Parashat Pinchas: What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

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Parashat Pinchas

What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

How Do We Make a Will of Inheritance Fair to All Our Children?
Lately, during these insecure times, I’ve talked with my husband about making a will. We hope and plan to live until 120! But you never know. Making a clear and fair will of inheritance is important to prevent disputes and ill feelings among our children. Since we only have two sons, it seems like sharing in half whatever we leave behind (until 120!) should be an easy task. I wish! Without getting into the intricate laws of the firstborn son, things are still complicated for us, since our main asset is our home in the prime land of Bat Ayin, Gush Etzion. As our greatest prayer and will is that our descendants will live in our house and pick the fruits of the trees we have planted on the land, our halachic and legal will must favor the one who will live on our land. We would love to see our grandchildren and great-grands swing in the swings we built and add new ones too. How to find a way to apportion such preference in our will is complication #1. Complication #2. is that it’s not simple to divide our homestead into two portions in a way that will be fair to both of our sons. Currently, on our plot, our house is much more valuable than both of our two small downstairs apartments located partially on the basement level. When we first obtained our plot, nothing was growing on it except dry thorn bushes. We worked hard to remove the weeds, plant trees, and add compost and good soil, to transform our plot into a magical bird resort. Although we struggle to upkeep our land, we would hate to see it revert back into brambles and thorns. Our greatest desire and yearning are for our descendants to treasure the land, here in Eretz Yisrael, and show appreciation and care for it. Our plot has a natural land division with a small garden in front of our home and a more than double as large garden behind it. It would make more sense to grant the larger piece of land as an inheritance to the descendent most suitable to take care of it. Complication #3 is all the variables and uncertainties in our lives and that of our children. Since no one can predict the length of their lives, our grandchildren may be the ones to take over our homestead when the time comes. As our younger son is newly married, we don’t even know who that will be.

The Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach the Laws of Inheritance
The source of the mitzvah to leave our earthly possessions as an inheritance to our children is found in Parashat Pinchas. I find it interesting that although according to the Torah, the son takes precedence over the daughter regarding inheritance, we specifically learn about the mitzvah of leaving our possessions to our children from the daughters of Tzelafchad:

במדבר פרק כז פסוק א, ד-ז

וַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה …לָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ: וַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר: כֵּן בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד דֹּבְרֹת נָתֹן תִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲחֻזַּת נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אֲבִיהֶם וְהַעֲבַרְתָּ אֶת נַחֲלַת אֲבִיהֶן לָהֶן:

“The daughters of Tzelafchad, the son of Chefer, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Menashe, of the families of Menashe, the son of Yosef came forward. His daughters’ names were Machlah, Noah, Hogla, Milkah, and Tirtzah. Why should our father’s name be eliminated from his family, because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father’s brothers.’ So, Moshe brought their case before Hashem. Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, ‘The daughters of Tzelafchad speak properly. You shall certainly give them a portion of inheritance along wither their father’s brothers, and you shall transfer their father’s inheritance to them’” (Bamidbar 27:1-7).

The Yearning for the Land Awakening Among Women
In our time and age, there is an intensified awareness, especially among women of the inherent holiness of our Land. Despite our current difficulties, many among our people are willing to risk their lives to defend Eretz Yisrael. Our attachment to the Land of Israel is constantly being strengthened as we with mesirut nefesh (self-sacrifice) expand our yishuvim and build new communities. From where do we get this strength to stand up for the Land despite the dangers it entails? From which source do we draw our inherent attachment to this land?  “The deeds of the fathers are signs for their children” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 70:6; Ramban, Bereishit 12:10). I believe that this saying can also be understood in the feminine: “the deeds of the mothers are signs for their daughters!” We are only an extension of the souls who preceded us. The spiritual rectifications enacted by our ancestors have paved the way for our continued efforts in those same areas and have become part of our spiritual genetics. Among the role models who have affected our inherent attachment to the Land of Israel are the daughters of Tzelafchad. In a time when the general sentiment was remiss regarding the love of the Land of Israel, the five sisters stood up in their dedicated quest for a portion of the Land. They yearned to be part of revealing the Shechinah through redeeming Eretz Yisrael. Let us draw increased strength in our holy endeavor to reclaim our Holy Land. 

