Parashat Acharei Mot-Kedoshim: What are the Conditions for Remaining in the Holy Land and Enjoying Its Blessings?

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Parashat Acharei Mot-Kedoshim
What are the Conditions for Remaining in the Holy Land and Enjoying Its Blessings?

How does Secular Life Contrast with Living Holy Lives in the Holy Land?

In secular Denmark, where I grew up, the expression “to be holy” was often used derogatorily, implying someone arrogant, aloof, or antisocial. In truth, the Hebrew word קָדוֹשׁ/kadosh – holy – does indeed mean “to be separate.” It is first used in the Torah in connection with Shabbat: “Then G-d blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because on that day He rested from all the work of creation that He had accomplished” (Bereishit 2:3). Shabbat was singled out and set apart from the six days of work. That’s why, during the Havdalah ceremony at the close of Shabbat, we declare how Hashem “separates the sacred from the secular, light from darkness, Israel from the nations, and the seventh day from the six days of creation.” Life is created through separation. Cells divide and differentiate to create and sustain life. Likewise, the Creator in His creating the world separated light from darkness, land from sea, woman from man, and Israel from the nations.

In contrast, the primeval state before creation was one of chaos and formlessness: “In the beginning, the earth was unformed and void, and darkness covered the face of the deep” (Bereishit 1:2). This was precisely the state I experienced during my teenage years among my hippy-dippy circle of friends – men and women, Jews and non-Jews, all blended together in one blurry mishmash. There were no boundaries. Everything was “allowed.” Even the language we used, like the all-inclusive word “guys,” erased distinctions. Although trendy, that confusing culture of blurring differences reflected a pagan yearning to return to chaos – to the formless void of pre-creation.

Parashat Kedoshim instructs us: “You shall be holy for Me, for I Hashem am holy; and I have separated you from the peoples to be Mine” (Vayikra 20:26). But what does it mean to be holy? How can we integrate holiness into our lives, and how does the mitzvah to be holy take on unique meaning in the Land of Israel?

Why Would a Person Refraining from Abhorrence be Considered Holy?

Maharal explains that holiness is essentially transcendent (Tiferet Yisrael 37). This is reflected in Parashat Acharei Mot which opens with the warning to the Israelites to separate from the pervert practices of the surrounding nations: “Like the practice of the land of Egypt, in which you dwelled, you shall not do, and like the practice of the land of Canaan, to which I am bringing you, you shall not do, and you shall not follow their statutes” (Vayikra 18:3). The continuation of chapter 18, enumerating all the sexual prohibitions, teaches that holiness entails separating ourselves from the immoral sexuality in which these nations engaged: “You shall not defile yourselves by any of these things, for the nations, whom I am sending away from before you, have defiled themselves with all these things” (Vayikra 18:24).

In Parashat Acharei Mot, the sinner is portrayed as an offensive pervert, whereas in Parashat Kedoshim the person who refrains from sinning is considered holy. It describes someone who keeps seemingly simple mitzvot – honoring parents, refraining from stealing, lying, or cheating – the kinds of basic moral expectations that even secular society upholds.

Yet the Torah considers the person who fulfills these basic commandments, which seem far from transcendent, as holy. The very same behaviors that Parashat Acharei Mot condemns as abhorrent are reframed in Parashat Kedoshim: not only must we avoid them, but doing so is itself a spiritual achievement, worthy of sanctity. In contrast, in Parashat Acharei Mot, engaging in these acts is viewed as utterly impure and repugnant – the very behaviors that the Land cannot tolerate, and it vomits out anyone who commits them.

Between the Earthly Exile Perspective and the Heavenly Land-of-Israel Perspective

Rabbi Adin Even-Israel (Steinsaltz) explains that the repetition of the section on forbidden sexual relationships in our double parasha conveys two different vantage points, respectively, regarding refraining from sin. Parshot Acharei Mot presents the heavenly view, which asks how it is possible to sink so low, whereas Parashat Kedoshim present the earthly view, which says that although corporal punishment and other severe penalties still apply here, still, one who guards himself against all these abominations is considered “Keep yourselves holy, and you will be holy.” (Vayikra 20:7). Parshat Acharei Mot speaks to us when we are on a truly high level, in that state there are things so unthinkable that we would never even consider committing them. But if we fall to a low level, withstanding the temptation to sin renders us holy (Saintly or Simple? An Essay on Parshat Kedoshim).

