Parashat Ki Tavo: How Does the Mitzvah of The First Fruit Offering Inculcate Gratitude?

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Parashat Ki Tavo
How Does the Mitzvah of The First Fruit Offering Inculcate Gratitude? 

Struggling to Notice the Blessings While Living in Limbo
Recently I have been feeling a bit down. The long-winding war and all the other long-winding matters in its wake are difficult to carry. Although I teach my students daily to “keep up the good emunah!” At times I, myself, struggle with living in limbo. Sometimes I ask myself and Hashem about all the things I keep praying for every single day, “What’s gonna be? What’s gonna be?” A picture of wounded soldiers with steel legs stirred my soul and made my tears flow, thinking of the hardships facing these brave young men and their families for years to come. While it aroused much sadness in my heart, this picture simultaneously instilled a feeling of immense gratitude, for my own lot in life. It’s like when I was a kid, and my parents reminded me about the starving children in Africa, and how grateful I ought to be to have my needs met in abundance. Today, in the Western world when most of us have our basic physical needs met, I believe our main problem is loneliness – that arises from not feeling understood. One of my spiritual healing clients complained that she was unhappy and lonely. It turned out that this woman was a successful professional, and although she had suffered much grief in the past, she was surrounded by children and grandchildren one of whom even lived with her. She had a good friend with whom she did weekly excursions, and a Torah community, where she was actively performing various acts of chesed.  So, why was she unhappy and lonely? Because she had programmed herself to focus on the glass being half empty! In my experience, it is not success and wealth that bring about happiness, it is our attitude to notice the blessings in our lives even if they hide behind a murky façade.  So, even if things don’t go our way – especially when they don’t – it is time to count our blessings. That’s what makes them increase. As I pray for all single women to find their soulmate, I thank G-d for the wonderful, supportive, loyal husband who loves me! While praying for our soldiers’ protection and healing of the wounded, I remind myself to thank Hashem for having two healthy, able-bodied sons. In my concern for the Jews in exile and prayer for their speedy return to the land of Israel, I thank Hashem that I have the merit to live in the Promised Land, in the scenic Village of Bat Ayin, tending a beautiful home with a large surrounding garden. Even if not all the plants and flowers survive, and although the fruit has worms that I spend hours cutting off, I must focus on the beauty of the flowers that do bloom and the divine taste of the fruit wedges I do manage to salvage.

The Ultimate Blessing is Being Aware of the Benefits We Receive
“Who is rich? He who rejoices from his lot” (Pirke Avot 4:1). Rashi adds that we may have all the riches in the world, but if we are unable to appreciate our blessings, we are no better off than the poorest of the poor.  This concept is elucidated in Parashat Ki Tavo, in the introduction to listing the blessings: “All these blessings will come upon you, and they will reach you…” (Devarim 28:2). What does it mean that the blessings “will reach you?” We learn from this expression that the ultimate blessing is to be aware of the benefits we receive. We can only truly be blessed when the blessings reach us deep within – when we become aware of and internalize the appreciation for our blessings. Gratitude is so central to Judaism that we begin every day with “modeh ani,” thanking Hashem for believing in us and granting us another day to serve Him. A great part of our prayers are blessings of thanksgiving. Furthermore, the blessings we make over food and for the opportunity to observe a mitzvah are for the sake of instilling the feeling of thankfulness within us. Gratitude is so essential in the Torah, that we must even extend it to inanimate objects. Moshe didn’t strike the Nile, since it protected him as an infant. Instead, Aharon hit it to bring about the plague of blood or frogs (Midrash Tanchuma, Va’era 14). By showing gratitude even to objects that lack feelings, a person acquires hakarat hatov (recognition of the good) as a character trait not necessarily dependent on the emotional state of the other party. Hence, failing to have gratitude for inanimate objects constitutes a character flaw, as Meiri explains (Bava Kama 92b) regarding the ingratitude of throwing a stone into a well from which we drunk: “Anyone who does this demonstrates a lack of good character and a debased and despicable nature.” Showing gratitude to inanimate objects fosters the trait, so a person will subsequently express gratitude to people who benefit them (Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler, Michtav M’Eliyahu III, pp. 95-101). Whereas Heaven determines our lot in life and its gifts, we employ our free will through our attitude to whatever life dishes out for us. It may be more natural to notice the lacks, and occasions for dissatisfaction and sorrow, yet we rise to our greatness precisely by making the extra effort to search for the nuggets of blessings in our lives. With “an attitude of gratitude,” we learn to recognize the blessing of the simple and important things in life such as a roof over our heads, healthy children, food to eat, and a family to love. “What more do we need?” (Based on Dr. Laura Segall, Gratitude – Parashat Ki Tavo).

The Essence of the Mitzvah of the First Fruit Offering is Expressing Gratitude
One of the main mitzvot designated to inculcate gratitude is Mitzvat Bikkurim – The mitzvah of the First fruit offering. Indeed, the “essence of the mitzvah of bikkurim is gratitude” (Rabbi A. Twersky MD).

ספר דברים פרק כו פסוק ג וּבָאתָ אֶל הַכֹּהֵן אֲשֶׁר יִהְיֶה בַּיָּמִים הָהֵם וְאָמַרְתָּ אֵלָיו...

“You shall come to the kohen who will be [serving] in those days and say to him…” (Devarim 26:3).

