Is it a Halachic Problem for Parents to Will Each of Their Children to Inherit Equally?

Parashat Toldot
Printable Version

How Can the Torah Exclude Daughters from Inheriting?

The matter of firstborn rights is the red thread of Parashat Toldot. The Torah law of bequeathing a double portion to the first-born son, and even more so, that of excluding daughters from inheriting when there are sons, clearly goes against our sense of fairness and justice. In our time, and even centuries back, it has long been the custom of parents to divide their possessions equally among their children, whether they be sons or daughters, firstborn or not. I was a bit shocked to discover that Torah law, even today, obligates the father to bestow a twofold inheritance to his firstborn son. What if the younger son is poor and needs the money more? And what about the daughters? Not receiving a full part of the parents’ inheritance could cause resentment, family strife and reduce a young woman to poverty. Furthermore, according to Torah law, a wife does not inherit from her husband; only the sons do. However, most husbands and fathers today rather than leaving their inheritance to their sons – who may be too young to take care of financial matters – would want their wife to inherit all their possessions and let the children inherit from her at the appropriate time when they become mature adults. In practical terms, this implies that, for example, if a husband and father of three sons and three daughters dies, and leaves possessions worth $100.000, he bequeaths his firstborn $50.000, his additional sons $25.000 each, but leaves nothing for his widow and daughters. Why would the Torah have such seemingly unfair laws? Is there no way today according to halacha to allow each of the children to share equally in the inheritance of their parents?

Legal Transactions Overriding Torah Laws of Inheritance

The first person who actually amended the Torah law of inheritance is no other than Ya’acov, who fashioned a legal transaction which transferred the law of the firstborn to the younger son, in exchange for a bowl of lentil soup:

ספר בראשית פרק כה פסוק לג וַיֹּאמֶר יַעֲקֹב הִשָּׁבְעָה לִּי כַּיּוֹם וַיִּשָּׁבַע לוֹ וַיִּמְכֹּר אֶת בְּכֹרָתוֹ לְיַעֲקֹב:

“And Ya’acov said, ‘Swear to me as of this day;’ so he swore to him, and he sold his birthright to Ya’acov (Bereishit 25:33).

From Ya’acov, we learn that it is possible to make specific agreements in order to determine who inherits what. Perhaps Job learned this principle from Ya’acov when he bequeathed his daughters with an inheritance along with his sons:

ספר איוב פרק מב פסוק טו וְלֹא נִמְצָא נָשִׁים יָפוֹת כִּבְנוֹת אִיּוֹב בְּכָל הָאָרֶץ וַיִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲבִיהֶם נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵיהֶם:

“Nowhere in the land were women as beautiful as the daughters of Iyuv to be found, and their father gave them an inheritance among their brothers”” (Iyuv 42:15).

I haven’t found any commentaries that criticize Job for overriding the Torah laws of inheritance.  On the contrary, Rashi explains, “Because of (their esteem and) their beauty, he gave them an inheritance with their brothers.” Perhaps, we can say that today all women are esteemed, along the lines of the Rama in Shulchan Aruch, “All our women are important,” regarding whether women should lean during the Pesach Seder (Orach Chayim 472).  

Dynamic Torah Adapts to Changes in Society

The Torah is a Tree of Life. It is dynamic and adaptable to various situations throughout the ages. As history and time unfolds, there are epic shifts in society. The daughters of Tzelafchad were the first to point out the injustice that daughters were unable to inherit, when there are no sons. Hashem responded in their favor:

במדבר פרק כז פסוק ז …כֵּן בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד דֹּבְרֹת נָתֹן תִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲחֻזַּת נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אֲבִיהֶם וְהַעֲבַרְתָּ אֶת נַחֲלַת אֲבִיהֶן לָהֶן:

“Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, ‘the daughters of Tzelafchad speak properly. You shall certainly give them a portion of inheritance along wither their father’s brothers, and you shall transfer their father’s inheritance to them’” (Bamidbar 27:7).

The dynamic features of Chazal deal with real-world problems. When situations arise that could introduce strife into families or leave vulnerable people impoverished, the rabbis must figure out and tinker with the system in a way that is consistent with halacha and Torah values, while taking into account the realities of society. The way wealth is passed from generation to generation changes over time. Likewise, the way people organize their economic affairs in an agricultural economy is vastly different from how the economy works in a mercantile society. “Indeed, the rabbis must always be on their toes to balance the changing times with Torah law” (Rabbi Rabbi Shlomo Weissman, Director of the Beth Din of America). 