Thinking back on my teenage years, when it was unheard of to honor parents, stand up for a venerable person, or even desist from sexual immorality, anyone who would refrain from perversity can be considered a saint. Yet after I settled in the Holy Land as a Ba’alat Teshuva (returnee to Judaism), it was a completely different story. Here in the Holy Land, so much more is expected of us to be worthy of her holiness. The Land of Israel will not tolerate those who deviate even in the slightest way from living in a monogamous husband and wife relationship, as it states:

ספר ויקרא פרק יח פסוק כה וַתִּטְמָא הָאָרֶץ וָאֶפְקֹד עֲוֹנָהּ עָלֶיהָ וַתָּקִא הָאָרֶץ אֶת ישְׁבֶיהָ:

(כו) וּשְׁמַרְתֶּם אַתֶּם אֶת חֻקֹּתַי וְאֶת מִשְׁפָּטַי וְלֹא תַעֲשׂוּ מִכֹּל הַתּוֹעֵבֹת הָאֵלֶּה הָאֶזְרָח וְהַגֵּר הַגָּר בְּתוֹכֲכֶם:
(כז) כִּי אֶת כָּל הַתּוֹעֵבֹת הָאֵל עָשׂוּ אַנְשֵׁי הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר לִפְנֵיכֶם וַתִּטְמָא הָאָרֶץ:
(כח) וְלֹא תָקִיא הָאָרֶץ אֶתְכֶם בְּטַמַּאֲכֶם אֹתָהּ כַּאֲשֶׁר קָאָה אֶת הַגּוֹי אֲשֶׁר לִפְנֵיכֶם:

“Then the land became defiled, and I visited its sin upon it, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But as for you, you shall observe My statutes and My ordinances, and you shall not do like any of these abominations, neither the native, nor the stranger who sojourns among you. For the people of the land who preceded you, did all of these abominations, and the land became defiled. And let the land not vomit you out for having defiled it, as it vomited out the nation that preceded you” (Vayikra 18:25-28).

Is the Land a Person that can Vomit Out Unfit People?

In our double parasha, the Land of Israel is strikingly personified. Just as a person may experience stomach upset after consuming something unfit and find relief by vomiting it out, so too does the land react to being defiled by “spitting out” those who defile it. But this defilement has little to do with human interaction with the soil itself and everything to do with moral corruption. The land becomes impure when its inhabitants behave immorally, and it responds by expelling them. The Israelites’ ability to enjoy “a land flowing with milk and honey” as they inherit it from the Canaanites is conditional upon upholding the laws of the Torah. If they fall into the same depraved practices – idolatry and sexual immorality – they too will be driven out, just like those who came before them.

Why are Higher Moral Standards Required in the Land of Israel?

As the Ramban famously explains, the mitzvot were primarily given to be fulfilled in Eretz Yisrael, where Hashem’s presence dwells more fully. Here, the Shechinah is not distant or hidden but present and active, making the land especially sensitive to impurity and responsive to holiness.

Eretz Yisrael is imbued with intrinsic sanctity due to its direct Divine supervision. While all lands are ultimately under Hashem’s providence, outside of Israel, this supervision is carried out through His divine messengers – angels. In contrast, the Land of Israel is under Hashem’s direct providence. Connecting with Hashem through keeping the laws of the Torah is best fulfilled in the land that is most attuned to that relationship, as the potential for experiencing G-d’s presence is heightened in the land. Consequently, moral failures are less tolerated here in Israel than elsewhere. Although the immorality of nations throughout the rest of the world does not necessarily lead to their exile from their land, this is not so in the Land of Israel. Here, the nation that fails to live up to the Torah’s higher demands for ethical and holy living is driven out (Ramban, Vayikra 18:25).

The inherent holiness of Eretz Yisrael is precisely what demands our heightened moral sensitivity. Its sanctity is a dynamic property that responds to our ethical choices. It offers the opportunity to experience G-d in a way that is more immediate and real than anywhere else – but that opportunity is not a guaranteed privilege. It is the sacred responsibility of those who dwell in the land (Inspired by Rav Michael Hattin, Acharei-Mot - Kedoshim | The Sanctity of the Land). 

