How Can we Learn from the Fear of the Spies to Release Our Fears and Worries?

Parashat Shelach Lecha
How Can we Learn from the Fear of the Spies to Release Our Fears and Worries?

The Inferiority Complex – a Residue from Generational Traumas of Enslavement

In my Spiritual Healing practice, I’ve come across so many women who suffer from fears, worries, and lack of self-confidence. I unfortunately often relate personally to these negative emotions. We Jews suffer from tribal traumas passed down from generations of exiles all the way back from our Egyptian enslavement experience. Hashem didn’t lead us directly from Egypt to Israel but took us the long about way, to give us time for purging ourselves of our slave mentality. Yet it seems that this process is never ending. Even our current fears and worries are residues from that ancient trauma, which inflicted us with a severe flashback in recent holocaust times. Due to the slave experience of having been controlled by others, we still suffer from control issues. The other day a friend panicked, because she felt overwhelmed by all her responsibilities, which she didn’t feel she could handle. She suffered from the same perfectionist syndrome as me, expecting to be able to do her job immaculately and have everything under control. Since that wasn’t possible, she felt inadequate and berated herself. Feeling low self-esteem also stems from the generational trauma of being the underdog, who has repeatedly been stepped on and taken advantage of by others. Women who feel a lack of self-confidence may enter unhealthy relationships with men to fill their deep dark lack. I asked one of my past students, “Why did you agree to go out with that guy after we just talked about how you need some time to build yourself up before being ready to date?” She explained that although she had agreed with me only one day prior not to date yet, she gave in to the temptation of the feeling of filling her deep deficiency that dating offered. Although the spies had undergone a 40-year slavery detachment period in the desert living directly under Hashem’s protective wing, and experiencing His miracles, they were still far from liberated from the slavery dregs of inferiority feelings.  

Why did the Spies Compare Themselves to Grasshoppers?
When the spies discovered the powerful people that Hashem charged the Israelites to conquer, they were overwhelmed with fears stemming from their inferiority complex:

ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לג וְשָׁם רָאִינוּ אֶת הַנְּפִילִים בְּנֵי עֲנָק מִן הַנְּפִלִים וַנְּהִי בְעֵינֵינוּ כַּחֲגָבִים וְכֵן הָיִינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶם:

“There we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes” (Bamidbar 13:33).

Mulling over the grasshopper image, I envision a tiny fragile creature that blends in totally with the grass itself and lends itself to easily be stepped on. It is one of the lowest creatures in the food chain and certainly not a conqueror. The purpose of grasshoppers’ well-known feature – the ability to jump – is imbued within them for the sake of escaping from a predator or launching themselves into flight. I find it interesting that after the spies compare themselves to grasshoppers, they add “And so we were in their eyes.” How would they know how others regarded them? This teaches us that there is a strong connection between the way we see ourselves and how others perceive us. We all know based on war history that the morale of the soldiers is more vital for the outcome of the war than their ammunition. Emek D’var explains, “The fact that that the heart of the spies fell into feeling low self-esteem is a sign that they wouldn’t be able to conquer the nations. The same thing happened later to King Shaul as it states, “Then Shaul saw the camp of the Philistines. And he feared, and his heart trembled greatly” (I Shemuel 28:5). The fact that dread entered Shaul’s heart was a sign that he wouldn’t be successful in war. Our self-image greatly influences how others view us. When a person is possessed by low self-esteem, he exudes the energy of failure toward others. This in return makes them feel superior and confident in their victory over him. Moreover, when a person is overcome by fear, his view of others becomes distorted, as we see from the spies who had no way to be so sure that they were considered grasshoppers in the eyes of their enemies. How could anyone but Hashem know what people feel in their hearts?

The Connection Between the Fear of the Spies and Our Own Fears and Worries
We all experience fear at a certain point in our lives. People are afraid to fail but also afraid to succeed. Often people fear what others might think. Fear can make us freeze and become unable to act and keep the mitzvot. By understanding the root of the fear of the spies and the Israelites who listened to their report, we may get an important clue regarding our own fears and worries. Every Tisha B’Av we are called upon to shed yet another layer of this foundational fear, which still prevents us from rebuilding our Temple in Jerusalem – in the heart of the Land of Israel. The spies expressed their inferiority feeling as follows:

ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לא וְהָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר עָלוּ עִמּוֹ אָמְרוּ לֹא נוּכַל לַעֲלוֹת אֶל הָעָם כִּי חָזָק הוּא מִמֶּנּוּ:

“But the men who went up with him said, ‘We are unable to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we’” (Bamidbar 13:31).

