What Does the Torah Say About Loving Our Body?

Parashat Re’eh

Why are Most People Who Self-Injure Girls?

Although nail biting is very common, affecting 25-30 percent, especially among children, Baruch Hashem, I never had that problem. But I   have a similar problem: picking at my skin, because it is often very dry and peeling. It’s a feeling of just wanting to make it smooth, but this too may be a compulsion. Whoa! I just read that chronic skin-picking or dermatillomania, also called excoriation disorder, is a mental illness related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is characterized by repeated picking at one’s own skin, which results in skin lesions and causes significant disruption in one’s life. Oh well, blessedly, I am not in that category, which also is characterized by spending significant amounts of time – sometimes even several hours a day – on the picking behavior. This, fortunately, is definitely not a habit that I would ever have time for. Sadly, I do have friends, whose teenage children are entrenched in a more pathological way of cutting themselves. They, typically, cut themselves on their wrists or forearms. They might use a razor blade, knife, scissors, the end of a paper clip, a nail file, or a pen. Alternatively, some also burn their skin with the end of a cigarette. Most people who self-injure are girls. Perhaps, this is because they are struggling with more powerful emotions. Cutting might seem to them like the only way to express or control feelings that seem too intense to withstand. It usually starts during the teen years and can continue into adulthood. Many teens self-injure because it provides a sense of relief from deeper painful emotions, such as rejection, lost or broken relationships, deep overwhelming grief, and more. For some, the physical pain of cutting is a way of soothing their emotional pain. They may have experienced trauma, which can cause waves of dissociation (emotional numbness). For them, cutting can be a way of testing whether they can still feel pain. For others, cutting is a way of waking up from that emotional numbness. Whereas emotional pain can feel vague and hard to pinpoint, the cutting may give off a sense of control and relief. Those engaged in this behavior can experience where the specific pain is coming from and a sense of soothing when it stops. Cutting can symbolize inner pain that might not have been verbalized, confided, acknowledged, or healed. By self-inflicting, the person who hurts herself ‘gains’ a sense of control over her own body, emotions, or life circumstances.
 
Self-Mutilation in Idol Worshipping Rituals
Self-mutilation – cutting, harming, or otherwise disfiguring oneself – is not anything new. People have been doing it since the beginning of time. Pagan religious rites, in ancient times, often involved cutting and making themselves bleed to please their idol. It was quite common for worshippers to cut themselves in front of their idols, in order to show submission. The Tanach describes a ritual in which those who worshiped the false god – Ba’al – slashed themselves with swords and spears (I Kings 18:24-29). It might be hard to imagine, but self-punishment is an important part of several religions, even today. What we think of as self-harm today – behaviors like cutting or burning – are generally not the same types of self-mutilation as mentioned in the Torah. While much of the self-mutilation in the Torah was related to pagan idol worship, there are also biblical cases of self-harm related to demonic possession. This can be the case in some situations today. Whatever the cause of self-harming behaviors today, the Torah’s teaching on the subject is still helpful and relevant. Those who are self-injuring and those who have a friend or loved one struggling with self-harming behaviors can find truth, hope, and encouragement in the Torah.
 

Minding the Temple of Our Soul

 

      :ספר דברים פרק יד פסוק א בָּנִים אַתֶּם לַהָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵיכֶם לֹא תִתְגֹּדֲדוּ וְלֹא תָשִׂימוּ קָרְחָה בֵּין עֵינֵיכֶם לָמֵת

  :כִּי עַם קָדוֹשׁ אַתָּה לַהָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ וּבְךָ בָּחַר הָשֵׁם לִהְיוֹת לוֹ לְעַם סְגֻלָּה מִכֹּל הָעַמִּים אֲשֶׁר עַל פְּנֵי הָאֲדָמָה

“You are children of Hashem, your G-d. You shall neither cut yourselves nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead. For you are a holy people to Hashem, your G-d, and Hashem has chosen you to be a treasured people for Him, out of all the nations that are upon the earth” (Devarim 14:1-2).

 
Our verse teaches us about Hashem’s compassion and love for us – His children. G-d created us in our mother’s womb. Like a loving parent, the last thing He wants is for us to harm our bodies. Hashem created our body in his own image – b’tzelem Elokim. Our body is holy because it is home to our Divine soul and to our inner temple. It is Hashem’s desire that we honor the temple of our soul by loving ourselves and our bodies. Taking good care of our bodies is an important way of serving Hashem. I once heard a story about the Chafetz Chayim (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan), who was on his way to the bathhouse. Someone asked him where he was going, and he replied, “to perform a great mitzvah.” When requested to give more specifics, the Chafetz Chayim revealed that he was going to the bathhouse. “But I thought you were going to do an important mitzvah!?” remarked the person, bewildered. The Chafetz Chafetz Chaim responded, “If a king has a special statue that is very precious to him, wouldn’t it be a great deed and royal commandment to take good care of this sculpture and keep it clean? Likewise, is it not a great mitzvah to treat our holy body with utmost care and keep it clean, when it is so precious to the King of Kings?”
 
