Parashat Bamidbar
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Sometimes I just feel like running away from everything… from the responsibilities, interpersonal challenges, and the constant tedious work of keeping the midrasha, home, garden, and computer files more orderly, organized, and together. The toil and the trials seem never-ending, and how tempting it would be to just leave all the challenges and problem-solving behind, to get away and revel in the vast meditative silence of the desert. How calming it would be if it were possible to weed out all the troubling thoughts and become barren of them like the desert. How I yearn to get away from everything and place my naked feet in the warm caressing sand, letting my footprints take me everywhere and nowhere. What would happen if I let go of all these countless responsibilities and learned to play? I know deep down that this isn’t really an option, and even if it were, it’s not what Hashem wants from me. The Jewish people are criticized for running away from responsibility as it states, “They departed from the mountain of G-d, a three-day journey… (Bamidbar 10:33). They departed from Mount Sinai joyfully, like a young child running away from school, saying, “Lest He pile on more mitzvot for us.” Their intention was to take themselves away from there because it was “the mountain of G-d.” (Ramban, Bamidbar 10:35). The Jewish people were running away rather than journeying toward a goal. This is a backward rather than forward-oriented movement. Running to the security room, as the siren alarmed us in Bat Ayin, we were directed toward self-examination regarding our journey. When we get confronted with our mortality, we are prompted to ask ourselves “What is my mission? Where shall I come and go?” The year that the king Mashiach will be revealed… Israel will cry out in panic and say, “Where shall we come and go? Where shall we come and go? Where shall we come and go?” Tell them, do not fear, everything that I did, I only did it for you. Why are you afraid? Do not fear, the time of your redemption has come… (Yalkut Shimoni 60:499). And so, this challenging brief moment in the security room is part of the process.
The Process of Our Upward Life Journey
Life is a journey. Hashem let us out of Egypt the roundabout indirect way because we needed the process of the journey. We are called upon to continue the Exodus from Egypt to the Sinai Desert to receive the Torah, but the journey doesn’t even end there. After receiving the Torah, we are not done. We are on an everlasting journey with Hashem traveling through the desert to reach the land of Israel. Even within the land of Israel, there are innumerable levels to ascend. “Man is born to labor, as sparks fly upward” (Iyov 5:7). Going through challenges and hardships is part of the toil for which we are created. It is a never-ending process of refinement that we all must go through. We must keep going, keep climbing the rungs of the ladder towards actualizing all the layers of our concealed potential. Rabbi Baruch Gigi brings this concept home by quoting the beautiful prophetic verse from the end of the haftara of Parashat Bamidbar:
Since the period of betrothal – engagement – is inherently temporary, then why does Hoshea describe engagement as everlasting? How would our relationship with G-d be a “betrothal” that lasts “forever?”
Engagement Reflects the Process of Our Ongoing Struggle in Life.
“Prior to the giving of the Torah, if a man met a woman in the
marketplace and they decided to marry, he would bring her to his home and
conduct relations in private, and thus make her his wife. Once the Torah was
given, Am Yisrael was commanded that if a man wants to marry a woman, he must
first acquire her [as his wife] before witnesses; [only] afterward does she
become his wife, as it is written, ‘If a man takes a wife and engages in
relations with her...’” (Rambam, Laws of Marriage, 1:1). The Torah decreed that
marriage become a gradual process. Being engaged reflects the concept of being
in a process going towards the goal of marriage. Although engagement hopefully
won’t be everlasting but will culminate in marriage, engagement symbolizes
being in a constant process of working through the challenging maze of life.
With the words “I will betroth you to Me – forever,” the prophet emphasizes
that the aspiration to grow and progress must always exist, this is the vital
importance of ‘process’ versus ‘product.’ Rather than a one-time climactic
experience, or a final goal and destination, we desire to be continuously
moving and developing, rising ever higher in our Torah, our Divine service, and
our acts of kindness toward others. We want to be constantly improving in our
righteousness and justice, kindness, and mercy, as described in the verse. We
are called to constantly work on improving our character, on the way of
G-d, so that we can bequeath it to our children forever.
EmunaHealing Exercise for Processing the
Everlasting Struggles of Life
1. Take a short break from running around, from
all your immense toil in the world, to tune inwardly. Breathe deeply entering
Hashem’s light into your core on the inhale and exhaling all the extraneous
unnecessary static. Keep this relaxed breathing until you feel your heart rate
slowing down.
2. Envision an empty desert. All you can see is golden sand for
miles and miles, just sand, sand, sand. Imagine yourself in this place. You are
alone with the sand and with Hashem’s Shechina. You are raised from all the
humdrum of your daily day life, to face yourself and your Maker.
3. With a settled breath and without distractions you can become
aware of who you really are. You become present to yourself. There is no place
to run away to. Allow any thoughts that cross your mind to become transformed
into sand – soft, silky sand. Any distracting compulsive thoughts melt and
disintegrate into the vast desert sand.
4. Imagine the soft sensation of the sand trickling through the
toes of your feet, like an endless open-ended hourglass. The countless grains
of sand reflect your everlasting work in this world. Each grain you add through
your incessant effort adds up to building a glass pane – a window to Hashem.
Look through the window, and see your own reflection as an image of
G-d.
5. Bring any of the struggles you have gone through to your mind.
Don’t force the memory, just tune into whatever Hashem brings to your mind at
this moment. Recall your pain and hardship, while breathing easily and relaxed
in the knowledge that you have crossed that bridge and arrived safely on the
other side. Can you feel how much you have grown through going through what you
had to go through?
6. You are not alone on your journey. Our struggles are
intertwined with each other’s. When our paths meet, we receive support from a mentor or friend, and we give
support to another. Through the support you give, you feel supported. Can you
experience that?
7. We are never alone. Hashem is holding our hand throughout our
struggles, walking with us step by step. Tune into the support He gives you,
through His many messengers He sends your way. Feel how Hashem is holding your
hand right now, the Presence of the Shechina empathically holding and feeling
your pain.
8. Keep breathing mindfully and allow yourself to tap into the
loving compassionate embrace of the Divine presence, gently rocking you, as you
imagine the sand giving in to the imprint of your body, softly holding your
entire being in its vast eternity.
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