How do We Cleanse our Guilty Conscience Towards Others and Hashem?

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Parashat Matot/Masei
How do We Cleanse our Guilty Conscience Towards Others and Hashem? 

What is the Difference Between Guilt and Remorse?

“I didn’t do it!” is my instinctive reaction as soon as I hear my husband asking with a tad of irritation, “Who took my screwdriver? Since there are basically only two of us living in our home such questions and similar ones – that I often hear – sound to me like accusations. “Why do you have such guilty consciousness?” asks my husband, as often the various questions of “Do you know where my x is?”  or “How did my x break?” etc. are not necessarily meant as accusations, but I immediately feel that perhaps I did something… In general, whenever something happens, I often feel that it is my fault. So, I’m actually guilty of having a guilty consciousness! There is an up and a downside to blaming ourselves whenever something goes wrong. It is important to take responsibility for our actions, admit, apologize, and rectify. Feeling guilty can thus be the first step of teshuva – also called regret or remorse. Yet there is a difference between guilt and remorse. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, guilt is a feeling of having done something wrong. Yet, remorse is a deep regret for a wrong committed. Whereas a guilty person wallows in the guilt for his past, remorse is the beginning of change to become better in the future. Feeling guilty is not a mitzvah because it is focusing more on ourselves than on the person we have wronged. We feel bad because of our damaged self-image. Remorse, on the other hand, focuses on the other person and how to rectify having mistreated him. It’s about genuinely caring for others and taking steps towards correcting our mistakes. Whereas feeling guilty is becoming helpless victims unable to extradite ourselves from the traps of our shame, repentance is the moral clarity that propels us forward, breaking through the chains of being held back by our negative past. According to the Torah, we are all essentially good (Rav Kook, Orot Yisra’el 1:4), but we aren’t always connected to the goodness in ourselves. Teshuva – ‘return’ is the process of returning to our higher selves.

Becoming Acceptable both in the Eyes of People and in Hashem’s Eyes

When the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menashe requested to remain on the other side of the Jordan River because the land of Gilead was suitable for their great livestock, Moshe was displeased. This would discourage the rest of the children of Israel from crossing the Jordan River and conquering the Promised Land. Moreover, how would it be fair for these tribes to remain in relative safety outside of the war zone when their brothers had to endanger their lives by going to war? (Bamidbar 32:2-7). The two-and-a-half tribes then offered to join the rest of the Israelites in the war of conquest promising their full support “until each of the children of Israel had taken possession of his inheritance” (Bamidbar 32:18). Moshe then became pleased with the tribes of Reuven, Gad and half of Menashe, as they were now rectifying the guilt of their selfishness by taking responsibility to participate fully in conquering all of the Promised Land.

ספר במדבר פרק לב פסוק כ וַיֹּאמֶר אֲלֵיהֶם משֶׁה אִם תַּעֲשׂוּן אֶת הַדָּבָר הַזֶּה אִם תֵּחָלְצוּ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם לַמִּלְחָמָה: (כא) וְעָבַר לָכֶם כָּל חָלוּץ אֶת הַיַּרְדֵּן לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם עַד הוֹרִישׁוֹ אֶת אֹיְבָיו מִפָּנָיו :(כב) וְנִכְבְּשָׁה הָאָרֶץ לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם וְאַחַר תָּשֻׁבוּ וִהְיִיתֶם נְקִיִּם מֵהָשֵׁם וּמִיִּשְׂרָאֵל וְהָיְתָה הָאָרֶץ הַזֹּאת לָכֶם לַאֲחֻזָּה לִפְנֵי הָשֵׁם:

“Moshe said to them, ‘If you do this thing, if you arm yourselves for battle before Hashem, and your armed force crosses the Jordan before Hashem until He has driven out His enemies before Him, and the Land will be conquered before Hashem, afterwards you may return, and you shall be clean before Hashem and from Israel, and this land will become your heritage before Hashem” (Bamidbar 32:20-22).