Torah Laws Consider the Wellbeing and Security of Women

Just because certain Torah laws are at odds with the modern Western way of thought, doesn’t make them unfair. These laws need to be understood in their proper context. When discussing the Torah law regarding inheritance, we must realize that according to the Torah, the man is exclusively responsible for the financial welfare of the family. The Jewish marriage contract (ketuba) obligates the husband to financially support his wife, while the wife is not required to contribute financially to the family. Until recently, it was no different even in the Western World. The Talmud considers first and foremost the wellbeing and security of the women, ensuring that men support them adequately: “One who dies and leaves sons and daughters – when the possessions are abundant, the sons shall inherit, and the daughters shall be maintained. If the possessions are sparse, the daughters shall be maintained, but the sons shall beg [for support] from door-to-door” (Bava Batra 139b). The primary duty was to ensure that the women be taken care of. The men –more easily than the women – can go to work. If that is not feasible, sad as it may be, it is still better for a man to beg than for a woman. So even if according to Torah law the wife and the daughters do not inherit when there are sons, the sons are required to ensure that they receive an adequate stipend that supports them according to their customary standard of living. 

How Can a Daughter Inherit Her Parents According to Halacha Today? – Writing a Will

As we approach the final redemption, the woman’s role is shifting and the curse of, “…To your husband shall be your dependence, and he shall rule over you” (Bereishit 3:16) is being undone.  Today, the need for independence overrides the need for security for most women. Along with women’s financial independence comes the natural requirement for daughters to inherit equally with their brothers. Although we may not transgress the Torah’s command, there are ways of choosing one’s beneficiaries which are both religiously and legally legitimate. There is an age-old custom among many, that while the father is still alive, he drafts a document referred to by Halacha as Chatzi-Zachar for his daughters, thus entitling them to a portion of his estate. This is especially a worthy thing to do if one’s daughter has built her household on the tenets of Torah and Mitzvah observance, and her family is going through a difficult financial time, in which case it is a Mitzvah to help one’s daughter and son-in-law to continue in their service of Hashem with some financial respite (Maran Rabbeinu Ovadia Yosef zt”l, Halacha Yomit). The laws of inheritance according to the Torah are quite complex and when wishing to choose our beneficiaries it is advisable to consult with a prominent Torah scholar or a religious lawyer who deals with estate planning. However, it is good to know that with proper guidance in the process of transferring inheritance, it is possible to grant a portion of our estate to the wife, daughters and younger sons.

Does the Torah Have Guidelines for Finding our True Soulmate?

Parashat Chayei Sarah
Printable Version
Hashem – The Ultimate Matchmaker

The shidduch process is not always easy, neither for singles nor their parents. I was lucky and blessed to meet my husband at a Shabbat table and get married at 20 without ever needing to consult a matchmaker. My mother took off work and flew to Israel to check out to whom her wild teenage daughter had become engaged. It could have been a crazy hippy without any education, but it turned out to be a doctor like her husband and herself, from a very good family. Clearly G-d was behind the scene. When we were young and carefree, all that mattered to us was the feeling of connection and attraction. Family and education seemed so insignificant. Now, when we’re on the other side, marrying off our children, such matters do have great importance. Yet, it seems that most tweens whether religious or not, don’t give a hoot about the family of their prospective. They aren’t interested in the siblings, or in the profession of the parents etc. They are looking for connection and attraction, just like we did, when we were their age. Unfortunately, many singles remain unmarried well past their prime. Again, I don’t think it makes a difference whether they are Torah observant or not. Looking for a partner at parties, bars and dance clubs doesn’t always bear fruit. Neither does going on shidduch dating. Hashem is the ultimate matchmaker. He has his own plan and His timing is not always understandable to us. Yet, without proper guidelines for seeking our other half, we are left in the dark. This can require a painful process of confusion, betrayal and abuse. However, the Torah has guidelines for everything in life, from the moment you open your eyes in the morning till you close them again at night. So, there must be proper guidelines for finding a marriage partner in the Torah. What does the Torah recommend regarding investigating the family before beginning to date?

Seeking a Marriage Partner in the Most Suitable Places

Parashat Chayei Sarah describes the process of finding a wife for Yitzchak. The selection of Rivkah and their subsequent marriage is a prototype that sets the parameters for Jewish matchmaking in the Torah. This is according to the principle, “The deeds of the fathers are a sign to their children” (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 34a).

