What Can we Learn from Yosef about Wholehearted Forgiveness, Elevating Sparks and Engendering Spiritual and Physical Revival?

 

Parashat Vayigash
What Can we Learn from Yosef about Wholehearted Forgiveness, Elevating Sparks and Engendering Spiritual and Physical Revival?

The Challenge of Forgiving Family Abuse

Yosef is called Tzaddik Yesod Olam – ‘The Righteous Foundation of the World.’ (Zohar 3:236a). He is the channel through which all sustenance – both physical and spiritual – enters our world. One of Yosef’s admirable character traits – described in Parashat Vayigash – is his ability to forgive his brothers for nearly killing him by throwing him in a pit filled with snakes and scorpions (Rashi, Bereishit 37:24), and subsequently selling him at a tender age of 17 to become a slave in decadent Egypt. You can only imagine how difficult it must have been for Yosef to be separated from his entire family as the only Jew in Egypt surrounded by immoral people. He moreover had to spend 12 years in a dirty dungeon, due to no fault of his own. Even more painful is the awareness of the hatred and jealousy pestering among his blood-brothers that spurred them to treat Yosef so cruelly without a trace of compassion. The most challenging situation to forgive is for suffering abuse from one’s own family – whom we naturally expect to behave lovingly. Nevertheless, Yosef’s greatest greatness is his ability to completely forgive his brothers. We all know that whereas it is relatively easy to say the words “I forgive you,” it is so much harder to internally forgive and let go. Why is forgiveness so important? How do we know that Yosef truly forgave his brothers? And what gave him the strength to deeply and wholeheartedly forgive the injustice done to him by his own family? 

What is the Underlying Secret to Forgiveness?

We learn from Yosef that the key to forgiveness is to integrate the awareness that Hashem is in charge of everything that happens to us, while others are just puppets in His mighty hand. Therefore, we must believe that whatever injustice may have been done against us has an underlying spiritual reason, which we may or may not understand at any given moment. Yet, we must strengthen our emunah that for some unexplainable reason, whatever was done against us was meant to be for the greater good of the world, and even for the good of our own personal soul journey. Perhaps it was to be an atonement for sins we may not realize we have committed in this life or in a prior life. Perhaps going through the process of dealing with the abuse is a way to rectify our soul and the world around us. Yosef clearly realizes how all the pain he had suffered through his brothers was part of Hashem’s master plan for a higher purpose. Therefore, within this greater perspective, he is able to totally forgive regardless of how much he had been wronged.

Yosef’s Forgiveness is a Lifesaving Channel

One of the many occasions when Yosef expresses his weltanschauung of seeing Hashem in everything that happens to him, is when he reveals himself to his brothers noticing how “his brothers could not answer him because they were startled [and embarrassed] by his presence” (Bereishit 45:3). With as pure heart free of any trace of blame, Yosef is able to reassure his brothers – in a loving, compassionate tone – that he has completely forgiven them:

 בראשית פרק מה פסוק ה: וְעַתָּה אַל תֵּעָצְבוּ וְאַל יִחַר בְּעֵינֵיכֶם כִּי מְכַרְתֶּם אֹתִי הֵנָּה כִּי לְמִחְיָה שְׁלָחַנִי אֱלֹהִים לִפְנֵיכֶם... פסוק ז: וַיִּשְׁלָחֵנִי אֱלֹהִים לִפְנֵיכֶם לָשׂוּם לָכֶם שְׁאֵרִית בָּאָרֶץ וּלְהַחֲיוֹת לָכֶם לִפְלֵיטָה גְּדֹלָה:

“Now, be not distressed, or angry with yourselves because you sold me hither; it was to preserve life that G-d sent me ahead of you…G-d sent me ahead of you to ensure your survival on earth, and to save your lives in an extraordinary deliverance” (Bereishit 45:5,7).

It is interesting to note that the word לְמִחְיָה/lemichyah translated “to preserve life” has the same letters as מְחִילָה/mechilah – ‘forgiveness.’ Perhaps the reason why Yosef was chosen to preserve the life of the Jewish people was his ability to forgive. When we truly forgive, we preserve our own and the offender’s life. Holding on to grudges is holding on to the negative forces created by sin – to the sitra achra – ‘The other side.’ Through forgiving we allow the negative forces to vanish. This enables us to become a channel for positive influences from the source of life – Hashem. The word מְחִילָה/mechilah can further be unscrambled to חַי לָהֶם/chai lahem – “Life to them” – through forgiveness we grant the gift of life. The letters of the words לְמִחְיָה/ מְחִילָהalso equals the letters of לֶחֶ”ם יַ”ה/lechem Ya – ‘the bread of Hashem’ referring to spiritual sustenance. (The word לח”ם in addition has the gematria of 78= 3 x 26). As well-known twenty-six is the numerical value of Hashem’s four-lettered name. So, when we grant forgiveness, we infuse reality with a triple dose of divine influence. Perhaps we can say, one of Hashem’s names for the perpetrator – the one we need to forgive, one for the victim – the one who needs to forgive, and one for the process of forgiveness, which necessitates Hashem’s presence.