What are the Parameters for the Dedication to the Land Required in Eretz Yisrael?

The root of the word kadosh (ק-ד-ש) also implies readiness and designation. Just as a bride becomes mekudeshet – consecrated – through marriage commitment, so too do we become holy by designating our time, space, and energy for Hashem.  In this light, holiness is not only about separating from impurity, but also about dedicating ourselves to clarity, intention, and sacred purpose.  Nowhere is this designation more relevant than in the Land of Israel, where both the land and its people are set apart – not merely to be different, but to be devoted. In Eretz Yisrael, the call to holiness is not theoretical; it is carved into the stones and soil, calling us to align our lives with Hashem’s presence.
In the Holy Land, even ordinary actions take on extraordinary meaning. In the Holy Land, even the most ordinary actions take on extraordinary significance. Planting a tree, harvesting a field, or eating its produce all involve mitzvot that fuse the physical with the spiritual. Living in Eretz Yisrael is a continuous encounter with the Divine. The laws of the Torah are not confined to behavior alone – they are engraved into the landscape of the environment surrounding us. The more we sanctify our lives, the more the land responds with blessing.
To be holy, then, is to live in covenantal awareness – to recognize that every moment and detail of life is an invitation to draw closer to Hashem. In Eretz Yisrael, this awareness is not optional. It is the very condition for remaining here, as the Torah reminds us: “You shall keep all My statutes and ordinances, so that the Land does not vomit you out…” (Vayikra 20:22).

How Can We Not Appreciate Belonging to a People Imbued with Laws of Morality?

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Parashat Acharei Mot 
How Can We Not Appreciate Belonging to a People Imbued with Laws of Morality?  

Why Would I be Thankful for Having Grown Up with Immodesty?

I am grateful that I grew up in a sexually permissive and perverted society. Denmark has traditionally been characterized as progressive and liberal in terms of attitudes regarding sexuality. Denmark boasts a liberal stance on public nudity, rooted in its longstanding tradition of promoting individual freedom. Unlike many countries where public nudity might be confined strictly to designated areas, in Denmark, it’s generally legal to be nude on most public beaches. This means no one needs to find a specific ‘nudist’ or ‘naturist’ beach to sunbathe or swim without clothing. In addition, certain areas are specially designated for naturists, to provide a sense of community for those looking to engage with fellow naturists.You may wonder why, in the world, I would be happy, let alone grateful, for my exposure to such blatant immodesty. You did read right, I AM thankful for having experienced such decadence, which has heightened my awareness of the importance of modesty. Maharal teaches that a matter develops through its opposite. Therefore, at the beginning of our nationhood, Hashem brought us to live specifically within the two most perverse nations:Egypt and Canaan. In contrast to the degree of their sexual depravity, the Israelites would turn out all the more refined and chaste. (Gevurat Hashem Chapter 4). So, I’m thankful for having experienced such darkness that aroused within me the greatest desire for light. While I used to believe the naturists’ claim to be free to be themselves without inhibitions, when I embraced the Torah lifestyle it became clear that being a naturist and allowing oneself to follow nature’s call without inhibitions is no different from acting the way of the natural animals. Hashem imbued humans with the ability to overcome our natural instincts including various sexual urges, as Pirkei Avot 4:1 teaches, Who is mighty? He who subdues his [natural] inclination, as it states, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that rules his spirit than he that captures a city” (Mishlei 16:32).

 Why am I Proud to no Longer be a Danish Citizen?

At the end of Parashat Acharei Mot Hashem warns the Israelites to distance themselves from the immoral practices of Egypt and Canaan:

ספר ויקרא פרק יח פסוק ב דַּבֵּר אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל וְאָמַרְתָּ אֲלֵהֶם אֲנִי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵיכֶם: (ג) כְּמַעֲשֵׂה אֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם אֲשֶׁר יְשַׁבְתֶּם בָּהּ לֹא תַעֲשׂוּ וּכְמַעֲשֵׂה אֶרֶץ כְּנַעַן אֲשֶׁר אֲנִי מֵבִיא אֶתְכֶם שָׁמָּה לֹא תַעֲשׂוּ וּבְחֻקֹּתֵיהֶם לֹא תֵלֵכוּ: 

(ד) אֶת מִשְׁפָּטַי תַּעֲשׂוּ וְאֶת חֻקֹּתַי תִּשְׁמְרוּ לָלֶכֶת בָּהֶם אֲנִי הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵיכֶם:

“Speak to the people of Israel, and say to them, I am Hashem your G-d. Do not behave like the people of the land of Egypt where you dwelt, and do not do, like the deeds of the land of Canaan. You shall fulfill My laws and observe My statutes, to follow them. I am Hashem, your G-d” (Vayikra 18:2-4).