ספר בראשית פרק כד פסוק ב-ד וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֶל עַבְדּוֹ זְקַן בֵּיתוֹ הַמּשֵׁל בְּכָל אֲשֶׁר לוֹ שִׂים נָא יָדְךָ תַּחַת יְרֵכִי :(ג) וְאַשְׁבִּיעֲךָ בַּהָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵי הַשָּׁמַיִם וֵאלֹהֵי הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר לֹא תִקַּח אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי מִבְּנוֹת הַכְּנַעֲנִי אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי יוֹשֵׁב בְּקִרְבּוֹ :(ד) כִּי אֶל אַרְצִי וְאֶל מוֹלַדְתִּי תֵּלֵךְ וְלָקַחְתָּ אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי לְיִצְחָק:

“Avraham said to his servant, the elder of his house… I will make you swear by Hashem…that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose midst I dwell. But you shall go to my land and to my birthplace, and you shall take a wife for my son, for Yitzchak’” (Bereishit 24:2-4).

Avraham sent his trusted servant to seek a bride for Yitzchak from Avraham’s country and birthplace because he knew that people from there had good midot (character-traits). From this, we learn to seek a marriage partner from the places that are most likely to have people who possess the good qualities we desire. Looking for a girl from a certain midrasha, that seems to be compatible with the way of a certain Yeshiva seems to be included in this principle.

Which is the Most Important Character-Trait to Seek?

We can also learn from the selection of Rivkah which character trait is most important when looking for a marriage partner:

ספר בראשית פרק כד פסוק יד וְהָיָה הַנַּעֲרָ אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיהָ הַטִּי נָא כַדֵּךְ וְאֶשְׁתֶּה וְאָמְרָה שְׁתֵה וְגַם גְּמַלֶּיךָ אַשְׁקֶה אֹתָהּ הֹכַחְתָּ לְעַבְדְּךָ לְיִצְחָק וּבָהּ אֵדַע כִּי עָשִׂיתָ חֶסֶד עִם אֲדֹנִי:

“And it will be, [that] the maiden to whom I will say, ‘Lower your pitcher and I will drink,’ and she will say, ‘Drink, and I will also water your camels,’ her have You designated for Your servant, for Yitzchak, and through her may I know that You have performed loving kindness with my master” (Bereishit 24:14).

Rashi commented: She is worthy of him for she does deeds of benefaction. This episode is juxtaposed to the episode of Ephron the Chitite, for he too was a descendent of Canaan… Ephron had an evil eye; therefore, Hashem commanded to keep the Canaanites at a distance, as they were masters of the evil eye. For money will answer and bear witness to everything, and every person is recognized by his pocket, whether his deeds are pure and honest. …Knowing this, Eliezer examined Rivkah only regarding this character-trait [loving/kindness], whether she had a good eye and performed deeds of benefaction. This is why, he asked, “I will only request from her to give me a drink, and if she will answer me, ‘Drink, and also your camels shall I water,’ certainly she is a master of benefaction, for she is giving me more than I ask.” Therefore, “She, you have designated for my master Yitzchak,” for his house is clothed in kindness for others” (Kli Yakar (Rabbi Ephraim of Luntshits) b. 1550, d. 1619).

Kli Yakar tells us that the nature of a person is recognized through the way he uses money and does deeds of חסד/chesed – ‘loving/kindness’ to others. Therefore, Eliezer tested Rivkah specifically in this character-trait, whether she had a good eye and performed deeds of חסד/chesed. We can determine the rest of her character according to the חסד/chesed she performs. This is because מידת החסד היא בנין אב לכל המידות/midat hachesed hi binyan av l’chol hamidot – the character trait of chesed is the foundation of all other character-traits.

What About Family Lineage?