Elevating Holy Sparks Through Forgiveness
The Tiferet Shlomo explains that the underlying reason why Yosef had to be sent down to Egypt before the rest of his family was to elevate holy sparks. There were indeed many divine sparks embedded in Egypt, because the higher the spiritual entity, the lower it falls. (Egypt is both spiritually and topographically a very lowly place). When Yosef reassured his brothers that he didn’t hold a grudge against them, since he was aware that Hashem had sent him to Egypt to gather grain, so that he could save the lives of his family and the entire region during the famine, he was also alluding to his mission to revive the holy sparks sunken in the depths of the depravity of Egypt:

 ספר תפארת שלמה על התורה - פרשת ויגש ...לשום לכם שארית בארץ להמשיך נשמות קדושות וזהו ג"כ להחיות לכם לפליטה גדולה. פי' להחיות הני"ק הנפזרים במצרים ערות הארץ כי יוסף הצדיק העלה ר"ב ניצוצות כנודע (שם מא, מט) ויצבור יוסף ב"ר (שם מה, כח) ר"ב עוד יוסף בני חי. וזהו הטוב לישראל כי בעבור זה ירדו למצרים. וזהו לפליטה גדולה לשון פליטה מהחיצונים חיל בלע ויקיאנו (איוב כ, טו) להחיות עם ר"ב:

“…To ensure your survival on earth” – to draw down holy souls, this is also to save your lives for a great deliverance. “To save your lives” refers to the holy sparks scattered in Egypt. For Yosef, the righteous elevated רָב/rav – 202 sparks. It states that Yosef gatheredבָּר /bar – ‘grain’ which has the numerical value of 202. This is the benefit for Israel, for the sake of which they went down to Egypt. This is “a great deliverance,” from the extraneous forces, to revive a great nation (Tiferet Shlomo on the Torah, Parasha Vayigash). 

After eating from the Tree, Adam separated from his wife Chava for 130 years. During these years,his seeds – which weren’t planted in a woman – became lights lacking vessels. The lights in themselves were holy sparks, having emanated from the holy Adam, who was created directly by Hashem’s hand. Yet, they needed elevation and rectification, to eventually become embodied by the Jewish nation leaving Egypt (Arizal, Sha’ar Hagilgulim, Parashat Shemot). The key to elevating sparks is the ability to find Hashem even within the reality that seems furthest away and most detached from divinity. Yosef – who was a master in seeing Hashem within even the most challenging situations, and within the physical realms where Hashem is most hidden – was chosen to rectify these trapped sparks and truly give life to the future Jewish nation. Through seeing Hashem within the pain of his betrayal by his brothers, thereby extending them his wholehearted forgiveness, Yosef had the power to revive and gather the holy sparks that were scattered in Egypt for which sake they needed to go down and become exiled there.

Letting Go of the Grudge by Seeing the Underlying Divine Perspective

Let us learn from Yosef to view reality from its inner Divine perspective. When people hurt us, we can work on accepting that there is a higher Divine purpose for why we need to go through this challenge. We can also practice identifying people with their inner beauty and virtue and internalize that people hurt because they are hurting. Although certain actions can be terrible and inexcusable, the perpetrators of such actions are not to be forever defined by their mistakes. From an inner perspective, it is possible to recognize that even such people are also created in G-d’s image. Beyond the mean façade, we may find concealed beautiful human beings with unique virtues and qualities. We need to ask ourselves: what can I see in this person that is beautiful? When we start looking past exterior actions and instead, into the essence of people, a place of understanding and forgiveness can certainly be found. When we feel hurt, insulted, or deceived, instead of jumping to judging and blaming, we have the opportunity to explore and seek the good points of our opponent. To access these positive points, it may be helpful to ask ourselves questions such as: What can I see in this person that is pure and G-dly? How can I perceive that what this person did to me was not necessarily a reflection of who he really is? Through digging deeper in search of the divine aspect of those who have caused us pain, we will be walking in Yosef’s footsteps on the true trail of forgiveness. 

EmunaHealing Exercise to Seek the Divine Aspect of Your Offender
1. Allow yourself to relax into your breath. Close your eyes and lean back while inhaling and exhaling gently. Acknowledge the hurt you have suffered. Recall who hurt you and why they did it? Envision the context of the situation, and when it happened.

2. Consider how the hurt and pain have affected you. How has the pain changed you? How detrimental was the person’s mistake to your life or to someone else’s?