“…And say to him: that you are not ungrateful [for all that Hashem has done for you]” (Rashi). The foundation of the mitzvah of bringing bikkurim lies in our appreciation for the Creator, as expressed in the text read during the bikkurim when we recall the goodness of our Creator who raised us out of lowliness to possess the Holy Land and grow its blessed fruit. “For we were commanded to recount His kindnesses which He has bestowed upon us, and which has saved us” (Rambam (Sefer Hamitzvot, Positive Mitzvah 132). The expression of gratitude for the fruit we receive is cause for great celebration. This gratitude refers to the recitation that accompanies the first fruit offering from the seven species of the Land of Israel, (Devarim 8:8), during Temple times. It is the only offering in the Torah preceded by a speech, there was musical accompaniment, and the Levi’im sang their greetings to the fruit bearers, bringing a real element of simcha, joy, to the event. The Bikkurim Recital is a brief synopsis of how the Jewish people began through lowliness, slavery, and suffering, emphasizing that it was only by the grace of G-d that we were liberated and granted the land of Israel. This recital is an act of appreciation for the bounty provided by Hashem. Without the exodus and Divine assistance in conquering the land of Canaan, there would be no Jewish nation in the land of Israel. Without Hashem’s blessings, there would be no produce. The narrative of goodness, beginning with Ya’acov and Lavan and culminating with bringing the first fruits of our land to the Temple, also encompasses the measure of humility, the ability of a person to recognize that everything comes from G-d, as Rambam said (Guide for the Perplexed III §39). Sefer HaChinuch describes the message of the recitation: “It is suitable for us to awaken our heart with the words of our mouth and contemplate that everything we have comes from the Master of the Universe. We must recount G-d’s kindness, upon us and the people of Israel.” The sentence following the recitation states, “And you shall rejoice in all the good granted to you by Hashem your G-d” (Devarim 26:11). Once we verbalize our gratitude to Hashem, we can truly rejoice over all the goodness He keeps granting us!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Ki Tavo –
Tips on Expressing Your Gratitude to Hashem and Anyone Who has Benefitted Us

The mitzvah of bikkurim, which expresses gratitude for G-d’s goodness, “is most essential, for it is the foundation of all things and encompasses everything” (Rabbi Moshe Alshich, Devarim 26:1). The offering of the ‘first’ of everything we have represents our recognition that G-d is the Master of ALL our possessions and that He is the source of our bounty. What is the trait of hakarat hatov? (recognizing the good) We must show gratitude to those who help us. Just as we would show our appreciation for Hashem with our first fruit gift basket during temple times, sending a gift to anyone who has benefited us is a way to say a lot without many words. The late motivational writer William Arthur Ward said: “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Let’s remember to show appreciation to Hashem – the Source of our blessings and extend our appreciation to anyone who has done us a favor!

• Make a Conscious Effort to Dedicate the Beginning of Everything You Do to Hashem – as appreciation for His blessings. The Biala Rebbe explains based on his father’s teachings the Divrei Bina that in every matter a person needs to make a conscious effort that its beginning should be for the sake of heaven, for everything goes after the beginning. In heaven, they calculate mainly the beginning of the thoughts of a person, whether through fulfilling the Torah and the Mitzvot, or through physical matters, the beginning of intention needs to be for Hashem. When we have pure intentions in our every deed, to dedicate its beginning to Hashem, we fulfill the mitzvah of Bikurim even more than during Temple times! (Rabbi Ben Tzion Rabinowitz, Shulchan Adam Mekaper, A Person’s Table Atones, Chapter 5). 
• How do We Best Thank Someone Who Has Helped Us? – Should we always give a gift in return, or is simply saying “thank you” enough? There is no black-and-white answer to this question. Often, just “thanks,” combined with other words of appreciation, is a sufficient way of showing appreciation. Yet, giving a gift, flowers, fruit, a bottle of wine or a plant is a beautiful way of showing appreciation to anyone who has helped us. 
• Give gifts of Appreciation to those who have Extended Themselves to You – There is no better way to show appreciation than through gift giving. Although it’s the intention that counts try to carefully select a gift that the receiver will appreciate. Just as the first fruit offering was presented in a beautifully decorated basket, gifts should be nicely wrapped; presentation is as important as the content.
• Send a Real Snail Mail Thank You Letter of Appreciation – to someone who hosted you for a meal, visited you when you were sick, or helped you during other hardships.
• Choose a Gift Your Recipient Will Love – Choosing a thank-you gift requires thought and creativity. The primary reason we get a thank-you gift is to show appreciation, which means taking the time to find something the receiver will enjoy. When choosing a thank-you gift, let the recipient’s interests guide your choices. Consider who they are and their hobbies, and then keep your selection in line with something you believe they’ll love. Thank-you gifts are from the heart. Selecting a particular kind of flower or plant that you think the recipient loves is sensible. Get her something related to her passion, that she likely will use and enjoy. The bikkurim was presented beautifully, likewise, a beautifully wrapped gift shows more appreciation.     
• A Thank-You Gift Should Always Include a Heartfelt Thank-You Note – If someone has gone out of their way for you, then including written words along with your gift makes the gesture much more meaningful. Whether you handwrite a letter or include a gift tag with the recipient’s name and a short message, making it personal gives it a special touch. Here is an example of a thank-you note:

Dear [Name], 

Thank you so much for [favor/act of kindness]. You’re an amazing person, and your generosity means a lot to me. I know how much you love [reason you chose the gift], so when I saw this [gift], I knew I had to get it for you. Enjoy!

[Your Name]

• How to Express Your Appreciation When Giving a Gift – Verbally letting someone know how grateful you are for their generosity is a lovely gesture they’re sure to appreciate. If you’re at a loss for words when presenting a thank-you gift, then it is best to keep it short and simple.            
• Put Effort into Expressing Thanks But Don’t Overthink It – The effort you spend on a gift will be noticed and appreciated. The bottom line is to put your heart into it. Ironically, putting too much thought into selecting a gift can lead to choosing a gift that represents your own ideas instead of something the recipient would actually want. A thank-you gift is a wonderful way to show your appreciation while leaving a lasting impression. Sending a thank you gift, such as wine, sweet treats, personalized gifts, or thank you baskets, is never a bad idea, and even the smallest gesture can go a long way. Gratitude never goes out of style.

Parashat Re’eh: How Can We Learn from the Animals to Praise Hashem?

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Parashat Re’eh
How Can We Learn from the Animals to Praise Hashem?  

Is it Halachically Permitted to Visit the Zoo? 