The word הַזֶּה/haze – “this” in “If you do this thing” has the numerical value of the word טוב/tov – ‘good’ (17). This teaches us that we need to both be good towards Hashem and towards people. “There is no good except Torah (Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 5a). Therefore, scripture said “If you do this thing” – which is the holy Torah, to be good towards both Hashem and towards people, this is a perpetual mitzvah, as it states, “You shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your children forever” (Shemot 12:24). (Ohev Yisrael, Parashat Bo). We must always keep both love of the Creator and love of our fellow Jews in our hearts together (Tiferet Shlomo, Parashat Pinchas). We must also avoid acting in ways that attract unnecessary suspicion and appear justified before people just as we must appear justified before HaMakom (the Omnipresent) as it states: “You shall be guiltless before Hashem and before Israel.” A person collecting funds from the chamber must not enter while wearing a cuffed garment, not with a shoe, a sandal, tefillin, or an amulet, since all of these have places into which money can be inserted. The concern is that perhaps the one collecting the funds will one day become poor, and people will say that it is because of the sin of stealing the shekels of the chamber as they will suspect that he stole money and hid it in those places. Or perhaps he will become rich and people will say that he became rich from stealing the funds of the chamber, even though he did not actually do so (Jerusalem Talmud Shekalim 3:2).

Evolving from Self-centered Guilt Towards Selfless Remorse of Teshuva

Moshe’s response to the tribes of the other side of the Jordan indicates, how they could rectify their materialistic desire by not only arming themselves for battle before the Israelites as they offered (Bamidbar 32:17), but by doing so “before Hashem” as well. Only by correcting themselves both before others and before G-d can we become guiltless. This is because the mitzvot from the Torah need intention – to be for the sake of Hashem (Rav Tzvi Elimelech of Dubno, Agra d’Kallah, p. 294a). Most people just care about what others will say, but how would it benefit us if we were respected by a thousand people but despised before Hashem? Conversely, why would it matter how many people honor us as long as we find favor with Hashem? Yet it is vital to act correctly towards people for the sake of Hashem and be accepted by both as it states, “Find favor and good understanding in the sight of G-d and man” (Mishlei 3:4); (Rabi Eliezer Papo, Hanhagot Tzaddikim, Hanhagot Yesharot 25).

At first, the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menasha, acted from a place of guilt rather than true remorse of teshuva. They were mainly concerned with their self-image and how they would appear in the eyes of the rest of the Israelites. Yet through Moshe’s gentle reprimand, they learned to rectify themselves both before others and before Hashem. By following this example, we too can move from the unhealthy self-centered guilt that is preoccupied with our self-image and with what others think of us. We can transform guilt into sincere remorse of repentance by evolving towards selfless dedication to something greater than ourselves – dedication to Hashem.