Although my husband is from the USA and I hail from Europe, our family background is very similar. I’ve always believed that “likes attract likes.” (This is a poor translation of the original Danish expression, which literally reads, “equal children play best”). Perhaps, that’s how it worked out that my husband and I just clicked, without even giving a thought to each other’s family background. Yet there is a limit to how much investigation of the family is necessary. Too much focus on family lineage, rather than upon the prospective marriage partner may even be disadvantageous, as we know ‘some apples do fall far from the tree.’ Although it turned out, that Rivkah was related to Avraham’s family, a close reading of the text reveals that Avraham never specifically made this a requirement (See Meshech Chachma 24:4). Moreover, both Rivkah’s father and her infamous brother, Lavan were tricksters. Therefore, Rivkah was called “a rose among thorns” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 63:4). Thus, it seems that extensive checking of family background before allowing the young man and woman to meet, can be counterproductive and over-controlling, as if trying to force Hashem’s will. It is very possible that the true zivug (soulmate) is from a completely unexpected family background. Furthermore, it is interesting to note, that Eliezer actually gave Rivkah gifts of jewelry before inquiring about Rivkah’s family (See Bereishit 24:23-24). This strongly indicates that the selection of the prospective marriage partner(s) should be based (primarily) on his or her own merit, rather than that of their parents and their yichus (lineage). Going overboard checking the family lineage is not a prerequisite for seeking a suitable match for one’s children. There is certainly room for differences in how much and in which way parents should get involved in selecting suitable marriage partners for their children. Everyone needs to find the right balance and what is suitable for them.

What is the Torah Way of Dating?

There is a wide spectrum of ways for young people to find their soulmates. In the past, and still in many Chassidic circles today, the parents from compatible families – after having checked on the prospective marriage partner for their son or daughter – meet to arrange their marriage, even before their children have become of age. Then, when the time comes, the young prospective couple meet, usually in the dining-room of one set of parents. If the girl finds favor in the eyes of the boy, he proposes to her on that first date or soon after. Since everything else has already been found compatible by their parents in advance, all the young couple needs to find out, is whether there is connection and attraction between them. That usually takes no more than three dates. In a way, I find this way of shidduch dating very beautiful. It offers the maximum protection for the young inexperienced youths who lack the life-experience of their loving parents, and who really care and know what their children need. Yet, this way isn’t suitable for many young people today, and certainly not for older singles. Ba’alei Teshuva, for example, are too sophisticated for this kind of dating. Their parents also are unsuited and unfamiliar and with the shidduch investigation process. Matchmakes take their place and are often successful in pairing up young people, but on the other hand, going out on one blind date after the other, without success, can be very discouraging. Then, there is online dating, which I recommend, especially for singles above the age of 30, because they can save much time and aggravation by checking possible matches on their own without being dependent on intermediaries. But again, none of these shidduch methods safeguard singles from the painful experience of being set up with weirdoes.

What Could be the Problem with Meeting a Guy in a Café?

Whether using matchmakers, online dating, suggestions from friends or parental pre-arranged marriages, the story of Rivkah teaches us that it is prohibited to marry off a daughter without her consent:

ספר בראשית פרק כד פסוק נז וַיֹּֽאמְר֖וּ נִקְרָ֣א לַנַּֽעֲרָ֑ה (כתיב לנער) וְנִשְׁאֲלָ֖ה אֶת־פִּֽיהָ:

“And they said, ‘Let us call the maiden and ask her’” (Bereishit 24:57).

And ask her: From here we learn that we may not marry off a woman except with her consent. — [Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 60:12]; (Rashi).

We may wonder, what made Rivkah agree to marry Yitzchak, before even meeting him? Perhaps, she had heard about him and his famous parents and yearned to be part of this holy family who had such a strong connection with Hashem. Today, no one would agree to marry a person they had never met. Actually, the halacha teaches that it is prohibited for a man to marry a woman before he has seen her (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 41a). Perhaps, this is the reason for the custom of the groom to lift the veil of the bride before the chuppah (wedding canopy). Some people prefer meeting their prospective spouse on their own, without any intermediaries. It can work out beautifully, meeting in a more natural setting, such as the Shabbat table. Yet, the problem with meeting a guy in a café, party or on the bus is that it is impossible to know the intention of the other, whether, he is serious about meeting to marry. Many men are looking for a temporary fling, which is not always clear at first. Over the years, I’ve counselled numerous young women that became attached to a man who enjoyed their company and their infatuation, without being interested in ever marrying them. They may keep a young woman on the hook without moving the relationship forward into a more serious stage. Thus, the poor attached woman, who doesn’t have the guts to end the relationship, closes herself off from finding her true soulmate. She might have been better off going on a shidduch date with a guy whose integrity and good intentions for marriage had been checked out by people whom she trusts. 

When is Welcoming Guest a Woman’s Mitzvah?

Parashat Vayera 

Printable Version

To Host or not to Host?