3. Accept that what happened to you is from Hashem for a higher purpose. Realize that your anger and blame toward the person who wronged you won’t reverse the past or undo your suffering and pain.

4. Allow yourself to regard the person who wronged you with eyes of kindness, looking beyond the surface to access her good points and recognize her redeeming qualities.

By giving the benefit of the doubt, you can learn to see the person who caused you pain with different eyes.

5. Only by reconnecting with Hashem can you renew the love that is due to your fellow Jew.

Notice that the last part of the verse “V’ahavta l’re’echa kemocha” is “Ani Hashem” (Vayikra 19:17-18). To truly forgive and rebuild love and friendship we need to see Hashem in the other person. 

6. Visualize Hashem’s four-lettered name Yud/Key/Vav/Key on the body of the person who wronged you. Envision the letter י/yud – any place on her head it could be a small yud on her forehead or the yud could fill her entire head. Envision how Hashem’s light illuminates the yud and head of the person who wronged you.

7.  Now visualize the letter ה/heh of Hashem’s name on her shoulders and arms. The reversed L part of the heh is her shoulder and right arm, while the smaller detached part of the heh is her left arm. See Hashem’s light shining through the letter heh of His name, illuminating the shoulders and arms of the person you want to forgive.

8. The straight line of the ו/vav becomes the spine of the person you are forgiving. Hashem’s light shines through it and makes her spine exude compassionate light.

9. The last ה/heh of Hashem’s name illuminates the pelvis and legs of the person you have forgiven. The last ה/heh of Hashem’s name guides her every step.

10. You are finally able to forgive by seeing Hashem’s light through the person. Now it’s time to repair and rebuild the connection with the person you have forgiven. Envision yourself engaged in acts of repairing such as speaking kind words, simple gestures, or even gifts.

11. Have you learned new lessons about what forgiveness means to you? How does forgiveness not only benefit others but mainly yourself?

12. You may feel like verbally forgiving the person, even if you do not expect a kind response.  When you have integrated the meaning of true forgiveness, then the reaction of the one you have forgiven won’t really matter. What will matter is that you have found a way to let go and move on.

What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Parashat Miketz

What is the Difference Between Toxic Guilt and Remorse Necessary for Teshuva?

Can Guilt feelings be Harmful?

One of my EmunaHealing clients (let’s call her Pam) requested to work on her serious sins before she became Torah observant. Although she had fully regretted her past actions and hadn’t repeated them for decades, she was still haunted by them. Pam was unable to let go of her worry and fear about having angered Hashem so greatly. Her guilt feelings about her past misdeeds made her depressed and scared that she wouldn’t be forgiven without suffering. Pam is not alone among women afflicted by intrusive, guilty thoughts. Our generation is called the GAT (guilty all the time) generation, and almost half of us are kept awake at night by guilt. More than 96 percent of women feel guilty at least once a day, while for almost half are hit by guilt feelings up to four times a day. What is worse is that not only is excessive guilt unhelpful; it may actually be harmful and counteract changing the negative behavior. Rabbeinu Yonah writes that just as we must confess our sins, it is vital to put past sins out of our mind after we already have repented of them. Repeating confession of past sins is harmful because we are obligated to believe that our repentance is effective and cleanses us of our past failings. Continuing to feel guilty after proper repentance demonstrates a lack of belief in G-d and His goodness – in fulfilling His promise to fully forgive us (Sha’arei Teshuva 4:21). Correspondingly, scientific studies have proven that guilt can be toxic. It can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia. In EmunaHealing ‘guilt’ is one of the negative emotions that blocks us from fully absorbing Hashem’s light. Then why does it seem that Yosef’s brothers were overcome by feelings of guilt when Yosef accused them of being spies, put them in prison, and demanded that they bring Binyamin?

Can Guilt Feelings be Constructive?

ספר בראשית פרק מב פסוק כא 

וַיֹּאמְרוּ אִישׁ אֶל אָחִיו אֲבָל אֲשֵׁמִים אֲנַחְנוּ עַל אָחִינוּ אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ צָרַת נַפְשׁוֹ בְּהִתְחַנֲנוֹ אֵלֵינוּ וְלֹא שָׁמָעְנוּ עַל כֵּן בָּאָה אֵלֵינוּ הַצָּרָה הַזֹּאת: (כב) וַיַּעַן רְאוּבֵן אֹתָם לֵאמֹר הֲלוֹא אָמַרְתִּי אֲלֵיכֶם לֵאמֹר אַל תֶּחֶטְאוּ בַיֶּלֶד וְלֹא שְׁמַעְתֶּם וְגַם דָּמוֹ הִנֵּה נִדְרָשׁ:

“Then they said to one another, ‘Indeed, we are guilty regarding our brother, that we witnessed the distress of his soul when he begged us, and we did not listen. That is why this trouble has come upon us.’ And Reuven answered them, saying, ‘Didn't I tell you, saying, ‘Do not sin against the youth,’ but you did not listen? Behold, his blood, too, is being demanded!’” (Bereishit 42:21-22).