EmunaHealing Exercise for Transforming Guilt Feelings to Repentance
1. Make yourself relaxed on your cushion or chair and lean back if that feels comfortable.  You may want to close your eyes to be able to better focus inwardly. Take several deep breaths and relax even more.
2. As random thoughts enter your mind notice if you are harboring any guilt feelings. Perhaps you were rude to your primary school teacher or shoplifted when you were a teenager? Have you purposely hurt others, teased a younger sibling, or taken revenge? Even now as an adult, you may still feel guilty about the past or perhaps about something you did and said more recently, even yesterday. Allow yourself to get in touch with any possible guilt feelings whether revealed or concealed and repressed.
3. Do a body scan and notice where in the body your guilt feelings have attached themselves.
Perhaps in your throat or in your chest or guts? Tune in to your aching pain of guilt. What color, texture, and intensity does it have? Just allow yourself to notice without trying to change anything yet. We need to unearth the stains before being able to cleanse them.
4. Within the feelings of guilt or behind them, you may notice the feeling of despair and helplessness. Do you have a ‘storytelling yourself “I’m no good”? Where does it come from? Have you been overly criticized and put down during your childhood? Perhaps some of your current relationships still victimize you? Let yourself feel your feelings of inferiority, lowliness, and inadequacy. Inhale deeply and let out a loud sigh while exhaling. Repeat this way of breathing and sighing four additional times.
5. Does your guilt mainly center around your low self-image? Are you more concerned about how others see you and how you see yourself, than actually rectifying the wrongdoing? Even if you feel helpless, how would you be able to rectify it anyway? Breathe into your lowliness, inferiority, and helplessness.
6. Do you have to be stuck in the muck forever? Is there no way to lift yourself up from feeling so inadequate? Are you ready to begin the work of transforming your guilt?
Play with the idea of rewriting or editing the ‘story’ you have been telling yourself from “I’m no good” to “I’m created by Hashem who loves me!” or “I’m doing the best I can with the tools I have,” or any other positive affirmation that you can think of right now.
7. Meditate on the following teachings by Rav Kook: “The powerful desire to be good to everyone, without limitation of the quantity of those benefiting nor of the quality of the benefits - this is the inner kernel of the essence of the soul of the Community of Israel.  This is its inheritance and the legacy from its ancestors, and this is the secret of the nation’s longing for redemption which gives it strength to live and exist…” How does your desire to be good to both people and Hashem express itself?
8. Tune into your inner goodness concealed inside or behind the feeling of helplessness within your guilt. Breathe in your own goodness and with your out-breath project them unto the places in your body where your guilt resides. Imagine rays of light emanating from the deepest place within, erasing each of your unrectified guilt feelings, little by little.
9. Allow yourself to accept that you aren’t helpless, through your inert desire to be good you can heal the shadows of your life. Envision the changes you want to enact to rectify your wrongdoing, whether of the past or of your current struggles. Visualize acting and being the person, you aspire to be. Hashem is empowering you with the power of change. You can return to yourself – to who you really are!

Prayer for Teshuva and Trusting in Hashem

 

Parashat Devarim

Prayer for Teshuva and Trusting in Hashem
 
Hashem, please forgive me for my lack of trust in You!
Please help me to start over and begin my life anew!
 
Your commandments I desire to adhere.
Help me let go of all the worry and fear!
 
In Your almighty power I want to believe!
Only to Your Divine will I desire to cleave!
`
When Your Divine Supervision I perceive,
Your Presence in my heart will never leave!  
 
I no longer intend to be broken or afraid!
For excessive fear the price I have already paid.
 
I no longer want to feel helpless and dismayed!
Let me return to the path from which I’ve strayed!
 
When I experience how You carry me on Your back,
why should I be afraid of any enemy attack?
 
Guide me to shake off the old musky dust,
so even my guts will in You completely trust!
 
Listening to Your command is an absolute must.
for transforming the world to become perfectly just!
 
Hashem, help me to my new conditions adjust,
letting go of old memories laced by rust!
 
Guide me to leave the past on a forgotten shelf!
Let me follow Your lead and overcome myself!
 
Hashem, may I no longer rebel, and sin,
So, I can overcome my enemies within!
 
Help me let go and let G-d fight all my wars,
letting You navigate while I only work the oars!
 
Let me trust that You lead me to secure shores,
showing me fresh vistas and opening new doors!

Based on Devarim Chapter 1 verse 28-33, 41-45

ספר דברים פרק א פסוק כח אָנָה אֲנַחְנוּ עֹלִים אַחֵינוּ הֵמַסּוּ אֶת לְבָבֵנוּ לֵאמֹר עַם גָּדוֹל וָרָם מִמֶּנּוּ עָרִים גְּדֹלֹת וּבְצוּרֹת בַּשָּׁמָיִם וְגַם בְּנֵי עֲנָקִים רָאִינוּ שָׁם: )כט) וָאֹמַר אֲלֵכֶם לֹא תַעַרְצוּן וְלֹא תִירְאוּן מֵהֶם:

(ל) הָשַׁם אֱלֹהֵיכֶם הַהֹלֵךְ לִפְנֵיכֶם הוּא יִלָּחֵם לָכֶם כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה אִתְּכֶם בְּמִצְרַיִם לְעֵינֵיכֶם:

(לא) וּבַמִּדְבָּר אֲשֶׁר רָאִיתָ אֲשֶׁר נְשָׂאֲךָ הָשַׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ כַּאֲשֶׁר יִשָּׂא אִישׁ אֶת בְּנוֹ בְּכָל הַדֶּרֶךְ אֲשֶׁר הֲלַכְתֶּם עַד בֹּאֲכֶם עַד הַמָּקוֹם הַזֶּה :(לב) וּבַדָּבָר הַזֶּה אֵינְכֶם מַאֲמִינִם בַּיהֹוָה אֱלֹהֵיכֶם:

(לג) הַהֹלֵךְ לִפְנֵיכֶם בַּדֶּרֶךְ לָתוּר לָכֶם מָקוֹם לַחֲנֹתְכֶם בָּאֵשׁ לַיְלָה לַרְאֹתְכֶם בַּדֶּרֶךְ אֲשֶׁר תֵּלְכוּ בָהּ וּבֶעָנָן יוֹמָם:

“Where shall we go up? Our brothers have discouraged us, saying, ‘A people greater and taller than we; cities great and fortified up to the heavens, and we have even seen the sons of Anakim there.’ And I said to you, ‘Do not be broken or afraid of them. Hashem, your G-d, Who goes before you He will fight for you, just as He did for you in Egypt before your very eyes, and in the desert, where you have seen how Hashem, your G-d, has carried you as a man carries his son, all the way that you have gone, until you have come to this place. But regarding this matter, you do not believe Hashem, your G-d, Who goes before you on the way, to search out a place for you, in which to encamp, in fire at night, to enable you to see on the way you should go, and in a cloud by day…’” (Devarim 1:38-33). 

ספר דברים פרק א פסוק מא וַתַּעֲנוּ וַתֹּאמְרוּ אֵלַי חָטָאנוּ לַיהֹוָה אֲנַחְנוּ נַעֲלֶה וְנִלְחַמְנוּ כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר צִוָּנוּ הָשַׁם אֱלֹהֵינוּ וַתַּחְגְּרוּ אִישׁ אֶת כְּלֵי מִלְחַמְתּוֹ וַתָּהִינוּ לַעֲלֹת הָהָרָה: (מב) וַיֹּאמֶר הָשַׁם אֵלַי אֱמֹר לָהֶם לֹא תַעֲלוּ וְלֹא תִלָּחֲמוּ כִּי אֵינֶנִּי בְּקִרְבְּכֶם וְלֹא תִּנָּגְפוּ לִפְנֵי אֹיְבֵיכֶם: (מג) וָאֲדַבֵּר אֲלֵיכֶם וְלֹא שְׁמַעְתֶּם וַתַּמְרוּ אֶת פִּי הָשַׁם וַתָּזִדוּ וַתַּעֲלוּ הָהָרָה:

(מד) וַיֵּצֵא הָאֱמֹרִי הַיּשֵׁב בָּהָר הַהוּא לִקְרַאתְכֶם וַיִּרְדְּפוּ אֶתְכֶם כַּאֲשֶׁר תַּעֲשֶׂינָה הַדְּבֹרִים וַיַּכְּתוּ אֶתְכֶם בְּשֵׂעִיר עַד חָרְמָה:

(מה) וַתָּשֻׁבוּ וַתִּבְכּוּ לִפְנֵי הָשַׁם וְלֹא שָׁמַע הָשַׁם בְּקֹלְכֶם וְלֹא הֶאֱזִין אֲלֵיכֶם:

“Then you answered and said to me, ‘We have sinned against Hashem; we will go up and fight, according to all that Hashem, our G-d, has commanded us.’ So every one of you girded his weapons, and you prepared yourselves to go up to the mountain. Then Hashem said to me, ‘Say to them, neither go up nor fight, for I am not among you, lest you be struck down before your enemies.’ So, I spoke to you, but you did not listen, and you rebelled against the command of Hashem, and you acted wickedly and went up to the mountain. And the Amorites, dwelling in that mountain, came out towards you and pursued you as bees do, and beat you down in Seir, as far as Chormah. So, you returned and wept before Hashem, but Hashem would not hear your voice, nor would He listen to you (Devarim 1:41-45).