 

This verse informs us that the deeds of the Egyptians and the Canaanites were more corrupt than those of all other nations and that the Egyptians residing in that region where the Israelites had dwelt, were the most corrupt of all. The same verse also informs us that those Canaanite peoples that the Israelites conquered, were more corrupt than any other people (Rashi, Vayikra 18:3) based on Torat Kohanim 18:138).

                                                                                                                                                                      

Why does our paragraph state twice, “I am Hashem your G-d?” The Midrash explains: “I am G-d – twice – I am the one who punished the generation of the flood, Sodom and Egypt. I will in the future punish those who act like them” (Vayikra Rabbah 23:9). According to Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 26:5, “The generation of the flood were not eradicated from this world until they had established marriage contracts between two men and between man and beast.” The commentary of Mararzo explains, “They erred in their defective minds and thought that since they were created with powerful lusts, they were obliged to follow their desires in whatever direction it would take them… Thus, they established marriage contracts between two men, and their judges legitimized them.” The fact that Denmark was the first country in the world to legally recognize same-sex partnerships is commonly referred to as indicative of its ‘progressive’ and ‘liberal’ attitudes regarding sexuality. Surveys also show that the approval of homosexuality has increased significantly in the last three decades. Yet, according to the teachings of our Sages, this kind of progressivity and liberality is no other than the immorality that brought about the destruction of the world during the Flood. So, even if I must wait in longer lines at airport security when I visit my mom and sister, I’m proud that I’m no longer a Danish citizen. 
 

Reversing Immorality Through Modesty

“Separate yourselves from sexual immorality and sin, for wherever we find a barrier against sexual immorality, we find holiness (Rashi, Vayikra 19:1). Pardes Yosef instructs us, “If you don’t know how to behave, look at the practices of Egypt and Canaan and do the opposite.”Having been rebellious from early childhood, I’m in the good company of Miriam the Prophetess, whose name derives from the word מֶרִי/meri ‘rebellion.’ Today there is no lack of decadent countries – from where many of us originate – whose practices we can reverse. I’m grateful that I have learned from my country of origin to be a staunch advocate of modesty, through kabbalistic lenses. I teach my students that we cover our bodies to reveal the light of our souls. The more holiness, the more covering is required (Rav Eliyahu Kitov, Ish U’Beito). Just as in the Synagogue the most sacred Torah scrolls are not only concealed within a wooden ark but moreover enveloped in a beautiful velvet embroidered cover, so does the holiness of the Jewish woman require her to cover most of her body. Sexuality specifically between husband and wife (as opposed to two husbands or two wives) is likewise sacred. In the Holy of Holies of the Temple, where only the Kohen Gadol could enter once a year, the two Keruvim – cherubs, male and female – embraced and engaged in intimacy manifestingthe holiness of marital relations that reflect Israel’s relationship with Hashem. Likewise, the Holy of Holies is referred to as Cheder Hamitot or ‘bedroom chamber’ (Rashi, II Melachim 11:2). This highlights the metaphoric relationship between Gd and His people as that of bride and groom by referring to the Holy of Holies as the master bedroom!

 