 IN THAT WE SAW THE DISTRESS OF HIS SOUL WHEN HE IMPLORED US - It is obvious that the brothers now realized that their cruelty towards Yosef was worse than the sale itself since it was their blood-brother who was imploring and fell before them, but they didn’t have compassion (Ramban, Bereishit 42:21). We learn from this story that when apparently undeserved troubles happen to a person, it is important to examine his past deeds to find out what sin, intentional or unintentional, could have caused G-d to bring this to his attention in such a manner so that he would repent his error (Radak, ibid.). Rabbeinu Bachaya praises the brothers for admitting their guilt saying, WE ARE GUILTY REGARDING OUR BROTHER - “It is the way of tzaddikim to confess their sins and accept the judgment upon themselves. Most people act upon the natural tendency to immediately blame the perpetrator for treating them seemingly unfairly. The brothers could have easily blamed the ‘Egyptian Superior’ for his unwarranted cruelty, rather than asking themselves, “why is Hashem letting this happen to me? What could I have done to deserve this?” Also, in EmunaHealing we help divert the attention – of the people we treat – away from the person who mistreated them, to redirect them to look inside themselves, asking their heart, “What can I learn from this painful happening?”

Why was the Brothers’ Guilt Constructive?
The brothers’ guilt feelings led them to true regret and a deeper level of teshuva not only for the sin of selling Yosef but also for a lack of compassion upon him, as Rambam teaches, teshuva pertains not only to actions but also for negative qualities and emotions (Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva 7:3). Yet, in my experience, many of us – especially women – suffer from excessive guilt feelings, which can become counterproductive when they lead us to feel unworthy. Such guilt can cause us to sink into a debilitating depression, disempowering us from rising to the challenge of implementing positive changes in our lives. While remorse of regret is the first step of teshuva, it is only required when it leads to a stronger commitment to change in the future. Otherwise, guilt often has the opposite effect and becomes harmful as the following example demonstrates. In a study of ‘victim impact panels’ used by courts to decrease drinking and driving, several speakers, who had either been seriously injured by an impaired driver or had a loved one who was seriously injured or killed by a drunk driver, shared how the calamity impacted their lives. Although the convicts reported feeling increased guilt and remorse about drinking and driving, no difference was found between those who received this intervention and those who did not. In fact, in some groups, having heard this presentation actually increased the chances that the participants would drive drunk! (Matis Shulman MD, Addiction Psychiatry Fellow at Columbia University Medical Center, Repentance Without Guilt). Differencing between toxic and constructive guilt boils down to adding the correct amount of spice to roast, which will enhance and bring out the flavor of the food rather than making it so spicy hot that it becomes unhealthy and indigestible. May we learn to reframe teshuva in a healthier and more productive way, where the goal is not guilt or self-flagellation, but rather assessment of past mistakes with a focus on self-improvement.

 EmunaHealing Exercise to Let go of Excessive Guilt
1. Sit in a relaxed position and close your eyes. Allow yourself to meditate in silence. Focus on your breath and set an intention to release excessive guilt.
2. Recall an incident in the recent past where you felt guilty. It may be a time when you raised your voice in an argument with a loved one, perhaps you were too judgmental and critical, or you feel guilty about overeating. Identify an instance where you experienced this feeling of guilt.
3. Envision the details about the incident that elicited your guilt feeling. Try to picture what actually happened as vividly as you can. You are not the event, argument, or guilt; you are merely witnessing what is happening from the perspective of your silent self.
4. Accept who you are and that what you did was meant to be. Then imagine how it would be possible to act differently in the future. Make a conscious decision to change your future response for the better.
5. Gradually allow your attention to enter your body. Become aware of the physical sensations that arise in your body because of the guilt feelings you’ve identified.
6. Let your attention pass through your body as you’re recalling this experience. Locate the sensations the memory brings up. Find where it is in your body you’re feeling and holding the guilt.
7. Now express that feeling. Place your hand on the part of your body where you sense that the feeling is located. Say it aloud: “It hurts here.” If you’re aware of more than one location for the pain, move your hand from place to place. At every location, pause for a moment and express what you’re feeling. Say, “It hurts here.”
8. Be aware that any painful feelings you experience are your feelings. These feelings are happening inside your body now as you remember the pain. While you’re remembering what happened, your body is reacting with muscle contractions and other responses within you.
9. You have a choice of how to interpret and respond to emotional turbulence. Recognizing this is taking responsibility for your feelings.
10. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you can also gain the power to make the pain and guilt melt away. You’re no longer blaming yourself or anyone else for having caused the pain, so you no longer need to depend on anyone else to make it go away. Hold that understanding in your consciousness for the next few moments.
11. Now prepare yourself to release the guilt. Place your attention on the part of your body where you’re holding the excessive guilt, and with every exhalation of your breath, have an intention of releasing that guilt. Just feel the painful sensation leaving your body with every breath. You may make an audible tone that resonates in that part of your body where the pain is localized to help loosen and lift the contraction away.
12. Keep in mind that no one can make you feel guilty. The real cause of your guilt was your own response. In your transformed state, you are now free. Imagine that you could speak to the person who was involved in the incident that made you feel guilty. What would you say to that person now? Share what happened without guilt, blame, or seeking approval. Whatever you say will be right for you.
13. Now you can celebrate your past painful guilt feelings as valuable steppingstones that brought you to a higher level of consciousness. What was previously a disconnected, destructive disabling guilt is now integrated and empowering for achieving your greater spiritual goal of teshuva. Instead of responding to the situation with a guilty consciousness, perpetuating the problem, you’ve turned it into an opportunity for spiritual transformation. That is something to celebrate! Go out for a nice dinner or buy yourself some flowers or a present to honor the new you!