Why Does Torah Bring Healing to the World?

Parashat Nitzavim
 
Returning to My Spiritual Roots and my Inner Self

As a teenager, I was searching for meaning. I felt that the society in which I grew up, and its values were meaningless. As I entered seventh grade, I began to question all the values of the environment in which I had been raised. The Judaism, to which I had been exposed, seemed like an empty, hypocritical religion. People, who called themselves religious, would drive to the synagogue on Shabbat and park the car a few minutes walk away, to pretend they had walked the entire distance. Of course, no one believed they had actually walked the 25 kilometers from their green suburb to the synagogue located in the heart of Copenhagen. Only the elderly came to the synagogue to pray, while the vast majority came to socialize and to show off their newest outfit. I was searching for deeper values. Simultaneously, I was also searching for myself. I had no idea who I really was, or what my mission was, for which I was sent into the world. Moreover, I was ignorant of what it truly meant to be a Jew. I felt empty inside, and I was yearning for a truth that would fill this vacuum within me. Many of my friends had searched in the Far East, and I too was attracted to the mystic, meditative innerness of the Eastern traditions. Yet, something was missing. It just didn’t resonate right. Only in the holy land, did I find Hashem and my soul. At the Western Wall, I just stood mesmerized – in awe of the sense of sanctity that pervaded the place – without a word of prayer crystallizing on my lips. The intense light reflected by the ancient stones penetrated into the empty space in my very heart and soul. I enjoyed the feeling of being among Jews. Everyone around me seemed like family. In the Torah world, I learned a new perspective on freedom. Real freedom is being true to our inner selves. Here in the heart of the land of my soul, I was finally uncovering my spiritual roots. My first Shabbat overlooking the temple mount was life-changing. I was led to a room where two silver candlesticks awaited me. An older student taught me to say the blessing, and I lit the candles. As I gazed at the lights of the Shabbat candles, the world was transformed. The room was aglow with holiness and serenity as if we had entered a higher realm of existence. It struck me that here was the expanded consciousness, that I had been searching for all along. I had never expected to find it within my own tradition. Here, I was no longer a stranger exploring other people and places. I saw truth very clearly for the first time, and it was a truth to which I belonged. I would keep learning and exploring together with others like myself. I had finally come home (Exert from My Ba’al Teshuva Story, for a free full copy please email director@berotbatayin.org).

The Healing Process of Teshuva Unites Our Broken Heart with Divine Delight
Just as in my case, countless other Jews – of my generation and of those succeeding it – have embarked on the path of return to Judaism. Teshuva begins by seeking the truth, searching for who I am, and why I am here. There are many people on the road, seeking answers to their questions. Together with teshuva, many people search for natural healing alternatives. Both of these phenomena go hand-in-hand. The sages teach that there is a strong connection between teshuvah and healing:

תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף פו/א

...אמר רבי חמא (בר) [ברבי] חנינא גדולה תשובה שמביאה רפאות לעולם שנאמר ארפא משובתם אהבם נדבה

Great is teshuva for it brings healing to the world, and an individual who repents is forgiven and the whole world is forgiven with him (Yoma 86a).
 
