behavior. What they really meant was, therefore, “they are stronger than Him, than G-d.” - In Whom Moshe and Aharon, Kalev and Yehoshua ultimately placed their confidence. Perhaps we may venture to say that at the root of all evil speech is a certain degree of denial of Hashem. When we truly believe that everything in our lives is orchestrated by the Almighty, there is no room to be critical and launch out against a fellow Jew. Through developing gratitude toward Hashem, we learn to realize that the other person is never to blame as everything we go through – as challenging as it may be – is from Hashem and for our good. In light of the current situation in Israel, when we are all praying that our soldiers succeed in eradicating the evil in Aza and rescue the refugees speedily, we must strengthen our emunah in Hashem, and His ability to fight on our behalf as well as specifically try and cut down on Lashon Hara. Rabbi Abbah son of Kahana said, The generation of David was all righteous, but because there was lashon hara among them, they went to war and were falling... However, the generation of Achav, although they were idol worshippers – did not have lashon hara – therefore they descended to war and were victorious (Yerushalmi, Peah 1:1). Just as negative speech prevented the Israelites from meriting the land of Israel and eventually caused the destruction of the two temples in Jerusalem, positive speech, gratitude, and ultimate trust will – with the help of Heaven – make us merit complete victory over evil and the rebuilding of the Temple of Light in our Holy City!
Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Shelach Lecha –
Some Tips for Overcoming Negativity and
Complaining
It’s easy to fall prey to a destructive pattern of
speaking badly about others and gossiping – to the point where it becomes a
recreational activity! To enjoy the many people in our lives, we must stop
verbalizing negativity and focus on their positive virtues. This takes a lot of
effort but is essential to living happy healthy lives. If we’re always finding
fault, we will naturally be dissatisfied, disappointed, and displeased, and so
will everyone around us. By developing an attitude of gratitude and seeing the
good points in everyone around us, even in the people by whom we initially may
feel humiliated, we will get closer to Hashem and live happier lives free of
destructive speech.
· Think Before You Speak – Before saying something about someone else, pause and consider whether it is necessary or if it could be potentially harmful. Reflect on how your words may impact others and the harm that lashon hara can cause to relationships and communities.
• Practice Empathy – Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider how you would feel if someone were speaking negatively about you.
• Cultivate Mindfulness – Be mindful of your words and actions and strive to cultivate a sense of awareness and self-control in your speech. By being mindful of your words, practicing empathy, and focusing on positive communication, you can work towards avoiding lashon hara and fostering a more harmonious and respectful environment in your interactions with others.
• Speak Directly to the Person – If you have an issue with someone, try to address it directly with them rather than discussing it with others behind their back.
• Don’t Fall into the Trap of Casual Lashon Hara – At dinner and at other family times, bring books to the table to discuss or talk about current events. When you discuss what happened in each person’s day, focus on what they learned that day and how they felt. Show your friends and family that there are more interesting things to talk about than other people’s poor behavior.
• Learn to Start Conversations, Ask Questions, Interrupt Gracefully or ‘Disattend.’ – These are crucial skills because we often find ourselves in social settings where the conversations are little more than gossip, which takes our focus off G-d and His goodness. If you find yourself in a conversation that is turning toward lashon hara, try to change the subject or steer the conversation in a more positive direction.
• Remember that the Statement “But It’s True!” does not Exonerate Lashon hara – It specifically refers to sharing derogatory information when it is true. Spreading vicious lies is far worse and belongs to the category called Motzei Shem Ra (defamation).
• Make Positive Speech Reminders – Tape a reminder to the telephone: “No Lashon Hara!” Put up signs on the fridge and in other prominent locations around the house.
• Study the Laws of Guarding Your Tongue – Read a small section of the laws of lashon hara each day during dinner or at your Shabbat table. Encourage discussion and examples.
• Give Positive Reinforcement – Be sure to commend your kids when they manage to tell you about school or neighborhood problems without mentioning who was involved. Let them know that you’re proud of them - and that G-d is too.
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