The Light of Israel Emerges from the Darkest Darkness 

Surprisingly, the nation of Canaan became the most corrupt specifically because they dwelled in the Land of Israel. The reason for that seems to be that the Sitra Achra (side of impurity)desires to cleave to kedusha to nurse from it. Therefore, the Sitra Acha attaches itself specifically to the place where Israel dwells. Since it is unable to attach itself to Israel at all, due to our holiness, it cleaves to the nations amid whom Israel dwells. These nations learn a few mitzvot and good deeds from Israel through which they require a tinge of holiness. Then the Sitra Achra dwells upon these nations, and through this they become the most corrupt in the world (Pardes Yosef, Vayikra 18:3). This explains why Israel dwells amid the evilestnations in the world like a lamb among wolves. From Bat Ayin we can hear their many prayers through the broadcastings of their minarets. This testifies to how they have a few mitzvot learned from Israel such as praying to Allah the uppermost only G-d. Through this, they attract the forces of impurity that entice these nations to become the most evil of all – the real obstacle to peace. The eyes of Mosab Hassan Yousef, the son of Hamas founder Sheikh Hassan Yousef, were opened to the darkness in which he was raised, and of all people, he began working for the Mossad and saved thousands of Jewish lives. Through the October 7th atrocities, our national Jewish Neshama has been revived, as Maharal taught us, “A matter arises through its opposite.” This principle is reflected by the beautiful emunah-filled finalwords of Israel’s assumedly secular Eurovision entry, “We don’t need big words, only tefilot, even if it’s hard to see, You always leave me a small light!” 

          Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Acharei Mot –

Some Tips for How to Strengthen Gratitude for Modesty

  Modesty is moderating exposing and expressing your endowments. Modesty is humble and empathic rather than flashing and flaunting. Unfortunately, we live in a world of exhibitionism where showing off has become a necessary part and parcel of most people’s daily lives. Yet, thankfulness is manifested in the state of self-transcendence. It is an awareness that inspires us to pursue our daily life experiences with expressions of contentment, modesty, appreciation, and joyfulness.

• Accept Hardships as Opportunities for Growth – I truly believe that someone who wants to find the truth will find it. By Hashem’s providence, every hardship we must undergo is placed before us for a reason. They helped me realize that I needed to change, and I am thankful for the time and opportunity to learn to strengthen my modesty Keep Learning Torah – The world (now more than ever) is telling us to wear short shorts and rock the swimsuit. The body positivity movement has completely taken the fashion industry by storm and is telling us that showing skin equals confidence and beauty. But truly, Torah-modesty standards tell us the opposite! Through Torah study we learn to be humbly adorned, and that our beauty will shine through our actions. It doesn’t mean we can’t feel good in our own skin, but I’m thankful that I don’t need to show everything off to feel so! 

• Ask for Help from an Accountability Partner – Whether this is a spouse, a parent, or a good friend, having someone you trust check your outfit before you leave the house is wise. If they say what you don’t want to hear, let it be a lesson learned, and be grateful for their truth rather than holding a grudge against them for telling you what you asked them.

• Set Modesty Boundaries – This takes some training and sometimes re-programming of the brain. If a garment is snug on top or falls short, leave it out. Ask yourself whether you would feel it was appropriate if an attractive woman wore this in front of your husband. Be thankful for the ability to take responsibility to do your part in not causing others to stumble. 

• Turn Inward in Prayer – Through crying out to Hashem in heartfelt prayer, you can learn to turn inward and discover the hidden light in the world and in your soul.   

True Forgiveness is a Prerequisite to Becoming Holy

 

Parashat Acharei Mot/Kedoshim
True Forgiveness is a Prerequisite to Becoming Holy

True Forgiveness is a Prerequisite to Becoming Holy
When I became a Ba’alat Teshuva in 1980, I found it easy to take on the external mitzvot such as covering my elbows and knees, keeping kosher, and even keeping all the laws of separation from the other sex. I found it much more difficult to actualize the internal mitzvot such as serving Hashem with joy, being happy on the holidays, and feeling love for those people whose energy irritated me. Most difficult is the mitzvah to remove grudges by totally forgiving others for the deep hurts they may have caused us. As known, the resistance of ‘the other side’ is always in proportion to the holiness involved. Therefore, it seems that precisely the most challenging mitzvot, are the most essential.  Based on this principle, I believe that the internal mitzvot are most vital, and especially the mitzvah of not bearing a grudge. Having negative feelings, remembering someone did something to us that we hold in our heart, is unhealthy and can cause us to focus solely on the negative. It has been scientifically proven that taking revenge or harboring grudges is destructive not only to victims but also to the perpetrators. People who are more prone to holding grudges tend to be sicker than their peaceful peers. The mitzvah not to bear a grudge is written in Parashat Kedoshim, which means “Holy.” This parasha opens with “…You shall be holy because I am holy” (Vayikra 19:2). If we strive to be truly holy, we must rid ourselves of even the tiniest tinge of grudge towards anyone. Thus, for me, removing any vendetta from our hearts, to truly love, is the most important principle in the Torah. As Rabbi Akiva teaches, “The greatest principle in the Torah is to ‘Love your fellow as yourself’” (Vayikra 19:18); (Bereishit Rabbah 24:7). This implies that feeling positively toward someone else and to care for that person we must also care for ourselves.  But how will we be able to truly love others as well as ourselves without letting go of old grudges and resentments?