“G-d is the healer of all flesh Who connects our souls to our bodies. If we want to be healthy, we need to be in touch with Hashem, Who says, “I am Hashem, your Healer” (Shemot 15:26; Rav Yitzchak Ginsburg, Gal Einai). While trying to understand the deeper connection between teshuva and healing, the following words of Rav Kook resonate and reflect well my personal teshuva process: “Our soul climbs upward until we are freed from enslavement to the sin. We feel within ourselves the holy freedom, which is so pleasant to our weary soul. And we grow progressively healed…” (Rav Kook, Orot HaTeshuva 5). Before I came to Torah, I suffered from severe, painful, itching skin rashes, which fortunately were healed, as soon as I walked the Torah path. I can also relate to the continuation of Rav Kook’s poetic words describing the healing ensuring from repentance: “And the radiance of the light of the sun of loving-kindness, of supernal kindness, sends its rays to us. We grow increasingly joyous. We are increasingly filled with an inner delight and satiety…” (ibid.)  Those early teshuva years sure were happy times, as I soaked up the holiness of the Old City of Jerusalem, together with my like-minded community. I soon got married and had a baby, which only added to our joy, which spilled over and brought healing to myself and all of creation. Yet, to achieve true joyous teshuva-healing (related to wholeness), we must tune into the dichotomy that includes our brokenness: “[The delight of teshuva goes] together with a broken heart…which we feel within ourselves. For this feeling itself, imbues us with an added inner spiritual delight and true wholeness. We feel that we are coming closer to the Source of all life, to the G-d Who is Alive, from Whom, just a short time before, we were so far” (Rav Kook, ibid.).
 
Our Teshuva is Entwined with Hashem’s Return
Parashat Nitzavim – always read just prior to Rosh Hashana – includes a detailed description of the teshuva process, which is connected to redemption. Rather than ‘penitence’ or ‘repentance,’ a more accurate translation of the word ‘teshuva’ is ‘return.’ Teshuva is a threefold return from being disconnected from our souls, our G-d and our land. Complete teshuva is a true homecoming in both its inner and outer dimensions. The first step is returning to our land, as
Our parasha teaches:

ספר דברים פרק ל פסוק א וְהָיָה כִי יָבֹאוּ עָלֶיךָ כָּל הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה הַבְּרָכָה וְהַקְּלָלָה אֲשֶׁר נָתַתִּי לְפָנֶיךָ וַהֲשֵׁבֹתָ אֶל לְבָבֶךָ בְּכָל הַגּוֹיִם אֲשֶׁר הִדִּיחֲךָ הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ שָׁמָּה: (ב) וְשַׁבְתָּ עַד הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ וְשָׁמַעְתָּ בְקֹלוֹ כְּכֹל אֲשֶׁר אָנֹכִי מְצַוְּךָ הַיּוֹם אַתָּה וּבָנֶיךָ בְּכָל לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל נַפְשֶׁךָ: (ג) וְשָׁב הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ אֶת שְׁבוּתְךָ וְרִחֲמֶךָ וְשָׁב וְקִבֶּצְךָ מִכָּל הָעַמִּים אֲשֶׁר הֱפִיצְךָ הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ שָׁמָּה: (ד) אִם יִהְיֶה נִדַּחֲךָ בִּקְצֵה הַשָּׁמָיִם מִשָּׁם יְקַבֶּצְךָ הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ וּמִשָּׁם יִקָּחֶךָ: (ה) וֶהֱבִיאֲךָ הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ אֶל הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר יָרְשׁוּ אֲבֹתֶיךָ וִירִשְׁתָּהּ וְהֵיטִבְךָ וְהִרְבְּךָ מֵאֲבֹתֶיךָ:

It will be when all these things come upon you the blessing and the curse, which I have set before you, that you will contemplate in your heart, among all the nations where Hashem your G-d has banished you, and you will return to Hashem, your G-d, with all your heart and with all your soul, and you will listen to His voice according to all that I am commanding you this day you and your children. Then, Hashem, your G-d, will bring back your exiles, and He will have mercy upon you. He will once again gather you from all the nations, where Hashem, your G-d, had dispersed you. Even if your exiles are at the end of the heavens, Hashem, your G-d, will gather you from there, and He will take you from there. And Hashem, your G-d, will bring you to the land, which your forefathers possessed, and you [too] will take possession of it, and He will do good to you, and He will make you more numerous than your forefathers (Devarim 30-1-5).
 