Every year during the latter part of August you’ll see middle-aged and older couples pushing baby carriages and tightly holding the hands of bouncy toddlers while crossing the street. They will be hanging out at various parks and playgrounds struggling to handle girls with piggy tails in matching dresses, and boys of varying heights. You will meet them in the children’s museums, at amusement parks, the aquarium, and the Zoo. That’s where you could have met us last week with our feisty four-year-old granddaughter in tow. In Israel, nursery and elementary school go to the end of June, when working parents can find various summer camps that last until mid-August. During the last two weeks of August, until school starts in September, parents often turn to their parents for help taking care of their children. We, the grandparents, treasure this opportunity to spend meaningful time with our grandchildren while helping relieve our busy children. When I suggested visiting The Biblical Zoo, my husband was immediately on board. This will afford us the opportunity to recite the special lesser-known bracha, praising Hashem for creating strange and different creatures twice, once for the monkeys and once for the elephants.  While there may be a slight controversy about going to a zoo, most Halachic authorities approve. The reason that a few Rabbis oppose visiting the zoo is that capturing and confining an animal can be considered a form of prohibited tza’ar ba’alei chayim, (causing pain to animals), especially to undomesticated animals that resist captivity. Yet most halachic authorities permit going to the zoo. They cite several well-known Rabbis who visited the Zoo to recite the appropriate bracha.  Even according to the view that it is prohibited to build a zoo, once a zoo exists, it may be permitted to visit it (Rabbi Simon Jacobson). Rabbi Ovadia Yosef zt”l rules that one may visit a zoo to see Hashem’s wonderous creations and recite the appropriate blessings upon them. It is said that the Terumat Ha’Deshen went to the zoo because he had never seen a lion. The Chida writes about his visits to several Zoos where he saw various interesting, confined animals, among them a beautiful one-hundred-year-old eagle (Midbar Kedemot, Letter Bet, and Ma’agal Tov). The Gaon of Muncasz writes: “I visited the zoo where I saw elephants, monkeys, snakes, alligators, and all sorts of astounding creatures. How great are Hashem’s creations! I recited the ‘Baruch Meshane Ha’Briyot’ blessing. 

Praising Hashem for Creating Creatures that are Different

Rabbi Avraham Lipshitz asks, was it not permitted to go to the zoo, how would we ever recite the blessing Meshaneh Ha’Briyot? He clarifies we aren’t obligated to go to the zoo to recite this blessing. Nevertheless, it is definitely a mitzvah to praise Hashem for His multifaceted creations. Thus, we trotted around in the zoo, trying to get our granddaughter to follow us – a challenge that would have been quite difficult if not for the help of our younger son and his wife who accompanied us. We noticed that most of the other zoo visitors were visibly Torah observant. When we finally arrived at the monkeys, we excitedly recited the bracha:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם מְשַנֶּה הַבְּרִיּוֹת:

Baruch Atah Hashem, E-lo-h-einu Melech ha’olam meshane ha’briyot.

Blessed are you Hashem our G-d who makes creatures different. 

There are various Rabbinic opinions on whether we are permitted to say this blessing both on the monkey and the elephant, we followed the ruling of Rav Melamed who writes: “A person who sees a monkey and an elephant together, recites one blessing over both. However, when they are in different locations, as is common in zoos, we recite a separate blessing over each one.” So, we had more praise for Hashem in store when we finally arrived at the elephants.  There are also various views on whether the ‘Meshane Ha’Briyot’ blessing may only be said once in a lifetime or if we may recite this blessing every time, we see elephants and monkeys Rav Ovadia Yosef rules that we should only recite this blessing once a lifetime. The next time we see an elephant or monkey, we should only recite this blessing in our minds because of the doubt involved. Another option given is to recite the Bracha without Shem UMalchut if 30 days have passed. According to Rav Melamed, if thirty days have passed since we last praised Hashem for the monkey or elephant, we do recite the blessing again because when visiting a zoo, there is definitely a sense of amazement – the fact that people go there specifically to see the animals demonstrates their wonder at seeing them. Yet, if we have already visited the zoo within the last month, we do not recite the blessing over animals as when thirty days have not passed, our amazement at seeing them is diminished (P’ninei Halakha, Brachot 15:15). 

What’s Different About Monkeys and Elephants? 

תלמוד בבלי מסכת ברכות דף נח/ב  תנו רבנן הרואה פיל קוף וקפוף אומר ברוך משנה את הבריות… 

“One who sees an elephant, a monkey, or a Kipof recites ‘Meshane Ha’Briyot’ (He Who makes creatures different)” (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 58b; Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chayim 225:8).

Since there are many species around the world with stark distinctions and unique features, why did the Sages specifically enact to recite blessings upon seeing these animals only? Our Sages decided to recite a blessing specifically on monkeys and elephants because their appearance arouses particular astonishment. More than any other creature, they possess a certain resemblance to humans. A monkey is similar to man in the shape of its body and the use of its hands. An elephant is unique among animals in that its skin is smooth and hairless, and it uses its trunk like a hand (Meiri, Berachot 58b). Rav Ovadia Yosef testifies that he heard from the great and pious kabbalist, Rabbi Meshulam, that Hashem punished the people of the Generation of the Dispersion by turning some of them into elephants and monkeys. Thus, since primates have some human features and elephants understand human language somewhat, we recite this blessing” (Based on the Babylonian Talmud, Sanhedrin 109a).

How does the Owl Differ from the Rest of the 24 non-Kosher Birds?

As we proceeded inside a dark zoo tunnel several pairs of big round eyes met ours.  I’ve always been a bird lover, but my husband didn’t tell us to recite the special blessing on the קפוף/kipof  –‘owl,’ (the third animal mentioned in Berachot 58b). The Shulchan Aruch didn’t rule to recite the blessing over owls, thus no other Rabbi mentioned it. I assume this is because it wasn’t 100% clear exactly which animal the קפוף/kipof refers to. Although according to Tosafot, Chullin 63a, Kipof refers to three different kinds of owls. Perhaps not everyone agreed with him. Owls are special and different, unlike regular birds, the eyes of these nocturnal birds face forward like people’s (Babylonian Talmud, Niddah 23a). 