Contrasting the Men’s Depreciation and the Women’s Appreciation for the Land
The Midrash and commentaries contrast the desire of the women for the land of Israel with the men’s lack of emunah: “The daughters of Tzelafcḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach. “The daughters of Tzelofḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach, as you find that Aharon said to them: “Remove the gold rings that are in the ears of your wives” (Shemot 32:2). But the women were not willing, and they reprimanded their husbands, as it is stated: “All the people removed the gold rings [which were in their ears]…” (Shemot 32:3), but the women did not participate with them in the act of the calf. Likewise with the spies who disseminated slander: “They returned and caused the entire congregation to complain against him, [to disseminate slander about the land]” (Bamidbar 14:36). The decree was determined against them because they said, “We cannot ascend.” (Bamidbar 13:31). However, the women did not participate in their complaint, as stated above, “…They shall surely die in the desert and no man was left of them except Kalev the son of Yefune and Yehoshua the son of Nun.” (Bamidbar 26:65). It states, “man” and not ‘woman,’ because the men didn’t want to enter the land, but the approached to seek an inheritance in the land. Therefore, this section is juxtaposed to the death of the generation of the wilderness, where the men breached and the women repaired (Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 21:10). The Kli Yakar goes as far as to say that Hashem would have preferred to send women to spy the land since they love it and ask for possession of the land (Bamidbar 27:4), whereas the men despised the land and asked to return to Egypt (Ibid.14:4). Therefore, Hashem told Moshe לְךָ /shelach lecha – “Send men for you” – according to your own opinion. However, in My opinion, it would have been better to send women (Kli Yakar, Bamidbar 13:12). Perhaps because of the women’s love of and appreciation for the Land of Israel, we learn all laws of inheritance from women. Following the daughters of Tzelafchad’s request for an inheritance in the land Hashem reveals to Moshe all the additional halachot of inheritance:

ספר במדבר פרק כז פסוק ח וְאֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל תְּדַבֵּר לֵאמֹר אִישׁ כִּי יָמוּת וּבֵן אֵין לוֹ וְהַעֲבַרְתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְבִתּוֹ: (ט) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ בַּת וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְאֶחָיו: (י) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ אַחִים וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לַאֲחֵי אָבִיו: (יא) וְאִם אֵין אַחִים לְאָבִיו וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לִשְׁאֵרוֹ הַקָּרֹב אֵלָיו מִמִּשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ וְיָרַשׁ אֹתָהּ וְהָיְתָה לִבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לְחֻקַּת מִשְׁפָּט כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה הָשֵׁם אֶת משֶׁה:

“Speak to the children of Israel saying: If a man dies and has no son, you shall transfer his inheritance to his daughter. If he has no daughter, you shall give over his inheritance to his brothers. If he has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to his father's brothers. If his father has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to the kinsman closest to him in his family, who shall inherit it. This shall remain for the children of Yisrael as a permanent statute like Hashem commanded Moshe!”  
(Bamidbar 27:8-11).

The Divine Laws of Inheritance Imbue us With Gratitude to Hashem and our Relatives
I found the explanation of the famous medieval Sefer Hachinuch (a widely respected codification of all the 613 mitzvot organized by the Torah portion in which each mitzvah is found) of the mitzvah of inheritance particularly moving because it explains how the laws of inheritance show gratitude to Hashem who grants us our possessions, as well as an appreciation for our relatives who assisted us in gaining the skills that helped us earn our prosperity. It helped me tap into my overwhelming gratitude for everything Hashem has granted us, especially for our portion in the holy land! The Sefer HaChinuch writes extensively on the laws regarding inheritance in the 400th mitzvah of the Torah: “Among the root of the mitzvah a person should reflect that the world is in the hand of the Master that oversees all of His creatures, and it is in His desire and His goodly will, that each and every person acquires the portion of possessions that he attains in this world. And His gift is blessed, that it stays forever with the one He gave it to, were it not that it was decreed that every person would die due to our sins. Yet the removal of a person’s body is not a reason to end the blessed gift of G-d. Rather, this present should extend [to] the body that emanates from him, i.e. his son or his daughter. But if he passes away with no children, it is proper for the blessing of G-d to return to his closest relative; as this blessing that he acquired was due to his forefathers’ merit. Or perhaps together with his close relatives, he learned the skills with which he acquired this wealth taught him some skill with which he acquired his possessions. It is therefore fitting when a person leaves the world that his relatives who helped him through his life should receive his possessions.”