“Greater is the mitzvah of welcoming guests than receiving the Divine Presence” (Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 127a). Avraham was in the midst of receiving Divine revelation when he noticed three potential guests. In order to welcome his guests, he politely requested of G-d to wait for him until he had tended to their needs: “My Master, [addressing G-d] if only I have found favor in your eyes, please do not pass on from beside your servant [please wait for me until I return from my guests]…” (Bereishit 18:3). Hashem waited for Avraham, thereby imparting the eternal, overriding value of the mitzvah of hospitality. I recall our excitement to welcome guests, in the old days, when we were a young, newly observant couple. Almost no Shabbat went by without our table being filled with all kinds of interesting people, ranging from truth-searching strangers and seminar girls to young, newly religious families. Fast forward 30 years and I find myself so stressed out with all my responsibilities during the week, that I treasure a quiet Shabbat rest, home alone with my husband. As the years go by, I crave my own space and privacy more and more, in order to recharge and have energy to teach, write and counsel. Shabbat is supposed to be a time of rest, but this is not always so for the woman, when hosting many guests. Thus, the mitzvah of welcoming guests often leaves me with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, we have a beautiful home and garden and it’s lovely to serve Hashem by sharing His gifts with numerous guests. Yet, on the other hand, it is hard. For example, last week, the first Shabbat getting back to daily routine after the holidays, I received the following email: “Hello Rebbetzin. My name is Shmuel and I just joined the Yeshiva here in Bat Ayin. I’m very much interested in holistic medicine and I also loved the videos of your Midrasha. Can you please have me and two friends for the second meal on Shabbat day?” 15 years ago, I would have been exhilarated by such an opportunity to host and teach, but this time, I was looking forward to a quiet Shabbat with my husband. Without Shabbat guests, we had time for a beautiful nature hike, which our busy lives otherwise do not afford. So, I offered to arrange Shabbat lunch for the Yeshiva boys somewhere else and invited them to eat with us in two weeks’ time, when our son would be home from Yeshiva. It wasn’t easy to let go of the opportunity to do the important mitzvah of welcoming guests, but in retrospect I believe I did the right thing.

Finding Our Personal Balance between Outreach and Recharging

We all need to find the right balance between chesed and gevurah – hosting and privacy. This balance can change from year to year, and even from week to week. Despite, the fact that Avraham, our father’s hospitality par excellence is a model towards which we must aspire, we also must realize that we are not necessarily an Avraham or a Henny Machlis z”l. If we don’t recognize the level we are on, but keep trying to reach beyond our capabilities, we may simply burn out. The mitzvot we perform halfheartedly, taking them on because we are supposed to, or worse, in order to please others or “keep up with the Joneses,” never come off right. Who wants to be a guest of someone who would have preferred their personal space? Yet, on the other hand, we still need to constantly grow and ‘up’ our ability to say “Yes!” with our full heart. It’s a constant רָצוֹ וָשׂוֹב/ratzo vashov – ‘running and returning’ – to jump a bit out of our comfort zone, and then return to recharge. We all have a unique mission and a set of particular mitzvot to fulfill in this lifetime, but if we try to live up to all the amazing Biblical role-models in every endeavor of life, we may be spreading ourselves too thin, and neglect fulfilling our own personal mission. I often come across the trend of lack of focus among women today who are ‘all-over-the-place.’

Avraham and Sarah – The Ultimate Hospitality Team

Having said all this, I don’t want to belittle the mitzvah of hospitality, celebrated in Parashat Vayera and in Jewish communities the world over. Of all times of the year, now is the occasion to aspire to become the ‘Hostess with the Mostess.’ Welcoming guests is certainly a mitzvah not limited to men. Although Avraham is most famous for his hospitality, what about Sarah? What part does she have in this mitzvah, if any? Avraham is known for his chesed – loving/kindness, so he is the natural hospitality whiz. Yet, Sarah is known for her gevurah – setting boundaries. So, we may imagine her telling Avraham: “Do we really need 500 guests for Friday night? Perhaps 400 would do?” However, nothing could be more in the wrong.

The angels asked, “Where is Sarah your wife” (Bereishit 18:9), to teach us the importance of the wife’s participation in hachnasat orchim (welcoming guests). The presence of the woman makes the guests feel welcome, when her gestures indicate that she is pleased with their visit (Beer Mayim Chaim). The angels weren’t only inquiring about Sarah’s physical whereabouts, but also asking, “What are her good deeds that makes her worthy of a son?” The famous answer is, “behold in the tent” (ibid.) – the level of her modesty makes her worthy to conceive Yitzchak. Yet, “the tent” moreover represent the mitzvah of welcoming guests, which also imparts the merit of bearing children. When we actively show our love for others by hosting and welcoming guests, it follows that we are ready to behave lovingly to the guests of our womb (Women at the Crossroads: A Woman’s Perspective on the Weekly Torah Portion p. 13).