How Can we Learn to Overcome the Damaging Quality of Jealousy?

Parashat Vayeshev

How Can we Learn to Overcome the Damaging Quality of Jealousy? 

How Could the Holy Tribes of Israel Succumb to the Negative Trait of Jealousy?
King Solomon, the wisest of all men wrote, “A sound heart is the life of the flesh, but envy is the rottenness of the bones” (Mishlei 14:30). An envious spirit can affect the health of a person’s brain, stomach, eyes, and heart. Jealousy is a negative character trait that many of us are struggling with. As teenagers, the pretty, popular girl in class that had it all, may have made us wonder if anyone ever would want to be a best friend. Or perhaps our sister’s FB posts get hundreds of likes whereas in order to get a handful of likes, we have to beg our friends. Besides affecting our health negatively, jealousy can also debilitate our relationships with others. Certified guided imagery therapist, Donna Fremon-Powell explains that emotions like anger, jealousy, hate, and resentment produce a chemical similar to arsenic. In other words, “Negative emotions are poisonous.” Realizing the damaging effect of jealousy on all levels, it is hard to believe that Yosef brothers – the holy tribes of Hashem – would succumb to such depravity. Rather than falling prey to the low, negative trait of jealousy, wouldn’t we expect the Children of Israel to work on themselves to eradicate any trace of petty envy? Furthermore, why would Ya’acov expose his favoritism of Yosef by giving him a distinguished cloak, and why would Yosef purposely provoke his brothers to become even more jealous, by telling them his dreams that alluded to his superiority over them?  

Yosef the Tzaddik – a Channel for Both Physical and Spiritual Sustenance

:ספר בראשית פרק לז פסוק ג: וְיִשְׂרָאֵל אָהַב אֶת יוֹסֵף מִכָּל בָּנָיו כִּי בֶן זְקֻנִים הוּא לוֹ וְעָשָׂה לוֹ כְּתֹנֶת פַּסִּים

(ד) וַיִּרְאוּ אֶחָיו כִּי אֹתוֹ אָהַב אֲבִיהֶם מִכָּל אֶחָיו וַיִּשְׂנְאוּ אֹתוֹ וְלֹא יָכְלוּ דַּבְּרוֹ לְשָׁלֹם:

“Israel loved Yosef more than all his sons, because he was a son of his old age; and he made him a fine striped coat. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him, and they could not speak with him peacefully” (Bereishit 37:3-4).

According to many holy books, the brothers hated Yosef specifically because they were jealous that their father loved him more than them. Netivot Shalom explains that Yosef in his capacity of “Tzaddik Yesod Olam” – “The Righteous foundation of the world” represents the sefirah of Yesod. Therefore, he has the power to bring down both physical and spiritual abundance to all of Israel, as long as they recognize him as the tzaddik and attach themselves to him. Ya’acov was aware of the righteousness of all his sons. He, therefore, didn’t expect them to become jealous, when he made it clear that Yosef was the tzaddik upon whom all their sustenance depended. Yosef too, illuminated this point to his brothers by telling them his dreams, so that they would attach themselves to him. The first dream about their sheaves bowing down to his indicates that Yosef is the one who brings down their physical sustenance. Yosef’s second dream about the stars bowing down to him alludes to spiritual sustenance, which is dependent on Yosef.

