Parashat Shelach Lecha: How can we Learn to Deal with Personal Interactions Without Speaking or Accepting Lashon Hara (Evil Speech)

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Parashat Shelach Lecha 

How can We Learn to Deal with Personal interactions Without Speaking or Accepting Lashon Hara 

Is it Permitted to Agree to Your Friend’s Lashon Hara to Comfort Her? 

I’m so grateful for my wonderful staff and students. Even when I must deal with boring administrative tasks or challenging situations, I always remind myself how it’s such a zchut (privilege) to be able to teach and mentor such beautiful neshamot and help enable them to make their Torah home in Israel. Over the years I have learned so much from my students, and the challenging situations have taught me to grow in my own character, avoid taking things personally, and be less judgmental and more loving, compassionate, and understanding. Among the challenging situations, I recall a student (let’s call her Devorah) who had a conflict with one of my prior madrichot several years ago. The madricha (student counselor) had set her up for Shabbat meals with families in the community, but it happened once that Devorah changed plans a few times and then canceled one of the meals she had asked to be set up for at the last minute. While Devorah expressed that she didn’t think it was a big deal to cancel, the madricha was frustrated by the entire back and forth, and she told her that she no longer would continue to arrange meals for her in the community. This was so upsetting to Devorah, that she went to seek comfort by venting to her friends. When Devorah told me that her friends shared negative feelings and complaints about the madricha, calling her “condescending and mean,” I explained that this was lashon hara (evil speech). Any student who finds fault with a staff member or anyone at B’erot should come directly to me. It is permitted and considered for a beneficial purpose to report to the director since she is responsible for taking care of such matters. Yet, it is absolutely forbidden and lashon hara to the greatest degree for a student to talk negatively to another student about a B’erot staff member (or about anyone). Devorah argued that she had heard from numerous Torah teachers that “talking about your feelings with a friend in this way is ok since it helps you process your emotions and feel better sooner. If you get bullied by someone, and your friends support you and validate that that person is a bully, this would not be considered Lashon Hara” she claimed. I sadly didn’t get a chance to respond.  However, being aware of the complexities of the laws of guarding your tongue, I’d like to discuss the blind spots of this statement according to the principles of the Chafetz Chaim, how it plays out in Parashat Shelach Lecha and how developing gratitude can help us avoid speaking lashon hara. 

Is it Permitted to Vent to a Friend About Being Treated Unjustly by a Fellow Jew?                     The need to vent is common especially among women, as we tend to be easily emotionally affected, and need to process our emotions before a listening ear (what are husbands for?). So, if you are a single woman, venting your hurt feelings to your friends is natural. A highly negative experience can cause much harm and sharing it with a spouse, or a close friend can be essential to getting over it smoothly. If the negative tale is required – a shower/sleep won’t do the job – and it is related in the spirit of processing emotions, rather than as hateful and spiteful speech, it would possibly be exempted from the prohibition of lashon hara. Yet certain conditions must be met to make venting negative feelings permissible. I once heard from a tape by Rabbi Kessing that even if venting may be permitted, who told you, you can be an air conditioner?! Based on what I have learned from the Chafetz Chaim I understand from this statement that you must choose the people you vent to carefully. It is preferable to vent to a husband, a mentor, a therapist, or any trusted person who will help you see a greater perspective and grow from the incident. Venting to someone who may already feel negatively about the person you feel unjustly treated by is the worst choice. She is expected to agree with you, validating your right to be upset with the person, and adding her own negative feelings about that person. This not only doesn’t help you keep the mitzvah of “giving the benefit of the doubt,” and move on, but it actually encourages and reinforces your negative feelings toward a fellow Jew. Venting to this kind of friend also prevents you from fulfilling the mitzvah of “loving your fellow Jew like yourself.”

Some Suggestions on How to Vent Your Feelings in a Permitted Way                                            Chafetz Chaim delineates the principles of when speaking derogatorily for a beneficial purpose is permitted in Laws of Lashon Hara Chapter 10, part 14. I’ll share some of Chafetz Chaim’s limitations in my own words on how to vent in a permitted way. First of all, your need to feel better by venting must not be at the expense of putting someone else down or even worse causing a fellow Jew damage, such as monetary loss, or defaming her. If you have other options to make yourself feel better, try them before venting to others. We have all inherited a natural tendency to blame others and defend ourselves from Adam and Eve in the garden. To bring the Geulah we must work on overcoming this tendency by giving the benefit of the doubt. Before talking to someone else, calmly reexamine the scenario to determine if you are truly right and if the other person’s action was indeed unwarranted. Whenever possible try to speak directly and respectfully to the person who has made you uncomfortable before talking about her to others. When speaking with ‘the perpetrator’ use ‘I statements’ rather than accusations. Explain how her actions or words made you uncomfortable and sincerely ask her to explain why she acted or spoke this way rather than blaming her. This usually accomplishes either that the person apologizes or that she explains herself in a way that helps you understand her perspective so that you realize why she had to act as she did. Thus, speaking directly with the person who upset you can help you to forgive and move on. If you must vent to another person to make yourself feel better and bounce back quicker, choose only one person to vent to (don’t be an air conditioner). When you speak to your chosen person, don’t exaggerate. Only tell her the minimum essential information necessary to help you feel better. Leave out any unnecessary details that would only show the person in a worse light. 