The Mitzvah of Love and Forgiveness Starts with Ourselves
One of the many interpersonal mitzvot in Parashat Kedoshim is the mitzvah to love others feel like we supposedly love ourselves:

ספר ויקרא פרק יט פסוק יז-יח לֹא תִשְׂנָא אֶת אָחִיךָ בִּלְבָבֶךָ הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא:

לֹא תִקֹּם וְלֹא תִטֹּר אֶת בְּנֵי עַמֶּךָ וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ אֲנִי הָשֵׁם:

“You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your fellow Jew, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your fellow Jew as yourself: I am Hashem” (Vayikra 19:17-18).

To truly love we must let go of all grudges not just against others but primarily against ourselves. People who understand the necessity of taking responsibility for their choices and actions are always harder on themselves than on anyone else. We often hold ourselves accountable to a much higher standard. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become damaging when we are unable to forgive ourselves. When we work on forgiveness, self-forgiveness is the starting point. We cannot give to others what we do not have ourselves. How can we give love if we harbor self-hate? How can we forgive others if we haven’t forgiven ourselves? When we forgive, it is not about validating the act, but about letting go of the power that act has in our lives. This is particularly important when it is our own actions that we must forgive. I find that women who had critical mothers have a harder time with self-love and being able to forgive themselves.

Eight Steps to Complete Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not always a neat or linear experience. It is more like peeling an onion. The following steps can help you peel back new layers of the onion. Each step can help you experience deeper levels of divine compassion and healing. As time passes, you may find that additional layers with new emotions surface. You can then repeat the steps, and it may also be helpful to share your feelings with a soul friend and continue the process of forgiveness with an EmunaHealer.

1. Accept Your Pain by Looking for G-d within Every Painful Experience
Blaming others is an ingrained instinct carried over by Adam and Eve in the Garden. Rather than becoming upset when someone wrongs us, we can practice looking inwards and gain valuable lessons from the pain or irritation we endured. There is a deeper reason why this thing was done against you, which you may or may not be aware of. Look for the benefits of the interpersonal transgressions you have experienced. Accept that in whatever way you have been hurt by others, it was meant to be, as a wake-up call and a lesson to learn from. It may also be a cleansing and subsequent atonement for something you have done in this reincarnation or in prior incarnations.

2. Emulate Hashem’s Tolerance and Forgiveness
“Who is a G-d like You, who pardons iniquity, and forgives the transgression of the remnant of His heritage?... (Michah 7:18). Just as you desire Hashem’s forgiveness, so must you grant it to others. Receiving Hashem’s forgiveness helps you to forgive others, and extending forgiveness to others helps you to ask for the forgiveness that you need. A simple prayer begins the journey.

3. Sooth Yourself and Acknowledge Your Hurt
Usually, when you’re upset or aggravated you feel hurt, loss, disrespect, or rejection. By self-soothing, we can control some of the anger and fear and lessen any subsequent unforgiveness. Self-soothing includes listening to our own pain, acknowledging the hardship we experience, and sending self-love and compassion to our hurt feelings. Years ago, I was upset with an old neighbor (no longer my neighbor) who kept dumping garbage in our garden. If I repressed my feelings, it would make me depressed and cause me to accumulate resentment. If I’d make an irritated remark, I’d offend her and feel worse myself. Instead, I listened to my emotions and kindly acknowledged them. When I was able to pray, I deeply realized that the offense was quite unintentional and certainly not targeted against me. Then I was able to speak lovingly without any hint of irritation and kindly request of the neighbor to make more effort to ensure that none of their garbage would end up on our plot.

4.  Set Boundaries
If you reflect on your past and present relationships, perhaps you will find a pattern of repeated mistreatment in similar ways. You may have a blind spot or a way that you’re inadvertently enabling others to disrespect or hurt you. It’s important to set wise boundaries on your expectations and interactions with others. Sometimes you need to keep your distance, say no, or hold back your vulnerable emotions and needs. True reconciliation depends on both sides acting with honest and responsible love for one another without compromising their own basic emotional needs.