The ‘Jealousy’ of the Holy Tribes is Unlike the Jealousy of Common People

It was Hashem’s will that Yosef would go down to Egypt, in order to bring Ya’acov there in a respectful manner rather than bound by iron chains. Moreover, Yosef’s prior presence in Egypt would ensure the sustenance of Israel there. Yosef’s holiness and righteousness would shine through the husk of Egypt and pave the way for all the children of Israel to remain holy rather than assimilating, during their long servitude in decadent Egypt. For all these reasons, it was the Upper will that the brothers wouldn’t get the point of considering Yosef to be a tzaddik on a higher level than them. Due to the greatness of all the holy tribes, their ‘hatred’ and ‘jealousy’ is not to be understood in a regular way like the jealousy of common people. Rather, the brothers were indeed so holy that even their limbs didn’t depart from doing Hashem’s will to send Yosef to Egypt before they subsequently would become exiled there. Surely, when the brothers sold Yosef, their tears were flowing, but they couldn’t act differently. For it was Divinely intended so that Yosef would pave the way of righteousness and bring about their sustenance during the Egyptian exile (Netivot Shalom, Parashat Vayeshev pp. 245-246).

Don’t Let Yourself Go Astray After the Heart and Eyes of Jealousy!

Not everyone agrees with Netivot’s exoneration of the holy tribes. Although I very much resonate with his commentary, viewing the story from another perspective, it seems to me that the brothers’ jealousy was far from ideal. Hashem surely could have found more pleasant ways to ensure that Yosef, the Tzaddik, would descend to Egypt ahead of his family. Certainly, we regular people like you and me cannot trust that if we get jealous it’s an expression of the Upper will. There is only one kind of jealousy permitted and even encouraged in the Torah. That is קִנְאַת סוֹפְרִים/Kinat Sofrim, the kind of jealousy that spurs us to emulate the object of our jealousy and inspires us to grow in Torah and mitzvah observance (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Batra 21a). Any other kind of jealousy and envy is a poisonous emotion that has a negative effect on both body and soul. The social pain of jealousy is experienced in much the same way as physical pain. When a person is overcome by feelings of jealousy her amygdala together with other parts of the brain swing into high gear, explains neuroscientist Hidehiko Takahashi of Kyoto University. Jealousy also activates a fear reaction in the amygdala, triggering the fight-or-flight response that increases adrenaline production and causes a lack of appetite and nausea explains Frank John Ninivaggi, a psychiatrist at Yale’s Child Study Center. “You shall not wander after your hearts and after your eyes after which you are going astray” (Bamidbar 15:39). According to Jonathan Dvash, a neuroscientist at the University of Haifa, the sympathetic nervous system buckles under the stress of jealousy, quickening the heart and spiking blood pressure. Left unchecked over time, this could lead to hypertension and heart disease. Jealousy may also affect a person’s eyes when she constantly compares herself to others, finding herself staring down potential rivals.

EmunaHealing Exercise to Let go of Jealousy by Focusing on Your Personal Mission

1. Make yourself comfortable and pay attention to your breath. Allow yourself to breathe slowly and mindfully, inhale and exhale through your nose.

2. Focus on your special divine gifts and talents that you were born to share with the world. Envision yourself in the role of fulfilling your special dream to accomplish what you are meant to do on earth.

3. Imagine the steps you need to take to be successful in fulfilling your dream. It could be taking some courses, honing your skills by practicing on supporting people, or perhaps working on intermediate projects that will strengthen your ability to fulfill the more challenging tasks, you are meant to do.

4. Become aware of your authentic thoughts, feelings, and attitudes in the moment. Envision giving yourself permission to honestly express them – even if unpopular. Free yourself to let your own light shine.

5. וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ/V’ahavta l’reacha comocha – “Love your fellow like yourself…” (Vayikra 19:18). If you don’t love yourself, it’s impossible to love someone else. Visualize your own sweetness and allow your heart to be filled with love for yourself. 

6. Envision yourself engaged in activities that nourishes you. It could be nature hikes, painting, gardening, meditative movements, or any act of self-care that makes you too happy to entertain negative feelings for someone else.

7. Scan your social circle in your mind. How many of the people you spend time with are positive, life-affirming individuals who care to see you reach your fullest potential? How many are chronically unhappy, gossiping, haters? If you are surrounded by negative Nancy’s, it’s time to press the refresh button on your social circle.

8. Focus on all the things to be thankful for. It could be your ability to walk, learn and pray, your health your spouse if you have one, your home, and your access to healthy kosher food. Practicing gratitude makes it easier to focus on what you have, instead of what you don’t.

9. Let go of entitlement. As infants, we’re taught that the world revolves around us. While this lazy worldview works wonders as a baby, it can be disastrous as an adult. Breathe into the knowledge that no one is entitled to anything, everything is a gift! Envision yourself wanting something, being willing to sacrifice for it, and working hard to get it, rather than begrudging someone else who has it.

10. Stop comparing yourself to others. Why compare your insides to someone else’s outsides? On the outside, there will always be someone smarter, skinnier, richer, cuter, more spiritual, and more fabulous than you. But no one’s life is as perfect as it seems on the surface – or on Facebook.