How May You Respond When Someone is Venting Her Hurt Feelings to You?                        Sometimes it is a mitzvah to hear Lashon Hara talk if you reckon that you will be able to show the speaker or other people present that the story was not as reported or alleviate its severity in some other way. It is also a mitzvah to listen if you reckon that by listening you will be able to quiet the speaker’s anger so that she does not repeat the story to others (who may believe it). This will promulgate peace among Jews. Of course, you must never actually believe the lashon hara (Hilchot Lashon Hara, Chapter 6, section 4). It is forbidden according to Torah Law to accept Lashon Hara, we should not believe that the story is true, because by doing so we lower our opinion of the subject. [It is even forbidden] if the listener doesn’t explicitly agree with the speaker’s story – but if he does agree with the story, he doubles the violation, for the listener becomes a speaker [by voicing agreement] as well as accepting the Lashon Hara. One who accepts Lashon Hara violates the prohibition “Lo tisa shema shav – Do not raise a false report” (Shemot 23:1). Applying these principles to our introductory story, it becomes clear that Devorah’s friends who validated her negative feelings against the madricha by agreeing with her and even adding their own negative experiences with the said person were guilty of accepting lashon hara, as well as speaking it. (In Hebrew the word for believing לקבל/lekabel means both to believe and to accept). Accepting/believing in lashon hara is one of the 17 Torah prohibitions a person can transgress through lashon hara, besides the 14 positive mitzvot a speaker for lashon hara may violate. Even if you are permitted to listen to the negative report, you must never believe it is true, for there are always two sides to any story. 

Kalev – the Role Model for How to Respond to a Negative Report                                                Parashat Shelach Lecha recounts how Kalev responded to the spies’ negative report. He was able to silence the people when they were speaking against Moshe, by making belief he was on their side but then turning the story around to teach the spies gratitude toward their leader and their G-d. He cried out, “Is this the only thing the son of Amram has done to us?” Anyone listening might have thought that he intended to disparage him, and since there was [resentment] in their hearts against Moshe because of the spies’ report, they all became silent so they could hear his defamation. But he then continued, “Didn’t he split the sea for us, bring down the manna for us, and cause the quails to fly down to us?” [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:30). Kalev – one of the only men to enter the land of Israel – is a role model to us on how to respond to lashon hara in the highest way. Had Devorah’s friends learned from him, they would have listened to Devorah, validated her feelings, and shown empathy without agreeing with her perspective. Saying, “Wow this must be so painful for you, etc.” Then turning things around by mentioning all the good the madricha had done for her and her fellow students such as: “Is this all the madricha has done? Didn’t she organize your and our Shabbat meals during all these months? Didn’t she coordinate special events and school trips for us? and didn’t she teach and tutor us as well? Teaching their friend gratitude toward their mentor would also help elevating her to overcome focusing on herself and her hurt feelings while encouraging a general attitude of gratitude toward others and Hashem. 

The Connection between Negative Speech and Distrust in Hashem

ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לא וְהָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר עָלוּ עִמּוֹ אָמְרוּ לֹא נוּכַל לַעֲלוֹת אֶל הָעָם כִּי חָזָק הוּא מִמֶּנּוּ: (לב) וַיֹּצִיאוּ דִּבַּת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר תָּרוּ אֹתָהּ אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לֵאמֹר הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר עָבַרְנוּ בָהּ לָתוּר אֹתָהּ אֶרֶץ אֹכֶלֶת יושְׁבֶיהָ הִוא וְכָל הָעָם אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ בְתוֹכָהּ אַנְשֵׁי מִדּוֹת: (לג) וְשָׁם רָאִינוּ אֶת הַנְּפִילִים בְּנֵי עֲנָק מִן הַנְּפִלִים וַנְּהִי בְעֵינֵינוּ כַּחֲגָבִים וְכֵן הָיִינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶם:

“But the men who went up with him said, We are unable to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we. They spread a [evil] report about the land they had scouted, telling the children of Israel, The land we passed through to explore is a land that consumes its inhabitants, and all the people we saw in it are men of stature. There we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes” (Bamidbar 13:31-33).      

Rashi explains for they are stronger than we: Heb. מִמֶּנּוּ/memenu, [which may also be read as, מִמֶּנּוֹ/memeno they are stronger than He.] They said this in reference to the most High, as it were, [as if to say that the people are stronger than Hashem. [Sotah 35a]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:31). Nechama Leibowitz explains that the Talmud aims to bring out not merely what was on their lips, but to probe deeper and unfold their inner thought. When Kalev encouraged the people by telling them that they would be able to overcome the obstacles, he implied that they should rely on Divine assistance.  It was this trust in G-d that the spies repudiated. They said: “For they are stronger than we,” but denial of Divine Providence was implicit in their behavior.  What they really meant was, therefore, “they are stronger than Him, than G-d.” - In Whom Moshe and Aharon, Kalev and Yehoshua ultimately placed their confidence. Perhaps we may venture to say that at the root of all evil speech is a certain degree of denial of Hashem. When we truly believe that everything in our lives is orchestrated by the Almighty, there is no room to be critical and launch out against a fellow Jew. Through developing gratitude toward Hashem, we learn to realize that the other person is never to blame as everything we go through – as challenging as it may be – is from Hashem and for our good. In light of the current situation in Israel, when we are all praying that our soldiers succeed in eradicating the evil in Aza and rescue the refugees speedily, we must strengthen our emunah in Hashem, and His ability to fight on our behalf as well as specifically try and cut down on Lashon Hara.  Rabbi Abbah son of Kahana said, The generation of David was all righteous, but because there was lashon hara among them, they went to war and were falling... However, the generation of Achav, although they were idol worshippers – did not have lashon hara – therefore they descended to war and were victorious (Yerushalmi, Peah 1:1). Just as negative speech prevented the Israelites from meriting the land of Israel and eventually caused the destruction of the two temples in Jerusalem, positive speech, gratitude, and ultimate trust will – with the help of Heaven – make us merit complete victory over evil and the rebuilding of the Temple of Light in our Holy City! 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Shelach Lecha –