ספר דברים פרק יד פסוק יא כָּל צִפּוֹר טְהֹרָה תֹּאכֵלוּ: (יב) וְזֶה אֲשֶׁר לֹא תֹאכְלוּ מֵהֶם הַנֶּשֶׁר וְהַפֶּרֶס וְהָעָזְנִיָּה:

(יג) וְהָרָאָה וְאֶת הָאַיָּה וְהַדַּיָּה לְמִינָהּ: (יד) וְאֵת כָּל עֹרֵב לְמִינוֹ: (טו) וְאֵת בַּת הַיַּעֲנָה וְאֶת הַתַּחְמָס וְאֶת הַשָּׁחַף וְאֶת הַנֵּץ לְמִינֵהוּ: (טז) אֶת הַכּוֹס וְאֶת הַיַּנְשׁוּף וְהַתִּנְשָׁמֶת…

“You may eat every clean bird. But these are those from which you shall not eat: The eagle [or the griffin vulture], the ossifrage, the osprey; and the white vulture, and the black vulture, and the kite after its species; And every raven after its species; And the ostrich, and the owl, and the gull, and the hawk after its species; The falcon, and the ibis, and the bat…” (Devarim 14:11-16). 

The owl is one of the 24 prohibited species of birds mentioned in Parashat Re’eh. I once heard that the Torah’s mentioning of the names of all the 24 non-kosher birds proves that the Torah is Divine. It is known that the signs of kosher birds are that they lay eggs that are round like a ball on one side and elongated like an oval on the other, and the egg white surrounds the yolk. Which human being would ever be able to know with absolute certainty the exact list of 24 birds that don’t share this identifying trait of kosher birds?

Praising Hashem for Beautiful Creatures

We saw many amazingly colorful beautiful birds, canaries, and parrots in the zoo, but none of them exchanged a word with us. Nevertheless, if the beauty of any of them evokes a feeling of admiration, another special lesser-known blessing may be recited. This is the blessing for seeing intensely beautiful trees, people, or animals:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁכָּכָה לוֹ בְּעוֹלָמוֹ:

Baruch Atah Hashem, E-lo-h-einu Melech ha’olam shekacha lo b’olamo.

Blessed are you Hashem our G-d so this is how it is in His world! 

Although Ra’avad holds that the blessing over beautiful animals is recited only once in a lifetime, and his opinion was codified by the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chayim 225:9), this specifically relates to an animal whose second sighting doesn’t evoke a special sense of amazement. Most Rabbis agree that this blessing can be recited when thirty days or more have passed since the last sighting of a particularly beautiful creature. A visitor to the zoo should recite the blessing ‘shekacha lo b’olamo’ over the first beautiful species he sees and have kavana (intention) to exempt all the other beautiful species with his blessing. This pertains to most people, who are not particularly impressed by all the gorgeous species. But someone greatly moved by seeing them, recites a blessing on each one individually. The blessing ‘so this is how it is in His world!’ conveys that true beauty is the most general expression of creation. It is how harmony and balance of the whole are expressed in a single feature. The appreciation of the totality of creation and its relation to the specific is manifested in beauty where it is not the detail that takes our breath away, but rather the insight into the transcendence of the whole. A sunset, the reflection of light in the waves of water, the graceful leaves in a tree can transport us beyond…. Creation as a whole intrudes on our consciousness, and we are overwhelmed: “So this is how it is in His world!” Beauty implies potential, the expression that lies within all creation (Based on Rabbi Matis Weinberg). Our four-year-old granddaughter was specifically impressed by a shiny turquoise parrot with red breast feathers, and a green back topped off by a shiny orange beak. Her trip to the zoo was certainly both entertaining and educational. 

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Re’eh –

Some Tips on How to Appreciate Hashem’s Creatures

Perek Shirah, (A Chapter of Song), is an ancient text at least a thousand years old; some commentaries even attribute its authorship to King David! It teaches us that everything in the natural world praises Hashem with one of the verses of the Torah, many of which are Tehillim. If we pay close attention to the sky, the earth, various animals, birds, insects, and plants, we may be able to catch a glimpse of their way of glorifying the Divine and join them in singing Hashem’s praises. Let us learn from Nature to appreciate Hashem’s creation and strengthen our connection with Him! 

• Pay Close Attention to Hashem’s Creations Around You – Each one has its own way of praising Hashem and teaching us a lesson. “Rabbi Yocḥanan said: Even if the Torah had not been given, we would nonetheless have learned modesty from the cat, [which covers its excrement], and that stealing is objectionable from the ant, [which does not take grain from another ant], and forbidden relations from the dove, which is faithful to its partner, and proper relations from the rooster, which first appeases the hen and then mates with it" (Babylonian Talmud, Eruvin 100b).

• Study Nature’s Song with Commentaries – Learn about all the deep lessons Hashem in His greatness has imbued within nature. Appreciate the signs he sends us through the phenomenon of nature. If you are feeling drowsy or lazy, go out and pay attention to the ants, and get inspired by how hard and diligently they work. What’s more, they can get incredible jobs done by working together in total unity as a team. Have you ever seen a group of ants moving an object bigger and heavier than hundreds of ants? Only by their dedicated teamwork do they succeed in carrying away a stick needed for their anthill or a yummy cookie for their pantry. 

• Go to the Zoo and Contemplate the Lessons of Various Animals – What Can We Learn from the Elephant? – The elephant is saying: “How great are your works, G-d, Your thoughts are tremendously deep” (Tehillim 92:6). A little girl in the zoo refused to leave the elephants, “Come let’s go already” pleaded her mother “Haven’t you seen elephants lots of times on TV?”  “Yes” replied the girl “but these are so big!”  The elephant weighs up to seven tons and stands twelve feet tall. For such an enormous creature, elephants are astonishingly agile, capable of balancing on one foot alone.  The elephant is the mightiest beast, and the most intelligent of the large animals, too. Despite all this, it is trainable to be submissive to human beings. The awesome elephant and its submission to human beings, causes us to direct our praise to G-d for creating such amazing creatures “How great are your works, G-d, Your thoughts are tremendously deep!” (Based on Nosson Slifkin, Nature’s Song pp.)