11. Practice detachment. Imagine all the people, places, and things that you desire and are afraid to lose. Envision letting go of them one by one. Imagine moving through life freely, detached from the outcome of your actions, entirely at peace with Hashem’s will for you whatever it be.

12. Return to focusing on your inner self. Behind every jealous person is someone fundamentally angry at themselves for falling short of their own personal best. Allow yourself to get in touch with some of the deeper issues that may be weighing on your heart. By focusing on your spirit – the eternal part of you that transcends personality, your resumé, outer success, and failures – you’ll be less drawn to look outside for external, short-lived validation that will always fall short of satisfying the deepest yearnings of your soul.

Why Would Ya’acov Risk his Life for the Sake of Retrieving Little Jugs?

Parashat Vayislach

Why Would Ya’acov Risk his Life for the Sake of Retrieving Little Jugs?

Why do People go into Such Great Expense and Effort to Recycle?

Here in Bat Ayin, we are blessed with several recycling bins, so I have five different wastebaskets in my home: one for regular garbage, another for organic garbage that goes into the chicken coop, and a third bin for box/container garbage. This is in addition to the two bottles recycle bins for each plastic and glass. Oh, I forgot to mention that we also have a bin for bottles that are worth refund deposit in our local supermarket. Why would anyone go into such an earnest effort to recycle, when others, even the poor, just dump their 30-agurot-worth bottles in the general wastebasket? In addition to the importance of recycling and keeping the mitzvah of not wasting (Devarim 20:19), all material matters contain spiritual sparks that need to be elevated. Everything a person owns becomes part of her extended being, like a body to the body. Just as we have a mitzvah to take care of our body, so must we also treat our possessions with care, as part of our soul is invested in them. We learn this lesson from our Father Ya’acov. On his way to confront Esav, he was left alone, when he went back to retrieve some small flasks, which he had forgotten (Rashi, Bereishit 32:25). All the commentaries are puzzled about how Ya’acov would risk his life for the sake of retrieving some apparently worthless jugs. What was so special about these jugs for which Ya’acov endangered himself? And what principle of spiritual healing can we learn from this?   

Why are the Possessions of the Righteous Dearer to Them Than Their Bodies?

ספר בראשית פרק לב פסוק כה: וַיִּוָּתֵר יַעֲקֹב לְבַדּוֹ וַיֵּאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּׁחַר:

“Ya’acov was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn (Bereishit 32:25).

He had forgotten small bottles and returned for them (Rashi Ibid. based on Babylonian Talmud, Chulin 91a and Bereishit Rabbah 77:2). From the fact that Ya’acov returned for the small bottles, we learn that the possessions of the righteous are dearer to them than their bodies. But why would tzaddikim care so much about their possessions? It is because they do not stretch out their hands to partake of stolen property (Babylonian Talmud, Chulin 91a). Although the righteous must take care not to waste or lose possessions, why are “their possessions dearer to them than their own bodies?” Whenever a dear possession breaks, I remind myself that it is better to lose material possessions (dead things), rather than suffer health problems and physical injury. Then why would tzaddikim endanger their lives for seemingly worthless trifles? Doesn’t the mitzvah of pikuach nefesh (saving lives) override every other mitzvah? Perhaps we can explain that there is a difference between being careless and wasteful, and losing something without any negligence on our part. When I noticed that my diamond had fallen out of its setting, I knew that it was from G-d, and that it had no more sparks for me to elevate.

Why Would a Tzaddik be Tempted to Steal?

I’m still having a hard time digesting the Talmudic statement about the righteous being careful not to steal. Why would a righteous person be concerned about stealing? I can’t imagine a tzaddik as a masked bank robber, or even stealing a paperclip from a department store. We can understand why the righteous are incredibly careful not to disrespect their possessions since these items emanate from the upper Divine realm – from Hashem’s heavenly influence. This still doesn’t answer why possession would be even more important than our body. We may attempt to answer that whereas the body is vital only for this lifetime, the possessions that Hashem grants us also hold importance for future reincarnations. A friend told me that soon after her father’s passing, he came to her in a dream and asked her to pay a monetary debt he incurred to a certain person. The following day that person passed by, and my friend was able to carry out her father’s bidding. This way she spared her father from returning in another reincarnation, just to pay back his debt. This story may also shed light on the connection between being careful with our possession and avoiding stealing. We all receive a certain amount of divine heavenly influence dished out exactly in accordance with our mission on earth. Encoded within our portion in life is our assignment of how to use it righteously. Since we are obligated to donate 10% tithes of our income, if we are wasteful with our G-d-given resources, we may become short of giving to every cause with which we are charged. Or perhaps, if we neglect to take care of our belongings, we will need more resources to replace lost and damaged objects and subsequently have less to share. This may cause some people to be unable to repay a debt. Examples like these could be considered theft for a righteous person.