Some Tips for Overcoming Negativity and Complaining

It’s easy to fall prey to a destructive pattern of speaking badly about others and gossiping – to the point where it becomes a recreational activity! To enjoy the many people in our lives, we must stop verbalizing negativity and focus on their positive virtues. This takes a lot of effort but is essential to living happy healthy lives. If we’re always finding fault, we will naturally be dissatisfied, disappointed, and displeased, and so will everyone around us. By developing an attitude of gratitude and seeing the good points in everyone around us, even in the people by whom we initially may feel humiliated, we will get closer to Hashem and live happier lives free of destructive speech. 

 ·       Think Before You Speak – Before saying something about someone else, pause and consider whether it is necessary or if it could be potentially harmful. Reflect on how your words may impact others and the harm that lashon hara can cause to relationships and communities.

• Practice Empathy – Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider how you would feel if someone were speaking negatively about you.

• Cultivate Mindfulness – Be mindful of your words and actions and strive to cultivate a sense of awareness and self-control in your speech. By being mindful of your words, practicing empathy, and focusing on positive communication, you can work towards avoiding lashon hara and fostering a more harmonious and respectful environment in your interactions with others.

• Speak Directly to the Person – If you have an issue with someone, try to address it directly with them rather than discussing it with others behind their back.

• Don’t Fall into the Trap of Casual Lashon Hara – At dinner and at other family times, bring books to the table to discuss or talk about current events. When you discuss what happened in each person’s day, focus on what they learned that day and how they felt. Show your friends and family that there are more interesting things to talk about than other people’s poor behavior.

• Learn to Start Conversations, Ask Questions, Interrupt Gracefully or ‘Disattend.’ – These are crucial skills because we often find ourselves in social settings where the conversations are little more than gossip, which takes our focus off G-d and His goodness. If you find yourself in a conversation that is turning toward lashon hara, try to change the subject or steer the conversation in a more positive direction.

• Remember that the Statement “But It’s True!” does not Exonerate Lashon hara – It specifically refers to sharing derogatory information when it is true. Spreading vicious lies is far worse and belongs to the category called Motzei Shem Ra (defamation). 

• Make Positive Speech Reminders – Tape a reminder to the telephone: “No Lashon Hara!” Put up signs on the fridge and in other prominent locations around the house.

• Study the Laws of Guarding Your Tongue – Read a small section of the laws of lashon hara each day during dinner or at your Shabbat table. Encourage discussion and examples.

• Give Positive Reinforcement – Be sure to commend your kids when they manage to tell you about school or neighborhood problems without mentioning who was involved. Let them know that you’re proud of them - and that G-d is too.

Parashat Beha’alotcha: How Can We Learn Positivity and Total Trust from the Israelites’ Desert Complaint?

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Parashat Beha’alotcha
How Can We Learn Positivity and Total Trust from the Israelites’ Desert Complaint? 

What are the Three Human Weaknesses that Cause Ungratefulness? 

I notice three Human Nature weaknesses through which we all are easily led astray into ungratefulness. The first is our tendency to notice the negative constantly, the second is our unsatisfiable desire for more no matter how much we already have, and the third is our worries that we may lose what we have.  How do these underlying principles of ingratitude play out in our lives? Hmm. When people visit, I can’t understand why they always rave about my garden. All I see are a few occasional flowers hidden in all the weeds I didn’t get to. I also discern all the withering leaves and all the plants that are struggling. I furthermore sadly recall all those plants that died for various reasons. When I visit my friends’ gardens – I’m truly impressed – wishing my garden would be even just a fraction as lush, vibrant, and colorful. Due to this tendency to view what belongs to myself in a negative light, I don’t wear the glasses I’m supposed to wear except for when I’m driving or going out to watch a show, both of which I rarely do these days. If I were to wear my glasses at home, I would constantly notice the dirty spots on my ceramic floor, kitchen counter, and cabinets. No matter how much I would try to clean, everything would become dirty again quicker than I could wipe the spots away. We all go through life wearing dirt-colored glasses, continually noticing the negative, but it is not always as easy to remove these glasses as it is for me to avoid wearing mine. Regarding the second human weakness, today the scent of my husband grilling the Shabbat chicken made me feel such a craving to dig into that juicy piece on a Friday morning that it took great effort to pull myself away. When my husband offered me a mini piece to taste I had to recline, knowing that this little chicken crump that had come apart from the thigh was only going egg my appetite, and it would be hard not to gobble up the full piece reserved for Shabbat. I suffer much from the third weakness of worry. What’s gonna be? what’s gonna be? In a day and age when so many couples get divorced, what if that would happen to my newlywed son, G-d forbid? How could we ever bear it? Will we have new students for the summer program? How will the midrasha continue when someday I will need to retire? These kinds of worries distract me from appreciating what is. 

Craving a Craving for More and More 

The Israelites in the desert fell prey to these human weaknesses and thus displayed the utmost ingratitude. Although, the manna would taste almost like everything you imagined (BT, Yoma 75a), the Israelites exposed their desire for more and more:

ספר במדבר פרק יא פסוק ד וְהָאסַפְסֻף אֲשֶׁר בְּקִרְבּוֹ הִתְאַוּוּ תַּאֲוָה וַיָּשֻׁבוּ וַיִּבְכּוּ גַּם בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וַיֹּאמְרוּ מִי יַאֲכִלֵנוּ בָּשָׂר: 

“But the multitude among them began to have strong cravings. Then even the children of Israel once again began to cry, and they said, “Who will feed us meat?” (Bamidbar 11:4).