Parashat Devarim: How Can We Give Rebuke in a Way that Will be Appreciated?

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Parashat Devarim
How Can We Give Rebuke in a Way that Will be Appreciated? 

The Obstacles Preventing Us from Feeling Gratitude for Rebuke

Over the years through my interactions with numerous people and students of various ages and backgrounds, I have seen one clear distinguishing point between those who truly want to grow and those who don’t. It boils down to whether we sincerely appreciate constructive criticism or whether we choose instead to place the blame on others. The temptation to tread the latter path originates from the reaction to the first-ever rebuke in the Garden of Eden. Hashem asked Adam: “Where are you?” (Bereishit 3:9). This short question instills a strong message that we must always question ourselves where we are in relation to Hashem, and whether we are on the path of moving closer or – G-d forbid – farther away from Him. The Divine question also entails where we are on all levels: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Adam had just descended several spiritual worlds yet instead of taking responsibility and admitting that he was spiralling down, he chose to exonerate himself by saying, “The woman whom You gave [to be] with me she gave me of the tree; so I ate” (Ibid. 12). Since then, ingrained within us all is the tendency of blaming others rather than taking responsibility and looking for opportunities for growth. Undoubtedly, it is uncomfortable to receive criticism. It can make us feel inadequate and unworthy, and that hurts! So, the natural tendency is to repress this pain by dismissing the rebuke, and living in the illusion that we are doing nothing wrong. In addition, it is common to block our own shortcomings by finding faults with others. People who are insecure in themselves are more prone to this attitude of avoiding facing their faults. Their lack of self-confidence makes them disbelieve their ability to mend their ways.  It is much easier to point fingers at others than admit being wrong and express a sincere apology. Yet, the initial pain can be transformed into growing pangs when we appreciate the chance to work on ourselves and evolve. If we can get ourselves to that place, we will truly be thankful whenever someone makes an effort to reprimand us, even when the rebuke isn’t given in the very best way.  In hindsight, don’t we all agree that we have learned the most from our so-called failures? 

Do We Know How to Give Rebuke in Our Time?

Although some people say that no one knows how to rebuke today, I have experienced that it is possible to successfully rebuke even the kind of person who is less likely to accept reproach, if we come from a truly loving place of seeing the good in the other.  Actually, there doesn’t seem to be a proper Torah source for this statement. On the contrary, the Torah teaches the importance of giving rebuke (Vayikra 19:17). Possible, the said statement may be taking Talmudic discussion out of context: “Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria says: I would be surprised if anyone in this generation knows how to rebuke” (Babylonian Talmud, Arachin 16b). Yet, the same Talmudic discussion continues and its purpose is to decide how far the obligation of rebuke extends, and at what point a person may be exempted from giving rebuke. This is either when the reprimanded person curses the one who gives him rebuke or when he hits him. Today even the person least receptive to rebuke will rarely commit any of these harms, and thus it is still our sacred duty to try our best to help others straighten their ways, whenever there is even a small chance they will listen. Although giving rebuke is one of the least favorable parts of my vocation as an educator, I do it when absolutely necessary. While I’m not always successful, I’ve learned some helpful principles about how to rebuke. To be successful in anything we must always turn to Hashem. Especially, whenever we are going to perform a difficult task, the first thing is praying to Hashem. Only then can we plan how to proceed. In interacting with others, we accomplish nothing when the other part becomes defensive. So, we must ensure that our reproach doesn’t come off in a way that can be misunderstood as an attack. Starting the rebuke with positive words of admiration for the good we see in the other, including showing compassion for their difficult situation, has a good chance of yielding success. Then it may work well to express surprise about the negative action in question, and how it seems out of character with the rest of the person’s positive qualities. To avoid the person becoming defensive, it is recommended to voice the reproof as a question such as “Why did you act x, y, or z?” This also shows that we are open to hearing his side and believe that he may have good reasons to do what he did. Once we have gained the confidence of the person, we want to rebuke that we aren’t out to get him, but sincerely want to help him, he will let down his guard. The best thing that could happen then is that he will ask for advice, on how he could improve his ways, and then the rest is straightforward. When we have reproved someone and even if it went well, we cannot expect the person to make a 180-degree turnabout on the spot. Remember, the founder of the Musar Movement, (concerned with enhancing moral and ethical conduct), Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, states that repairing one bad trait is harder than learning the entire Talmud. So perhaps in another seven years, you may notice the person’s improvement!

Rebuke Must be Without Personal Vendetta

We always read Parashat Devarim the Shabbat before Tisha b’Av the main fast day commemorating the destruction of our Temple. This Parasha opens with Moshe’s wise rebuke of the Jewish people. It is told about Rabbi Ya’acov Yitzchak of Peshicha that every day he read several verses from this parsha as he believed that these words of Moshe have the power to enter the heart and lead one to repent.

ספר דברים פרק א פסוק א אֵלֶּה הַדְּבָרִים אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר משֶׁה אֶל כָּל יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּעֵבֶר הַיַּרְדֵּן בַּמִּדְבָּר בָּעֲרָבָה מוֹל סוּף בֵּין פָּארָן וּבֵין תֹּפֶל וְלָבָן וַחֲצֵרֹת וְדִי זָהָב:

“These are the words [of subtle rebuke] which Moshe spoke to all the Jewish people in [the Plains of Mo’av, on the east] bank of the Jordan. In the wilderness, [in the plains of Mo’av], at the Sea of Reeds, [in the wilderness] of Paran, between Tofel and Lavan, at Chatzerot and Di-Zahav” (Devarim 1:1).