ספר בראשית פרק יח פסוק ו וַיְמַהֵר אַבְרָהָם הָאֹהֱלָה אֶל שָׂרָה וַיֹּאמֶר מַהֲרִי שְׁלשׁ סְאִים קֶמַח סֹלֶת לוּשִׁי וַעֲשִׂי עֻגוֹת:

“Avraham hastened into the tent of Sarah and said: hurry make ready three measures of fine flour, knead it and make cakes” (Bereishit 18:6).

Just as Avraham is known for his kindness, so is Sarah, his faithful partner, steeped in deeds of chesed, as she busied herself with the endless task of preparing food for their numerous guests. Sarah supported Avraham’s work in every way. As the ultimate hospitality team, they both merited to build the house of Israel.

What is a ‘Halachich Guest’?

Performing Hachnasat Orchim properly merits children, as we learn from Avraham and Sarah, who, after feeding their guests, were told about the forthcoming birth of their son (Bereishit 18:10); (Tanchuma Ki Tetzei 2). This is also inferred from the Shunamite woman, who after hosting Elisha, was promised a son (Ibid.). Our sages emphasize the great merit of hospitality, “When the Temple is standing the altar atones for a person; now that the Temple has been destroyed, a person’s table atones for him, for his feeding of needy guests atones for his sins” (BT, Chagiga 27a with Rashi). Yet, not all hospitality qualifies for such merit. While it is nice hosting neighbors and friends for a Shabbat meal, these guests may not meet the criteria of ‘halachic guest.’ The Rema explains that a halachic guest is someone who truly needs a place to sleep and eat, such as a traveler away from home (Shulchan Aruch, OC 333:1). All the great virtues and rewards for welcoming guests described in the Talmud, moreover, apply specifically to the poor, who cannot afford to buy food or may even be homeless.

The Merit of Performing Hachnasat Orchim Today

How can we perform the mitzvah of hospitality today, when most people can afford to feed themselves? According to Rav Melamed, although today, there are hardly any people hungry for bread, and very few homeless, many people today still need help and encouragement. In our generation, there are no less depressed people. Although the standard of living has risen materially, to some extent, physical abundance has caused an increasing number of people to suffer from feelings of loneliness and alienation. Opening our homes to these lost souls can relieve their torment and provide them much needed emotional and spiritual support. Good, sympathetic, warm hospitality can bring back the belief that there is value to the lives of those who have lost their direction in life, despairing of themselves and their future. Feeling that people value them, are happy to spend time with them and want to help them gives them much needed encouragement. In addition, the many young people who come to Israel to study, may suffer from a feeling of homelessness. Especially those who have decided to make Aliyah, despite the opposition of their parents, need the family warmth that hospitality can afford them  (Peninei Halacha Between People 7:6). So, although we may sometimes need a break from guests, in order to recharge, let us not forget that the mitzvah of welcoming guests engenders blessing in this world and the next, as it states, “Rabbi Yoḥanan said: There are six matters a person enjoys the profits of in this world, and nevertheless the principal exists for him for the World-to-Come, and they are: Hospitality toward guests, visiting the sick, consideration during prayer, rising early to the study hall, one who raises his sons to engage in Torah study, and one who judges another favorably, giving him the benefit of the doubt” (BT, Shabbat 127a). After learning all this, I’m certainly grateful for the opportunity to host guests this Shabbat.

Are Women Permitted to Perform Circumcision?

Parashat Lech Lecha
Printable Version

Are Jewish Women Lacking the Holiness of Circumcision?

The mitzvah of circumcision is so fundamental to Judaism that it is often one of the last mitzvot that remains in even the most assimilated Jewish homes. But what about women? Do we not have a share in this vital mitzvah that sets the Jewish people apart from all the rest of the nations? Interestingly, in the Grace after Meals, both men and women recite, “We thank you… for Your covenant which You have sealed in our flesh.” Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi explains that although there are authorities who maintain that women should omit this phrase, nevertheless, the custom is for them to recite the entire text of the blessing. The reason for this is that a man is not called a man, unless he has a wife. We learn this from, “He created them, male and female, and called their name ‘man.’” (Bereishit 5:2). Thus, a male and a female are considered one body. Therefore, also women say the words concerning the covenant of circumcision performed on their husband: “that You sealed in our flesh” (Shulchan Aruch HaRav 187:7, Mishna Berura 187). I would like to add, that also single Jewish women have a share in the mitzvah of circumcision, by being born from a circumcised father and through their future husband. Moreover, one of the reasons women thank Hashem in the morning blessings for “having created me according to His will” is that, unlike men, women are created with a perfect body, without a foreskin blocking the light of our souls. Whereas, men are born with a coarse klipah – ‘peel’ – an extra piece which is not illuminated by the soul, a woman’s body has the potential to be completely pure, so that the soul can shine through. According to Kabbalah, women are receivers. This implies that we have the ability to receive a body completely in tune with Hashem’s will, whereas, men need to perfect their imperfect body by performing the action of circumcision.