Making A Will Aligned with the Will of the Divine
Whereas a person has the full right to decide the allocation of his possessions while alive in this world, after his passing, the possessions return to Hashem who grants them to his closest relatives according to the laws of the Torah. If a father makes a will in which his son will not inherit him, it has no legal validity, as he has no powers to uproot Hashem’s decree that an inheritor receives the inheritance. Even though a person’s belongings are given over to him for all his wishes, and he can give them as a present to whoever he wants, and he may even destroy them, nevertheless he may not change the laws of inheritance after his death, as this thing is against the will of Hashem. These laws regarding inheritance stirred up in me the gratitude for the trust with which Hashem allowed us to be guardians of His most cherished asset – the Land that is considered Hashem’s beloved daughter.  I’m facing the prospect of making our halachic and legal will with even more reverence and awe! I hope and pray that we will be able to align our will with the Will of the Divine!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Pinchas –

Some Tips for Making a Halachich Will

Many people believe a will or testament is only for people with large estates. Or they put off writing their will until some undetermined future day when they believe it will become appropriate to think about such matters. Without a will, families may be split apart as the heirs argue incessantly over the inheritance. Even within the halachic community, governed by the Torah’s clear laws of inheritance (Bamidbar 27:7-11), families are sometimes torn asunder by disputes, large and small financially, yet heated and protracted emotionally. In the interests of peace within a family, we must arrange to divide our assets fairly among the children. However, according to most authorities, a typical last will and testament is halachically ineffective. One cannot bequeath property posthumously (Pitchei Choshen 9:134). Yet, a will that calls for the Torah’s exclusion of daughters could lead to hatred and a split in the family (Gesher Hachaim p.42). Today, bequeathing equal shares to all children is the most likely way to avoid these terrible results, and there are halachich ways to write a will to that purpose. At first glance, writing a will may feel less like a spiritual experience and more like a thankless chore governed by necessity. Second thought, though, reveals otherwise. Writing a will that adheres to Jewish law is a powerful reminder that where you are, what you have, and what you accomplish can (literally) give you and posterity the future. Spelling out your wishes is also the greatest gift you can give to your loved ones: it allows them the comfort of knowing that they are fulfilling your requests even after separation. 

• Make a Commitment to Writing your Will – and ask your rabbi how to ensure it is in accordance with halacha, given your specific circumstances.
  
  
•  According to Jewish Tradition, Legacy Planning is not Associated with Death – but rather with an extended lease on life: Our sages teach us that making arrangements for one’s inevitable demise unlocks the blessing of longevity. Why? Perhaps because thinking about – and preparing for – the moment of departure from this world helps us re-orient and refocus ourselves. 
  
  
•  From the Torah Perspective Life is not an Aimless Path – rather, it is a journey and mission imbued with direction, meaning, and purpose. Contemplating the moment when life ceases in this world reminds us that living is all about giving; giving, in turn, helps us connect with the boundless benevolence of G-d – the life force of existence.
  
  
•  Learn About the Halachic Ways of Distributing an Estate Equally to all Your children – it is no modern invention. The Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserless) of the mid-16th century, wrote about the custom of giving daughters a portion of an estate through a halachically sanctioned document called a shtar chatzi zachar. (The Rama Even HaEzer 113:2 and Choshen Mishpat 281:7). 
  