These are words of rebuke, since all the places where they angered G-d are listed here. But, out of respect for the Jewish people, Moshe was vague with his words, and he only hinted [at their sins, by mentioning the places where the sins occurred, and not the sins themselves]: (Rashi ibid.).  Rashi was troubled by why the verse states, “These are the words which Moshe spoke to all the Jewish people…” without mentioning the content of Moshe’s words. Rashi concludes that our verse must contain the actual words that Moshe said to the Jewish people. Thus, the list of locations at the end of the verse is not, as it first appears, a description of where Moshe said his words, but rather, they are Moshe’s words themselves. Each place on the list of the Israelites’ locations alludes to a specific sin. Moshe thus gave a subtle rebuke, indirectly admonishing the Jewish people for their numerous past rebellions. This kind of rebuke is a compassionate technique that prevents the offender from becoming defensive, as he is discovering the reproach by himself. With the phrase, When listing “All the places where they angered G‑d,” Moshe did not mention Marah, since Marah was a rebellion against Moshe’s own leadership, and not directly against G‑d. So, while Moshe felt it appropriate to admonish the Jewish people for their sins against G‑d, Moshe did not seek to defend his own honor by rebuking the people for rebelling against him (Based on Rabbi Menachem Mendel Shneerson, Sichas Shabbos Parshas Devarim 5725).

Constructive Criticism: Building Up Those We Rebuke

Rashi explains “Di-Zahav” (lit., enough gold) as - He rebuked them for the calf they had made because of their abundance of gold. Yet, the Talmud (Brachot 32a) interprets the allusion of Di Zahav as Moshe said to Hashem: The riches you gave to B’nei Yisrael until they said די/dai – ‘enough’ is what caused them to erect the הזָָהָב עֵגֶל – ‘golden calf.’ According to the Talmud, it seems as if Moshe blames Hashem for the sin of the golden calf, whereas Rashi teaches us that this verse is Moshe’s rebuke of the people for their sins! How do we understand this seeming contradiction whether it was the nation’s fault, or G-d’s fault (so to speak)? Rabbi Rosner explains, “After hundreds of years of slavery, He took the Israelites out of Egypt with great miracles and gave them vast riches.  What can be expected of someone who becomes a millionaire overnight?  It is hard to deal with so much good fortune so quickly.  It is Your fault, Hashem, for having spoiled them! According to Rav Asher Weiss, on the one hand, Moshe was giving the Israelites rebuke but at the same time, he was defending us.   It’s as if he was saying – Hashem, what did You expect of them?  Having been deprived of riches for hundreds of years, they simply could not properly handle the great wealth you gave them with the Exodus.  This teaches us a very important lesson.  Whenever we are trying to improve someone else, while our rebuke may make them feel as if we are putting them down, we must raise them up.  At the same time that we reprove them for wrongdoing, we must excuse them for their negative behavior.  We must always display love for those we reproach and attempt in some way to defend their behavior or see another angle of their transgression, even when rebuke is in order (Based on Shalom Rav, v.II, p.348-349). When we balance rebuking and defending those we rebuke by carefully building up those we rebuke, then they will likely appreciate and feel gratitude for our constructive criticism!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Devarim  – 

Some Tips for Showing Gratitude while Giving and Receiving Rebuke

Parashat Devarim is read on the Shabbat preceding Tisha B’Av – the date on which both Holy Temples were destroyed. The Talmud states the reason for the destruction of the Temple was that people failed to rebuke one another (Shabbat 119b). Rambam explains that the driving force for criticizing others should be our love for them and our desire that they don’t hurt themselves (Rambam, Hilchot De’ot 6:7). Most of us only criticize the behavior of others when it bothers us, not when it’s harmful to them. We may ignore the actions of family and friends that are clearly detrimental to them, but we’ll rush into action if they do or say something that is disruptive to us. The Talmud reminds us that we didn’t care enough to prevent others from harming themselves. Such behavior epitomizes baseless hatred, which the Talmud lists as the reason why the Second Temple was destroyed (Yoma 9b); (Based on Katia Bolotin, 14 Tips For Giving and Recieving Constructive Critisicm.)

Tips for Giving Constructive Criticism

• “Reprove not a scorner lest he hates you; reprove a wise man and he will love you” (Mishlei 9:8) – Make yourself into King Solomon’s wise person who recognizes the value of criticism. Then share your wisdom with others, by offering criticism in a loving, positive, and sensitive way. 

• Start by Complimenting or Acknowledging – something positive that the person has done so that s/he’ll be more receptive to your suggestion for change
• Don’t Overdo it – Don’t repeat your rebuke needlessly. That is like Rubbing Salt in the Wound. Like Moshe, give subtle rebuke and speak briefly to the point. 
• Don’t Focus on the Wrongdoing – Rather than focusing on what another is doing wrong, tell the person what he or she should do differently, and give concrete examples.
• Be Mindful of Your Emotions and Timing – Only speak if you are motivated by genuine concern and care. Moshe waited until the end of his life. Bide your time and speak when you and the recipient are both ready.
• Look for the Good Points of the Other Person – Focus on building up the other person and respecting his or her dignity.  
• End with an Encouraging Statement – sandwiching your criticism between praises. 

Tips for Receiving Criticism 

• Even if it May Hurt, Always Look for What You Can Learn from the Message – Take time to process and consider how the criticism can be used for your personal growth.
• Avoid a Defensive Reaction – especially if the admonishment is coming from someone who cares about you.
• Express Appreciation, Such As – “Thanks for pointing this out to me. I value your feedback. I’ll work on it.” This is the best response to criticism. Such a response creates an atmosphere of cooperation and prevents confrontation.

Parashat Pinchas: What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

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Parashat Pinchas

What Do the Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach us about the Laws of Inheritance?