Woman’s Body is Naturally in Sync with the Divine

Before Avraham received the mitzvah of circumcision, his body wasn’t yet pure. Only by means of brit milah (the covenant of circumcision), would he become תָמִים/tamim – ‘pure,’ perfect or wholehearted:

ספר בראשית פרק יז פסוק א

וַיְהִי אַבְרָם בֶּן תִּשְׁעִים שָׁנָה וְתֵשַׁע שָׁנִים וַיֵּרָא הָשֵׁם אֶל אַבְרָם וַיֹּאמֶר אֵלָיו אֲנִי אֵל שַׁדַּי הִתְהַלֵּךְ לְפָנַי וֶהְיֵה תָמִים:

“Avram was ninety-nine years old when Hashem appeared to Avram, and He said to him, ‘I am the Almighty G-d (שַׁדַּי/Shadai); walk before Me and be perfect’” (Bereishit 17:1).

Rashi explains that before circumcision, Avraham was lacking control over five of his organs: two eyes, two ears, and the male organ. Be’er Mayim Chayim adds that everything open needs guarding. Therefore, the eyes, the ears and the male organ are the first to sin. However, through circumcision, Hashem’s name protects them. The name שַׁדַּי/Shadai, mentioned in connection with the very first reference to circumcision, is an acronym for ש'ומר ד'לתות י'שראל /Shomer Delatot Yisrael – ‘Guards the doors of Israel.’ Therefore, this name of G-d is written on the mezuzah, at the openings of our homes, to guard them. Through circumcision, the name Shadai is also ‘written’ on the male body to dwell upon man and protect him. The ש/shin watches the ears – ש שומע/Shin shomea – ‘the shin hears.’ This causes the rest of the limbs to want to do good on their own… Before circumcision, the light of Hashem’s holiness doesn’t shine completely through the five vital openings of man, to cause them to desire to do Hashem’s will with love. However, a woman’s body does not require human intervention in order to be in sync with the Divine. Therefore, women do not have the same kind of lower sexual drive, that sends men to prostitutes. Neither do we have the desire for physical fights and bloodshed.

Is a Woman Commanded to Circumcise Her Son?

ספר בראשית פרק יז פסוק י זֹאת בְּרִיתִי אֲשֶׁר תִּשְׁמְרוּ בֵּינִי וּבֵינֵיכֶם וּבֵין זַרְעֲךָ אַחֲרֶיךָ הִמּוֹל לָכֶם כָּל זָכָר:

“This is My covenant which you shall keep, between you and I, and with your descendants after you, circumcise all males” (Bereishit 17:10).

From this verse we learn the commandment to circumcise. The question remains whether a woman is commanded to circumcise her son, or whether she is even permitted to do so. We are familiar with how Tziporah saved Moshe’s life, when the angel of death threatened to swallow him alive, since he delayed circumcising his son, Eliezer (Shemot 4:24-26 with Rashi). As soon as Tziporah took a sharp rock and cut her son’s foreskin, the angel of death released Moshe. It is Tziporah’s swiftness in performing the brit milah, that rectified Moshe’s hesitation. Tziporah had to apply her own sense and judgment, in order to clearly discern what had to be done. There was no time to ask a Rabbi. There was also no time to send for a mohel.  Historically, Jewish fathers and also mothers, have undergone great sacrifice, sometimes even risking death, to perform circumcisions on their sons and bring them into the covenant of Avraham. More than once in Jewish history, during times of persecution from the Greeks and Romans to the Nazis, rulers have recognized that circumcision is at the core of Jewish identity and have tried to ban it. Halacha highlights the essentialness of the mitzvah of circumcision. “It is a positive commandment for the father to circumcise is son. This commandment is greater than all the other positive commandments. If a father did not circumcise his son, Bet Din (the court) is obligated to circumcise him. And if the bet din did not circumcise him, he is obligated (when he becomes bar mitzvah) to circumcise himself. The mother is not obligated to circumcise her son (Tur) (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 260-261). See the preliminary discussion in Babylonian Talmud, (Kiddushin 29a).