The Hebrew literally reads הִתְאַוּוּ תַּאֲוָה/hitavu ta’avah – ‘they craved a craving.’ This implied that they objected to their spiritual lifestyle of being nursed directly by the Divine. The sacred manna, completely absorbed into their bodies without any waste whatsoever (BT, Yoma 75b), was too ethereal for them. You could never overeat or binge on manna. It was angelic food. They craved an earthy life of roast beef and potatoes that would saturate their body with that heavy feeling of having overeaten. Rashi explains that the Israelites indeed did have meat, but they were looking for a pretext to complain even if their craving was unbounded: WHO WILL FEED US MEAT? - Did they not have meat? Does it not say, “Also a great mixed multitude went up with them, and flocks and cattle” (Shemot 12:38)? You might argue that they had already eaten them. But when they were about to enter the Land, is it not written that “the children of Reuven had much cattle” (Bamidbar 32:1)? The answer is that they were seeking a pretext [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:4]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:4). Although our students are generally of the most spiritual caliber and would give anything for a taste of manna, occasionally we do have students who feel the need for a break to get away from spiritual Bat Ayin and submerge themselves in secular Tel Aviv. 

Belittling the Sacred Manna – the Most Valuable Divine Gift

The Manna was the Israelites’ spiritual barometer and came to the doorstep of the person deserving it. Otherwise, according to the severity of sin, one would have to go further away to collect his daily portion of manna. Rather than appreciating the bread from heaven, the people spoke degradingly of the superior manna Hashem had provided:

ספר במדבר פרק יא פסוק ה זָכַרְנוּ אֶת הַדָּגָה אֲשֶׁר נֹאכַל בְּמִצְרַיִם חִנָּם אֵת הַקִּשֻּׁאִים וְאֵת הָאֲבַטִּחִים וְאֶת הֶחָצִיר וְאֶת הַבְּצָלִים וְאֶת הַשּׁוּמִים: (ו) וְעַתָּה נַפְשֵׁנוּ יְבֵשָׁה אֵין כֹּל בִּלְתִּי אֶל הַמָּן עֵינֵינוּ:

“We remember the fish we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!” (Bamidbar 11:5-6).

Living such spiritual lives is obligating. As Rashi explains, the Egyptians didn’t give them fish free of charge, as it states, “Straw shall not be given to you” (Shemot 5:18)? Now if straw was not given free of charge, was fish given to them free of charge? So, what does “free of charge” mean? Free from [the burden of] mitzvot [based on Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:5]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:6). The Israelites loathed to be monitored spiritually by the manna, they wanted to be ‘free’ in the lowest sense of the word – free to do whatever they felt like whether it was aligned with the divine will or not. According to Rabbeinu Bachaya, the Israelites expressed their disgust at what was a most valuable gift from G-d. They belittled the manna by comparing it unfavorably to Egypt’s most inferior produce. Moreover, the fact that they mentioned fish was an outright insult against the manna since the only kind of fish the Israelites got in Egypt were the fish that had been caught at least four or five days previously and had already begun to decompose and stink. When the Torah refers to the fish in the Nile when the river was turned into blood, the river is described as “stinking with these dead fish” and the dead fish are described as דָּגָה/daga (Shemot 7:17). Likewise, the Israelites remembered הַדָּגָה/hadaga instead of דָּגִים/dagim or הַדָּג/hadag – “the fish.” The word הַדָּגָה/hadaga means that these fish had decomposed to the extent that they were recognizable only as a species not individually. Through persistently looking for the negative, the Israelites expressed their dissatisfaction with the good they had. 

Torah, Positivity, and Total Trust – The Antidotes to Cravings, Negativity and Worry 

The Israelites were concerned and worried about what their future would hold. They feared their bodies would dry out without more substantial food than manna, so they grumbled: “We have nothing but manna to look at: Manna in the morning, manna in the evening” [Sifrei Beha’alothecha 1:42:5]; (Rashi, Bamidbar 11:6). It got to the point where the Israelites pined after the ‘good old days’ of their slavery in Egypt, where they didn’t have to worry about their physicality drying up. They got so worried that hundreds of years of hard slave labor in Egypt seemed like paradise. They may have had food and water in Egypt, but they had somehow forgotten about the physical brutality they had endured during their slavery there. G-d miraculously rescued them from over 200 years of cruel slavery, yet they still doubted that He could meet even their most basic needs. We read the Hagaddah every Pesach to remind ourselves and recall how Hashem – throughout the ages – has taken care of us, brought us out of the Egyptian slavery, and embraced us with His Holy Torah on Mt. Sinai. The key to overcoming worry is to recall the message of the Hagaddah, reminding ourselves that just as Hashem has always been there for us in the past, so will He continue to supervise our lives in the very best way for us. By developing our spiritual desire for Torah, trust in Hashem, and a positive attitude, we can overcome the Human weaknesses of craving, worrying, and constantly noticing the negative. Parashat Beha’alotcha means “When you ascend.” In the spirit of Beha‘alotecha, let us continue to ascend, and step up to ignite the candles of spirituality, positivity, and total trust in Hashem!  