Our section opens with the expression וְהָיָה/vehaya – “and it shall be” which is the expression of joy (Midrash Bereishit Rabbah 42:3). Contemplation about the happenings of our people during exile – both the blessings and the curses – leads to the realization that G-d is running the world.  When we return to Him, He, Himself returns to us. Rashi learns this concept from the subtle nuance of the Hebrew word for “return” in verse 3: ...וְשָׁב הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ אֶת שְׁבוּתְךָ – “Hashem will return your captivity...”  The Heb. וְשָׁב/veshav, in the simple conjugation rather than the causative וְהֵשִׁיב/veheshiv – ‘will cause to return’ literally means: “Hashem, your G-d, will [Himself] return [with] your exiles. Our Rabbis learned from [the simple conjugation of the verb] here [which alludes to G-d Himself returning], that the Shechinah resides among Israel, as it were, in all the misery of our exile. When the Jews are redeemed, G-d writes redemption for Himself for He Himself returns along with Israel’s exiles (Babylonian Talmud, Megillah 29a).
 
The Process of Return – from External to Internal Teshuva
Teshuva is a never-ending process rather than a one-time mitzvah we perform once a year and finish with. It starts with our returning עַד/ad – ‘until.’ This indicates that the teshuva is until a certain extent towards Hashem (verse 2). The culmination of the teshuva process is our returning אֶל/el – ‘unto.’ We get so close that we actually embrace, as it were. This climax of the teshuva process is described in verse 10:

ספר דברים פרק ל פסוק י כִּי תִשְׁמַע בְּקוֹל הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ לִשְׁמֹר מִצְוֹתָיו וְחֻקֹּתָיו הַכְּתוּבָה בְּסֵפֶר הַתּוֹרָה הַזֶּה כִּי תָשׁוּב אֶל הָשֵׁם אֱלֹהֶיךָ בְּכָל לְבָבְךָ וּבְכָל נַפְשֶׁךָ:

“…when you obey Hashem, your G-d, to observe His commandments and His statutes written in this Torah scroll, [and] when you return to Hashem, your G-d, with all your heart and with all your soul” (Devarim 30:10).
 
The first part of teshuva is to refrain from transgression and trying to keep the mitzvot. The final and highest form of teshuva is the return to Hashem himself. To return unto G-d implies that our will becomes unified with His will. Then all the mitzvot will become our second nature, and we’ll never desire to transgress His will. This kind of teshuva can only be done with G-d’s help. Hashem has promised to give us that help, if only we begin to return to Him, then He will circumcise our heart (verse 6). This implies that Hashem will remove the blocks that block us from truly connecting with Him in the highest way. When our heart is circumcised, we become pure, and no longer struggle with the yetzer hara. Then, even the least preferred mitzvah will become a joyful occasion to connect with Hashem.
 
Ingathering the Scattered Chards of Our Soul and All Reality
The deepest secret of teshuva and its connection to healing is that the root of all diseases is being disconnected – disconnected from ourselves and from the divine root of our soul. The inner dimension of teshuva – returning to who we truly are – to our whole self – is intertwined with returning to Hashem – the root of our soul. As Rav Kook explains, teshuva emerges from the depths of being, from such great depths in which the individual stands not as a separate entity, but rather as a continuation of the vastness of universal existence. The desire for repentance is related to the Divine universal will, to its highest source. From the moment the mighty stream of teshuva affects the universal will, many forces within the whole of existence are stirred to disclose the good and to bestow good to all. This explains “Great is teshuva for it brings healing to the world…”  (The Lights of Penitence, Lights of Holiness, The Moral Principles, Essays, Letters, and Poems, p. 56 (translation of Orot Ha-Teshuva by Ben Zion Bokser). Thus the highest teshuva reclaims and returns all the scattered chards of our soul – a process that moves all reality to health and wholeness.