The Spiritual Value of Receiving an Item Used by a Tzaddik

Since material possessions are known to be infused with spiritual sparks, it is possible that failure to elevate all the sparks from our possession could be considered spiritual theft. Thus, the Ben Yehoyada commentary on Talmud Chulin 91a explains that from the letters מנצפ"ך [which also have ending letters] the mem, nun and tzaddi were rectified, yet the letters peh and chaf remained. Therefore, Ya’acov returned for the פַּכִּין קְטַנִּים/pachim ketanim – “the small jugs” fashioned from the פ/pei and the כ/chaf which Ya’acov was to rectify. Moreover, the Chatam Sofer explains that Ya’acov is a man of אֱמֶת/emet – ‘truth,’ yet he needed the פַּךְ/pach – ‘jug’ in order to become יִשְׂרָאֵל/Yisrael, as the numerical value of the word אֱמֶת/emet = 441+ פַּךְ/pach = 100 equals the word יִשְׂרָאֵל/Yisrael = 541 (Torat Moshe, Bereishit 32:25). Since tzaddikim can elevate the sparks of their possessions, we can understand the many stories about the greatness of inheriting an item used by a holy person. One simple person in the Talmud was questioned about where he gained his unexpected wisdom. He answered, “Rabbi Meir’s walking stick was in my hand, and it teaches me knowledge” (Yeushalmi Talmud, Nedarim, Chapter 9, Halacha 1). Some people are making a lot of money from such items. I just saw on the net that a sacred wand used by the Baba Sali during Study and Prayer Was sold for $24,800!

The Holy Reincarnations of the Jug of Oil that Ya’acov Retrieved

The jug for which Ya’acov risked his life was none other than the one containing the oil that Noach had pressed from the very first olives in the renewed world. When Ya’acov woke up [from the dream of the ladder], he found the jar of oil near the rock under his head. “He took the rock that he had placed at his head, and he set it up as a monument, and poured oil on top of it” (Bereishit 28:18). When the jug refilled itself, Ya’acov realized that it was prepared for a higher purpose. With this jug of oil, the mishkan, its altar and all its vessels were anointed. It also anointed Aharon, his sons, and all the kings, while its oil still remained. This is the cruise of oil about which Eliyahu said to the Tzarfit woman, “…the flask of oil will not be diminished” (I Melachim 17:10-16). This same oil also miraculously continued to flow for the wife of Ovadia the prophet (II Melachim 4:1-7). When Ya’acov saw all the future miracles that that were to be associated with this jug, it prompted him to risk his life to retrieve it (Yalkut Reuveini on the Torah, Parashat Vayislach). This is the jug of pure olive oil that the Maccabees found in the Temple, which burned miraculously in the menorah for eight days (Megaleh Amukot on Va’etchanan 66). This flask had passed through the hands of all Seven Shepherds of Israel until David received it. When he laid the foundation for the Temple, David hid the flask with prophetic insight, seeing that it would be needed during the time of Chanukah. Since it had absorbed each of Israel’s seven approaches to divine service, it was particularly fitting for lighting the seven branches of the menorah (The Imrei Noam, Rabbi Meir Horowitz of Dzikow (1819–1877). Needless to say, the jug of oil that Ya’acov retrieved was no ordinary jug.

EmunaHealing Exercise to Get in Touch with Spiritual Sparks Infused in the Material

1. Bring one of your precious possessions close to you. It may be a piece of jewelry that you are already wearing or that you will wear now for the spiritual healing exercise.

2. Make yourself comfortable and breathe deeply. Inhale through your nose, and exhale slowly through your mouth, until you experience inner stillness, and a feeling of peace surrounds you.

3. Without opening your eyes, envision your precious possession and breathe in its energy.  Is it calming or invigorating? Is it challenging or supportive? Allow yourself to tap into the spiritual energy field of your piece of possession.

4. Tune into how you acquired this item. If you bought it yourself, recall the hard work you invested in earning the money for its purchase.

5. Perhaps it was a gift from a dear person. Visualize the person who gave it to you and your relationship with him or her. Which feelings did this gift elicit within you?

6. What sentimental value do you attribute to your favored item? Why is it so valued by you?

7. Touch the outline of your precious possession. Is it great or small? How does it feel? Is it smooth or does it have sharp edges?

8. Why did you receive or purchase this favored item? Why do you need it and why was it destined to belong to you?

9. If your favored item could speak to you, what would it say? Open your deeper perception to hear how it would answer the question above.

10. Allow yourself to feel grateful to Hashem for your possession, knowing how it is imbued with spiritual sparks specifically designed for your benefit, to elevate and be elevated by.

11. Give your favored item a hug, and let it go in your mind’s eye, as you relinquish obsessive ownership. Open your eyes and return to the reality around you.