The Hebrew. מִמֶּנּוּ/mimenu – “than us” can also be read מִמֶּנּוֹ/mimeno ‘than Him.’ They [the spies] said this in reference to the most High, as it were, [as if to say that the people are stronger than He [G-d] (Rashi, Bamidbar 13:31 based on Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 35a).
How is it possible for anyone to believe that human beings can ever be stronger than G-d? From here we learn that the root of fear is the lack of bitachon – trusting in Hashem. Feeling strongly connected to Hashem and experiencing His Divine Supervision will prevent anyone from falling into a fearful state. The first step in overcoming our fears and worries is to meditate and envision Hashem’s powerful love and protection, to internalize that the only thing to fear is our own sin. Absolutely no one can hurt us when Hashem is on our side!

EmunaHealing Exercise to Flip the Anxiety Switch off and Release Your Fears

(Based on 4 Steps to Break Free from Fear and Jump-Start Emotional Healing by Jacqueline Pearce, MSEd, LMHC)

1. Make yourself comfortable in a safe, secure place where you can be alone with Hashem.
Breathe in, to a count of 7, hold your breath for a count of 4, and breathe out to a count of 8. Repeat this breathing pattern three times, as you feel your heart relax more and more.

2. Do a body scan with your breath, do you hold any fear in any part of your body? Observe where exactly the fearful energy has accumulated in your body. Sometimes you may feel tightness in your heart, an uneasy feeling in your stomach, a narrowing of your throat, or you may feel tension in any of your limbs. Keep breathing softly into any of the tense places of your being, to allow the tension to melt away.
3. Now it’s time to face your fears. If you don’t address your fears, they can accumulate with time. Fear is not just a feeling; it is an energy. No energy can be contained for too long. Let us get ready to release our fears, to prevent them from being expressed as struggle and pain.
4. Tune into your fears, you may have many minor fears and one or two major ones. Allow yourself to become aware of your fears and communicate with them so you can release them. What do you fear? Do you have feelings of inferiority? Do you feel lonely, abandoned, small and vulnerable, like a grasshopper afraid to be stepped on? Once you are successful in finding the root of your fearful energy, you can communicate with it. Focus on one of your fears. What is your fear trying to tell you?
5. A dialogue with your fears can reveal vital and useful information. It can help you to understand the origin of your fear and how to make yourself feel safe. Ask your fear “What do you want me to do to support your release?”
6. A duck flutters its wings intensely after a quarrel to release the energy of fear. Similarly, you can find ways that help you release negative energy. It can be crying, screaming, shouting, tapping or any vigorous physical movement.
7. Focus on the part of the body where you feel fear has accumulated and let yourself understand what kind of movement your body wants. When you have determined what way will help you release your fear(s), allow yourself to let go of it! You may want to use a combination of several ways of release, like screaming while swinging your arms vigorously from side to side. Let your fears teach you what movement to do and or sound to make to release them! Surrender to the movement/sound[s] and repeat them until a liberating feeling envelops you!
8. Now envision Hashem’s comforting presence lifting your fears away as you breathe deeply. Hashem is always there for you, even within your deepest fear. His Almighty power carries your fears and protects you from the object of your anxiety. With Hashem on your side, you are never alone, you are never weak or small, as Hashem is your stronghold. Breathe in deeply and let your breath out with a big Ahhhh. You may repeat this breathing and Ahhing two additional times. Can you feel how you are becoming liberated, truly liberated from the fears that were holding you back?
9. Promise yourself you will muster up the courage to continue to work on releasing fears that contribute to unwanted worry or anxiety. By building up your trust in Hashem you can flip the anxiety switch off and release your fears!

Is it Important to Heal our Lack of Self-confidence?