5.  Relieve Your heart to Hashem and to Mentor
For your emotional healing and to gain the insight and strength you need to forgive, it’s important to find someone safe to verbalize your pain with, as it states, “If there is anxiety in a man’s mind let him speak of it” (Mishlei 12:25). Don’t forget to speak with Hashem in hitbodedut specifying to Him all the details of your pain. This will bring you the greatest relief. I have made it my practice to recite the forgiveness prayer, which is part of the bedtime prayer, to avoid going to sleep without first having done my best to forgive everyone.

6.  Lessen the Injustice Gap and Entrust the Negative Behavior into Hashem’s Hand
It’s important to view the scenario from a different and more positive perspective and lower your expectations about the ideal outcome. Your EmunaHealer may facilitate this and suggest what might be working, even to a small degree, trying to magnify that positive perspective. Ultimately, forgiveness means letting G-d be the true judge to handle what you have gone through with the other person. Praying certain Tehillim that describe dealing with enemies can help you to feel your emotions, share with G-d, and leave justice in His hands (see Tehillim 10:15, 18:6-15, 31:17, 35:1-28, 54:5, 56:5-7, 58:6-8, 69:19-28, 70:13).

7. Open your Heart to Find Sympathy and Pray for Your Offender
Whenever possible try giving the benefit of the doubt and empathize with your offender. Sometimes this is simply impossible, particularly in the case of unexpected betrayals or heinous harm. A realistic goal in such cases is to simply cultivate sympathy. Your EmunaHealer can facilitate you to search for reasons and ways in which you can feel sorry for the person who inflicted the harm. You can practice thinking of what kind of help the offender might be given and what nice things people could do to help this person. Although not easy, this way we can learn to feel even the smallest amount of compassion toward the transgressor (Worthington & Scherer, 2004). Whenever you feel hurt or upset with anyone, practice blessing and praying for her. At first, it may be hard, but eventually, this practice softens the heart and helps us to forgive.

8. Repent for your Own Tinge of your offender's Sin
The Ba’al Shem Tov teaches that if it happened that you saw, heard, or experienced someone else’s wrong, understand that you yourself have a tinge of that same failing. Hashem makes you experience the offense to motivate you to rectify yourself completely. When you realize that the main reason you came to witness the misdeed, is to rectify it by removing yourself completely from this kind of behavior. Since all of Israel is considered as one person, when you repent you will include the offender within yourself by means of this unity. Thus, the offender will be transformed to repent as well, and you will achieve the character trait of “seek peace and pursue it” (Tehillim 13:15); (Based on Toldot Ya’acov Yosef, Parashat Lech Lecha).

Three Tools for the EmunaHealer to Facilitate Forgiveness

1. Emotional Replacement
The EmunaHealer can facilitate the person in treatment to replace negative unforgiving emotions gradually with positive other-oriented emotions by experiencing other self-forgetful positive emotions. This emotional replacement can be facilitated by helping the person in treatment give an altruistically motivated gift of forgiveness. We can use a memory described by the victim to motivate altruism through humility in realizing that she too has offended. This leads to the feeling of gratitude for having been forgiven. We can instill hope in the victim that when we do something good for others, even those who have hurt us, we will be blessed in return. When it is difficult for the person we treat to reflect on her past and recall times when she offended another but was forgiven, the EmunaHealer can give prompts such as: Think of whether you offended a parent, teacher, romantic partner, friend, or coworker. Usually, with these prompts, people can recall many experiences where they wronged someone and were forgiven (Worthington & Scherer, 2004).

2. Empty Chair Technique
One of the most effective ways to help a person in treatment experience empathy is to use the empty-chair technique. The person victim imagines sitting across from the offender, who is imagined to be sitting in an empty chair. The victim describes her complaint as if the offender were there. She then moves to the empty chair and responds from the point of view of the offender. The conversation proceeds with the person in treatment moving back and forth between chairs. The objective is to allow the person to express both sides of the conversation personally, and thus experience empathy. In doing so, the person might imagine an apology or at least an acknowledgment of the hurt that was inflicted.