  
•  Review Your Will Regularly – especially after significant life events (e.g., marriage, divorce, births, deaths, or changes in financial circumstances), and make any necessary updates to ensure it remains valid and reflects your current wishes.

Why is Fear the Opening to Enter the Gate of Love?

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Parashat Ekev

Why is Fear the Opening to Enter the Gate of Love?

An Instant Gratification Generation

We are an impatient instant gratification generation. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that our entire century is characterized by impatience and craving for instant gratification. Everyone wants a shortcut to reach their goals fast. Children skip grades, mothers buy instant soup and instant cake mix, while fathers drink instant coffee. We skip to the conclusion of a research article or read just the abstract. Even when we get our hands on a new novel, we cheat and read the end first. If we like it, we may go back to the beginning. Also, in Torah, we desire shortcuts that give us the deepest instant message in the fewest words. That’s why some students yearn for Chassidic pearls but may have less patience for learning the minutia of the detailed halachot to keep them to perfection. In our spiritual work, it seems that the last few generations connect much more to the concept of Ahavat Hashem – Loving Hashem – which Chassidism emphasizes – than to the concept of Yirat Hashem – Fearing Hashem – which is quite foreign even for many – I was going to say – ‘G-d fearing people’! The concept of fear seems too solemn and formal for our disrespectful generation. We want the skip to the real deep stuff, we want to connect; we want the umph in our spiritual service, and we want to feel Hashem’s closeness, but are we ready to do the hard work and go through all the steps to get us there?

Why does the Torah Ask us to Fear G-d before Loving Hashem?

In Parashat Ekev, we read that the first step in our divine worship is “only to fear Hashem:”

ספר דברים פרק י פסוק יב וְעַתָּה יִשְׂרָאֵל מָה הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ שֹׁאֵל מֵעִמָּךְ כִּי אִם לְיִרְאָה אֶת הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ לָלֶכֶת בְּכָל דְּרָכָיו וּלְאַהֲבָה אֹתוֹ וְלַעֲבֹד אֶת הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ בְּכָל לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל נַפְשֶׁךָ:

“And now, O Israel, what does Hashem, your G-d, ask of you? Only to fear Hashem, your G-d, to walk in all His ways and to love Him, and to worship Hashem, your G-d, with all your heart and with all your soul” (Devarim 10:12).

Netivot Shalom asks: since we know that Ahavat Hashem is at a higher level than Yirat Hashem why does our verse precede fear of G-d to love of G-d? The same question can be asked on Tehillim 111:10: “The beginning of wisdom is the fear of Hashem; good understanding to all who perform them; his praise endures forever,” and on the verses following the Shema Yisrael that emphasize loving G-d. The Talmud teaches that it is greater to fulfill the mitzvot from love rather than from fear (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 31a). The positive mitzvot which are linked with ‘love of G-d’ are greater than the negative mitzvot connected with ‘fear of G-d.’ Yet, only by cultivating fear of G-d can we reach the level of loving Hashem and serving Him with heart and soul. Although loving G-d and cleaving to Him is the highest level and the end goal towards which we strive, due to our yetzer hara (negative impulse), we can only reach this level by first eradicating this negative impulse through obtaining fear of G-d. As long as we haven’t purified ourselves from this inherent negative inclination as it states, “for the inclination of man's heart is evil from his youth” (Bereishit 8:21), it is impossible to reach true love of G-d.