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Beha’alotcha –

Some Tips for Overcoming Negativity and Complaining

We need to stay focused on Hashem, remember His faithfulness, and learn to have a thankful heart in all circumstances. I can assure you that it is easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to the area of complaining. I have learned, however, that the more we thank Hashem for all of our blessings in life, the more we recognize His presence in our lives. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with confiding in a trusted mentor or friend about your life struggles. It can help you grow stronger in your emunah. Complaining, however, involves a completely different mindset.

• Notice How Complaining Makes You Forget Hashem – when we choose to complain, we take our focus off of G-d and His goodness. Even throughout hardships and sickness, G-d is good, G-d is our Healer. Complaining can keep us from recognizing that fact.

 

• Complaining Causes Us to Focus on Our Problems Rather than the Answer – The Israelites were complaining in the desert because they had forgotten all that G-d had done for them. In every circumstance leading up to this point, G-d had provided for them. They were so focused on how they felt and stuck in their negative outlook that they had forgotten that G-d had always provided for their needs. Hashem is our loving parent and wants only our best. 

  

When we complain, We Cause a Desecration of Hashem’s Name – It is way too easy to ‘vent’ our frustrations to others. Instead of telling others about Hashem’s Divine Supervision in our lives, we end up complaining about our current circumstances. Why would anyone want to serve the G-d of someone unhappy and constrantly complaining? We misrepresent our good and faithful G-d when we do nothing but complain.

 

• Complaining Keeps Us from Our G-d-given Tasks – The enemy loves to keep us focused on our problems. G-d has big plans for every one of us, but when we get into a complaining mindset, it’s easy to stay there. We can’t accomplish much when we are unhappy with life. It makes us live in a constant state of misery, worry, and discontentment. It cripples us from doing the things G-d has called us to do.

  

• Complaining About Our Circumstances Won’t Change Them – Can you think of a time when complaining accomplished anything? Probably not. All complaining ever does for me is make me even more upset. I actually become angrier when I complain. I begin to feel ‘entitled’ somehow…even bitter. Circumstances are changed when we change our attitudes and take action accordingly. Complaining is pointless and won’t get you where you need to be.

• Complaining Stems from an Ungrateful Heart – The Israelites weren’t thinking about all the amazing things G-d had done for them. Instead, they were focused on themselves and their current struggles. We need to stay focused on Hashem. We need to remember His past faithfulness and learn to retain a thankful heart in every circumstance. I can assure you that it is easier said than done. I am definitely a work in progress when it comes to complaining. I have learned, however, that the more we thank G-d for all of our blessings in life, the more we recognize His presence in our lives.

What Personal Lessons Can We Glean from the Princes’ Identical Gifts?

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Parashat Naso

What Personal Lessons Can We Glean from the Princes’ Identical Gifts? 

In a World Filled with People Does Hashem Appreciate Each of Us Individually? 

I have often wondered how a mother of ten and a grandmother of more than fifty can appreciate all her children and grandchildren. How could she ever remember all their birthdays? How would she be able to show them all that each one has a special place in her heart? Some people may ask the same question of G-d. Since his world is filled with millions of people why would He care about little me? The truth is that our hearts expand with the birth of each child, and so does our capacity to love. How much more so, does Hashem care about us, being the source of love, Hashem’s infinite love embraces each of us individually. He is not only aware of all our actions, but He also knows our thoughts and intentions, our hardships, and our strivings. “I, Hashem, search the heart, test the kidneys, to give every one according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds” (Yirmeyahu 17:10). Each of us is important to Hashem, no matter how many other people exist in His world. If you think G-d is a punishing judgmental G-d who is out to get you, just take a minute to focus on all the blessings in your life, and even when you look back to your past hardships you may discover, how you became a better person as the result of having gone through them. “Hashem your G-d is in your midst, a Mighty One Who will save. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will be silent in His love. He will jubilate over you with song” (Tzefaniah 3:17). We all need to feel important and appreciated. That’s a basic human need. Sadly, in our time and age, many of us lack this basic need, and mental illness has been on the rise for a while. Generation Z born between 1997 – 2012 colloquially known as Zoomers are well acquainted with the Internet and social media from a young age. A 2022 survey of Gen Z young adults (ages 19 through 24) found that 42% are diagnosed with a mental health condition. Perhaps this is due to the lack of appreciation being reduced to a number by digital technology. Alyssa Mancao, a therapist in Los Angeles with a Gen Z client base notes that having grown up with the internet causes a lot of Gen Z to compare themselves with others. Her clients talk about comparing everything from their physical appearances to their career paths with their peers and influencers online. “There are a lot of feelings of inadequacy, and what I'm seeing is a lot of comparison,” she said. Parashat Naso literally means lifting. Its reassuring message is that each of us has value in our own right, we are so much more than just a digit. 

Upholding the Dignity and Value of Each Individual Person Created in the Image of G-d 

In the holocaust, the Jews were reduced to a number. The prisoner numbers have become a synonym for dehumanization that struck the deportees of the concentration camp. These numbers were to serve efficient ‘management’ of camps, performed by the SS teams. In contrast, Parashat Naso, which likewise is about counting the Jewish people, demonstrates the Torah way of imbuing each person counted with dignity:

 ספר במדבר פרק ד פסוק ב נָשֹׂא אֶת רֹאשׁ בְּנֵי קְהָת מִתּוֹךְ בְּנֵי לֵוִי לְמִשְׁפְּחֹתָם לְבֵית אֲבֹתָם:

“Make a count (נָשֹׂא/naso) of the sons of Kehat from among the children of Levi by their families, according to their fathers' houses” (Bamidbar 4:2). 