 

Parashat Shelach Lecha

Our Environment Influences our Struggle with Self-Esteem

As a spiritual healer, I often encounter women who suffer from a lack of self-esteem. Many of them were raised by extremely critical parents, especially by judgmental mothers. I do my best to build their self-esteem through guided visualization, coaching, and positive affirmation. Being the oldest of three sisters, I guess I was kind of born with a certain amount of healthy self-confidence. The photo albums are always bursting with pictures of the firstborn child – the one who transformed a couple into becoming parents, and I was no exception. As an infant, I was quite precocious and became much admired for talking and singing before I even turned one. In school, I did well academically, so my self-confidence in that area grew as I matured. Yet, I was less socially secure, and when it came to gym and sports, I was especially insecure. I just didn’t know how to throw that ball with the certain kind of flair for which many of my classmates were praised. In my teens, the constant challenge of the subject of boys and dating increased my lack of self-esteem in this area. I believe we all harbored thoughts like, “If he likes my girlfriend more… perhaps there is something wrong with me?” I’m glad that my own children, brought up in a Torah environment, were sheltered from such challenges. Not that the religious world is spared from experiences that take their toll on the self-esteem of many religious singles, who endure difficulties during the shidduch process. Lacking self-confidence is a catch 22, that impedes success, which in turn spirals down to a continuous lowering of success rate. Therefore, we need to do our best to extend our support, especially to older singles. The commercials that constantly bombard us with pictures of gorgeous, super thin, carefree, and wrinkle-free women, can also cause a nick in our self-confidence. I, too, have suffered from dealing with my body image, growing up as the only well-endowed girl among a mother and two thin sisters, without an extra gram around their midriff. Thankfully, I was engaged, before turning twenty, to a loving man. Our mutual love helps build each other’s self-confidence. Now, the question is what is the Torah view on self-confidence? Perhaps, too much self-esteem brings about arrogance? As Chassidim, aren’t we supposed to nullify ourselves to the tzaddik, the Rabbis, and to Hashem? 

Low Self-esteem Syndrome Projects a Negative Image of how Others Perceive Us
The evil report of the spies is infamous in Parashat Shelach Lecha, and so is the acceptance of this report by the congregation. Their excessive crying brought about the destruction of our first two Temples, and the exile of the Israelites from our Holy Land. From their negative example, we learn about the importance of avoiding lashon hara (evil speech) by all means. In order not to repeat the sin of the spies, we need to unpack and uproot the underlying reason for their lashon hara and why the congregation believed it, which is equally detrimental. Let us examine the Torah verses that lead up to this and depict the negative speech of the spies that caused so much damage to the entire world:

ספר במדבר פרק יג פסוק לא וְהָאֲנָשִׁים אֲשֶׁר עָלוּ עִמּוֹ אָמְרוּ לֹא נוּכַל לַעֲלוֹת אֶל הָעָם כִּי חָזָק הוּא מִמֶּנּוּ:                                לב) וַיֹּצִיאוּ דִּבַּת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר תָּרוּ אֹתָהּ אֶל בְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל לֵאמֹר הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר עָבַרְנוּ בָהּ לָתוּר אֹתָהּ אֶרֶץ אֹכֶלֶת יוֹשְׁבֶיהָ הִוא וְכָל הָעָם אֲשֶׁר רָאִינוּ בְתוֹכָהּ אַנְשֵׁי מִדּוֹת: לג) וְשָׁם רָאִינוּ אֶת הַנְּפִילִים בְּנֵי עֲנָק מִן הַנְּפִלִים וַנְּהִי בְעֵינֵינוּ כַּחֲגָבִים וְכֵן

:הָיִינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶם

“But the men who went up with him said, ‘We are unable to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we.’ They spread an [evil] report about the land which they had scouted, telling the children of Israel, ‘The land we passed through to explore is a land that consumes its inhabitants, and all the people we saw in it are men of stature. There, we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, descended from the giants. In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes.’ (Bamidbar 13:31-33).
 