Fear of G-d – The First Step to Self-Refinement

According to Ohr HaChayim, the reason that G-d asks only that we serve Him out of fear, and that He is seemingly satisfied with this level of service is that fear is an all-embracing emotion. When a person is afraid of the consequences of doing wrong, he will make certain that he does not do anything wrong. Moreover, Moshe hints that fear, i.e., reverence for G-d is a prerequisite of love for G-d. This is understood from his prefaces of our verse with the word וְעַתָּה/ve’ata – “and now.” This teaches us that for now, initially, all that G-d asks for is to fear Him, although this is not the final goal in serving Hashem. The expression וְעַתָּה/ve’ata – “and now” also refers to teshuva (Rav Tzaddok of Lublin, Pri Tzaddik, Bereishit 8 based on Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 21). The midrash learns this concept specifically from our Torah verse. By means of fear of G-d we can repent as Rashi says, “Even though you did all this, His compassion and affection are still upon you, and with all that you have sinned against Him, He demands nothing of you, except only to fear [Hashem, your G-d]. How does fear of G-d help us to repent? Since the negative impulse that caused us to sin is not logical, it is not possible to uproot it through even the sharpest intellectual approach. Yet fear of G-d purifies the flesh and blood, therefore it is the foundation of teshuva. This is appropriate for preparing for the month of Elul – the month of teshuva! Through fear of G-d, we can remove the impure lusts and return to purity and acquire true love of G-d, for fear is the opening to enter the gate of love. The reason for this is that a Jew is a part of G-d from above, and the Shechinah dwells within us, therefore it is natural for a Jew to love Hashem. It is only the negative impulse that blocks our natural love of G-d. That is why it’s impossible to achieve love of G-d except through fear that refines and purifies us from negative cravings.

Tapping into the Light of Shabbat by Beginning with Awe of G-d

The main fear of G-d is awe of Hashem’s greatness. By feeling the greatness of the Creator in our hearts we come to have awe of Him. The way to come to awe and love of G-d is through contemplating the deeds of creation and its great wonders. This makes us in awe of Hashem’s infinitely great wisdom, though being mindful in this way of the greatness of Hashem’s creation, we can achieve both awe and love of G-d. The Zohar points out that the word בראשית/bereishit consists of the same letters as the two words יראה /yirah – ‘awe’ and ‘שבת/Shabbat.’ What is the connection between Shabbat and fear or awe of G-d? Shabbat is arousal from above connected with love of G-d, as we know that Shabbat is designated to be Israel’s soulmate (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 11:9). Yet, only by purifying ourselves through fear/awe of G-d will we be able to tap into the light of Shabbat and the love of G-d inherent in the holy Shabbat. We learn this concept from the word Bereishit which means “in the beginning.” Only by beginning with awe of G-d can we attain the elevated levels of Shabbat. In the same way, we begin the new year with the days of awe where the emphasis also is on fear/awe of G-d.

Emulating Hashem is a Prerequisite to Achieving Love of G-d

Why are the concepts of awe and love of G-d separated by the clause “to walk in His ways”?

There are three levels: Through acquiring fear of G-d we purify ourselves from the inclination to go astray from the straight path which enables us to walk in Hashem’s ways, which in return brings us to the highest level of love of G-d. Thus walking “in all His ways” is a preliminary preparation for learning to love Hashem. To walk in Hashem’s ways means to emulate His character traits, just as He is compassionate so must we be (Sifri Parashat Ekev Piska 13). Therefore, loving our fellow Jews is a spiritual remedy for achieving love of G-d. By walking in all of Hashem’s ways and purifying our character traits we may be able to achieve true love of Hashem!

EmunaHealing Exercise for Activating and Balancing our Will with Hashem’

1. Make yourself comfortable wherever you are and allow yourself to relax into your seat. Let your thoughts pass through you as you notice them without judging them. Breathe deeply and relax even more.

2. As you breathe slowly, contemplate the deeds of creation and its great wonders. Contemplate the greatness of everything Hashem has created and keep recreating every single second. Can anyone emulate the formation of the fruits on the trees… the intricate ecosystem, the orbits of the sun and the planets. “The heavens recite the glory of G-d, and the sky tells of the work of His hands” (Tehillim 19:2). Think about how Hashem created humanity with such wisdom… contemplate in details of the human body and how each limp and organ work together to maintain us. Think of the amazing digestive system that no other than G-d could conceive of.