The word Naso is a verb with a range of meanings, including to lift, to carry, and to forgive. Together with the word רֹאשׁ/rosh – ‘head’ it is used to apply to counting. The Torah is not short of other verbs meaning to count, such as limnot, lispor, lifkod, and lachshov. Why, then, did Parashat Naso not simply use a regular word for ‘counting” instead of “lift the head”? The choice of “lifting the head” teaches us one of the most central beliefs of Judaism. Since we are created in the image of G-d, every one of us has infinite value. We are each unique. None of us is interchangeable with anyone else. Discovering G-d, singular and alone, our ancestors discovered the human individual, singular and alone (Inspired by Rabbi Yonathan Zacks, Lifting Heads, Naso, 5778).

Do we Need to be Better than Others to be Valued?

Parashat Naso is the longest Parasha in the Torah. Chapter Seven in the Book of Bamidbar consists of 89 pesukim/verses which list the beautiful gifts brought by the princes of the twelve tribes, one tribe per day. The description of their gifts is repeated twelve times because the princes of each tribe brought exactly the same gifts to the Mishkan. The way of the Torah is to avoid writing any word needlessly. Just one extra letter may teach us many significant legal principles Yet, regarding the offerings of the Princes, the Torah apparently, needlessly goes ahead and repeats the exact same thing again and again. Wouldn’t it have been simpler to say Nachshon ben Aminadav offered such and such, and so too each of the princes of the remaining eleven tribes?  In our competitive Western World, people often want to show how great they are, usually at the expense of someone else. The later princes could have added something more extraordinary to their gifts to make them stand out. That’s not the Torah way. We don’t lift ourselves up by stepping on others! What was a perfect gift for the first prince was just as perfect for the twelfth one. A Chassidic rabbi with many children was once asked in an interview how many children he had. He replied, “One!” Incredulous, the questioner persisted, and the rabbi clarified: “I was correct when I told you that I only have “one.”  I have one Shemuel, one Leah, one Sarah.….” How often do we hear of conflicts when parents, teachers, and bosses play favorites? That’s not the Torah way. We don’t lift up some while putting down others! (Based on By Rabbi Doniel Z. Kramer, Ph.D., Parashat Naso: Like Gifts to the Divine, Every Human Being Has Value).

Lifting Ourselves in Appreciation for Our Personal Relationship with the Divine 

Rav Shlomo Breuer explains that the Torah repeats the description of the offerings twelve times to teach us that each Prince actually brought a different offering. This is because what a person gives is not as important as how he gives it. Two people can donate $1000 to B’erot but for one person it’s a drop in his bucket whereas for another person it’s a major contribution. When we look beyond the surface, we will learn to appreciate each person for her effort and intent. Hashem devoted so many repeated Torah verses to describe the same gift to show us how much he values each of them. He didn’t belittle any gift with “the same old” attitude. Each gift and gift giver deserved full appreciation because each prince put his own special stamp on his gift, making it unique and personal. The repetition of identical gifts thus teaches us to appreciate the gifts we receive even if we have already gotten the same, valuing the intention even more than the actual gift. The offering of the princes was as beloved before Hashem as the song sung by the Jewish People at the Reed Sea.” The song at the sea says “This [zeh] is my G-d and I will glorify Him” (Shemot 15:2), and here it is written, “This [zeh] is the offering of Nacḥshon ben Aminadav” (Bamidbar 7:17). The offering of the princes was as beloved before Hashem as the two Tablets of the Covenant. Regarding the two Tablets, it is written, “From this side and from that side [m’zeh u-m’zeh] they were inscribed” (Shemot 32:15); (Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 8:3). The word זֶה/zeh – ‘this’ always refers to a personal experience. It signifies seeing something concrete enough to point at it with a finger (see Rashi Shemot 12:2). At the Song of the Sea each Israelite experienced a personal relationship with Hashem expressed by “This is my [personal] G-d…” Likewise, at the giving of the Torah, each Jew felt that Hashem spoke directly to him. This too applies to the princes’ gift to the Mishkan, although identical, each tribe gave his own personal gift as an expression of his unique relationship with G-d.(Inspired by Rav Frand, Lessons Learned from Gifts of the Nesiim). We always read Parashat Naso the Shabbat following Shavuot representing the peak and the highest Jewish experience – hearing the words of the Torah given directly by Hashem.  How thankful we must feel for our special relationship with Hashem. Tapping into this gratefulness helps us feel dignified and valued. It empowers us to proudly “lift up our heads” in thankfulness for our unique connection with the Divine. We can feel valued as the “chosen people” – chosen to sanctify our lives through the acceptance and observance of the Torah. 

          

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Naso – 

Some Tips for Lifting Ourselves Up Without Stepping on Others 

Many of us have the habit of comparing ourselves to others. This is a major source of unhappiness and low self-esteem, stemming from our society’s focus on competitiveness. Constant comparing yourself to others is unhealthy and can harm your self-esteem. Measuring yourself against others can make you over-anxious and can lead to discouragement. Learning to stop comparing yourself involves improving your self-esteem and confidence in your own unique value.  

• Develop Awareness – We often make social comparisons without realizing we’re doing it. It’s a natural act, done without consciousness. The solution is to become conscious – and bring these thoughts to the forefront of your consciousness by being on the lookout for them. If you focus on these thoughts for a few days, it will soon be hard not to notice, and it keeps getting easier with practice.

• Stop Yourself – Once you realize you’re making these comparisons, give yourself a pause. Don’t criticize yourself or feel bad – acknowledge the thought, and gently change focus.

