Dear Rebbetzin,
I really feel at a complete loss, and have a hard time
keeping up my emunah (faith). My biological clock has been ticking for more
than a decade, and I don’t know if I will ever get married and have children. I
just feel so devastated and lost. How can I believe that I will get married
soon, when I see so many older single women? How can I know that I am not going
to remain one of them all my life? I’ve been praying and praying but it doesn’t
seem like Hashem is answering me. Can you please help strengthen my emunah?
Rachel Stein (name changed)
Dear
Rachel,
Hitbodedut (personal prayer) in the forest next to Bat Ayin |
I totally feel for you.
What you are going through is not easy, and I am aware that it doesn’t
necessarily help you to know that you are not alone in waiting to find your
soulmate. The uncertainty of not knowing what will be and whether you will ever
be able to find a husband and have children can be almost unbearable. In truth,
we never really know anything in life for sure. Even a woman, who does get
married and has children, sometimes, G-d forbid, may lose her spouse and
children. The main lesson of life is to accept that Hashem is in control. When
we let go and accept G-d’s will totally, Hashem doesn’t need to bring us
hardships in order to teach us this lesson. However, how can we accept Hashem’s
will and keep our steadfast emunah when we are in a situation that is so
unbearable?
Emunah is Trans-rational Acceptance of Hashem’s Will
Emunah doesn’t mean that
we believe that everything is going to turn out the way we want. Emunah is to
believe and accept that Hashem is in charge. Everything is in His loving hand
and according to His will. Emunah is to trust that everything is ultimately for
the best even if things do not always turn out according to our wishes. Within
this understanding and acceptance, we can find our place of heartfelt prayer to
Hashem that things will end up the way we hope and pray – like Chana who poured
out her soul in prayer for children. When we accept Hashem’s will, and make His
will our will, then Hashem too will make our will His will (Pirkei Avot
2:4). Emunah is bitul (gratuitous trans-rational acceptance), and as
harsh as it may sound, you need to accept that you may or may not get married
and have children. Emunah is to believe that even if what you desire the very
most never materializes G-d forbid; your life can still be meaningful and have
a great purpose. I know many single women who are miserable. I also know others
who find ways to be happy with their lot in life, performing many mitzvot and
contributing their talents to the world. Still other ‘older singles’ have found
fulfillment in later marriages to men with children whose children call them
“Grandma!”
Hardships are Wakeup Calls to Turn to Hashem
“Hashem desires our
hearts.” He desires to hear our prayers from the depths of our hearts. Hashem
always answers our prayer but sometimes the answer is “no” and we have to
accept that Hashem knows best what we really need to rectify ourselves. Often
the answer is “not yet” or “soon” but we just don’t know. Therefore, we need to be
patient in our emunah and continue to turn to Hashem with our prayers. This
week’s parasha is called וַיִּקְרָא/Vayikra – “He called.” Hashem constantly calls us to connect
with Him, and hardships are wakeup calls to turn to Hashem with every fiber of
our being.
וַיִּקְרָא אֶל משֶׁה וַיְדַבֵּר הָשֵׁם
אֵלָיו מֵאֹהֶל מוֹעֵד לֵאמֹר: (ויקרא פרק א
פסוק א)
“Hashem called to Moshe and Hashem spoke with
him from the Tent of Meeting saying…” (Vayikra 1:1).
As I write in my newest Parasha Meditation
Book, the last word לֵאמֹר/l’emor – “saying” is extra. If Hashem "spoke,"
obviously He would be “saying.” Whenever “saying” appears as an extra word, it
teaches us about the ongoing, continuous prophecy which applies to all future
generations (Mechilta, Parashat Beshalach, parasha 1). Just as
Hashem called to Moshe, He continuously calls us throughout the times,
nurturing an ongoing relationship with us. Hashem is putting you in this
unbearable situation in order to make you unload your burden on Him through the
depths of your prayers. Whenever you pray, don’t forget to include prayers for
other single women who are seeking their soulmate.
Practice Conversations with Hashem
Practicing Hitbodedut
(speaking with Hashem in your own words) is a powerful way of heeding Hashem’s
call for an ongoing relationship with Him. I used to find hitbodedut intimidating,
as the recommended time is for a full hour a day, which there is no way I could
fit into my schedule. My interest awoke, when I heard a talk by Rabbi Miki
Yosefi, who mentioned that even five minutes a day of hitbodedut can do
wonders. He also explained how Hashem responds to us by answers we receive in
our own heart. We learn this from King David’s Tehillim: לְךָ אָמַר לִבִּי בַּקְּשׁוּ פָנָי – “To You my heart said, ‘seek My
face’” (Tehillim 27:8). Who is saying, “Seek My face? It is written as
if my heart is saying that, but what is the face of our heart that we are asked
to seek? When it states, “To You my heart says, seek…” who is talking to whom?
According to Rashi, the word “to You” means “My heart speaks for You and as
Your emissary telling all of Israel to seek My face.” Thus, Rabbi Nachman
explains that when we speak to Hashem, Hashem answers us through the words that
come into our own heart. What our heart says is really the words of Hashem (Likutei
Moharan, part 1, Torah 138). So, I highly recommend daily Hitbodedut
– pouring out your heart to Hashem, expressing yourself in your own words, in
the language you understand best. Tell Him what you are going through – your
pain, the various pressures you are under, your personal situation, that of
others in your home, and also that of the Jewish people as a whole. Plead with
Hashem to help come genuinely close to Him. Argue with the Creator in any way
(like Avraham and Chana). Chose the most burning question in your life and ask
Hashem for an answer. Ask Hashem to guide you and then remain silent to receive
His answer for you.
May
Hashem bless you with true emunah and may He send you your soulmate speedily!
Great answer.
ReplyDeletesuch a comforting and deep answer! the only true way to deal with the difficulties in our lives that come up at any stage and any age...Thank you, Chana Bracha!
ReplyDeleteAmazing! Thank you. Rav Kool also has an amazing insight on listening to the feelings versus the mind when being on the right madrega. The afikoman is teaching this according to his commentary.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Chizuk! Being miserable is a choice and a person can chose to be happy.
Sorry I meant to write *Rav Kook
Delete