3. The wonders of Hashem’s creation arouse awe of G-d. “What is it that G-d asks…only that you fear Him.” Fearing Hashem is surely not such an easy thing. In absolute terms, serving Hashem out of fear is something very great indeed. Can you get a feeling of Hashem’s awesome greatness that makes you recoil? Get in touch with your own minuscule smallness compared to the Almighty’s unparalleled magnitude. You have the opportunity to serve the greatest, most elevated being in the world. Do not let this opportunity pass by but make yourself ready to serve with all your heart, soul, and might.

4. Envision your worldly desires and negative cravings as a thick, black cloud. Your unrefined lust to stuff your face with more food than is good for you; your jealousy of the possessions and talents of others; your base need for compliments and attention etc. Now visualize how your awe of G-d becomes a bright light that makes the black cloud of your negative emotions evaporate, purifying you from your unholy cravings.

5. Allow yourself to feel how the blocks that have been blocking you from cleaving to G-d, are releasing. See if you feel lighter and more ready to serve G-d now.

6. G-d is compassionate and forgiving, His kindness has no bounds, and He is the ultimate truth.

Every possible good character trait is the way of Hashem. We are commanded to walk in G-d’s ways, by emulating Hashem’s character traits. Which character trait are you ready to work on right now? Imagine yourself acting, speaking, and thinking through having acquired the desired good trait.

7. Keep breathing and meditate on the concept of “fear is the opening to enter the gate of love.” Open your heart to feel Hashem’s infinite love for you. Contemplate all the blessings in your life that He has granted you. Even if you are going through a rough time, there are always some moments of goodness within each challenging test. Let your feeling of gratefulness fill your heart and spill over to become the deepest love of G-d that you are able to experience right now.

8. Imagine going about your life with this inner feeling of love of G-d permeating your every thought, speech, and action. When you are ready, open your eyes and return to the room with a resolve to walk in the way of G-d and come closer to Hashem in every mundane task in your everyday life.

Is There a Limit to Lengthening in Prayer?

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Parashat Vaetchanan

Is There a Limit to Lengthening in Prayer?

What is Wrong with Praying for a Specific Outcome?

Prayer is central in Judaism. One of the three pillars that the world stands on is service, which today refers to prayer (Pirkei Avot 1:2). The holy matriarchs and patriarchs pleaded with Hashem in heartfelt prayer, and Chana, the Mother of our Prayer, is known for lengthening in prayer for a son until she bore Shemuel. When I first came to Torah it was very difficult for me to pray, as it was something I had never learned to do or been used to. Even when I understood the Hebrew words of the Siddur, my mind would wander, and I lost focus. I asked my Rabbi for advice on this, and he told me to pray that I would be able to pray. That helped a little, but what really helps is having something of vital importance to pray for. Realizing that only Hashem has the power to grant my deepest aspirations, I would pour out my heart in prayer for a child, and I never stopped. Continuous prayer is needed for each stage of conception, pregnancy, birth, and child-rearing, and then for our son to find his other half, and it still doesn’t end here. Now, that thank G-d, Hashem has answered all these prayers, we continue to pray for a suitable home for the young couple. But is there a limit to how much we should pray? Can a person ever pray too much? It depends on what we are praying for. When I realized that praying for a specific outcome might not always be in our best interest, I stopped insisting in my prayer that Hashem grant my son and his bride a home in beautiful Bat Ayin. Although my husband and I are convinced that there is no better place for the young couple to start their married life than this loving, supportive community, our daughter-in-law- to-be feels otherwise. So, they have been looking in Jerusalem. It is quite challenging but realizing that only Hashem knows what’s really good for everyone, I changed my prayer from insisting that the couple find a place in Bat Ayin to praying that they find a home in a place that will be good for them.

Is There a Limit to How Much We Should Pray? Can a Person Ever Pray Too Much?