Are Women Permitted to Become Mohalot (Circumcisers)?

No one reprimanded the Biblical Tziporah for performing circumcision on her son. On the contrary, it was considered a heroic, lifesaving act. Yet, the vocation of ‘mohelet’ is not condoned in the normative Torah world. For over 25 years, Rochelle Schwartz had provided non-ritual medical circumcision, as a family doctor, to many of her patients, when she came to Israel in 2007, to perform a ritual brit milah on a newborn boy. Rochelle, who belonged to a Reform synagogue, was one of three practicing female mohalot in Canada in 2007. She aspired to become a pioneer in changing the way people feel about brit milah in Israel. When reading about her, I wondered about the halachic view on female circumcisers. Actually, there are different opinions as to whether women are permitted to function as mohalot. This halachic debate dates back to medieval times. On the one hand, there are several acceptable halachic sources permitting female mohalot, while on the other hand, someone who is exempted from a mitzvah can’t perform it on behalf of others. Moreover, allowing women to perform brit milah would be against the acceptable custom and tradition.

Halachic Sources that Permit Women to Circumcise

Rambam permits women to circumcise, whenever no adult man is available, yet the Shulchan Aruch is undecided: 

רמב"ם יד החזקה - הלכות מילה פרק ב

א) הכל כשרין למול ואפילו ערל ועבד ואשה וקטן מלין במקום שאין שם איש אבל עכו"ם לא ימול כלל…

“Circumcision may be performed by anyone. Even a person who is himself not circumcised, a slave, a woman, or a minor may perform the circumcision, if an adult male is not present. A gentile, however, should not be allowed to perform the circumcision at all” (Rambam, Hilchot Milah 2:1).

שו"ע יורה דעה - סימן רסד א) הכל כשרים למול; אפילו עבד אשה וקטן וערל ישראל שמתו אחיו מחמת מילה. ואם יש ישראל גדול שיודע למול, הוא קודם לכולם. (וי"א דאשה לו תמול) (סמ"ק והגהות מרדכי), (וכן נוהגין להדר אחר איש). אבל עובד כוכבים, אפילו הוא מהול, לא ימול כלל:

“Everyone is kosher to perform circumcision even a slave, a woman, a child and an uncircumcised Jew whose brother had died from circumcision. But if there is an adult male Jew that knows how to perform circumcision, he gets precedence over them all. And there are those who say that a woman does not circumcise – סמק והנהגות מרדכי/Semak v’hanhagot Mordechai – and this is our custom to perform the mitzvah in the highest way through a male[mohel] but an idol worshiper even if he is circumcised may never circumcise” (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 264:1).

Only in Exceptional Extenuating Circumstances

In the Torah world, preserving the minhag of Israel is vital. “The custom of Israel is Torah” (Magen Avraham, Orach Chaim 307:16 and numerous additional Talmudic and Halachic sources). Therefore, in order to preserve the general minhag of Israel, I don’t believe in encouraging women to become a mohelet. “If it was OK for Tziporah to circumcise her son, why should Jewish women not train for this, if they so wish?” is not an acceptable argument. In Tziporah’s case, there were very exceptional extenuating circumstances that do not apply today. First of all, it was פִּקּוּחַ נֶפֶשׁ/pikuach nefesh – ‘The principle in Jewish law that the preservation of human life overrides keeping every halacha including keeping Shabbat.’ Secondly, there was no man available at the moment of Tziporah’s lifesaving act. Today, there is no shortage of male mohelim in most Jewish communities. Therefore, a female mohelet is only needed in exceptional cases. If a Jewish mother finds herself the only adult Jew, alone with her 8-day-old son, and there is no man to perform the circumcision in time, then it would be a mitzvah for her to circumcise her son. Yet, it would be preferable to plan ahead and avoid being in such a situation. It is interesting to note that Tziporah used a rock, rather than the traditional knife to perform circumcision. Perhaps the reason for this was like Yael’s using a tent peg rather than a sword to slay Sissero. The reason for this may be in order to make a point that it is neither a woman’s job to kill, nor to l’havdil circumcise. Therefore, they used an inappropriate tool in order to highlight for future generations of women that their action was an exception to the rule.