3. Naikan Therapy
Naikan therapy is a Japanese practice of self-reflection relatively unknown in the Western world. It focuses on three questions:
What have you received?
What have you returned?
What trouble have you caused?
According to this therapy, we first focus on the person’s relationship with the mother and from there we expand outwards to other relationships. A simplified form of Naikan therapy involves asking the participants to journal daily for one week answering the three Naikan questions after a brief version of loving-kindness meditation (Ozawa-de Silva, 2006). During the sessions, we listen to the participant allowing her to put into words what she has discovered.

EmunaHealing Exercise for Facilitating Complete Forgiveness for Yourself and Others
(Based on A Meditation for the Anniversary of 9/11 Spiritual Practice by Jack Kornfield and Exercise: Revenge and Forgiveness by Louise Hay)
1. Sit quietly and peacefully. Allow your eyes to close and your breath to be natural and easy. Let your body and mind relax. Breathing gently into the area of your heart, let yourself feel all the barriers you have erected and the emotions that you have carried because you have not forgiven – not forgiven yourself, not forgiven others.
2. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning the suffering caused by others or yourself. You can do everything in your power to prevent more harm. Forgiveness is the release of any bitterness and hatred in your own heart, so you are free to move on. Let yourself feel the pain of keeping your heart closed. Then, breathing softly, begin asking and extending forgiveness, letting the feelings that come up grow deeper as you repeat them.
3. Asking Forgiveness of Others
Recite: “There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed others, have betrayed or abandoned them, caused them suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion.” Let yourself remember and visualize the ways you have hurt others. See and feel the pain you have caused out of your own fear and confusion. Feel your own sorrow and regret. Sense how you can finally release this burden and ask for forgiveness. Picture each memory that still burdens your heart. Then repeat to each person in your mind: “I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness.”
4. Offering Forgiveness to Yourself 
When you have cleared as much as you can for now, turn your attention to self-forgiveness. Recite: “There are many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself. I have betrayed or abandoned myself many times through thought, word, or deed, knowingly and unknowingly.” Feel your own precious body and life. Let yourself see the ways you have hurt or harmed yourself. Recall them and picture them. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this and sense that you can release these burdens. Extend forgiveness for each of them, one by one. Repeat to yourself: “For the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction, out of fear, pain, and confusion, I now extend full and heartfelt forgiveness. Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive myself for ___________.” Do this for another five minutes or so. I forgive myself, I forgive myself.”
5. Think of the people who are hardest to forgive. What would you really like to do to them? What do they need to do to gain your forgiveness? Imagine that happening now. Get into the details. How long do you want them to suffer or do penance?
6. Offering Forgiveness to Those Who Have Hurt or Harmed You
Recite: “There are many ways that I have been harmed by others, abused or abandoned, knowingly or unknowingly, in thought, word, or deed.” Let yourself remember and picture these many ways. Feel the sorrow you have carried from this past and sense that you can release this burden of pain by extending forgiveness whenever your heart is ready.
7. Now we are ready to forgive. Say to yourself: “I now remember the many ways others have hurt or harmed me, wounded me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger. I have carried this pain in my heart for too long. Recite loudly: “The person I need to forgive is ___________ and I forgive you for ___________. To the extent that I am ready, I offer them forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.”
8. Do this over and over. You will have many things to forgive some for and only one or two to forgive others for. Imagine the person you are forgiving saying to you, “Thank you, I set you free now.” Do this for at least five or ten minutes. Search your heart for the injustices you still carry. Then let them go.
9. Gently repeat these directions for forgiveness until you feel a release in your heart. For some great pains, you may not feel a release but only the burden and the anguish or anger you have held. Touch this softly. Be forgiving of yourself for not yet being ready to let go and move on. Forgiveness cannot be forced; it cannot be artificial. Simply continue the practice and let the words and spiritual practices work gradually in their own way. In time you can make forgiveness meditation a regular part of your life, letting go of the past and opening your heart to each new moment with a wise loving-kindness.
10. When you feel complete, let it be over forever. These are powerful exercises and good to do at least once a week to clear out any remaining rubbish. To indulge in this every day would be too much. Some experiences are easy to let go and some we must chip away at until suddenly one day they let go and dissolve. Usually at this point, you feel lighter and freer.