If a woman prays to marry a specific man, but he is not her predestined soulmate, her prayer can actually be harmful to her. Hashem may fulfill this prayer even if it goes against the master plan. Yet, just as it isn’t good for a child when his parents give in to his persistent cry for ice cream, it is not always in our favor to twist Hashem’s arm to grant us what we think we need. We cannot demand of Hashem what reality needs to be like, because we can never know anything for sure, we can only believe. There comes a place and time when we must accept Hashem’s will even if it may not be what we want. We are not in charge, and we mustn’t manipulate Hashem to fulfill our wishes. This is what Bilam tried to do through his witchcraft. Rather than praying for a specific outcome, Tefilah is to rise to the place where it is possible to receive the highest abundance that Hashem has dedicated specifically to us. The difference between manipulating Hashem and opening ourselves to receive Hashem’s blessing is very subtle. It can be compared to the prohibition to urge a person to give us an item that he doesn’t want to give. Asking is one thing, but to keep nudging is at best impolite and at worst bullying. So, too, in our relationship with Hashem, there comes a time when we must back off prayer. We learn a lesson on the limits of prayer in Parashat Va’etchanan. Moshe wanted so badly to enter the Land of Israel that he prayed for it 515 times, corresponding to the numerical value of the word וָאֶתְחַנַּן/Va’etchanan – “I beseeched,” and to the hours between Erev Rosh Hashana and the crack of dawn on Shemini Atzeret. Yet, Hashem did not even allow him to continue to pray for entering Israel. According to the midrash Hashem asked Moshe Rabbeinu to stop praying because otherwise, Hashem would have had to grant him permission to enter the Land. This teaches us the principle that it is possible to pray too much because it is considered as if the person ‘forces’ Hashem to do his will.

The Subtle Balance Between Asserting our Will and Aligning it with Hashem’s Will

In EmunaHealing we teach the importance of activating our will, as we recite in the Ashrei prayer: “umaspia l’chol chai ratzon” (Tehillim 145:16). This verse can be understood as

“Hashem influences and bestows upon each living being a will.” We all received a will. When someone doesn’t have a will, it is because she doesn’t reveal the will within her. Our will can be compared to gasoline, without which the vehicle will not move. We need a will to accomplish anything in life. Depressed people lose their will, and therefore have difficulty getting up in the morning. We need to actualize and live our will. לחיות את הרצון. The more we can peel off the various exterior layers, the more natural it is to be ourselves. Although we choose, we only choose a vessel, we need patience. We have no power over the results, we can only pray and accept that the rest is up to Hashem. There is a fine balance between activating our will and balancing it to align our will with Hashem’s and make His will our will (Pirkey Avot 2:4).

Will Moshe’s Prayers go Unanswered?

ספר דברים פרק ג פסוק כג וָאֶתְחַנַּן אֶל הָשֵׁם בָּעֵת הַהִוא לֵאמֹר: (כד) אֲדֹנָי הָשֵׁם אַתָּה הַחִלּוֹתָ לְהַרְאוֹת אֶת עַבְדְּךָ אֶת גָּדְלְךָ וְאֶת יָדְךָ הַחֲזָקָה אֲשֶׁר מִי אֵל בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר יַעֲשֶׂה כְמַעֲשֶׂיך וְכִגְבוּרֹתֶךָ: (כה) אֶעְבְּרָה נָּא וְאֶרְאֶה אֶת הָאָרֶץ הַטּוֹבָה אֲשֶׁר בְּעֵבֶר הַיַּרְדֵּן הָהָר הַטּוֹב הַזֶּה וְהַלְּבָנֹן:

“I implored Hashem at that time, saying, “O Hashem, You who let Your servant see the first works of Your greatness and Your mighty hand, You whose powerful deeds no god in heaven or on earth can equal! Let me, I pray, cross over and see the good land on the other side of the Jordan, that good hill country, and the Levanon” (Devarim 3:23-25).