Recalling that we are Children of the Eternal King
I love how Rashi emphasizes that we are not to “make cuts and incisions in our flesh [to mourn] for the dead, in the manner of the Amorites, because we are the children of the Almighty.” We need to integrate that being Hashem’s children, means that we are worthy and beloved. As Rashi continues: “It is, therefore, appropriate for us to be as handsome as we can and not to make cuts or have our hair torn out.” Just as a parent naturally loves their child and would do anything to see him or her succeed, we must remind ourselves that we are the children of the Most High. We are princes and princesses who are worthy of honor and self-love. The Maharal explains, that the prohibition to cut oneself stems from the awareness of Hashem’s unity – unifying judgment with compassion. Regarding G-d as being limited to only the mode of judgment, would indicate that there is another god representing compassion, G-d forbid! Because we believe that Hashem is one and includes all, therefore, even when we go through difficulties and suffer losses, we can still access Hashem’s compassion. In contrast, the idol worshippers, who don’t believe in the oneness of Hashem, relate to their gods as if they are only gods of judgment. By cutting themselves, as part of their idol worship, they actualize their misconceived belief in an angry, punishing god, who desires their self-infliction. The Maharal also gives an additional reason for the prohibition to self-destruct. Since we, the Jewish people, are considered Hashem’s children, that implies that our existence is true and complete. In contrast, self-mutilation is an action of desecration that nullifies the body. Therefore, such actions only pertain to someone who doesn’t have true existence (Maharal, Gur Aryeh, Devarim 14:1).

Self-Harm in Our Time
Unfortunately, in our time, many young and not-so-young people are struggling with low self-esteem and feel unworthy to live a good life. Some believe that they aren’t worthy of existence. Therefore, they engage in self-destructive, painful behavior. There is nothing more painful for a parent than to witness their child – no matter what age – hurting himself. “Parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child!” While the act of self-harm may temporarily resolve the emotional angst, the relief is generally short-lived. Guilt and shame often follow. Although self-harm has been studied extensively for over a decade, findings are never entirely accurate, because of the stigma and shame that surrounds self-injury. The actual rates are likely higher than those currently reported. One analysis of self-injury across more than 40 countries found that:

• About 17% of all people will self-harm during their lifetime
• The average age of the first incident of self-harm is 13
• 45% of people use cutting as their method of self-injury
• About 50% of people seek help for their self-harm but only from friends instead of professionals

Not only is self-harm prevalent, but rates are increasing. There’s been a 50% increase in reported self-injury among young females since 2009. Clearly, self-harm is not a healthy coping mechanism and is not G-d’s desire for His people. Self-harm does not and will not resolve the underlying issues that prompt the behavior. So, what will help?

 

The Mitzvah to Love Yourself
Self-love is the key to heal self-harm. I find, that in our time, we greatly lack self-love. Through my emunahealing practice, I have come across so many women who suffer from a lack of self-worth. The underlying cause for lack of self-love and low self-esteem is often having grown up with critical parents. In order to heal, we need to remember that Hashem is there for us and tune into His unconditional love and acceptance of us. Through guided imagery, meditation, and inner child work, we can learn to give ourselves the love and acceptance we lacked, when growing up. We can also allow Hashem to fill our childhood wounds with His unconditional love and acceptance. It is a mitzvah not only to love others but “to love others as you love yourself!” (Vayikra 18:18). Let us not forget the importance to love ourselves as a value in itself and as a prerequisite for being able to love others. Strengthening our emunah by turning our minds to the truth of Hashem’s compassion and how He guides us to navigate life through all its challenges is vital for self-healing.
 
Practical Tips on How to Heal from Self-Harming
It is important for people engaged in self-harming behaviors to seek help. Though it can be scary, it can also be helpful to confide in a trusted friend or mentor, who can encourage and aid in healing. Parents, of those struggling with self-harm, also need support. Although it may be challenging, it is important not to take our children’s struggles personally. The best help parents can offer, is to extend love and compassion rather than showing disappointment and disapproval. It is important to learn what is causing the behavior and get appropriate therapy for past abuse or traumas. It is no less important to find practical ways to stop engaging in harmful behavior. Prayer, journaling, doing artwork, playing music, going for a walk, calling a friend, taking a shower, or simply allowing oneself to cry can be helpful alternative activities when the urge to harm oneself arises. A counselor or therapist can help come up with a good plan to assist in curbing the damaging behaviors, while also imparting better coping mechanisms for emotional stress. Although self-injury is a serious disorder, it can be healed by turning to Hashem and increasing self-love. A trusted friend, mentor, therapist, and or medical professional can be of great assistance along the journey to full recovery.