• Don’t knock Others Down – Sometimes we criticize others just to make ourselves look or feel better. Taking someone else down for your benefit is destructive. It forms an enemy when you could be making a friend. In the end, that hurts you as well. Instead, try to support others in their success.

• Count Your Blessings – Focus on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Think about how blessed you are to have what you have. Appreciate the people in your life who care about you, and even just being alive!

• Strengthen Your Emunah that Hashem Truly Loves You for Being You – Hashem created you because He needs you in His world.  He created you for a purpose and has a particular job for you in His world. Although the world is filled with people, no one is exactly like you. No one has exactly your soul-print with the qualities and talents that distinguish you. You are the only one who can serve Hashem in your personal way.

How Does Our Yetzer Hara (Negative Impulse) Teach Us About Our Mission in Life?

Printable Version

Parashat Bamidbar How Does Our “Yetzer Hara (Negative Impulse) Teach Us About Our Mission in Life?

What is the Connection Between Knowing our Mission and Receiving the Torah? 

I feel very fortunate that I found my place and purpose in life at a relatively young age. I always knew that I was sent into this world for a purpose, I just wasn’t aware of which purpose. As a teenager, when I was searching the world to find myself and my mission, Hashem guided me to the Western Wall and to the Yeshiva, where I ended up staying for seven years while learning Torah, getting married, and having my first son. I experienced a strong exhilarating homecoming, as I climbed the rocks of Mt. Tzion and danced to the country music of The Diaspora Yeshiva Band. Yet, I cannot say it has been smooth sailing since then. I recall my 30-year birthday in the exile of Memphis TN, feeling lost again and without a purpose, just groping in the dark to learn what Hashem wanted of me. Baruch Hashem, I’m so grateful that He led me back to the land where I could find myself and flourish, although not without bumps in the road. I experienced many stages of finding my true mission in the world, each more refined and specific than the other. Even now, I’m still torn between my involvement in the administration of Midreshet B'erot Bat Ayin and my yearning to learn Torah and write books. There are truly so many rungs on the ladder of achieving our true purpose and mission in the world. Today, it seems that there is even more and more confusion than ever. Teenagers and adults alike are struggling to find their place in the world. Mental health issues run rampant, which may be partly attributed to the lack of purpose so many youngsters experience. I wish I could help more and show them their way, but everyone must go through their own journey of self-discovery, just as I have done. Parashat Bamidbar points us on the way. This Torah portion teaches us how each of us belongs to a specific camp with its unique flag. To truly receive the Torah in the deepest way we must know our place, and mission in life. Therefore, we read Parashat Bamidbar on the Shabbat prior to Shavuot, even during a leap year.

Why are the Flags so Important that Parashat Bamidbar describes them in Such Detail?

 

ספר במדבר פרק ב פסוק ב אִישׁ עַל דִּגְלוֹ בְאֹתֹת לְבֵית אֲבֹתָם יַחֲנוּ בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל מִנֶּגֶד סָבִיב לְאֹהֶל מוֹעֵד יַחֲנוּ: 

“The children of Israel shall encamp each man by his division with the flag staffs of their father’s house; some distance from the Tent of Meeting they shall encamp” (Bamidbar 2:2).

The Netivot Shalom asks why we need so many details about the order of the flags, since the Torah is eternal, how do these details relate to our serving G-d today? He begins explaining the inner meaning of the flags so relevant to our times by quoting the following midrash:

The Holy One blessed be He loved the Children of Israel with great love, as He arranged them according to banners like the ministering angels so that they would be distinguishable. From where is it derived that it was love for Israel? It is as Shlomo says: “He brought me to the banquet house, and his banner (flag) of love is upon me” (Song of Songs 2:4). When the Holy One blessed be He appeared upon Mount Sinai, twenty-two myriads of angels descended with him, as it is stated: “The chariots of G-d are myriad, thousands upon thousands of companies” (Tehillim 68:18), and they were all arranged according to banners, When Israel saw that they were all arranged according to banners, they began desiring banners. If only we could be arranged according to banners like them…The Holy One blessed be He said to them: “How you have desired to be arranged according to banners, by your life, I will fulfill your wish’ – ‘May Hashem fulfill all your wishes’” (Tehillim 20:6). Immediately, the Holy One blessed be He informed Israel and said to Moshe: ‘Go and arrange them according to banners, as they desired (Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 2:3).

What is the Purpose of the Flags of the Tribes of Israel?

What is the connection between the banners (flags) and Hashem’s love of Israel?  What is the connection between the flags and the giving of the Torah?  Each nation is unified under its flag. Likewise, each particular kind of soldier is unified under the unique flag of his unit. The flag symbolizes the specific mission of each camp. Today we likewise have flags. The banner of those who belong to the Breslev camp, for example, is an icon of fire. Chabad adherents have their Mashiach flag.  Since each angel has a unique way of serving Hashem, they are unified under their specific flag according to their levels and categories. The Children of Israel upon seeing the myriads of angles – each under their particular banner – desired their own flags as well. Since each Jew has his unique role, they desired clarification to know their role and mission like the angels. The worst thing in the world is being unaware of our purpose and mission, without knowing why we are alive and for what purpose Hashem sent us into this world. The banners symbolize the greatest love that Hashem showers upon us by clarifying our purpose and role in this world. The eternal message that the concept of flags teaches us is the importance of knowing our specific mission in this world. 