How Do We Make a Will of Inheritance Fair to All Our Children?
Lately, during these insecure times, I’ve talked with my husband about making a will. We hope and plan to live until 120! But you never know. Making a clear and fair will of inheritance is important to prevent disputes and ill feelings among our children. Since we only have two sons, it seems like sharing in half whatever we leave behind (until 120!) should be an easy task. I wish! Without getting into the intricate laws of the firstborn son, things are still complicated for us, since our main asset is our home in the prime land of Bat Ayin, Gush Etzion. As our greatest prayer and will is that our descendants will live in our house and pick the fruits of the trees we have planted on the land, our halachic and legal will must favor the one who will live on our land. We would love to see our grandchildren and great-grands swing in the swings we built and add new ones too. How to find a way to apportion such preference in our will is complication #1. Complication #2. is that it’s not simple to divide our homestead into two portions in a way that will be fair to both of our sons. Currently, on our plot, our house is much more valuable than both of our two small downstairs apartments located partially on the basement level. When we first obtained our plot, nothing was growing on it except dry thorn bushes. We worked hard to remove the weeds, plant trees, and add compost and good soil, to transform our plot into a magical bird resort. Although we struggle to upkeep our land, we would hate to see it revert back into brambles and thorns. Our greatest desire and yearning are for our descendants to treasure the land, here in Eretz Yisrael, and show appreciation and care for it. Our plot has a natural land division with a small garden in front of our home and a more than double as large garden behind it. It would make more sense to grant the larger piece of land as an inheritance to the descendent most suitable to take care of it. Complication #3 is all the variables and uncertainties in our lives and that of our children. Since no one can predict the length of their lives, our grandchildren may be the ones to take over our homestead when the time comes. As our younger son is newly married, we don’t even know who that will be.

The Daughters of Tzelafchad Teach the Laws of Inheritance
The source of the mitzvah to leave our earthly possessions as an inheritance to our children is found in Parashat Pinchas. I find it interesting that although according to the Torah, the son takes precedence over the daughter regarding inheritance, we specifically learn about the mitzvah of leaving our possessions to our children from the daughters of Tzelafchad:

במדבר פרק כז פסוק א, ד-ז

וַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה …לָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ: וַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם: וַיֹּאמֶר הָשֵׁם אֶל משֶׁה לֵּאמֹר: כֵּן בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד דֹּבְרֹת נָתֹן תִּתֵּן לָהֶם אֲחֻזַּת נַחֲלָה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אֲבִיהֶם וְהַעֲבַרְתָּ אֶת נַחֲלַת אֲבִיהֶן לָהֶן:

“The daughters of Tzelafchad, the son of Chefer, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Menashe, of the families of Menashe, the son of Yosef came forward. His daughters’ names were Machlah, Noah, Hogla, Milkah, and Tirtzah. Why should our father’s name be eliminated from his family, because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father’s brothers.’ So, Moshe brought their case before Hashem. Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying, ‘The daughters of Tzelafchad speak properly. You shall certainly give them a portion of inheritance along wither their father’s brothers, and you shall transfer their father’s inheritance to them’” (Bamidbar 27:1-7).

The Yearning for the Land Awakening Among Women
In our time and age, there is an intensified awareness, especially among women of the inherent holiness of our Land. Despite our current difficulties, many among our people are willing to risk their lives to defend Eretz Yisrael. Our attachment to the Land of Israel is constantly being strengthened as we with mesirut nefesh (self-sacrifice) expand our yishuvim and build new communities. From where do we get this strength to stand up for the Land despite the dangers it entails? From which source do we draw our inherent attachment to this land?  “The deeds of the fathers are signs for their children” (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 70:6; Ramban, Bereishit 12:10). I believe that this saying can also be understood in the feminine: “the deeds of the mothers are signs for their daughters!” We are only an extension of the souls who preceded us. The spiritual rectifications enacted by our ancestors have paved the way for our continued efforts in those same areas and have become part of our spiritual genetics. Among the role models who have affected our inherent attachment to the Land of Israel are the daughters of Tzelafchad. In a time when the general sentiment was remiss regarding the love of the Land of Israel, the five sisters stood up in their dedicated quest for a portion of the Land. They yearned to be part of revealing the Shechinah through redeeming Eretz Yisrael. Let us draw increased strength in our holy endeavor to reclaim our Holy Land. 

Contrasting the Men’s Depreciation and the Women’s Appreciation for the Land
The Midrash and commentaries contrast the desire of the women for the land of Israel with the men’s lack of emunah: “The daughters of Tzelafcḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach. “The daughters of Tzelofḥad…approached” – that generation, the women would repair what the men would breach, as you find that Aharon said to them: “Remove the gold rings that are in the ears of your wives” (Shemot 32:2). But the women were not willing, and they reprimanded their husbands, as it is stated: “All the people removed the gold rings [which were in their ears]…” (Shemot 32:3), but the women did not participate with them in the act of the calf. Likewise with the spies who disseminated slander: “They returned and caused the entire congregation to complain against him, [to disseminate slander about the land]” (Bamidbar 14:36). The decree was determined against them because they said, “We cannot ascend.” (Bamidbar 13:31). However, the women did not participate in their complaint, as stated above, “…They shall surely die in the desert and no man was left of them except Kalev the son of Yefune and Yehoshua the son of Nun.” (Bamidbar 26:65). It states, “man” and not ‘woman,’ because the men didn’t want to enter the land, but the approached to seek an inheritance in the land. Therefore, this section is juxtaposed to the death of the generation of the wilderness, where the men breached and the women repaired (Midrash Bamidbar Rabbah 21:10). The Kli Yakar goes as far as to say that Hashem would have preferred to send women to spy the land since they love it and ask for possession of the land (Bamidbar 27:4), whereas the men despised the land and asked to return to Egypt (Ibid.14:4). Therefore, Hashem told Moshe לְךָ /shelach lecha – “Send men for you” – according to your own opinion. However, in My opinion, it would have been better to send women (Kli Yakar, Bamidbar 13:12). Perhaps because of the women’s love of and appreciation for the Land of Israel, we learn all laws of inheritance from women. Following the daughters of Tzelafchad’s request for an inheritance in the land Hashem reveals to Moshe all the additional halachot of inheritance:

ספר במדבר פרק כז פסוק ח וְאֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל תְּדַבֵּר לֵאמֹר אִישׁ כִּי יָמוּת וּבֵן אֵין לוֹ וְהַעֲבַרְתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְבִתּוֹ: (ט) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ בַּת וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לְאֶחָיו: (י) וְאִם אֵין לוֹ אַחִים וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לַאֲחֵי אָבִיו: (יא) וְאִם אֵין אַחִים לְאָבִיו וּנְתַתֶּם אֶת נַחֲלָתוֹ לִשְׁאֵרוֹ הַקָּרֹב אֵלָיו מִמִּשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ וְיָרַשׁ אֹתָהּ וְהָיְתָה לִבְנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לְחֻקַּת מִשְׁפָּט כַּאֲשֶׁר צִוָּה הָשֵׁם אֶת משֶׁה:

“Speak to the children of Israel saying: If a man dies and has no son, you shall transfer his inheritance to his daughter. If he has no daughter, you shall give over his inheritance to his brothers. If he has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to his father's brothers. If his father has no brothers, you shall give over his inheritance to the kinsman closest to him in his family, who shall inherit it. This shall remain for the children of Yisrael as a permanent statute like Hashem commanded Moshe!”  
(Bamidbar 27:8-11).

The Divine Laws of Inheritance Imbue us With Gratitude to Hashem and our Relatives
I found the explanation of the famous medieval Sefer Hachinuch (a widely respected codification of all the 613 mitzvot organized by the Torah portion in which each mitzvah is found) of the mitzvah of inheritance particularly moving because it explains how the laws of inheritance show gratitude to Hashem who grants us our possessions, as well as an appreciation for our relatives who assisted us in gaining the skills that helped us earn our prosperity. It helped me tap into my overwhelming gratitude for everything Hashem has granted us, especially for our portion in the holy land! The Sefer HaChinuch writes extensively on the laws regarding inheritance in the 400th mitzvah of the Torah: “Among the root of the mitzvah a person should reflect that the world is in the hand of the Master that oversees all of His creatures, and it is in His desire and His goodly will, that each and every person acquires the portion of possessions that he attains in this world. And His gift is blessed, that it stays forever with the one He gave it to, were it not that it was decreed that every person would die due to our sins. Yet the removal of a person’s body is not a reason to end the blessed gift of G-d. Rather, this present should extend [to] the body that emanates from him, i.e. his son or his daughter. But if he passes away with no children, it is proper for the blessing of G-d to return to his closest relative; as this blessing that he acquired was due to his forefathers’ merit. Or perhaps together with his close relatives, he learned the skills with which he acquired this wealth taught him some skill with which he acquired his possessions. It is therefore fitting when a person leaves the world that his relatives who helped him through his life should receive his possessions.”

Making A Will Aligned with the Will of the Divine
Whereas a person has the full right to decide the allocation of his possessions while alive in this world, after his passing, the possessions return to Hashem who grants them to his closest relatives according to the laws of the Torah. If a father makes a will in which his son will not inherit him, it has no legal validity, as he has no powers to uproot Hashem’s decree that an inheritor receives the inheritance. Even though a person’s belongings are given over to him for all his wishes, and he can give them as a present to whoever he wants, and he may even destroy them, nevertheless he may not change the laws of inheritance after his death, as this thing is against the will of Hashem. These laws regarding inheritance stirred up in me the gratitude for the trust with which Hashem allowed us to be guardians of His most cherished asset – the Land that is considered Hashem’s beloved daughter.  I’m facing the prospect of making our halachic and legal will with even more reverence and awe! I hope and pray that we will be able to align our will with the Will of the Divine!

Gratitude Focus for the Week of Parashat Pinchas –

Some Tips for Making a Halachich Will

Many people believe a will or testament is only for people with large estates. Or they put off writing their will until some undetermined future day when they believe it will become appropriate to think about such matters. Without a will, families may be split apart as the heirs argue incessantly over the inheritance. Even within the halachic community, governed by the Torah’s clear laws of inheritance (Bamidbar 27:7-11), families are sometimes torn asunder by disputes, large and small financially, yet heated and protracted emotionally. In the interests of peace within a family, we must arrange to divide our assets fairly among the children. However, according to most authorities, a typical last will and testament is halachically ineffective. One cannot bequeath property posthumously (Pitchei Choshen 9:134). Yet, a will that calls for the Torah’s exclusion of daughters could lead to hatred and a split in the family (Gesher Hachaim p.42). Today, bequeathing equal shares to all children is the most likely way to avoid these terrible results, and there are halachich ways to write a will to that purpose. At first glance, writing a will may feel less like a spiritual experience and more like a thankless chore governed by necessity. Second thought, though, reveals otherwise. Writing a will that adheres to Jewish law is a powerful reminder that where you are, what you have, and what you accomplish can (literally) give you and posterity the future. Spelling out your wishes is also the greatest gift you can give to your loved ones: it allows them the comfort of knowing that they are fulfilling your requests even after separation. 

• Make a Commitment to Writing your Will – and ask your rabbi how to ensure it is in accordance with halacha, given your specific circumstances.
  
  
•  According to Jewish Tradition, Legacy Planning is not Associated with Death – but rather with an extended lease on life: Our sages teach us that making arrangements for one’s inevitable demise unlocks the blessing of longevity. Why? Perhaps because thinking about – and preparing for – the moment of departure from this world helps us re-orient and refocus ourselves. 
  
  
•  From the Torah Perspective Life is not an Aimless Path – rather, it is a journey and mission imbued with direction, meaning, and purpose. Contemplating the moment when life ceases in this world reminds us that living is all about giving; giving, in turn, helps us connect with the boundless benevolence of G-d – the life force of existence.
  
  
•  Learn About the Halachic Ways of Distributing an Estate Equally to all Your children – it is no modern invention. The Rama (Rabbi Moshe Isserless) of the mid-16th century, wrote about the custom of giving daughters a portion of an estate through a halachically sanctioned document called a shtar chatzi zachar. (The Rama Even HaEzer 113:2 and Choshen Mishpat 281:7). 
  
  
•  Review Your Will Regularly – especially after significant life events (e.g., marriage, divorce, births, deaths, or changes in financial circumstances), and make any necessary updates to ensure it remains valid and reflects your current wishes.