I always cry over Moshe’s deep desire to enter the Land of Israel. Although his prayer wasn’t fulfilled in his lifetime, I believe that the power of his prayer instilled within the Jewish people the desire to make Aliyah for all generations to come. Moshe yearned to unify Hashem in the land, as “Whoever lives outside of the land is like someone who doesn’t have a G-d” (Babylonian Talmud, Ketuvot 110b). Therefore, Moshe used the term “your G-d” throughout the book of Devarim, to say that since the Israelites are entering into the Land Hashem’s name is called upon them (Siftei Kohen, Devarim 3:25). Rashi explains that the word וָאֶתְחַנַּן/va’etchanan is from the root חִנּוּן/chinun – ‘a free gift.’ Although the righteous may base a request on the merit of their good deeds, they request only a free gift of the Omnipresent. Alternatively, חִנּוּן/chinun is one of ten terms that denote prayer (Sifrei); (Rashi, Devarim 3:23). Moshe’s prayer furthermore teaches us that we must always praise G-d and afterward pray for our needs. The beginning of Moshe’s praise corresponds to the praises we recite in the opening of the silent Amidah prayer, “Your greatness” corresponds to –“The great G-d;” “Your mighty hand” to – You are mighty;” “Who is a god like You in heaven to – “You are Holy” (Chizkuni). Despite the sweetness of Moshe’s prayer, Hashem refused to grant the wishes of his soul.

ספר דברים פרק ג פסוק כו

וַיִּתְעַבֵּר הָשֵׁם בִּי לְמַעַנְכֶם וְלֹא שָׁמַע אֵלָי וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֵלַי רַב לָךְ אַל תּוֹסֶף דַּבֵּר אֵלַי עוֹד בַּדָּבָר הַזֶּה:

“Hashem was angry with me for your sake, and would not hear me, and Hashem said to me, ‘Let it be enough, speak no more to me of this matter’” (Devarim 3:26).

Despite our strong resolve and urgency to continue praying, we need to lower our expectations that Heaven must follow our wishes and dictates and have faith in and acceptance of the unknowable. Moshe accepts the fact that his prayers will go unanswered for now. Or rather, he understands that although Hashem always answers our prayers, sometimes the answer is no or not yet!”

EmunaHealing Exercise for Activating and Balancing our Will with Hashem’s

1. Let yourself relax on your chair or cushion and become aware of your breath. Take several deep breaths and feel your body settle down and relax.

2. Get in touch with your will. Ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Perhaps you can dismiss some of your cravings emanating from your lower will and focus on your deeper inner will – the will of your soul, to evolve toward your higher self and cleave to Hashem. Visualize yourself acting the way you really would want to act, possessing the positive traits you strive for, and thinking positive thoughts.

3. See if you can verbalize this vision in prayerful words such as “Hashem please empower and help me keep x mitzvah in a higher more complete way. You may repeat this prayer several times with greater intensity.

4. One of the reasons Moshe wanted so much to enter the Land was to be able to keep all the mitzvot that only apply in the Land of Israel. Get in touch with your own desire to live in the Holy Land. If you already live here, then tune into how you can better connect and appreciate this special merit for which Moshe cried and prayed numerous heartfelt prayers.

5. Take several deep breaths while you marvel at the wonder of the Promised Land and all its goodness despite whatever problems. Tune into the rose and disregard the thorns.

6. Return to focusing on your will. From where in your body does it emanate? Breathe your will into your head, throat, shoulders, arms, and fingers. Allow your will to enter your heart and penetrate it. Breathe your will into your stomach, liver spleen, and kidneys, and let your will flow down your legs all the way to your feet. Allow yourself to feel grounded in your will.

7. Take a few moments to get in touch with your higher will. Think of the five deepest yearnings in your life, perhaps you can connect each of your desires with one of your body parts. Before praying for them, take a moment to evaluate if your desires are aligned with Hashem’s will for you. You may adjust them to become more aligned. Keep in mind to pray more generally rather than for a specific outcome. Now, cry out to Hashem in heartfelt prayer for each of your desires while focusing on the body part where this desire resides. Then be still and breathe softly.

8. Let yourself hope that your prayers will be fulfilled, yet simultaneously let go of being demanding of Hashem. Accept that Hashem’s will is what ultimately determines the outcome of our prayers. See if you can rise to a place where you will be able to receive Hashem’s abundance for you. Whether or not it is Hashem’s will to grant you your wishes, accept whatever goodness Hashem has in store for you!