The first thing I noticed in this section is that the spies not only viewed themselves as weak and lowly grasshoppers, that could easily be defeated, but they moreover believed that this is how their enemies viewed them. Here is a typical low self-esteem syndrome, to erroneously project a negative image of how we believe others perceive us. It could very well be that these Canaanite enemies were shaking in their boots, from fear of the Israelites and their G-d, known to have wrought the ten plagues and split the sea just a few months prior. We often fall into the trap of the spies by misjudging what others think of us. In our low self-esteem, we tend to forget what we learned in elementary school, about the difference between facts and opinions. The fact is, that we can’t ever really know how others perceive us. Even if they tell us, they may not be telling us the entire truth. Therefore, it’s always worthwhile to believe that people think well of us. Anything less fosters a distrusting relationship. The more we trust that others have a positive view of us, the more we bring about their respect. 
 
The Negative Impulse of Low Self-Esteem
In order to cause others to perceive us positively, we need to first regard ourselves that way. In our zeal to nullify ourselves and dispel arrogance, we may go to the other extreme. The Chafetz Chayim explains, that the mistake of the spies is also found within us, for we still have the same negative self-image. Seeing the abundant fruits of the land or the might of its people shows its virtue. However, someone with low self-esteem, becomes fearful, doubting whether he has enough merit to be deserving of this goodness. This is the scheme of the yetzer hara (negative impulse), which sometimes imbues a person with גַּאֲוָה/ga’ava – ‘arrogance’ to make him regard himself as much holier than he is. However, when the yetzer hara realizes that he is unable to influence us to become haughty, because we truly desire to strengthen our humility, for the sake of G-d’s honor, then it tries to depress us by filling our hearts with despair. The yetzer hara tries to get us by lowering our self-esteem, making us feel that a certain mitzvah is only for very righteous people, whereas we are unworthy of it. It makes us recall all our past sins, making us forget that we already repented for them. This is what caused the spies and the entire people to fall so low. The yetzer hara made them lose courage, by making them think that to conquer great giants like those they encountered in the holy land, they needed great merit. In their despair, they believed that the promise of the land depended on their righteousness. They thought, “Why would G-d destroy such great nations for lowly people and great sinners like us, who recently made the Golden Calf, and repeatedly complained during our journey in the wilderness?” Similarly, the vile scheme of the yetzer hara still makes us lose our self-confidence, to the extent that we no longer feel we have the capacity or desire to excel in Torah learning and mitzvah observance. This is exactly the goal of the yetzer hara. Let us not fall into its trap by indulging in low self-esteem that may prevent us from Torah learning and mitzvah observance, G-d forbid!
 
Climbing the Ladder of Perfection with ‘Holy Chutzpah’
The spies retreated saying: “We cannot go up!” implying that they did not desire to scale the heights of spiritual perfection and ascend the ladder to the Holy Land. It was their lack of self-confidence that made them prefer to choose a captain and go back to Egypt, in order to descend to an impure land. Most of us need to work on overcoming arrogance on the one hand, without falling into despair on the other. The term ‘holy chutzpah’ is the kind of self-confidence needed in order to achieve great spiritual accomplishment. Without this kind of boldness, we will never be able to climb the ladder of perfection. Neither will we be able to take on positions of great responsibility, while thinking that we are too lowly for such attainments. Rashi explains that when the spies claimed, “We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we,” they were implying that the enemy was stronger than Hashem, G-d forbid. We learn this from the Hebrew word מִמֶּנּוּ/mimenu – “than we” which can also be read מִמֶּנּוֹ/mimeno –  “than He.” The underlying motive for the self-doubt of the spies was their lack of trusting in Hashem. In contrast, we must have faith in our ability to perform mitzvot with G-d’s help. By recognizing that our vitality and power emanate from G-d, we will not be afraid to succeed in any mitzvah which comes our way. I thank Hashem for empowering me, a small unworthy woman, with enough self-confidence to start a midrasha for women and maintain it for nearly 25 years, as well as to publish several books. You, too, can spread your light to the world by working on accomplishing your spiritual mission. Don’t fall into the trap of the spies by thinking that you are not good enough, or that you will never succeed. By strengthening your self-confidence, you can begin to take the first step in the right direction. Then, surely, Hashem will complete your holy endeavor! 

Here are some simple guidelines for overcoming low self-esteem.