Living Up to the Flag We Carry

Just like the Levites play a special role in their service in the Temple (may it be rebuilt soon!), the rest of our tribes too, contribute their unique abilities to the general community. Some belong to the Tribe of Torah and fulfill roles of Torah learning, teaching, and writing Torah books. There are others whose role is performing deeds of chesed, always looking for new ways to reach out and help others. Others again, came into the world to finance and support Torah learning. We all have in common that we each have a specific role and mission to fulfill, for which we were sent down into this world. Parashat Bamidbar teaches us that there is no Jew who doesn’t have a special name and doesn’t belong to a tribe with its own banner. Hashem imbued us all with certain talents and circumstances from which we can learn to identify the flag with which we are affiliated and recognize our personal mission in the world. We are called upon to remain connected to the flag of our tribe as well as to fulfill our specific role in the world. Since we, Jews are all considered children of the King, we must beware of not soiling ourselves through coarse behavior that doesn’t suit our standing. The Ohr Hachayim explains that if we don’t measure up to our G-d-given role in this world that is a way of transgressing the mitzvah: “You shall not swear falsely by the name of your G-d) Shemot 20:7). Likewise, if we raise ourselves above the role we are meant to play in this world, our lack of authenticity is considered as swearing falsely, because although on the surface a person may look like a G-d-fearing Jew, behind the façade he could be far from what he pretends to be. The abilities and life circumstances in which Hashem places each of us imbue us with a certain mission in life. Therefore, we must adjust our ways to live up to the flag we carry.

Playing Our Specific Role in Hashem’s Master Plan 

Our underlying foundational emunah is that Hashem created the entire world. We believe that nothing within Hashem’s world was made without a divine purpose. If every stick and stone has its unique purpose, how much more so does every Jew – Hashem’s chosen people? We read Parashat Bamidbar before receiving the Torah, to teach us that it is not only through the unity of Israel that we merit Torah, but also, through each of us finding our place within our specific camp and flag – tapping into our personal mission in the world. Finding our ‘tribe’ is only one step in finding our purpose in life. Our individual mission is encoded in our names as it states, “according to the number of names” (Bamidbar 1:2, 18). The greatest preparation for receiving the Torah is knowing our individual purpose in the world – “Each person under his flag, according to the number of their names” (Bamidbar 2:2). Even if it may seem that there are so many Jews, we believe that each of us is needed to play our specific role in Hashem’s master plan. 

What are Some Pointers Helping us Discover Our Unique Mission in the World?

How do we know what our unique role is in this world? In the place where we notice that our yetzer hara is especially overpowering, that is a sign that our purpose is explicitly to rectify this matter. Since the yetzer hara was created to be our obstacle, it tries to prevent us from fulfilling our purpose in this world. Therefore, when we are involved in fulfilling our mission, the yetzer hara comes out strongest in its attempts to overcome us. Yet, this negative impulse is a blessing in disguise – It is nothing but Hashem’s banner that helps us discover our true mission. Thus, the yetzer hara expresses Hashem’s special love that He offers us by making us flags through which we can recognize our personal mission in the world. Let us be grateful for the banner of the yetzer hara because the most important thing in the world is to reveal why we are here, and our particular yetzer hara points us on the way! (Based on Netivot Shalom, Parashat Bamidbar, “and let His banner over me be love” pp.14-16).

    Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Bamidbar –

Some Tips for Finding Our Personal Mission in the World 

Hashem created everything in His world for a purpose. The wise Solomon thus teaches us, “G-d made everything for His purpose, even the wicked for the day of evil” (Mishlei 16:4). According to Arizal, no one has ever or will ever come into this world with the exact same mission as yours. The light you are meant to shine into the world is yours alone, as individual as your fingerprint, as personal as your voiceprint. Many of us go through life following the route laid out by society, with no clear sense of the mission entrusted to us. We are pulled in many different directions, feeling compromised in what we do and guilty for what we don’t do. Identifying your mission is the first step in leading a life of vibrancy and joy.

• Tap into Your Personal Mission on Shabbat Kodesh – It is especially possible to reveal our personal mission in the world on Shabbat.  This is because we are preoccupied and confused during the regular weekdays without a settled mind. This prevents us from having the clarity of knowing our camp and flag. On Shabbat, however, when we keep it properly, our minds settle to have the clarity to become “A person in tune with our personal camp and flag.”
• Meditate while Setting an Intention to Tune into Your Unique Mission – One of the best ways to connect with yourself and what Hashem expects of you is to root yourself in the present moment. It’s a task easier said than done, but one of the best ways to get yourself there is to practice mindfulness and meditation. The more you engage in these practices, the more in tune with yourself you’ll become, and the more in tune you are with yourself, the closer you’ll be to finding more purpose in your life. Take some time off to relax from the many chores that keep you preoccupied and prevent you from achieving a settled mind. Breathe deeply and mindfully and allow your thoughts to pass through you. When you have entered a relaxed state ask Hashem about your personal mission, and open yourself to receive Hashem’s answer for you. Keep breathing mindfully as you tune into the answer you may receive.·       
• Take Half an Hour to Sit Down with a Pen and Paper, Brainstorming – Write down whatever comes to your mind, what the first steps would be, and what you want it to look like in the end. And ask the Almighty for help in making it happen. He can give you whatever He deems you should have. And then see if the opportunity to take the next step emerges.” (Rabbi Nivin’s advice).·       
• Cultivate a Gratitude Habit – Keeping a gratitude journal is more than a record of daily thank-yous. As you jot down the things you’re grateful for, reflect on how each item aligns with what you truly value in life. Over time, you might notice patterns – recurring themes or passions that stand out. These patterns can be valuable clues to what makes you feel most alive, and potentially, to your greater mission in life.